A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25 and have never in my life had a girlfriend or even anything close. I'm not a virgin but might as well be. I've had sex a total of one time several years ago leaving me with almost no sexual experience and zero relationship experience in my mid 20s. I'm lost and feel like an outsider when it comes to this. Most of my friends are already married and the ones who aren't have been with their significant others for quite some time and are planning on getting married in the near future. It doesn't help either that I constantly have to listen to my roommate and his girlfriend have sex in his room. It's just another reminder of what I can't have. I'm told that I'm a friendly, good looking guy. I don't get it. What makes me so incapable of attracting a girl. I can talk to girls just fine. Anything beyond talking or a friendship seems to be out of the picture though. Why is something that is so easy for everyone else impossible for me. This has really taken a big bite out of my confidence. I used to think that it was just a matter of time and I would eventually find someone. Not sure I feel that way anymore. I guess it was just a lie I told myself to make me feel better. I'm missing out on experiencing relationships and sex and it's really starting to bother me. I'm surrounded by family and friends but feel lonely. Help?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 I still advocate he should be direct since his attempts at friendly talk hasn't lead him anywhere. The smoothness of the pick-up lines will come by itself after try and failure.
I just think it might be all too difficult to comprehend and remember if he was to try and follow instructions that change by the second depending on the girls response. Being direct leaves out no questions or uncertainty. Then again, that depends on how honest and direct of a person you are I suppose.
In Norway I have found it good to be direct. In the US I got picked up a few times by random men on the street, and got asked if I had a boyfriend. It's just a clear way to show your intent if you don't know any more subtle way.
There are positives and negatives to it though. If you ask, and she has a boyfriend, you can't flirt with her no more, but must stay friendly. If you don't ask, you can flirt away, even if she has a boyfriend, and it becomes her job to tell you. But for all you know, she might be in the process of breaking up with someone, which would make that question difficult for her to answer.
The ultimate positive about being direct and asking is that if she answers that she's single at the moment, yet smiles a bit at you, you need to immediately ask her out, and chances will be high she will say yes. If she says "no, I don't have a boyfriend, I hate men", and no smile, take it as a challenge and ask her to give you a chance to prove that men are good.
This became too much detail again... you just have to go with the flow and dare to take a few risks. I mean what do you have to loose?
Asking for a date (coffee, lunch etc) is also a clear indication that you want something romantic, just to take it to another level other than friendly conversation. And remember to always follow up, if she says yes to a date, take the relationship further on the next date, and further yet again on the third date. No need for kisses, but perhaps a hug, holding your arm around her if it gets cold give her your jacket, offer physical contact as you go on with the dates, taking one step closer by each date. Otherwise you will be stuck at friendship level.
The very best would be to get flirting advice from your buddies, they know your culture and area the best and will be able to tell what works the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Sorry Chi, Seems I'm going to contradict you again.
OP don't ask if a girl has a boyfriend and especially don't ask in a round about way if she has one. I don't know about Norway and America but being so forward here in Ireland can ruin your chances unless the girl is dazzled by your charm. It puts the girl on the spot, it's an immediate 'in your face' thing and from my experience of Ireland and Europe, you stand a better chance of success with subtlety.
I just asked my girlfriend why that is and she said it's for lots of reasons, firstly that it's almost announcing your intention too early to want to be her boyfriend, just by saying the word or implying it can freak some girls out, when they just thought they were having a friendly conversation, if you haven't gotten to the level of comfort that she will agree to go on a date then asking if she has boyfriend may close her off to that possibility, she may put her guard up before you've completely taken it down.
She said it's also a sign of inexperience or immaturity, something teenagers and sleaze bags say in nightclubs, without really properly wooing a girl. She said the amount of times a girl gets asked that on a night out and by drunken sleazy guys they've just met is a put off. It's pretty much the first thing the drunken sleazes ask, while staring at her tits, when they see a girl they like and they associate it with that.
She said it's okay to ask if the woman is twirling her hair like a schoolgirl, looking at you doe eyed and laughing at all your jokes even when you haven't told any. But it's better not to ask that. She said it's kind of cool meeting a guy who's trying to chat you up and doesn't care whether you have a boyfriend or not, he wants you anyway (not after he's been told obviously).
She said though to forget everything she's just said and everything you read in reply to your question. You're thinking too much, it's best to stop thinking and just go try it on and base everything on instinct, you'll get the hang of it. She thinks your main problem is over-thinking and over-analyzing everything. If your standing there in front of a woman planning your next move then she can tell and it's too hard to act natural that way. Just go for it, don't think, just do. You'll make mistakes but you just laugh it off. But most of all do it for the fun, nothing more, not because your lonely or want to lose your cherry, just because you want to have bit of fun. That way even being rejected won't bother you because you're only in it for the game. And every time you attempt a chat up you learn something new, that way even rejection can be counted as success.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 May 2011):
I don't love the fact that you believe I assume anything about you. Do you usually carry this negative attitude? Do you often interpret words and make them negative and as if they were aimed to attack you?
