A
female
age
36-40,
*izzyb
writes:My ex and I broke up around five months ago. We had a great 2.5 year relationship with few problems, we're both 21. we broke up because he was going overseas for two months with 3 of his single friends and i was getting paranoid, threatening to break up with him and saying stupid things. he was starting med when he got home and thought he couldn't take the pressure of med and me being stupid. Anyways he wanted to get back together after a week but i told him to go away and we'd talk about it when he got home. he msgd all the time he was away. he got home. we were supposed to meet up but he cancelled coz his aunt died, then his best friends dad died a few days later. two weeks after that he asked to meet up again. he said he missed me, still loved me, bought me a beautiful ring while he was away. he told me he still considered himself unavailable and hadn't even tried looking for anyone else coz noone else would ever compare. I'd kind of been dating someone casually for about a month and he'd just asked me to be his gf. i told me ex this and he got quite upset. neways i said i'd have a think about what i wanted to do for two weeks then we'd meet up again. So during this two weeks I'm stressed, have no idea what to do, feeling really bad for this new guy who seems to really like me. Yesterday was supposed to be the day my ex and I saw each other again but then he cancels at the last minute with no excuse and asks if we can postpone to this weekend. I'm like wtf?? I feel like he's playing games. We always see each other when it's convenient for him. My mum reckons he might be really upset about the new guy, particularly as my stupid friend put up photos on facebook of me with the new guy at a party the other week. my ex would have seen them coz I know he checks my page all the time (he's admitted to it). I'm just very confused about the whole thing. I don't want to be a doormat, someone whose life he feels like he can walk in and out of. what should I do?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Now you're on the right track. Take care, and I wish you the best for your future.
A
female
reader, lizzyb +, writes (19 March 2009):
lizzyb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i told the new guy what was going on. how it was a mistake to jump into anything new so quickly when i hadn't fully moved on and how i needed time to myself. he was lovely about it. said he wanted to wait until i'd had my time but i told him I didn't know how long it would be and it was unfair for me to make him wait.
I think i've made alot of mistakes. I reckon my ex thinks that the breakup never effected me as I never showed him that I was ever hurt (because of my pride) and then next thing he knows is i'm with someone else. I'm going to let him know how I feel, I've got nothing to loose. And if we do get back together I'm going to take it really really slowly, with a fresh start, and try to get to know each other and trust each other all over again. if he says he still doesn't know what he wants i'm going to say that i respect that but please respect my need to move on and don't contact me for a while because it's unfair. either way I know I'll be fine.
thanks for your advice guys!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 March 2009):
Your welcome. Just a bit of advice to leave you with. When things are confusing, and you're pulled different directions, take time after one relationship ends before starting a new one. You need to take time for yourself, sort everything out, and if leaving a bad relationship, heal and rebuild your self esteem and who you are. After my last relationship, I've gone 3 1/2 years still rebuilding myself. Sometimes you just need a break.
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A
female
reader, lizzyb +, writes (17 March 2009):
lizzyb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry yeah I know it's confusing, we did have a good relationship. but the demise of it was terrible and confusing, as had been the following couple of months. We really didn't have many problems, we were really happy. thanks so much for your advice. i'm seeing the new guy tomorrow and i'm going to let him go. it's really not fair on him whatever happens with my ex and he needs to know the truth.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 March 2009):
The problem I have in answering your question, is how what you're saying now contradicts your initial question. Was it as bad as you said, or is "We had a great 2.5 year relationship with few problems, we're both 21. we broke up because he was going overseas for two months with 3 of his single friends and i was getting paranoid, threatening to break up with him and saying stupid things." correct?
Generally both people have a part in negative relationship behaviors, but you didn't ask to weigh out who did what and why. The answers I have given are in direct relation to the information you provided, and if your statements conflict with each other, it's not easy to provide you with an answer that will benefit you.
I wish you luck with making your decision.
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A
female
reader, lizzyb +, writes (17 March 2009):
lizzyb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI moved on so fast not because I didn't value the relationship, the opposite actually. he hurt me so much in the month he was completely shutting down I wasn't eating, sleeping, functioning. I nearly failed my uni exams and lost 6 kilos. When he finally dumped me it was almost a relief because at least I knew what was going on. That was a horrible month of him not contacting me, me walking on egg shells and taking it all out on my friends, my family and myself. Everyone in my life was so worried about me, I couldn't stop crying. I've tried to forget that time because it was the worst time of my like. I couldn't take him back a week after him doing that- I wouldn't let myself, I was so hurt. There was a week between then and when he went away. I wanted to see him again before he went away because I was thinking of accepting his offer but he brushed me off. Don't think that he was blameless. He nearly destroyed me. After that I snapped into defensive mode- he'd hurt me enough and I needed to get on with my life. The people around me who have seen me go through it all- none of them think what I have done is wrong. Problem is my ex saw none of this. I think he thinks I was absolutely fine, that the breakup had no effect on me that I was able to move on so quickly.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 March 2009):
It's not about defending what has happened or what he or you had done. I'm not trying to be harsh, only show you that choices have consequences. Every choice will either produce a negative or a positive outcome.
If you say you'll discuss getting back together after he returns, and you find someone else during that time, it's a betrayal which can produce similar thoughts as being cheated on. After a week, he wanted you back and you pushed him away, so which part were you not sure if he would return? Before you rejected him, or after?
You may lose him permanently, you knew how long he'd be gone, that he had an obligation to return to, but you jumped the gun and assumed that information was false. Then you blame your decision on his behavior, when you weren't willing to see within original time stated.
