A
female
age
,
*ourdesM
writes:I have been seeing a guy for the last couple of years. The connection seemed to be undeniable. He committed to me giving me an expensive piece of jewelry. We connected on FB. After little time, I realized that the immense majority of his friends were women. I had just entered his life so I just accepted it as being co-workers, past and present. His "likes" were ditto.....all very attractive scantilly dressed women. Then in no time, he continued adding more and more women. It soon became obvious to me that they were not friends but women he'd scout out on FB and requested friendship. I found it inappropriate and asked him to unfriend these type of women which he agreed to do after several days and quite a bit of resistance. While we were both looking at his FB, I realized he had liked a porn site. He explained that he must haveleft his computer open and walked away and someone else was responsible for adding this site. Of course, I did not buy that. The other problem......he gets together for lunch with PAST women co-workers. While an occasional lunch may seem harmless, he also continues sending them flowers and gifts. I didn't much like that he did this because I do not know these women and takes tme away from us. After telling me he was committed to me, he said he wouldn't go out with these women again. I found out just yesterday that he has. And again to make matters worse he friended yet another unknown women. He said it was by mistake so I asked him to show me whatever conversation they had because I just didn't believe him and the messages showed some interaction with him being the first to send a message. All he did was deny so I asked him to click on the friend requests sent and a list of other women that he had sent friend requests to and wasn't expecting me to see popped up. No doubt he lied about the the so-called mistake and have been realizing that he's lied to me about this and also gifts that he has been sending to his women co-workers including flowers. To make a yet longer story short, I have found out he has been lying about a lot of things. When I confronted him especially about all the women on FB, his reply was that he had a character flaw and I should accept him as he is and be there to help him when he strays!!!! I have put up with quite a bit of his shananingans for the last couple years to only get back with him each time because of my feelings for him. Just what kind of man is this? He's been telling me all along that there is no one but me but when another pretty face shows up, he isn't strong enough to do the right thing. He's given me expensive gifts over time and all I can think is that I have been the only women he's been able to hang on to hence the gifts to hold on to something. Needless to say, this time around I have ended it. What is wrong with men like these? I have been in tears before and he would walk away and explain later on that he didn't stay because he didn't know what to do. Yet, I have always been there through whatever difficulty he has had. He most certainly is a pathological lyer but to deceive and hurt a woman so deeply as he has me.......just what is the profile of a man like that?
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female
reader, LourdesM +, writes (24 September 2014):
LourdesM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI read a post that really hit home. "What do I do with the expensive gifts he gave me?" In my case, I returned the last couple gifts that he gave me by merely putting them on his desk and walking out. He never said anything other than by e-mail to say that he wanted me to take them back but I never brought up the subject again and neither did he probably knowing that I would not accept them. I still have the most expensive piece of jewelry that he gave me which he refused to take back and I had no occasion to put it on his desk unnoticed by him or others. His work area is across the hall. What do I do without having to address it again with him? I think it's possible that he is with someone else now.
A
female
reader, LourdesM +, writes (18 July 2014):
LourdesM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Mark. Putting my thoughts into writing and seeing logical responses puts things into perspective and eliminates doubt. It really does help. I will do just that. Still unbelievable to me that someone who professes to love you and to be committed would consider it reasonable to continue seeing single past women co-workers for lunches/dinners and send them gifts while asking you to accept it!! There was a time when I thought that I may have been part of the problem but when you couple this with the FB women and the dishonesty, the picture becomes much clearer. I can see that he is having trouble letting go but then again, I can't make it my problem so.......I'd rather go with the self-respect.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (18 July 2014):
 DONT respond. Ignore him completely. Any response will feed his appetite further. Don't try to rationalize, persuade, discuss or communicate in anyway, shape or form.
Block his emails, or change your email address. Speak to your employer and tell them that he is stalking you at work. The will take it seriously and make sure he doesn't keep coming to your office harassing you.
Mark
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A
female
reader, LourdesM +, writes (18 July 2014):
LourdesM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, believe it or not after making myself clear, he's still trying. Makes any excuse to come into my office 2-3 times a day. I know this guy won't change......no doubt about it. I believe he's the type of character who thinks he's entitled to anything he wants. He has sent me e-mails and the last stated that he wished I was with him. Would it be advisable to respond to his e-mail? I thought about telling him that his choices were crystal clear and based on these I have made mine..... OR, just ignore? Seriously, I don't know what makes this guy tick.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (3 June 2014):
You just need to get rid, nothing more, nothing less. Its not actually that hard to get someone out of your life ;-)
This is guy is like a verruca - he will keep coming back until being removed! And as with any unwanted attachment, warts, ingrowing toe nails, players or dick heads, its better to go through the pain of having them removed as You will be glad you did in the long run.
Mark
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A
female
reader, LourdesM +, writes (3 June 2014):
LourdesM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Mark. Thank you so very much!! You seem like you can be a very good friend!
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (2 June 2014):
He can only break you down if you let him. Clearly your co-worker has basically said that he has a reputation - we have all come across his type.
You need to block him. Simple. Stop responding to him. Otherwise he will break you down.
