A
female
age
41-50,
*abyblueeyes
writes:You may know from previous posts I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have just had a weeks break as I could not cope anymore with only seeing him once a week. I have taken up Ho vies and made new friends but at the end of he day I still have to sleep on my own every night. I am rest to settle down. He has come back to say he is willing to get a divorce from his wife who he has been separated for from 7 years and to start looking for a mortgage again. The thing is I have wanted this all along but now I don't know how I feel. I thought I would be excited but I am not. I am not sure if it is the last few years of fighting for what I want or it is because I don't have faith that he means it. I don't know what to do. What if we can't get the mortgage? Do I give up because I am lonely and need more companionship or do I hold off another 5 years til we can get a mortgage? I'm confused and exhausted from putting all the effort in.
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male
reader, methuselah +, writes (2 July 2014):
Hi,
Sorry, this is really going nowhere. Two years is just a 'carrot' to keep you hooked. I really believe you should get out of this. It is not good for you. In two years, which will never come, he will be offering another excuse. Sorry.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 July 2014):
 The ring while it might be pretty... is a hold out tactics. And then he goes on holiday with his daughter? Nothing planned with you? At all?
He thinks the ring will keep you around, he gave HIMSELF ANOTHER 2 years to wait. Wanna bet... in 2 years time he will find another excuse to string you along?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 July 2014):
 nope you are not missing anything... and you are not over reacting.
in two years he will have some other excuse.
a ring for engagement purposes IMO only works if you SET a date within a few weeks of getting engaged and book the venue.
long open ended engagements are just place holders.
I would tell him that you need to be married within your own time frame (12-18 months if it will take you that long to plan a wedding) and you want a date and to get started on this... he will BALK and then you return the ring and walk.
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A
female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (1 July 2014):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys update as follows. My guy has his divorce then while we were on a break advice mentioned in my last post, he proposed to me with the most beautiful ring. He told me he loved me and couldn't Imagine life without me and we would sort our living arrangements out. Everyone around us seems happy for us and I was on cloud 9 then I asked him what our plans should be. He then said he was looking at approx 2 years before we lived together as he was not emotionally ready. Hello? Why propose if he isn't ready to be a family. He has also booked a holiday with his daughter when new have all gone away together for the last 5 years. I am very upset about this. I think he could have taken us away on holiday as he knows i can't afford one this year. It seems nothing has changed apart from a ring on my finger. Am I missing something or over reacting?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2014):
I think you deserve better, or rather MORE then he is willing to give you.
It's OK to be sad, hurt and angry - but take some time with NO CONTACT and let yourself move on. YOU have put in 5 years with this guy and when push came to shove... he tucked tail and ran off.
Don't feel that the 5 years were wasted. Take it as a LONG LONG lesson. YOU learned something from this, I hope.
One should be... don't date a man who isn't REALLY/LEGALLY single. And LOOK at a guys action don't just take his word.
I'm sorry you are hurting. Chin up. YOU can do better then him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 June 2014):
I think you are doing the right thing. My 40 yr old hubby and I (age 54) just refinanced the house and will be selling and buying a new house in a few years...
he's making excuses because he likes it the way it is and he wants what he wants (once a week visiting and sex etc)
be strong.. the pain will pass
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A
female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (6 June 2014):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys. Just thought I would give You An update. My boyfriend came back from a weekend away saying he would get a divorce and we need to get a house and be a family after 5 years. He has Completed the divorce bit which was great but last week he decided to tell me he can't get a house together as he is too old to be getting a big mortgage (42) and he is financially better off as a single father. I'm devastated. I have put 110% In to this relationship over the past 5 years. I have gave him his key back and emptied my drawer. He says I'm the best and he loves me and u love him but can't live for the next 5 years seeing him once a week. Please tell me I'm doing he right thing. I hurt so much x
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (8 May 2014):
Hi, I can understand that being in your situation makes you very vulnerable. Seeing him once a week is frustrating for you and the mind games are so hard. You have to be strong and make a strong decision which will empower you. You tell him that unless he goes through with his divorce, then you will be ending the relationship. Seven years is a long time and five years for you is far far too long to be waiting. You tell him this and then just use your iron will to never go back on your decision. As previously said, NO action at all before the divorce. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 May 2014):
I would not get a mortgage with him.
I also would not sit around and wait for him to leave his wife... if he's not getting a divorce after 7 years separated then he's not serious about ending the marriage.
I will tell you that my first husband and I separated in 1989 but we agreed to stay married until 1991 for certain benefits I would acquire after that time. We did finally get a formal divorce in 1994 when he was ready to marry his current wife.
SAYING you are doing something or planning to do it is the first step.. actually doing it is the important part.
I personally would tell him "NO living together, NO dating and no MORTGAGE until I see the formal final divorce decree"
and move on as soon as you can. He's wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2014):
 You are not excited because deep down you realize that, what else could he say if he wants to get you back ? ... just what you want to hear. Would he be getting you back if he said " everything will stay just the same , I will stay married and I will see you onece a week ? ". No of course. He needs to promise changes, ... if then he is going to make the changes that he has not even considered for the last 5 years, that's all to be seen, - saying things and doing them are two different things.
I concur with the other ladies ,anyway- first things first :first he needs to be divorced. Then you may worry about mortgages ( although, I don't see why to be together you'd necessarily need to own joint property ?). The best moment for doing anything you have set your mind on doing is, RIGHT NOW. So, just give him the technical time to file for divorce, - and if he drags his feet or " difficulties " start cropping up ( and something tells me they will, most punctually... ) - cut him loose once for all .
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2014):
 DO NOT GET A MORTGAGE! His wife can claim 50%! NO NO NO NO NO that would be the absolute stupidest financial move you will ever make, and you *will* have to declare bankruptcy because your credit will be affected. Most mortgages consider a divorce an act of default even if her name isn't on it.
Break it off with this guy. He will never marry you. Cut your losses. Don't let the time you've spent with him make you think that you've put too much into it to leave, because he's wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): I agree with the anonymous poster - your b/f has only come up with this promise of a mortgage because he thinks you'll leave him otherwise. He's telling you whatever you want to hear to keep you in the relationship but only has flaky intentions of actually seeing them through.
And, I think you KNOW this, deep down, which is why you don't feel as excited as you thought you might. There's a little voice inside you telling you that you doubt his sincerity.
LISTEN to that voice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): Sorry, but sounds like he has no intention of ever divorcing his wife and so he is telling you what you want to hear in order to continue stringing you along because he knows you're lonely and desperate enough to lick up whatever crumbs he offers.
You would be very foolish to get a mortgage with a guy who is married to another woman as she could claim half his interest as hers and he could stop making payments and stick you with all his debts.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2014):
If he is still married getting a mortgage with him is the DUMBEST (sorry) thing you can do.
NO MORTGAGE til the divorce is final. And I strongly suggest that IF you two do NOT marry but share mortgage that you MAKE sure there is a PIECE of paper stating exactly how much each of you OWN in the house/the loan/debt.
IF you get a mortgage BEFORE the divorce, SHE IS entitled to PART of the house in the divorce. TALK to a solicitor before you get into ANY financial arrangement with this guy. (or any guy).
Take a deep breath and sort one problem out at the time. DIVORCE first.
THEN contact solicitor (on your own) and find out WHAT you need to protect your own assets.
Give yourself (and him) a set time to get stuff sorted out, if he doesn't pull through then MAYBE it's time to walk away from this mess.
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