A
male
age
51-59,
*asyEK
writes:Hey all there. I' coming again with an additional question. My wife cheated on me and I want to thank all the persons who gave me quite helpful advice. You can see my earlier question onhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-and-mother-of-my-child-admitted.htmlThe reason I am asking this time - IF your wife cheats on you and confesses to it, is it important that she tells you the details of her affair? (Would you be interested to know WHO did she cheat on you with, WHEN it started, HOW many times they have had sex etc, was sex enjoyable or not?). Please advise
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male
reader, Athaliaorg  +, writes (16 February 2008):
I am what they call a shrink". This is what I do proffessionally, sitting down and talking to people daily about issues that are burining in their minds usually due to fear of the unknown or un asked. From a proffessional level I will urge you to ask for the details. Draft a list of everything you want to know and give it to her to read one by one and answer you. It is important that you do this in one sitting. What will automatically happen is you and your partner will go through the PAIN and the HURT together as she shares the details with you. Since the LADY and not the man is the cheater in this case I strongly advise you to be gentle and give her time. The best way to start te whole thing is to let her know that you want to set aside a date to really talk about stuff, thus giving her time to prepare herself emtotionally. Promise and Swear to her that no matter what she tells you YOU WILL FORGIVE HER, all you want is the final truth so that as soon as that meeting ends you will walk away from it burden free. I also encourage the men to set the ball rolling by giving away a secret themselves, so that it becomes an "opening up to each other" meeting not a "YOU CHEATED ON ME" meeting. Tell something serious that you have never told her it doesnt have to be about cheating , it can just be something embarassing, or even how you hd a serious crush on another woman etc. As a man even in this situation, take it from me if you ever take a position that attacks your woman you will loose her. Women want to feel safe and protected even if they make the worst mistake ever never forget This. If you listen very carefully to everything she tells you do not be surprised to find out that it was partly your fault too. Women are not mentally designed to cheat, they are however mentally structured to desire real men that value and give them "special" attention! This does not make them immoral or low, it just makes them women. Most men find it difficult to see women as human beings, they just see them as "beautiful, sexy, classy, loving etc". This is where the mistake all unfolds guys. Because you begin to shape your "love" for those attributes and forget to love the human in her. Always remember that behind that beauty and those gentle eyes lives a human being with human desires and very human feelings and thoughts. She wants to have fun, she wants to have lots of fun and good sex, not boring and plain. She wants the movie type kisses and she wants you to smell good, to look hot and to have style and class. The moment you fail in this area she will cheat, trust me. Women fall in love with ideas and fantasies. it is wired into them from the time they are girls. They see daddy sa a hero, and will expect you to be a hero. Daddy can do all things so you should be able to a lot of things! I talk too much because I get paid £200 per hour to talk so I apologise. I have tried my best to fold a 2 hour session into this one page, but I hope it helps. Remember it is easy to love and have the perfect relationship! ALL you need to do is be your self, let her in guys. let her get to know you the crazy you, the manly you, the stupid and the smart etc. That way she will know who to love and how to love you! The problem is guys dont want to let their women into their hearts and minds but will expect the woman to know how to make him really laugh and be happy. She wont. And have good sex guys, not plain. Surprise her, have sex in the car, in the office, in the kitchen. GET RID OF THE KIDS in a very obvious and suggestive manner. Buy her new underwear [the kind that you want to see her in]. The point is make her feel HOT as much as you can. And then pay attention to her emotions, at school i always used to get the girls because while all the cool boys where busy talking all I did was sit and listen to the girls. this principle will work through out her life. My friend as I pen off I have only one thing to asure you of, If you play your cards right and protect you woman from the guilt of her mistake You Will Suddenly Find that she has grown into a better woman than she was before, simply because she knows you love her enough to hurt yourself deeply just to keep her. After the long talk make love to your woman for as long as you can , make it count bro! kiss her every where and do what ever you can creatively think of, and then the next day buy her new clothes especially underware, and something very expensive [what you can afford]. Aggrrr... the point is love is about moments, create moments that will become good memories and thoughts in her mind. because the events she remembers each time she thinks about you determine how she feels and thinks about you. Okay okay okay I am gone. I give free advice every weekend so you can email me at [email address blocked] ha ha ha I love my Job!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): I have been where you are now. I wanted all the details and in some ways it hurt more at that moment, but overall I think it helped. I am still struggling with it, (been 5 months now) but take it day by day. One thing that I had to know, did she use protection. You can ask the "why" questions all day, but you have to have faith that what she was feeling then is not what she feels now. The more important question I found was "How do we make sure this never happens again?" What ever you do, get all your questions out now, do not drag it out over months. This will only create stress and friction between you. The hardest part for me was dealing with the fact that someone I trusted completley could intentionaly hurt me. But trust can and will be earned back in time. As my consoler said, this can be a stronger happier marriage afterwards, as long as you both want to work at it. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (1 February 2008):
 The person who has to get over this is you. Nobody else. And it is very important that you do get over it. Not bury it. There is no logic to why we handle certain situations in certain ways. We are human. If you feel you need the details, then you need the details. Simple as that. Your partner is the one who cheated. If she wants to rebuild things then she has to go along with your needs.
