A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 20 years. A month ago i found out that my husband is having an affair with my best friend. My friend stood there and let me confide in her while she was having an affair with my husband, in fact she was treated like family by all of us. We have 3 kids 18, 16 and 8. I am finding it nearly impossible to let him go. He is still living in the house with us until after the holidays. He tells me he loves me but he no longer is in love with me. He cares deeply for our family and adores our children. I have been a devoted wife and mother, have supported him emotionally for ever, and loved and honored him unconditionally. The best part of this is that we have continued to have sexual relations even after i found out about the infidelity. It has been the best sex we've had in a long time. I adore my husband and have for 23 years (3 years of dating). My kids are totally devasted especially my 16 old daughter since she was such good friends with her. I know i should let him go but the pain that me and my kids feel is so huge. My husband says he needs to to figure things out but he plans to continue his relationship with her, this woman has no children and is only 3 years younger than him. THis woman has been around (if you know what I mean) he says he does not see a futre with her becuase he knows in the long run is not going to workout for many reason. Now can someone please tell my why a man would risk everything for something he knows is not going to work. He tells me he loves me and I am his best friend. We both have cried a lot since I found out about this you can see he is devasted as well. I know by the way he looks at me that he loves me a lot.Our children still need him. What is the price to pay for an affair when there are children involved?
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affair, best friend, infidelity Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): “There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”
A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (19 December 2010):
 baddogbj, in your country are women given the same leeway to have extramarital affairs as long as they are discrete? Would any man in China tolerate a wife who has had a lover for 15 or 20 years, so long as the husband is clearly number 1 in terms of respect and social standing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Baddogbj you live and follow a different culture and set of moral rules. You believe an affair is just an affair. You thought process may work in the oriental world however in the Western civilisation the same moral compass is different. With all due respect to u, what works in your country will definitely work here. You see women are not in subjection anymore and they have the right to decide. They are not forced to endure the humiliation and the degrading. They are now empowered and therefore I love the word democracy. I am glad u have found a society that does not blink an eye regarding affairs but to each their own.
To the OP, my heart really does go out to u. I know it is difficult days but better to know what u are facing than to be oblivious to the cheating.
Hun, your hb wants out so salvage your pride. Do not beg. Right now staying for the kids is not doing anyone any favours.
Xmas is a family day yes, but it will still come and go without him. So understand that by him spending a few more days from his lover will not make a difference. You need to think about divorce, division of assets and the kids. Difficult difficult days right now but you will get through. U are rightly very emotional and need time to understand what happened. I am glad the bitch of a 'friend' is out of your life. As for your 'husband' what more can I say. He hoodwinked u didn't he? He lied, he humiliated u, he devastated you, his betrayal cuts so deep. Keep these things in mind when u are being nice and being desperate. Be strong, pack his clothes for him. Take back your dignity. Nice man or not, he wasn't very nice when hour destroyed your world and his kids world.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 Baddog, you are correct in remarking that, whether we like it or not,love has also a social dimension and connotation. Basically, it's not true that there are no rules in love , every society has their own interiorized codes and breaking them takes a toll on the breaker , leaving him//her unsettled and unhappy with himself.
In most Westernized society , love = faithfulness, in fact fidelity is a sort of prerequisite of love. No fidelity, no more love, at least a "full" , complete love. You get left with a sort of battered down, rusty, second -hand love. A "lemon " of love. A woman may be VERY conflicted between letting go of what she knows and loves already, or accepting a kind of love that makes her feel not respected and not worthy of respect, someone who has to be content with damaged goods. She would have to love her husband and hate herself.
I know that there are other areas in the world that function based upon different psychological premises, and who am I to say who is right or wrong But not everybody is born a social reformer ! and for a Western woman makes a lot more sense coping with the wound of a betrayal by getting a divorce than by moving to China.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 I genuinely don't understand why you HAVE to leave him and have your 8 year old grow up the child of divorced parents. Sometimes it seems almost as if there is a rule in the International Union of Women (English Speaking Chapter) that states that if your husband sleeps around you MUST divorce him and take him for as much money as possible because to do anything else would be to encourage other husbands to stray and to let down the sisterhood. There is no such rule and you are free to chart the course of your own life. If you want to leave this man who you love, who loves you and who is the father of your children then by all means do it but don't think that you must do it because "that is what women do when they discover their husbands cheating".
Is this part of the world it is routine for wives who have been married for 15 or 20 years to tolerate a husband's discrete affairs or maintaining a younger mistress so long as the wife is clearly number 1 in terms of respect and social standing and of course money and the mistress is kept well away from children and friends.