What I said was never any assumption of you. You didn't mention anything about yourself, and instead of giving you unhelpful advice if such was the case, I wanted to make sure you knew what the average standard it. Some are oblivious to it, and that is not an insult. How do you expect me to know what you do or look like from an online post? If you aren't any of what I listed then that was the good part, didn't I also say that? That as long as you do not drink excessively, smoke, sit at home all day etc, then you can go on to "go out and hunt her down". Instead of taking it as an insult you should be going through the list and happily check clear of everything, and know that you're a decent guy with every chance of catching a lady.
You lack experience, and the only thing to do then is to gain experience. Which means you will just have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation that you are not used to and try it out. You might end up with a horrible date or five, but after a relatively short while you'll have picked up on what to do or not, and how to proceed. Since you are a beginner at this game, the very best is to be honest and straight forward until you know any better techniques. Such as when you see a beautiful lady and you talk to her in a friendly way, let her know you think she is beautiful, and then if she appreciates the complement ask her on a date. When you ask someone on a date you don't say "do you want to go on a date". You ask them to some sort of activity that you enjoy, or think they might enjoy. A popular choice is "do you want to have a cup of coffee?" or "do you want to have lunch with me" or dinner etc. Coffee or something that offers a shorter meet-up with opportunities for escape should she turn out to be a monster, is the best first date. For second or third date you can do something that lasts longer but is fun, depending on your likes and her likes. Such as bowling or mini-golf, if you're the casual fun-loving type, drinks or dancing is another example, or going to an art gallery, or even a sports game together if you're both sport fans. Just make sure you let her know you are interested in her as a potential girlfriend. You do so by asking her "are you seeing anyone?" or if you want to be more discrete "how is your boyfriend doing?" to which she might reply she doesn't have one.
Try not to be so negative though, nothing was said as an assumption of who you are.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 May 2011):
 When was the last time you asked a girl on a date? And how did you go about it?
There's nothing desperate about letting a girl know you think she's cute and attractive and would like go out on a date. Desperate is being so afraid of rejection that you can't actually form the words. Or collapsing in a heap if she says 'not interested.'
Your first post was mostly written in the passive tense. There was no sense of you doing anything to help yourself. You sounded like a victim of inertia and fear. I too got the sense of someone stuck at home, stuck in negative thinking and actually immobile in a way.
So you're a policeman and in shape. Shy? Nervous?
If you're waiting for someone to ask you out, then you have to signal that you are really ready to date them. If you want to go on a date, it's easier to ask someone out.
"Hey, I like you, I think you are fun and attractive, let's go find a great barbeque joint and see if we have any chemistry."
If you are moderately attractive and smell good, you should get at least one out of 10 available women agreeing to go to eat a meal with you. You aren't asking them to sleep with you or marry you. Just go grab some food.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Okay wow, nobody assumed anything OP, nobody was implying anything about you. We were just listing out things that you asked us about. We gave you our general opinions, we didn't list them because we think you are those things. No need to be touchy or twist what we say into a negative reflection on you.
"Confidence comes from experience" Exactly, so the answer is simple. Go get experience OP. Negative experience is just as good, as long as you learn from that.
"How am I supposed to pursue someone and make my intentions overt without looking desperate?"
Trial and error OP, it's actually fairly easy. When I like a girl there's a few things I do. If she's a stranger then I will look at her, if my eyes meet hers I will smile, if she smiles back I'll go over to her and start talking to her. That immediately signals my intentions.
If she doesn't look back or doesn't see me then I approach her anyway and introduce myself, ask her how she's doing then I just get talking to her. If we get along, then I'll flirt a little, pay her a couple of minor compliments, touch her arm when I'm talking to her, make a few jokes, try and have a bit of fun and then if I like her, I ask her if she'd like to meet up sometime and ask for her number. Simple as that.
If she's not a stranger and I kind of know her then I skip the initial conversation, I go to her and try and to talk to her a bit longer, I will flirt a little, pay attention to her listen, make lots of eye contact and test her comfort levels with a bit of light touching and maybe a few compliments.
OP it's not hard to signal intentions and you won't learn what does and does not work unless you go out there and do it, unless you're willing to try and fail then you'll never succeed.
"How am I supposed to be sociable without being friendly?" You do have to be friendly OP, but you just have to up it a level into flirting and show interest. Not just a friendly chat and then see you later.