Some people need to know the what/why/where/how. That's OK. Then ask away. Because for someone that needs to know, the healing process will occur through a range of factors, all stemming from the process of asking questions of your partner. There is an empty vacuum of puzzlement in your mind. An aspect of your partner appeared that wasn't there before. Part of loving someone is knowing them intimately. You will have a need to find out about that new aspect that appeared without your knowledge. Even though you know this will be unbelievably painful, your love is greater, and you are prepared to go through the pain, so that you can, once again, complete your knowledge of your partner and love wholeheartedly again. You are going to hurt so much by going through this. But I suspect, if you love her, you have no choice. She needs to see your pain, to realise what she did and remind herself how much you love her. So, as you squirm and twist, tell her what's going on inside you.
Another reason for wanting to ask is secrets, or rather absence of secrets. Right now there has been an episode in your partners life that is secret. That hasn't been shared with you. Before this happened you presumably shared many things with her. But now there is a secret. If you two are to engage again with each other then she needs to open up her box of secrets. This will help take away the fear of it happening again.
The final reason is that you will feel she is returning to you , by sharing it with you and being honest. Deep down you may also be treating this as a test on her. If you feel she can be honest with you, then the damage can be repaired, and you have a chance of a new future. If she continues to lie or deceive or even mislead, then you are not going to get over it. You will need total honesty from her.
If you are offering her another chance, then you have the right to ask for open and honest information in return. If she doesn't want to co-operate then your inner peace will never be restored. All the questions you mention in your post are valid. And more, Much more.
So, to answer your question, YES, it is important she tells you the details. I suspect you have no choice though, you have to do this to get through it.
Take care, Richard
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 I think that it is a very normal thing to be curious about the details, but I also think that it can become incredibly unhealthy and obsessive. Those details can wound and leave scars. Is that what you really want to do if you are putting your marriage back together? It's really a Pandora's Box, once you open it, it's out there forever, so I would really try to resist asking for the smaller details. I'd concentrate on the big picture instead. Have you tried using a therapist or marriage counselor to get past the road bumps? He or she may have some good advice on getting past this.
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A
female
reader, Manya  +, writes (1 February 2008):
I think it depends on the individual situation. Not only, could You handle it? (as Troubletoomuch wrote), but can your marriage bear right now?If things are tender and/or sensitive, it might be better to eschew the details, and concentrate on YOUR togetherness. Personally, I wouldn't want to know the details because they can haunt you. Sometimes details leak out little by little, like if sheheld you differently. Then you might want to talk or say something,if you are thinking it strongly, better to say it out, but perhaps if you can,just let it pass and get on with NOW. Forgive and forget may be the answer!!!!! Maybe best to just go on your feelings of the moment. Best of luck!!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Maybe I wouldn't want the very small details of when they slept, what they did, etcetera. But I would want to know all the details necessary for me to understand what went on, and what went wrong. Only in that way can you really react the way the situation demands.
Bear this in mind: that hurts.
Sometimes you won't get that from the person who cheated, because, naturally, they don't feel comfortable saying what they did.
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A
female
reader, bee12  +, writes (1 February 2008):
If it was me, I'd want to know who it was and how long its been going on, i dont think i'd want to know the details of the sex they had but it depends on the person, but asking questions will only mean you'll get hurt more so you need to be prepared for that. If you dont get answers now you'll always be wondering! good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): My wife and I have never cheated on each other, but we have discussed the details of our past relationships and it has helped our feelings about each other. It has helped us know that we have had better sex together than with others. However, it the sex with others was better than what we have then it may have been a bad idea to talk about it. To actually answer your question, I would want tho know the details and talk to her about her feelings at the time, like: Why did you do it? How long did it go on? How many times? How did it get started? Did you feel any guilt during or after? Do you think you could ever do it again? Was it because sex with me was lacking? Was he better sexually and can you help me be better from what you learned? My wife and I have tried different things because of what we had learned from others and it has made our sex a little better.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Will it do any good?She confess she cheated.Period! The less you know those sordid details ,the better it is for you.The more you know about those details, you will only have more agonies and nightmares.
Don't torture youself.Best to forgive and forget and move on.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (1 February 2008):
 If I got cheated on, I would want to know who and when it started and how long for. But couldn't stomach if he enjoyed it or not stuff.
If it's better for you to get it all out in the open, then ask her. But it may make it worse
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Personally, i would like to know ALL the details.
This has happened to me twice before with guys i was dating.
The first time it happened, it hurt a lot, but i was able to deal with everything faster, because he told me the WHOLE story.
The second time it happened, i didn't want to hear the details, and it took me months and months to get over it.
I think it is a personal choice. Knowing the details might help you, or it might hurt you even more.
Ask yourself the question. Can you handle the truth? If you can, without feeling insecure, then ask away. Remember, your wife's affair had nothing to do with you. SHE decided to cheat. If she wanted to be 'neglected' less, she should have spoken up.
Good luck.
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