A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. Can anyone tell me what the Push/Pull theory of dating is? Does a man use this when he is trying to sleep with a woman only? Or is it when he is attracted to her and wants to date her? Do single men do it or do married men do it? What do you do if you are a woman on the receiving end of this? Is it just a game? I think it is being used on me right now and it all seems like a mind game to me. What are guys thinking when they do this? What is the purpose of it? Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laurieg  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 Men use this all the time on women but ladies you can turn it around on them and it works like magic.
My boyfriend started to loose interest in me because I stopped doing all things that attracted him to me in the first place. But only because he was such an attention hog and demanded all my time, like how was I suppose to keep getting up at 5:00 am to go work out when he was keeping me up until 1;00 in the morning every day. Not to mention he was occupying my whole day by having me work for him.
Well he is in the Air Force reserves and all of a sudden he got orders to work in Louisiana for the next three weeks. So I decided to use the push/pull theory on him and make him think. I ignored his calls for a day, flirted on line with a few guys, sent a few pics, made plans to meet one of them, talked about how I started back at the gym (I knew he was reading all my emails) and it drove him to insanity. Guys only want what they can't have, and they really want what all the other guys want.They want someone who is exciting and full of life. And they want someone who will allow them to be in control. He called me ten times today and I ignored them all. When he finally called this evening and I answered, "hi baby" he was telling me how much he loved me and missed me. It took him out of control and put me in control. Sorry guys but two can play at this game... He reminded me that he was in control not me and I submitted that control back over to him gladly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): is it like running hot/cold?
it can be very frustrating. I've been in a FWB relationship with a guy for 5 years. Before that we were best friends for 2 years. For the 5 years since we started sleeping together, we've been having this really complicated love affair where neither one of us will come right out and say if we want a real relationship or not. we both run hot and cold with each other. I never intended to do it, it's not me to push someone I love away, but he started it, and confused me greatly. So then I did it back to him and it's been going on for 5 years. Now I'm getting just sick and tired of these mind games so I'm currently running cold on him or pushing him away, and this time it's going to be permanent.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): I agree with Kermit and I'm kind of going through the same thing myself with a guy.
Alternatively when women do it, it's called "playing hard to get." You stoke a person's desire and curiousity for you by rejecting them on some level.
When people first get to know each other, there's always a little of this. Because no one knows how they will be valued and for what reason....and you don't neccessarily know the other person's limits.
A little chase is good.
Being overly earnest is an invitation to get used.
In your case, he probably just want to see you far you go to get his attention....sexual or otherwise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): It's nothing really new and dorothy is right I think in saying that its a normal part of a relationship. He may not even be aware that he's doing it to be honest...
HOWEVER! and I don't wanna alarm you, but push/pull theory is a pick up artist technique... well at least it's a term that's thrown around a lot by them anyways.
Push-Pull is whenever you emotionally push somebody away from you and, then, emotionally pull them back in.
It's ultimately a technique that's aimed at building attraction/curiosity and... well... "picking up". It sounds silly on paper and you'd think, wow that's ridiculous, petty, immature etc. However you'd be surprised how well it works and how oblivious most girls are as to what is happening.
Even by spiking your curiosity enough to come on here and ask about him- (if he is indeed doing this on purpose), then its kinda doing what its designed to do. Again, don't conclude that this is what he's doing, but I know two pick up artists who use "push/pull theory" every night they go out... Always see them leave with a girl each without fail... and they are not attractive guys whatsoever!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (3 February 2011):
 It is a seduction tactic.
First the guy shows interest. (pulls you to him)
Then the guy shows dis-interest (pushes you away).
and repeat.
Happens in short spurts and is designed to give women emotional range and drama.
Guys who use it, are not always interested in the girl though. Some guys do it just for fun, just to see the girl get confused and to see if he can get her to chase. The goal is the get the girl to chase him so that he does not have to do any work.
This is used in club environments usually, and as a means of seeing if the girl has low self esteem to be manipulated.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (3 February 2011):
Hi there. I have never actually heard of the push/pull theory.
So with that in mind, I can only assume that it's about being emotionally available to the person you are dating.
The "push" could be when the guy is being open with himself and his feelings and giving and sharing information about himself with his girlfriend.
The "pull" could be when the guy pulls back from being so open with his girlfriend, and is becoming scared of getting too involved. This could be when there is the sense of withdrawing from the girl a bit, and becoming a bit distant with her. This distancing behaviour can be pretty confusing for woman, that's for sure.
The distancing behaviour, can happen if the guy has any doubts about the girl he's dating, or on the other hand, it can also be a sign that he's just making sure about how he does feel, before he then becomes more open again. So you could take it to be that he's making up his mind about you. As to whether he wants to get more serious.
Another way to tell how your boyfriend is feeling about you, is how well you get along generally. If you get along great and it all seems to fit and you are happy and relaxed in each other's company, well the slight distancing could definitely be a positive sign.
Just as long as he is treating you properly and with respect, and spends money on you and takes you to nice places, well then you more than likely have nothing to worry about at all.
In the absence of mistreatment of you, it all sounds pretty positive all round.
So with that in mind, don't worry too much about it, unless he does stop treating you well.
I really think that this push/pull theory is a normal part of any relationship, especially when you are getting to know each other from the beginning. So it would usually be in the early stages of a new relationship.
This sort of openness and closed type of behaviour, could also happen in a marriage, but more for the reason of having an argument and the two people aren't really speaking or are carrying grudges.
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A
male
reader, df30 +, writes (3 February 2011):
What the hell is the push/pull theory?
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