A
female
age
36-40,
*rage22
writes:so my best friend is involved with this married man. she is very naive and had just spent the last 3 years healing from a very bad emotional abusive relationship. she joined the military as an officer and at her first duty station, she was paired with a married man who was her subordinate. she is a very beautiful and intelligent girl. he was attracted to her from the start and because things with his wife were rocky, he started pursuing her, first very subtle under the disguise of the encouragement for them to get to know each other for a positive working experience. once she became comfortable, she started opening up to hm and him to her and the emotional affair began. before her feelings got involved she told him that he needed to get a divorce if they were to continue. he told her that he couldn't make a decision that soon and to give him time to figure it out and asked her to let things happen naturally. needless to say thats when her emotions got deeper. As time went on his needed time to figure things out kept extending until about 6 months in he started to do the puck and pull. he would tell her she deserves better and that he was letting her go and that they couldn't be together because if their careers to telling her he didn't mean it when she would distance herself from him. this happened for a while. now i can admit that she has on plenty of occasions told him that she wanted out and did her part in trying to move n but he won't let her go. he keeps coming back. to fast forward, he ended it and told her a week ago that he was done with the sexual part of their relationship because he feels guilty and he wants to stay wit his family. he then told her that he was not leaving his wife and if she decided not to talk to him then he would have to deal with it. she strongly told him that she respects his wishes but did not want to be friends with him. at first he accepted. the next couple of days she went to work and acted as though nothing happened, she was happy and not talking to him.then they had a couple of days off and i guess he couldn't handle it because when they got back to work he pulled her to the side explaining how it took everything within his power to not call her just so they can talk. he proceeded to explain to her all of the reasons as to why they wouldn't be together and that he cant not have her in his life and to please give him another chance to fix the situation. so against her better judgement she agreed to try being friends. He became even more attentive, giving her emotional support, joking, flirting etc. until she got back into her feelings and said that it hurts her too much to be his friend. she told me she was going to end the relationship again. she texts him early morning asking to talk and before she can send him the text, he tells her he is on his way over to her house. keep in mind that she did not invite him over. he gets over there and is over affectionate, he tells her that he loves his wife, kid and life and so she asks him "then why are you over here" and he says he doesn't know that there is just something about her and he doesn't know what it is. to my dismay then end up sleeping with each other again, and immediately after he blames her for sucking him back in. he tells her that he was doing good resisting her for abut 2 weeks and now she has him messed up all over again to where he feels guilty. she then asked him why he won't let her go and he cant answer the question....i say all of that to say that normally, most would say that this is a classic situation of a man that is using her and she is the side girl however, there are so many other components that don't match. i.e.. he never blows her off, no matter if he is with his wife, kids, he always answers the phone and texts her back right away. he's very attentive to her, follows all her social media posts, knows what she has been doing, with whom and when and even knows who comments under her pics, he notices changes in her appearance, unique things about her appearance, is there for her when she needs him emotionally ( will leave his house to call her to make sure she is ok when he could have just sent a text)thinks about her over the holidays when he is with his family and reaches out to her etc.why won't he let her go when he says he loves his wife and wants to stay. why does he much her away but always comes back. he never lets it stay broken. she has accepted his decision and is trying to move on and heal but he obviously still wants her? if so, why?
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (13 February 2018):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycares
i think the why is moreso for her sense of closure. Since we both know that she will never get it from him (even if he did muster up something, we could never know the truth based on his lying history) I think she needs some kind of resolve whether it be true or not to help herself work towards understanding, acceptance and to be able to let it go
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2018):
 I think yoir friend should keep it simple , and " surgical". She should not indulge in overanalyzing and doing the post-mortem of the relationship, and combing through all the hows and whys. Why ask why ?..What is the point ?
The bottom line is that this relationship was bad for her, was making her ( and that poor wife, too ! ) suffer, was potentially damaging to her career, and was not creating value and positivity in her life. Reason for which, the relationship needs to go, married lover needs to go, she needs to move on pronto, end of story.