Mark
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A
female
reader, LourdesM +, writes (2 June 2014):
LourdesM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: He wants to try again with the condition that he see past women co-workers. He explains that they are people he has mentored and cares about but loves me. He would like to catch up with them now and then to see how they are doing. Because I still have my down moments and unfortunately sometimes still feel the hurt, I've expressed the pain he has caused me. Probably a mistake – I think this has just given him more ammunition to use on my vulnerability. My thoughts are that he believes I am going to take him back at some point as before. I have good and bad days but know that I will not give in. He obviously does not remember that it's more than just past women co-workers but the ones he friended on FB and his pathological lying. He called me today and I cut the conversation short telling him that we are, in fact, incompatible and that there was nothing left to say. All he said was...... OK (the voice tone smug) and immediately said bye. I think he's trying to break me down so that he can have his cake and eat it too once again. I was speaking to a co-worker who was bringing up questionable people and lo and behold, his name came up as being a skirt chaser. Seems almost like divine intervention confirming who this man is and telling me to stay strong. It made me feel so much better to know that it’s not just me and that it’s a reasonable thing for me to expect him not to see other women. Whatever it is, it opened my eyes just a little wider. Another tidbit is that the women co-workers he chooses to see are always young, beautiful women. It’s never with someone who is average in looks. Early on, his explanation for friending women on FB was because he had a weakness for beautiful women. Why I didn’t run the other way when I heard this, I don’t know. Thanks for listening. It does help to know that I am not alone.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (26 May 2014):
Oh dear - sounds like this guy is one of these men who finds out a woman's birthday, sends a card/gift and then offers more gifts and hopes you will give him a "gift", ahem, in return.
"When he tried to solidify the relationship, he asked that I select a piece of jewelry and referred me to a cheap website while at the same time talking about some sex act."
Hmm not exactly classy!! How insulting.
"every year on her birthday he'd show up to wish her a happy birthday. He also had given her candy the previous Xmas"
And he would have done the same to lord knows how many other women too!
"He told me that he did not date until much older and that his mother was his best friend."
He sounds like one of those guys who grew up as an insecure, mummies boy. No girlfriend, virgin till late on, unable to cope without his mom holding his hand. I used to work with a guy like that. He wanted sex and was unable to chat up a woman the normal way so he would buy women shoes at random. He would see a woman regularly on the train, whom he had never even spoken to, and say "heres some sexy shoes, I do hope they are your size?" and act surprised when they biffed him round the ear 'ole! Then he progressed to looking up womens birthdays at work so he could buy them a card and gift in the hope one of them would take pity on him enough to go alone with it.
Whatever the cause he is best avoided. He is trying to buy love/sex or whatever it is he is after. Never let a man buy you like that. Gifts are fine within reason and within a committed relationship, trying to entice you with gifts is naff and dodgy.
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A
female
reader, LourdesM +, writes (26 May 2014):
LourdesM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso for the record...... I will be returning his gifts particularly the piece of jewelry which serves for nothing but bad memories. Thank you all for your thoughts. I find it very therapeutic. In the past when we had disagreements, some of our communication was through email and I would be glued to it looking for responses and answers to my questions. I'm happy to report that my e-mail to him on Friday was my last wishing him adios! I have not looked for responses from him but did see a reply this morning. I did not open it because truthfully I am not interested in anything he has to say. I am so relieved that I have reached this stage!
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A
female
reader, LourdesM +, writes (26 May 2014):
LourdesM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know he was actually cheap and crude at first, his crudeness especially was one the reasons I wanted to walk away but was difficult because I was falling in love. There were times that he seemed genuine. When he tried to solidify the relationship, he asked that I select a piece of jewelry and referred me to a cheap website while at the same time talking about some sex act. I'm pretty old school and felt insulted. This was the first time I told him to forget it and tried to walk away. After this he kept talking about pieces that he had seen that had my name on them but seemed to be all talk and by then I was totally disinterested. I asked him to stop and it was after this that he started giving me the expensive gifts.To some extent he may have insecurities. He told me that he did not date until much older and that his mother was his best friend. I don't know what to make of this but have some suspicions.How he first approached me was by giving me a card on my birthday. I was amazed that he even knew that it was my birthday and asked him how he knew. Apparently our company Outlook had everyone's birth month and day posted in a box labelled "city". Obviously some glitch but apparently had been there a long time. Again, I thought it was just me until a very provocative co-worker saw him coming out of my office and came in to ask me who he was because every year on her birthday he'd show up to wish her a happy birthday. He also had given her candy the previous Xmas. This was my first red flag. It should have been my last.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (26 May 2014):
Im afraid you have to realize you are one of many women who he is playing. The fact he bought you and expensive piece of jewellery at the start should have set off alarm bells im afraid. He is the kind of man who uses charm, manipulation and money to buy women.
You may have thought this a was exclusively you and him it was not. You will probably find that all the other women thought the same thing.
I don't want to sound rude or harsh but he is the kind of man who wants his cake and eat it, while there is no shortage of people all too willing to go along with it in return for gifts and flattery.
You did the right thing walking away from this guy. You deserve much better. Actually I have met a few guys like that, they are not rare. Im sure the image in my mind is not too far off the reality. Find yourself a decent, honest man. Next time see the red flags: the scores of women in his life, the expensive gifts from the off, etc.
Mark
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (26 May 2014):
 Agreed, this guy is a total player. And, feels like he can just shower a woman with baubles and money to blind her to his outrageous behavior. Unfortunately, there are a few woman who will put up with a cheater, liar, a flirt, if he's continuing to lavish her with luxury. When you cried and he walked away because he didn't know what to do? It's because he rarely has to emotionally connect with anyone - he lets the money do that work for him.
What he is, is a sugar daddy. Not a boyfriend. And undoubtably - he's also a gigantic jerk. You were smart to get rid of him. Now, onward to a guy who is excited about being with you! Good luck, sweet!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 May 2014):
 Lourdes: You ask, "..just what is the profile of a man like that?"
Answer: It's not the profile of a man; it's the profile of a DOG. Is that the (kind of) creature that you'd want to date????
Sorry that he's behaved like this...
Good luck....
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