A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met a divorced man about 10 months ago. We have been talking and seeing each other on and off over the last 8 months. We have become intimate and enjoy each others company when we are able to meet. Recently, he mentioned that he didn't want me to think that our relationship was just about having sex, however he will not define what our relationship. Additionally, he has told me that he has no desire to become emotionally involved with anyone as he is extremely happy and content to just live his life with his two children whom he spends 4 days out of 7 with. On the other hand, he has also told me that he finds me intellectually stimulating, amazing and enjoys my company and the time we spend together. He continues to state that he wants to continue calling me but is reluctant to define our relationship. I think he has been very hurt in the past and is afraid to be in a relationship with another woman so is content in his comfort zone. How should I proceed to deal with the man. He is smart, intelligent, responsible and a wonderful person and I am very confused as to whether I should just walk away or continue to see where this interaction is headed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses to my question. I have felt that our situation has moved into a FWB situation buy I have confronted him with this issue and he has actually expressed that he doesn't want me to think that that is what our relationship is all about. Yes, he used the word relationship not me. To be truthful I was very surprised at when he did. Additionally, I have met his children and was very shocked that he went out of his way to make sure that I would be at an activity in order to met the children. Afterwards, I found out that he had a detailed discussion with his children about me and they stated that they thought I was very beautiful and fun to be with. I know that everyone has suggested to move on and many times I have felt that that is the best to do. However, I am aware that on several ocassions I have expressed and even provided an "out" for this man and he has continued to expressed that that is not what he wants to do. We are not intimate often and as a matter of fact, it seems that our interation is more over the phone or text than anything else that is why this is so confusing. When we do talk on the phone the conversations are varied, funny, and I even try to cut it off after just a few minutes but he insists on continuing and even asks that I call him back. Additionally, I am aware that he is not seeing anyone else, nor has he been with anyone else since we meet. He also has admitted that the issues which we have discussed about relationships, how he fells about his life with his kids and his emotional state is something he has never opened up to anyone about nor has he discussed with anyone in the past. He has admitted that he is very confused about this fact and the ease with which he can talk to me about his emotions.
I guess I am more confused as to whether to just continue on as a friend (which I know I can be) or just stand aside and allow him to figure out what is going on with his life. He has admitted to being a guy with a complicated life who is just trying to figure it all out.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 He HAS defined your relationship, just not with the usual labels : "FWB " , "intimate friendship " " casual dating " or another one of the various shades in the palette of the uncommitted.
He told you he does not want to be romantically involved, he told you all he cares about is spending time with his kids, he told you he's happy and content with his life as it is now ( which implies he is not willing to introduce in it major changes ). Clearer than that...
You say " On the other hand, he told me that etc.etc. " There is no other hand. He does not want a serious relationship with you AND also he finds you stimulating and likes spending time with you- in a casual, non committed way.
I guess you'd like to know what happens if you stick around, is he gonna change his mind. Personally, I think the chances are slim- but of course I cannot know.
It all depends from your attitude and from what you feel- if you can wait for further developments just enjoying the good times for what they are , without resentment , anxiety or frustration, do.
If instead you are sure you want something more and being in this "fluid " relationship makes you bitter and frustrated and missing out - don't waste any more time and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): If he spends 4 days a week with his children, you are a delightful distraction for him. Hes stated that hes not interested in an emotional relationship, so it looks very much as if you have stumbled into a FWB situation and thats why hes reluctant to put a name to it. Bit unfair of him really, he should have warned you from the get go that he was not interested in anything more than a FWB. But if he had, would you have stuck around?
He may have been hurt as you suggest. If so, he probably still harbours feelings for someone else and isnt available for anything sustantial with you. If hes seeing the children half the week, theres a good chance hes also seeing quite a lot of his ex. You dont really know what occurs between them. Its my guess there are issues there and thats why hes telling you he cant get too invloved with you. Its been 8 months now. If you are still being kept outside of his family life, havent met the children ect. Then you are being kept out for a very good reason! I would move on and find someone who WANTS you for more than a FBW relationship. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (20 January 2011):
 Let him just be with his children. He has clearly stated that he has no space for you in his life...no definition to the relationship, no emotional involvement...there's nothing that will hold the bond. Sure he wants to call you...he has the "amazing time" and "enjoys your company". But at the end of the day he's with his children and thats what matters to him and at least he's honest about it!
Why do you want to compromise like this? Dont let yourself just drift with the flow....you wont have anyone to blame expect yourself, because you will obviously develop feelings and expectations regarding him, and they will not be reciprocated. Where does that leave you then? Think about it. Move on.
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