She NEEDS to give herself her own closure. She can DECIDE that it's over, that she does not need / want to stay " friends " , that all this belong to the past and has got to be filed under " live and learn ". And this, regardless of what he thinks / says / promises, and of his motivations for thinking/ saying / promising things.
Often, it is an exercise in futility to try and devine WHY person X said Y thing - the motivations can be countless, and some of them cohexisting- probably there was no just one truth set in stone from day one and immutable, but a series of contingent truths, variable according to circumstances and situations...
Like,- it's just an example, he may have said certain things really meaning them on the wave of emotion and passion, but pretty soon have realized that the relationship could not go anywhere, and so, if not actually instigating a distance / separation, he let it happen without fighting because it was more sensible and convenient for him...He might have lied about his feelings and intentions, because he is a selfish shameless exploiter, or au contraire because he did not want to hurt her feelings and felt terrible about having put her into such a messy situation...or maybe a bit of both. Things are seldom all black or white.
We can spin many different plots from what it is being said, with many possible different motivations and different finals , but, at the end of the day, what counts is not what it is being said, but only what it is being DONE.
Did this guy , in 3 years, take any action toward divorcing his wife and /or making an official committment to your friend ? No, big fat no.
Did BOTH parties knew from the get - go that their relationship was forbidden due to work rules and regulations ? Yes they did, of course, and... did either one decide to change job in order to be free to pursue the relationship ? Heck NO ! he did not, and your friend did not either .
I am not saying they should have, I am sure they both had reasons to act as they did ; just that , when all it's said and done, what only counts, and what only should guide your actions and behaviours, is not what is being said or promised , maybe on the wave of a fleeting emotion, but what really happens in real life .
And what happened in real life is that the relationship pretty soon imploded, due to being an adulterine relationship and also totally unacceptable in the workplace. No wonder then that it started pretty soon being a cause of anguish stress humiliation etc. etc.- and that's the bottom thing , the thing which your friend should focus on, rather than on " he said " and he promised " ! : that this is an unhealthy ( and illicit ) relationship , which needs to be out of her life and out of her system asap; reason for which she can't wait for other people to give her closure, she MUST give herself closure, pull the plug on her ex, and move on with her life. (.. And maybe learn to make better choices in future ? If you do not go to swim with piranhas to begin with, - then you have much less chances of being attacked by flesh eating fishes ! )
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (9 February 2018):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso she just recently pulled the plug on the relationship with this man. It has been a 3 year battle but now with the change of duty she was able to cut it off however, as the person on the outside, she is so broken its almost as if it worst now then when she was still dealing with him. He hurt her really bad before she left to a new duty and they ended on bad terms because he couldn't make the time to see her off and say goodbye. she was so destroyed and cut him off cold. I can still hear the pain in her voice and in her crying when she called me to tell me what happened. After that, she went on to start her new life without him. However after a few weeks of no contact, he calls her and apologizes, telling her that he misses her and she is special to him that he took her for granted which is evident now that she is gone. he said he was stupid and he never meant to hurt her and he wanted to be friends. she agreed at first but i guess reality sunk in because she couldn't forget what he did or how she felt that day she left...it really did a number on her.. so she told him that she wanted him to tell her the truth abut everything so she can have closure and move on.. this made him angry..she told him to admit that he wanted her second in his life and he confirmed that he wanted to live his life and have her second... when she told him she would never talk to him again, he said that he only said it because that is what she wanted to hear... he got very angry and aggressive when she asked him to admit the ugly truth as a whole to the point where he told her she was pissing him off and he didn't want to talk about it anymore. After pestering him for a while, she finally got him to come clean and that is when he told her that when he first met her she made him feel like he was in heaven but then he knew that it could never be anything because f their careers so he did everything he could to push her away to protect them both..he said he pushed himself away from her and grew closer to his family during this time.(when she would ask him about his behavior shift, he would always tell her he wasn't growing distant or pushing her away) he then told her that she is special to him and she will always have a place in his heart and he wants to be friends. he "super duper" promised her that he would be the man that he was when she first met him...surprisingly, she declined and told him that he didn't deserve anything from her and that she didn't trust him and without that, they had nothing. she told him that she could never be his friend.....they haven't spoken in over a month and although i am extremely proud of her for breaking it off, she is in a very bad state right now and im scared for her... any advice, can anyone make sense of this? i really dont know. her breaking it off was supposed to be a good thing...why would she "super duper promise to be the man she first met when he wants to be "friends" or why would he want to be friends if he kept trying to push her away? if friendship is what he wanted, why push her away? i dont get it. what do ya'll get from all of this?
