A
male
age
41-50,
*nwind
writes:Here is my situation . . . I will try to summarize it while including all pertinent information. (sorry in advanced if it is too long, but I feel if I do not include important info, then I would get complete advice)I started dating a great woman last July (2009). We hit it off from the get go. Every facet was great. When we started to get intimate, I would stop after a few minutes due to discomfort. I didn't know what was going on. She eventually brought it up and I would brush the topic aside. She would always try to initial sex and I would try, but stop again. She asked me repeatedly if she was hurting me. I told her no, but in reality I didn't know what was going on and why my body shutdown. Eventually, she brought it up early January. I told her that I would try to get it fixed individually. It was a heated discussion for about 2 hours. She told me that she gave up trying, but she was still crazy about me. She said that she feels this is more like a brother/sister relationship. I was supposed to stay over her place, but she wanted space and I said that is fine. As I was about to leave she was mad because she knew I didn't want to leave and she wanted me to fight for what I thought. I told her is it probably best that we have space and we will talk later.I looked for professional help. I hired an intimacy coach, sex therapist, and had an appointment with a urologist in a week at the time. I got an email from her saying she wanted to break things off. I find it odd that a 31 year old would do this. (I am 32 btw) At first I accepted the breakup and emailed her back a understanding email, although I really didn't want it to be over.I asked her if I could come to see her next week for closure and to pick up my things. Then I told her all the things I was doing and that I don't know why it took me this long. I wrote a letter to assure that I would not forget any important point (about all the things I did in some detail). I asked her if it was OK if I left my things at her apartment. She said that she was fine with it. She kissed me on the way out and I felt good.It took her an entire week for her to call me and to tell me that she could go on with it. I was upset and she could tell. I told her that I had an amazing time with her and hopefully we can stay in touch.I called her one week later to agree on a day and time for me to pick up my stuff. It took an entire 10 or so days and I finally picked up my stuff from her place. When there she asked me to sit and got me a drink. I thought was would want me out of her place ASAP. I asked her if she wanted to hang out next week and she suggested brunch. She came 11 on the dot and was dressed really nice (for brunch?). She put effort to do her hair and put makeup (which she doesn't do on a regular basis). We spoke like it was old times. There were no awkward moments or no pauses.2 hours later we parted ways and I asked her if she wanted to go bowling the following week. She called me the day before we were supposed to go and she canceled, yet we spoke on the phone for 45 minutes and I cut to conversation. We still text one in a while. Although I haven't seen her in 3 weeks, my friend said that a woman that isn't interested at all would not agree to see you afterwards and she would not keep you stuff at her apartment for an additional 3 weeks and she would not text you and such. He isn't saying that we will get back together, but I am hopeful. I just don't want to fool myself. I left her a VM on Thursday night (it is saturday now) asking her to hang out for Sunday. She hasn't gotten back to me. I text her every 3rd to 5th day and call her once a week (on average).My issue is simple . . . I want her back. I know 5 people who have gotten back with their ex and are in a better relationship after the breakup (2 are married and one is engaged). We had ONE issue, literally. If this issue is fixed (btw I got proper diagnosis and started treatment 3 weeks ago), why can't this relationship work? What do you think I should do in order to get her back? It's been about 7-8 weeks since the breakup. I still believe that she still has feelings for me. I tend to be very realistic, so I do not feel that I am sugar coding it.
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male
reader, unwind +, writes (22 March 2010):
unwind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI called and and it went straight to VM, then I texted "Hey Jessica, Hope your weekend was enjoyable. Are you available to talk later today? :)"
I texted her one hour ago and no response. This non-responsiveness is really annoying me. LOL!!
A
male
reader, unwind +, writes (22 March 2010):
unwind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, she replied to my last text one week ago. I called her on Thursday and she didn't reply to that call. I really want to talk to her and see her again. Do you think if I write a letter, the possibility of seeing her is slim to none?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 March 2010):
I think you need to ask her how she feels. The problems with intimacy probably made her feel bad about herself, so she may have thought that it was all her own fault. Since you tried the texts and they did't work, maybe you should try writing a letter. Write a letter explaining how you feel, then wait. If she doesn't reply, then you'll know it's time to move on.
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A
male
reader, unwind +, writes (21 March 2010):
unwind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: She didn't call/text me back. It's been three days. This is NOT good. I should probably give her some space.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (21 March 2010):
 She knows you want her back, but she wants you to pursue her (think back to the argument where she was angry because you didn't fight for the relationship). She needs you to show her that you want her in your life.
Even though it is frustrating, you have to continue to be consistent in your contact--not at a stalker-level, though.What you are doing now is fine, but I think you can amp up your texting a little bit to every other day. Keep things light, though. Just let her know that you're thinking about her. For example, if you see something funny that reminds you of a moment you shared or reminds you of an inside joke between the two of you, send her a text about it. Things like this stir up memories and feelings of when times were better.
Randomly send her a bouquet of her favorite flowers at work one day. Make sure the message on the card lets her know that you are thinking of her, but don't put in anything about loving her and wanting her back.You want her to know that you are sincere, not desperate.
I don't know how the weather is where you are, but on my side of the country it's beautiful. Call her today to hang out and enjoy the sunshine. Maybe have lunch someplace with outdoor seating. Don't accept her non-answer as an automatic "no".
The next time you offer to hang out, ask her to meet up with you for lunch on a weekday or for dinner on a weeknight. I can't speak for all women, but I'm far more impressed when a guy wants to hang out with me on a Tuesday night; nearly everyone has free time on the weekend, so it means more that someone is so interested in me that he carves out time during the work week to see me.
I think you are on the right track overall. Keep up the contact and do things that show you are sincere, not desperate. Desperation is never sexy.
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A
male
reader, unwind +, writes (21 March 2010):
unwind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks first responder. That is exactly what I do not want to do. That I know!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): i think the first thing you need to do is just plain come out with it and ask her if she'll take you back
then at least you know where you stand
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