"just be yourself." Means be you, but be willing to put yourself out there and take a risk. OP confidence isn't a concrete personality trait, it's not something you are, it's not something that defines you, it;s a learned thing and it can come and go. The only way you're truly going to figure out all this stuff is to try, try and keep on trying. Never feel bad about rejection, learn the lessons from that, know that not every woman will like you and then on to the next one.
It gets easier, but you have to do it. It's never too late to learn.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love how just because I say that I have no experience with girls and dating it's assumed that I'm overweight, spend all my time sitting behind my computer, have no friends, poor hygiene, overgrown hair, smoke like a chimney and or drink like a fish. On top of it all I'm apparently a feminine doormat. Does anyone else wish to assume that I'm also uneducated and unemployed living at home in my parents' basement?If you wanted to know about me all that was needed was to ask. No need to assume that I'm some worst case scenario failure. I'm 25 years old, 5'9" and weigh in at 145 pounds. I keep my hair pretty short as I'm used to the high and tight cuts from my years in the Air Force. I shower every day and rarely wear anything more than once before washing it. I don't smoke and find nothing attractive about it. I'll go out and have a few beers with my friends but don't find getting drunk enjoyable at all. I also have a college degree and haven't lived at home for quite a few years.Contrary to popular belief you can be confident in one area of life and not in another. I'm confident working as a cop, but would be completely lost if I had to do brain surgery (kind of an extreme example but you get the picture.) Same holds true when I'm around a girl I'm attracted to. Confidence comes from experience. Seeing as I don't have any positive experience in that department it's not hard to see why I don't have much confidence with girls. I become really shy when put into situations like this. And since when does friendly translate into doormat?There's so much contradicting advice out there. How am I supposed to pursue someone and make my intentions overt without looking desperate? How am I supposed to be sociable without being friendly? Here's my favorite; "just be yourself." Being myself obviously isn't working, otherwise I wouldn't be looking for advice. I'm not sure I even know how to flirt, though I try my best at it. Even if I could get a date I don't even know how to date someone. I'm not behind the learning curve, I missed it all together when I was younger. I'm lost.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): That's true chigirl. A well presented man who takes care of himself is definitely a requirement, if you can't take care of yourself then you can't take care of anyone else. I was just pointing at that attitude is what is important.
In my experience it's the guys that try the least to impress women are the most attractive to them.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 May 2011):
Ah, Cerberus, I get your point, but when I talked about being clean I didn't mean you have to shower every day. If you look like a hobo or a bum that collects bottles with all your teeth knocked out it is no wonder you don't attract a lady.
I was just making sure that the very basic needs of a woman is covered, the general up-keeping of hygiene. Some men walk in the same shirt for over a week for instance.
If you stink, or reek, you repel women, unless you have a doctors note saying you just can not help your BO.
If you on the other hand are a very normal man who has a good normal routine for hygiene and dresses up normally and not in thongs or clothes that are too small or anything really freaky... relax. You will do just fine. But if you look like a loony... not so good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): "What makes me so incapable of attracting a girl." Are you really a man? Because that's a very feminine attitude right there.
Dude it's women that have to get dressed up, put on makeup, and stand there looking pretty, not us.
We don't attract girls, we take them. They're the ones who have to do the attracting, we're the ones who have to do the taking, that's how it works the majority of the time and that's what the majority of women want us to do.
A friendly chat is great if you want to be someones friend, if you want to be romantic with a girl then you have to make that happen. It doesn't just happen on its own and if you don't show overt, but subtle romantic interest in a girl then she's not going to return that.
Honestly man, as much as I respect ChiGirl most of that she said is not necessary at all. She's listing out all her turn offs really but she's only one woman, there are so many different women out there with lots of tastes. All the things she listed will improve your chances but you don't need them. I mean clean, well groomed, nice clothes and fresh breath seem to be universal requirement. But you know what? Attitude is far more important. For some reason I attract far more women when I'm out and I'm not dressed up, I haven't shaven in a few days, I haven't even showered yet that day, and I went out for a quick few pints with my friends with absolutely no intention of getting a girl. There's just something about that attitude that draws women in. I mean I never get so much attention from girls as when I have a girlfriend. When I'm single and I'm out looking for women it can be tough but when I'm spoken for and don't even notice women they fall at my feet. My point is there are no requirements other than your attitude. You can be a filthy stinky mess but with the right attitude women will just be drawn to you. Plus there are lots of women that get ravenous at the sight of a rough looking man.
You still have to make the effort though OP, you still have to be the man in the situation, you still have to club them across the head and drag them back to your cave, figuratively speaking of course.
You want to know what woman want? Well chigirl said it best "You're young, you've got plenty of time to meet a lady, but you have got to put in some effort and work at it! She's not going to land on your head unless you are willing to accept whatever drops from the sky, and so far that is very little.
Go out, hunt her down."