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (19 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie i cannot thank you enough for your elaborate responses. i let her read it and she just broke down into tears. hopefully what you said above will be enough for her to let all of this go like you said for the sake of her career and reputation. she really is a sweet girl and this'll definitely be a learning experience for her as she moves forward in her career. I'm sure this won't be the last MM that may try her and i just pray that she remembers the pain she felt from this and nips any advances in the bud from here on out. Thank you again!and of course to everyone else for their advice and support.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2016):
 I have spend 16 years as an "Army wife" so while you might think I'm judging her ability to do her job based on only my own personal beliefs, that isn't so. I have SEEN officers go down for having inappropriate relationships. 2 lost their commissions over affairs with married wives of service members and one... over having sex with a senior officers daughter. Now some units are more lax than others, some posts are more lax than others, but she will have an uphill battle with the gossip that either IS already going around or WILL go around. I can't count the amount of FRG meeting where THAT kind of juicy gossip was passed around.
So I know... second hand from SEEING it, that this CAN wreck her career, that is why I suggested in my FIRST bit of advice, and I'll reiterate, that HER best option is to talk to her commanding officer and put in for a transfer to either another unit or even better, to another duty station. It can help her twofold, 1. she will get away from him + she will be able to block him 2. she will be getting a new slate as far as her commission. (unless the wife decides to go to the CO and bust her husband AND your friend).
I get that LOVE can be all consuming, and I get that some people thing the more dramatic and tragic (think Romeo and Juliet) the more powerful the love is, but I absolutely disagree. SHE really need to find her strength before HE ruins her career.
And as a friend I think it's GREAT that you want to support her as much as you can, but I have to say I'd HATE to see a good friend go down in flames over a guy - a MARRIED guy who isn't her and never will be hers and... who IS NOT worthy of her love.
She also needs to take a good look at herself, both her actions and her hopes and dreams - and to try not spend all this energy and time trying to figure him out. He really isn't THAT complicated, neither are his actions.
He isn't concerned one bit about her career, nor her feeling, nor his wife's feelings - all in all he seems to care about one thing, HIS ego, HIS wants.
I hope your friend will find her strength and and "beat" her "addiction" to this destructive affair.
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (19 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycares
i see what you are saying and like i stated before she isnt happy and is trying to get out. distance may be the only thing that will help her
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (19 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie i never said that she was innocent and i have said that she knows that she is wrong but you're not acknowledging the fact that she is trying to get out of this because she is not willing to play second fiddle. I'm sure all woman can attest that it is hard to separate your emotions especially when the person whom you have feelings for is fighting to keep you around. she is on the right track by trying to get out and it just may be that her getting away will be just what she needs.i dont agree with her situation having anything to do with her ability to do her job, something like this can happen to anyone and its easy to point a finger at someone when you aren't in that situation. i don't judge her because I'm not her and I'm not in her shoes, i just listen and support as much as i can.she has made more than one attempt to break clean and i can work with that because that shows a person who is actively trying to get out of it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2016):
Not "all" married men will toss the mistress under the bus, specially if the wife doesn't give them an ultimatum or if the wife "thinks" the husband will keep his promises and not see the mistress any more.
Some wives will turn a blind eye in order to maintain the status quo. To keep their "family" together. To keep the benefits of marriage.
If this wife have medical issues and/or isn't working - where will she be after a divorce? Well, if they divorce she no longer gets "free" medical through the military and finding a job and start over might be something she can't handle right now.