How do you feel about being single? Are you bothered when you don't have someone there? Did you feel abandoned when he took his vacation? You stated, "he was starting med when he got home", and "he wanted to get back together after a week but i told him to go away and we'd talk about it when he got home. he msgd all the time he was away." During this period, when did he imply he was not returning. Messaging all the time, shows he was missing you. Wanting you back shows the same, and you're telling him to go away, shows you rejected his desire to be with you. But the fact is, he came back as he said he would, and you found a replacement.
So ask yourself this. You've been deciding on weather or not to be with him, or a new person, which places them as emotionally equal to you (2 1/2 years v. months). Postponing again, you say reinforces your feelings or non trust. I say, you've already reinforced your tossing him away on fears which have not been validated by proof which would justify lack of trust. If you felt tossed away, replaced, and devalued under these circumstances, would you take yourself back?
I'm telling you this, not as a behavior analyst, but as a person and how I'd react if I were in your ex's place. If I were told you needed two weeks to decide under these circumstances, I would have made it easy, and considered us done and decide you could go off with him. That comes from valuing myself, and what I'd be willing to accept. He might still love you, but doesn't want to be in a relationship where he feels replaceable.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 March 2009):
 You make it sound like he left you forever! In reality, you ended your relationship with him because he was going travelling with some friends. So the problem was that you didnt trust him in the first place, never mind whether or not you can trust him now!
You need to realise that men dont ask for you back more than a couple of times, I think you may have blown it here. Men have very delicate egos and after he asked for you back after you had only been apart for a week, that will have really hurt him. And then to get home and find out you have moved on so fast? In terms of male ego here, his will have been knocked to the floor and then trampled all over. You think your being a doormat? He will feel like the biggest doormat in the world right now. He bought you a ring while he was away, and made sure he didnt look at anyone else when he probably had loads of chances!
If you can move on so fast after a 2 and a half year relationship then you dont have very strong feelings for you ex. If you were madly in love with him and wanted to be with him then you would have been so cut up about the relationship ending then even if a smart, good looking funny guy comes into your life; you wouldnt notice him because you were so upset about your ex.
If you like this new guy then stay with him, it sounds like there might be more in this new relationship than your old one. If you feel he likes you more than you like him, and he is just a fling to pass the time then you should end it before he starts telling you he loves you etc, it is not fair on him.
With regards to your ex, I dont think you are the person he wants to see at the moment. You have probably hurt him too much here for it ever to be repaired - and you never trusted him in the first place. It doesnt sound like there is much to save here anymore - if you had of stayed single while he was away then maybe you could have worked things out. After all, you did tell your ex that you will talk when he got back, hence you made him think that you would be waiting for him once he got home.
I know you feel he was in the wrong here but you need to realise that what you have done to him is worse than him blowing hot and cold on you. This poor old guy said to you that he couldnt even look at anyone because no-one would compare to you - yet here you are with a new man! Imagine how you would feel in his situation - I dont think you would be feeling too good at the moment.
If you really want him back then you have some serious work to do - I dont think he will ever be able to feel the same for you now.
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, lizzyb +, writes (16 March 2009):
lizzyb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's not second best. He was and always will be my first choice. But how can I trust him again after he left? Also I didn't intend to go out with the new guy, I wasn't looking for anyone. He asked me out and he's nice and funny. It was not intentional and I really didn't know if my ex was ever coming back, especially considering the months we've been apart he's been a little wishy washy with me. So what was I supposed to do? put my life on hold for someone who might or might not be coming back? I didn't tell you all the details- he's been very much hot a cold the months we've been apart. he'd been back over a month before I finally had to arrange the first phone call, and also the meeting. he delayed which is understandable and i did not begrudge him for it but he really hasn't been going out of his way to see me. Sorry just wanted to defend myself. I understand what you say about him not being valued. I think he was really hurt that I'd managed to replace him so soon. But at the end of the day he was the one who let me go, he was the one who risked having the happen and obviously he felt that it was a risk he was willing to take. I've made mistakes but he's made alot too which makes me terrified about trusting him again. I still love him but he really hurt me. the month before the breakup was hell and he just completely shut me out and i had no idea what was going on. after that I kind of went f you and tried to get on with my life. so yeah my feelings are still there, I just don't know if I can ever trust him again and him postponing again just reinforced this more. that being said i'm sure he's feeling very insecure about it all too. thanks for your feedback, helped me understand it from a guys perspective.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 March 2009):
The facts you gave, if I understand this:
(1) You, through jealousy and fear, threaten to break up with him, which he gave an honest answer about handling "drama" and med combined.
(2) He leaves, wants you back and you tell him to go away, and you'll discuss it when he returns. During which you find, and start seeing someone else.
(3) He rescheduled meeting because of deaths, which are reasonable requests.
(4) You meet and say you need to think about it, because now you're making a decision between he and this other guy, which devalues your feelings for him.
(5) He reschedules again, but without reason.
I think I have the facts in order. You had a great 2 1/2 year relationship, which now is in competition with a new relationship. That tells me, you hold little value with the time already spent. He may be wondering if meeting is such a good idea. If I were in this situation, the other guy would win, because I'd say goodbye and walk away. When I look at this, I see you reducing the value you have for your ex, and making him easily replaceable. Men and women want to be valued in a relationship, and want to be seen as being important to the partner they are with.
I see, you've made the decision to stay away, and find someone else. So he may need to make a decision on whether he wants to be in "competition", where he feels as if he's second best.
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