They want a hunter, a guy who will pursue them, a guy who doesn't have any doubts about himself nor that he will be successful. Most of all though OP they want a guy who doesn't give a shit what women want in a guy, they want a guy who always just assumes he has it. Seriously I used to feel like you, I used to try and discover what women wanted by asking them. It was only when I realized what women want and who they actually date are very different things and no offence to the ladies but they're advice is largely useless because it works completely different for us. Waiting for that special someone, hoping, dreaming, standing there looking pretty hoping to attract people is not what works for us.
Check out the answer from Odds on this link, he said it the best way I've heard it put, and it's from a male perspective, it's all well and good listening to women and what they want in a guy but I think you'll find that most women date guys who don't have those things.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/whats-the-secret-to-attracting-a-woman.html
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 What do you exactly mean by " attracting girls " ?
Because, you know, sitting at a bar nursing your Martini and waiting for the girls to flock at you only works for James Bond. If you are not him, you'va gotta be proactive. Approach them, flirt with them, ask them out, take them on dates, make the first move.
You say you have no problem talking to girls, and that's a good thing- but there's talking and talking. If you want more than friendly exchanges and neutral conversation, you've got to convey that somehow, more or less openly according to the girl and situation. You've gotta show your interest, and you've gotta be open to risk rejection.
Why not ? Everybody gets rejected sooner or later, it's not like catching the pox. It's a game of numbers - I remember a classmate of mine , a rather average guy in his early 20's who said he had had around 60 sex partners - and added very honestly " and I have asked around 600 women ".
Also, don't try so hard. Let it happen, 25 is not late at all, and if your friends are so in rush of settling down , that's their problem- where I live, THEY would be the weird ones. If you let yourself get obsessed with the " I am all alone , nobody wants me "trip it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, you'll send out desperate , anxious vibes, that's not attractive.
Become an interesting person with an interesting life, and women will take an interest in you. You don't need to become a tycoon or a rockstar, just a normal guy with his own passions, hobbies, interests, personal opinion and distinctive tastes ; the rest will follow.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 May 2011):
Be realistic first, about yourself. Are you overweight? Do you need a haircut? Do you have good hygiene and wear clean clothes? These little things here and there are important to attracting a girl, so before we continue, you need to make sure you have all of this in order. You need to be well groomed and take care of yourself! Get out, get some fresh air, do a sport and be active, eat healthy and take care of your body.
Do you smoke, drink, use drugs, sit online gaming the entire day? These are all negative traits that could make a girl look elsewhere when she is looking for a partner.
Got all of that covered as well? A casual drink here and there isn't a problem just so you know, neither is an hour of gaming every day. But if you have anything at all that you do excessively, that could be a red flag for any girl when you are up for evaluation in her mind.
Next step, do you flirt? You can't ever get a girlfriend if all you do is sit around waiting for her to make the move. Or when she does make the move you are so inexperienced in flirting that you turn her down without even knowing it. The only way to fix this is to FLIRT. You have got to put yourself out there and take some chances, say something cheesy or corny, and in time you will pick up skills in flirting and things will flow better.
If you actually are nice, friendly, and don't have bad habits, take care of yourself and look ok, then you will have girls who will be interested in you. Remember to say yes and be open for the idea that the girls you meet could potentially want more than friendship, so do not turn them down. Be a "yes"-man that goes along with things.
Don't look too much at your friends who are getting married. That just adds pressure. It might be a culture thing, but by world standards, being single at 25 isn't a big whoop. You're young, you've got plenty of time to meet a lady, but you have got to put in some effort and work at it! She's not going to land on your head unless you are willing to accept whatever drops from the sky, and so far that is very little.
Go out, hunt her down.
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A
male
reader, whattodoabouther +, writes (5 May 2011):
Dude stop being the friendly guy. Women want intruige and mystery. Women want confidence and strength. Be a man of confidence and strength. Don't listen to their problems. They are their problems. Don't be available all the time. Don't try so hard. I am 33 and have been there SOOOO many times in my life. I was RIGHT where you are at 25. Live YOUR life. Do what makes YOU happy. Step up to the plate and show value to the women. Thats what they want and portray more of a value then friends cuz thats where it starts. Women decide in the first 3 minutes what their plan for you is. Don't be their plan. If you show that you are available all the time then you fall out of interest. If you stop showing interest in them they will up their response to get your interest back. The higher the cost or status on your end, the higher the fee to get your interest back. Its a bull $hit game that us men have to play or get left behind. Sucks but its working. I wish you the best
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A
female
reader, hope_i_could_help  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Maybe pay attention to yourself first more than the girls you need to attract. You need to love yourself more and everything will follow. Build up some confidence and don't think that you can not attract girls, just wait a little longer and I know, you'll see her the when the right time comes. As you said, it's just a matter of time, you just need to wait long.
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