I have NEVER understood people who lower themselves to be a mistress or mister to a married person - you can't really get much lower than that. It show how few F's you give towards other people AND yourself.
An affair is not about love. It's about lust and lack of self respect and lack of common sense.
You make it sound like she she can't "help" herself or that it's not her "fault" - that she is innocent in all this.. And I call bullshit on that. SHE made a choice to get involved with a married man. No matter how rotten his marriage is/was - there is no excuse for HER behavior (nor his).
And honestly, if she can't "control" herself what is she doing serving in a military unit as an officer? An officer who should at some point BE in charge of other people's safety and well-being? I know that sounds harsh, but as a FEMALE she is held to a higher standard than some male NCO. And as an officer she is held to a higher standard than some male NCO. She will command NO respect from her subordinate and certainly none from her superiors if her personal life is such a mess. I bet she is the laughing stock of her unit. And wives talk... There is no way it will stay a secret. I doubt her career will last long. And while it might be unfair that she takes the "brunt" of the consequences, SHE should have known better.
Adultery is seen and regarded as a crime in the US military. And THAT is why HER career can be over in the blink of an eye.
https://www.quora.com/Given-that-adultery-is-a-crime-in-the-US-military-will-an-officer-lose-his-job-if-he-cheats-on-his-wife
http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/explainer/2003/12/what_happens_to_cheating_soldiers.html
ALL for a man, that isn't HERS.
I'm sorry your friend is off her mind to think anything good can come from this. And if she thinks SHE is the "victim" in all this.
Common sense is JUST not that common.
I know you are hoping to hear that HE REALLY does love her and that is why he can't let go, but I think it's more about his ego than his feelings, after all what you have described is not really the actions of a loving man... is it? Both in how he has treated his wife AND her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 March 2016):
But that's because this man's wife is a wuss! She found out.. and there were no consequences. She may have objected , but, at the end of the day, she obviously is not leaving, he is not leaving, they agreed the show must go on, and he knows he can go on with his dalliances without too many consequences : maybe he'll try to not get caught AGAIN, to avoid reproaches and arguments, ... but I think he is pretty confident that anyhow he can keep his family intact. And THAT's what he cares about most.
The men tend to throw the lover under the bus because they are forced to make a choice. Choose, or else ( I'll tell everything to our kids and they will hate you,.... I will never have sex with you again... I 'll divorce and take you to the cleaners,.... or any other kind of unpleasant " or else " ). This guy , either has got better at covering his tracks and he is sure his tryst won't cause any more problems, or simply he knows he has the upper hand ( with both women ) so he does not NEED to chose or to throw anybody under the bus : He can totally have his cake and eat it too. And he will keep doing it until neither woman stops him . He'd be stupid if he stopped on his own ! ( remember, we are always talking from the point of view of someone who has fluid moral boundaries, and very few conscience scruples ).
I think I know what you are getting at, maybe : " but if he keeps insisting , ... if he keeps making all this effort .... then it must be true love, she must be the only and one love of his life " .
Two things :
1 ) WHAT effort ? A few phone calls ?... It does not seem that your friend is opposing a very strong resistance !, it seems he's just got to whistle and she will run !
Plus, again, he is not sacrificing anything : his job,his marriage, his family, his money , his comfy habits- everything stays the same, what's the effort ? Saying , basically, "I am horny and want something on the side " is to be considered an effort ?... Debatable. It's the same "effort" that a bratty child makes , when his mom denies him a piece of candy, and he stomps his feet and says " But I want it ! I want it ! I want my candy ! "
2 ) Since I do not know the persons involved, I am more than willing to admit that it may be not just about sex. Life is seldom all in black and white , so maybe there's something more than lust, something stronger and deeper .
...And ? When all is said and done, the situation does not change. He does not leave his wife, he does not want to leave his wife.
Which, anyway you put it, sends loud and clear the message that his wife is priority N.1, and your friend, ( best case scenario ) priority N. 2. Your friend is and always will be second fiddle. Always supporting actress and never the lead.
