A
female
age
41-50,
*hanib
writes:What makes a man become violent in a relationship? my partner became that way towards me when our daughter was 2. It started with pushing and then one day we argued and he pushed me to the floor put his foot on my head leaving his boot inprint and spitting in my face. I forgave him mainly because of the shock. It did however escalate by him hitting me and giving me a black eye and stitches. He was sent to prison and seems remorseful. I have however woundered WHY? Is it possible he has had other past reletionship where he was like this or is it just me. Does your childhood contribute to this as he dad was a womeniser. Does he have of these trates and is he possibly the same but in a more violent way?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): my mum has been in several abusive relationships and she states that one of the problems is not walking away after the first time it happens ... as that is like permission for him to do it again and again and again. I'm not saying its your fault but basically, if anything like this ever happens to you again ... get out that door, do not allow even one chance for a second time to occur. I don't know why people become abusive but with my mum's experience, i don't stop to ask why ... i run like hell away.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): I agree. There must have been abuse from his past to trigger it in his adult life. I'm dealing with the same thing with my husband. He was abused by his father as a child and it surfaced 6 years into our relationship. I never thought he would be the type to act that way either, but it came about. The other circumstances might have stemmed from something in your life being out of control...and he acted out to attempt to control the situation or something in his life. It probably also surfaced when he had a lower self-esteem, or when his "manhood" felt threatened.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): Dear lady,some of this is GOD gifted. Man like physical power and t hat is some thing in the genes. This is how male creatures of all species are. ( not only human ). So physical show comes as natural to Man. But most likely it is controlled unless some one his male ego substantially. The compensation GOD has given is that Man is less emotional as compared to females. So very often, he will absorb the issues and be silent. His reaction will be physical when his anger gets to extreme. This is same like why women cries on drop of the pin itself. you can not take away this feature from women.Man will not nag and will not keep murmuring like most of the wives around the world. by saying above, i am not commending the man, but this is how world is. Man and women have been made complementary to each other. It is never one against the other. the same man will never go against his MOM and completely tamed when his mother is with him. He may not even utter a word ( most of the Man ). So do not break your head on this topic. once a while all that is fine and forgive and forget is best policy.
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A
male
reader, seneca +, writes (29 June 2010):
There are two basic causes for male violence towards women/families.
One is upbringing. If he saw his own father behave in this way, he sees this as being masculine. If he was commonly hit as a child (by father or mother) he learns this is the way to behave. If he was badly knocked about frequently by elder brothers and not defended by mother or father, violence and frustration may become ingrained in his character.
The other is genetic. A violent personality can be inherited even if the violent parent plays no part in the early upbringing.
The violent trait is triggered in later life by situations involving anger, frustration or alcohol.
I've seen it in a couple of acquaintances and even in a fringe of my extended family, in an apparently friendly, life-and-soul-of-the-party, loving husband and father. I could not believe it when I first found out about him, about what went on behind closed doors. Had he not died early of a heart attack, I am sure he would have killed someone.
It's frightening.
For me, I don't believe treatment or counselling works. I think those who suffer under it should just get out and as far away as possible, whatever the cost. I know that the abused wives often hang in there to protect the children and because they do not see how they can survive financially on their own, but they are wrong. Children from such households suffer for the rest of their lives.
What I have never understood are the women who, even without children, stay in abusive relationships and even defend their husbands if criticised. They are a real mystery. Why?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 June 2010):
Every single one of those problems will have had something to do with his relationship with his father. A person's childhood is where they learn nearly all their behaviour. It is very rare that someone becomes violent due to their adulthood. It's usually linked to the childhood. His father was a womaniser, and treated women badly. Therefore, your husband did that, and it's more than likely it happened with another woman as well. Whatever you do, DO NOT take him back, and DO NOT BELIEVE HE IS REMORSEFUL. He is a violent man, and will say whatever it takes to get back into your life so he can treat you this way again. He is not worth any more of your time. And even if he was remorseful, would he be worth it? After all, you don't want to leave your child effectively orphaned. But yes, this will be linked directly to his own father.
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