If she thinks that she can be happy with that for much longer , or for the rest of her life, - let her try. Experience will prove her wrong , and at some point she is going to have a rude awakening. The pity will be the great waste of time, that she could have avoided showing just a little more backbone ....
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (18 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni don't want to beat a dead horse I'm just saying that from everything I've read online about married men and cheating,one thing remains the same. once caught, married man throws other woman under the bus, cuts contact and goes back to wife and family leaving the other woman heartbroken... this didn't happen, wife found out and married man is still pursuing other woman even when other woman has walked away and is still trying to walk away. he should be putting that effort into his marriage but he isn't. do you see what i am saying.... so with all that being said, how can you explain that... you cant.
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (18 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycares
its not textbook in a sense because every time she walks away, he literally begs her to come back. i've witnessed it myself and can now understand from the outside why its so hard for her to stick with her decision. he really did sound sincere but it still doesn't make any sense. he act as though he cant live without her but he isn't going to leave his wife. I'm at the end of my rope because i don't know how to he anymore.
a married man who decides to stay with his wife does not/should not fight this hard to keep someone around especially if they love their wife and want to fix the marriage. (from research)
he is doing everything he can to keep her and like i said it doesn't make sense.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 March 2016):
Isn't it rather self evident why does he do it ? He does it because it's convenient for him and it works well for him. He gets to keep his cake and eat it too, with no effort. He gets to keep his steady loving understanding wife with whom he has a family , and also forbidden (... and therefore so much more exciting ) sex -on-tap. He likes the situation, it suits him perfectly, so he won't give it up unless he is forced to. I don't find it very surpring. It's pretty textbook, in fact .
Suppose that you had a very small income, no moral scruples, AND a rich friend you can always hit on for money, asking him/her "loans " that you regularly
" forget " to pay back. A second income, basically. Your friends got sick of that, and she can't quite afford it ; she groans, moans, scolds ....and yet, every single time, she yields to your demands and gives you what you want . Would you voluntarily stop scrounging off her ?
( remember, you are a selfish , scrupleless person ): of course not. You would put your own interest well above hers, and you would think that if she is weak and manipulable, that's her problem.
" He should not be concerned about your friend if he wants to fix his marriage " : As for that - even admitting that he IS concerned about your friend ,which is opinable - then he was not even
" supposed " to bonk your friend, since he was already a married man . Your friend knew him as a man with shaky moral principles, and one who does what he likes, not what he is supposed to do ; and NOW she wants him to play by the rules, and is shocked that he does not ?!
Tell your friend to stop wasting time investiganting the whys and hows. Who cares why ?, that may be a matter of interest for his marriage counselor . As far as your friend is concerned, finding the reason why he acts in a certain way won't change of a iota the fact that he is still married, still offering her only a part-time, secret affair and not a true relationship, and still putting in jeopardy her job and her reputation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2016): Thanks for the update.I'm curious though.. you ask 'why' he still pursues her. It's a question most people would ask in your friend's situation/ but one step away, and able to be more objective, I'd have thought the explanations were obvious?-Because he can. She let's him have his cake and eat it. So why wouldn't he?-women and men from all walks of life do it. everyone has fleetingly glanced at someone else, and understands the conceot of being able to fancy more than one person at a time, or enjoying the attention of more than one person at a time.-People aren't perfect. We want and do things which we morally shouldn't for pure lust and enjoyment, even when we feel guilty afterwards.I'm not saying that he's right or that she shouldn't walk, nay run away. But what is it that you don't understand/ want to know? He is not going to leave his wife and the longer your friend stays the harder it will be to leave. But she CAN leave whenever she wants IF she chooses. and the sooner the better.So really the biggest question is not why he does it, but why does she stay when she knows all of this?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 March 2016):
 jrage: Men think of women much as we think of potato chips. It's hard to eat (have) just one.... and, once one package is empty, it's easy to go and get another....
THAT "explains" why this guy acts as he does..
Good luck to your friend....
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (15 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe do know he is not going to leave his wife which further more questions why he needs to have her in his life especially when he says he loves his wife. how can he love his wife and do this to her? he shouldn't be concerned about my friend if he is trying to fix his marriage.
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (15 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe said she has thought about it if she was the wife and of course she wouldn't want anyone to do that to her. she said she didn't intent to fall in love with him or get involved with him it happened before she even knew it was happening. she wants out but its hard if he keeps coming back to her to fix things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2016): Can your friend simply offer him an very clear cut ultimatum?
IF you want to stay with your wife then I do not want anything other than a work relationship with you.
And that IF he does want more than that with her then not to come to her until he has left his wife.
And since we know that he'll never leave his wife then he will never be able to bother her provided that she sticks to the ultimatum. But that much at least is up to your friend to control.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2016):
It's pretty OBVIOUS that he isn't good for her OR her career but she is pulling the "I love him!' card out as an excuse to continue his and HER bad behavior and really, when people use the "I love him!" as an excuse there isn't much you can do to convince her otherwise.
But... have you considered asking her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? IF she was the WIFE?
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (13 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe fell in love with him which makes it worse and then becomes the question of why he pursued the relationship in a way for her to fall in love if he never had any intention of being with her. that is a cruel thing to do. she told me that in the beginning when things were picking up, he would ask her if she loved him as if he knew so why do that to someone?
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (13 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ivyblue can you explain how his wife knowing about the far empowers him to continue emotional manipulation?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (13 March 2016):
 She knows he's no good, that feeling of sadness in her heart tells her that. You sound like a good friend, with good intentions but like the horse is to water-you can lead it there but you cant make it drink. Maybe,instead of trying to point out to her just how bad he is, perhaps it is just as good for her benefit to be pointing out that her allowing herself to be involved with a married man makes her just as bad- friend or not she is a cheating mistress and not at all entirely innocent. That in itself could paint the reality of how she presents in this situation- does she really want to be THAT woman? Maybe, if you are courageous enough to point that out it may prick her moral conscience into thinking she can do and deserve better. Just a thought...
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 March 2016):
Now that his wife knows about the affair and, as you put it, he has had no consequences, I feel as though this just empowers him to continue to emotional manipulate your friend. Given the repetitive nature of things I would be advising my friend to be putting in for an immediate transfer to another department/base within the military. Relationship aside, fraternising is frowned upon within the services, doing so with your married superior would be professional suicide and dare I say worse for her than it would be him. She needs to smarten up, quick smart!
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A
female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (12 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni understand what u all are saying but to help her, can you all shift the answers to some insight so she can see that he isn't any good. maybe if i let her read the perspectives of others about his behavior, she will be able to remove the rose colored glasses and see him for who he really is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2016):
Your friend needs to stop concerning herself as to WHY he is doing and MAKE it stop. SHE can stop it, IF she so chooses.
I think your friend is a tad naive if she thinks ANYTHING good can come from this.
When or IF the wife gets enough of this, all she has to do is go to the Commander and complain about your friend. Then your friend's career is over. All for a dick of a man.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (12 March 2016):
 Married men whose marriage is no good either fix it or get divorced. There is no such thing as cheating on wife because marriage is no good. This means that men who cheat on their wives do that because they can (wont get busted) and because the other woman makes herself available. This also means that a cheating husband does not intend on divorcing his wife over the other woman because if he intended to divorce then he would have done it already. Men who want a divorce don't need the other woman to convince him that he needs a divorce.
Your friend cannot control the bust side of things, but she has full control of her availability. This guy is after sex and does not care about her. Maybe she does not understand the dynamic of cheating man's thinking, so perhaps this could help.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (12 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhis wife already knows about the affair and there were no consequences for him for his cheating. she is now more attentive to him and trying very hard to fix his marriage. how can he fix his marriage if he is worrying or chasing after another woman. she also cant mess her career up without messing his up.
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female
reader, jrage22 +, writes (12 March 2016):
jrage22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your answers and would love to hear more perspectives. why would anyone want to do something like this to another person. she is such a sweet girl and i understood exactly how she got caught in this. she trusted him and then got caught up in her feelings. like i stated, she has tried to break free from him on more than once occasion but her feelings for him allow him to come right on back. as her friend, i really hate this. why put so much effort into keeping her. his wife found out about them and he still was still trying to cheat and is still chasing after my friend.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 March 2016):
"... if so, why?"
Because SHE is acting dumb enough to let him get away with it.... Her risk is breathtaking..... knocked down in rank, expunged from the service... BOTH her career AND life a mess.....
All she can do is try to MINIMIZE the damage she will incur if/as this thing continues....
You'll be a good friend if you simply stand aside... let the manure hit the fan... and support her - as a good friend will - when her life becomes a mess....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2016):
EDIT:
He can TOTALLY much up her career if he takes this to their superiors. She should have known better. She knows about fraternization and the rules for officers. HIS WIFE can totally much up her career if she gets "proof" of the affair.
Should have been:
He can TOTALLY *MUCK* up her career if he takes this to their superiors. She should have known better. She knows about fraternization and the rules for officers. HIS WIFE can totally *MUCK* up her career if she gets "proof" of the affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2016): this is a very perfect example of an abusive relationship. He made sure she had an emotional investment but whenever he decides to end it, as soon as he sees she's happy he brings her back in again. when she tries to break it off he is not okay with it. he's probably looking for some way to continue having the best of both worlds or at least make sure that she isn't going to be happy being single or try to date somebody else. he had this all planned out from the beginning. if she finalizes the break and maybe request to be moved somewhere else he could make sure she is not going to get out of it without some disciplinary measure because she is his Superior. He likes it that way. he will have to be the one to dump her and he is going to keep her around until he can find some way to make sure that she is the bad guy. he started this whole thing off making it look like work-related and then just friendship and I can see how she's got Twisted into it because friends do emotionally support one another.I guess you can point out how quickly he moved and how if The Break-Up is her idea it is not OK with him and how it is her fault when he succumbs to his desires and how he is deciding for her that he is coming over. Point out how he is not letting her go and he does not like to see her emotionally independent of him and happy because that means he is not in control. He probably resents having a female Superior and he is now probably going to use her Superior position against her as a way of keeping her in her place. there has got to be somebody she can speak to through the military where she can explain how he has her in his clutches but she is the one who will receive disciplinary action. I would just be there for her for moral support and a shoulder to cry on when it all comes crashing down on her. that is all you can really do. Emotional abuse is hard to prove and there's no way she's coming out of this not looking like the bad guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2016):
Since she is military and HIGHER rank than him, I'd suggest she looks into reassignment or a school to "get away" from him for a while, if not permanently.
Since they are in the same chain of command she can't block his number or stop talking to him. BUT she can ignore NON work related texts.
He can TOTALLY much up her career if he takes this to their superiors. She should have known better. She knows about fraternization and the rules for officers. HIS WIFE can totally much up her career if she gets "proof" of the affair. SHE is (pardon my English) FU@KED if she doesn't NIP this in the bud and cut all PERSONAL contact with him. I Have seen a good officer go down due to inappropriate fraternization (it was a male officer and a wife of a NCO - but it still RUINED the offers career.)
Even if he LEFT his wife, she might STILL put her career in jeopardy dating a subordinate. Not only that but she MUST be a bit dense to think this guy is AT ALL caring for her or his family. He is a two-timing piece of crap who is using her and who is WELL aware that SHE is between a rock and a hard place. He doesn't want "her" per se, he wants to have to POWER over her.
Really, her best option is reassignment to another duty station. And to be PROFESSIONAL when it comes to her career.
If she WANTS a career within the military she needs to start thinking with her head, not her heart. And she needs to consider that SHE is not ALL innocent in this mess. Doesn't matter how horrible the guys marriage is... SHE is CHEATING with a married man.
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