If you let this situation run and say little then in 6 months or 8 months or 10 months he will tire of her and he'll be back with you loving you more than ever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): OMG, I am in exactly the same boat in terms of long term relationship, one child, taking him back hoping he'd choose me and the sex...I know about the best sex in years. Unfortunately though, I think it's about trying to hang on to him, desperately. Hoping that if he can see how great you two are together and what a great family life you have then he would choose to stay.Unfortunately, as someone alluded to in the earlier message, he made his choice when he decided to have the affair. He is still getting something from your relationship that is why he is staying with you. But the love that you need as a woman...it's not there honey. He says you are his bestfriend, my husband said the same and I bought the lie...a bestfriend has enogugh love not to do this. As is the case with my husband, he no longer respects you or love you the way a husband should love his wife.I have just found out more lies and it is the last straw for me. I am finding it hard to let go though and just trying to get through the christmas period as we have our families to consider too. I am considering them (he's too selffish to be thinking about this sort of thing).I have stopped the sex...you should too. It will ruin you if you don't. I should also mention that we did go through counselling and I thought it was going good but he was still lying! He was taking me for a ride.It is time to put a stop to it. I am thinking of you knowing how hard it is. If you need the strength to carry on, look at your children. You need to do this for them as much as for yourself. They will respect you and love you for it. They need to know that this is not on as they will model their future relationships on your marraige.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason why he is still here is because of the children, yes i will admit that I was hoping he would change his mind but I know now that is not possible. I know he has to go and he will be gone after the holidays. I have cut her out of my life in fact she told me to my face she did not regret anything she has done and yes I am very angry but at the same time trying to hold on to my family and my husband. I love him very much and yes I ask myself how can I still love him after everything he has done and when I figure that out I will let you all know and after the holidays I will give you an update as to what happen. This is much harder than I though, the pain I fell inside is unexplainable. In fact I now know how much I love this man but unfortunately he does not feel the same way. I am ready to let him go and causiously move on with my life.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (17 December 2010):
It's a new old story
The wives friend gets secretly jealous from her and chase her husband using the information that she knows from the kind hearted woman
I think you'd better leave him for good
He can come and see his children no problem with that
But leave the cheaters together
And pull out of their lives
Especiallythat he told you clearly that the is not going to stop seeing this woman
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I feel sorry for you bec u are in denial. This man doesn't love you, he is using you, making u sweet by having sex with u and then he is going to drop u like a hot potato. This clever man is planning a life without u, plse wake up and smell the sh1t he has heaped on u and your kids. He is not devastated , he is crying crocodile tears. He is staying bec while he is taking pity on you, he is plotting to be rid of you.
I have read your story and I actually feel anger toward you. Hey where is your anger, who is your gusto , where is your determination to get your life back.
Why wait until the holidays- tell him to move. NOW! Why hurt your kids even more this man has the best of both worlds and u have made it so easy for him to 'abuse' your situation. Where is your Pride? Get Rid of the cheater and visit a lawyer IMMEDIATELY.
You are not a helpless woman so why act like one.
Please plse stop having sex with him. Have some self respect dammit.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I agree with Dr Psych. Get out while you still have your sanity. If you stick around, it will be a downward spyral until you have lost all of your self esteem. And how are you going to move on then?
You have your children's love and respect. Focus on that. And fight to hold on to that respect in the future.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (17 December 2010):
 You don't have a 'best friend' since this woman clearly abused your trust. You need to cut her out of your life like an ulcer as she has no integrity whatsoever. However, you should also feel sorry for her. She gave up your beautiful friendship to have a dirty little affair with your husband and he doesn't even respect her enough to see a future between them! Don't direct the anger and bitterness at her - you are focused on the wrong target! She betrayed you and your family, but that is nothing compared to what your husband has done. His cut is no doubt a bit deeper. Although people stay together for the children, it is a very bad reason to continue a marriage. If the children see their mother accepting such appauling treatment from a man without kicking him out then what impact will that have on them? They will go on in their adult lives accepting shoddy treatment from potential partners just like their mother did. I understand this is deeply painful for you but it comes down to a matter of self respect. He is having sex with you, and the other woman, and you are letting him! It is time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and to see this man for what he is. He has also indicated he wishes to carry on the affair which is disgusting behaviour, but he is a man having cake and eating it. He wants to carry on with her because she is an easy, sexually experienced woman and a little exciting distraction from everyday life. He doesn't want to invest in her by dating her, living with her or marrying her...she doesn't have that sort of value to him. Your marriage to this man was dead at the point in which he cheated and told you he doesn't love you in the right way anymore. By remaining with him and sleeping with him, you send him a message that he can do whatever he likes, and that is ok with you. It is time to make the brave decision to cut him out of your life. He can still see the kids but if you carry on living in this awful situation then you will end up suicidally depressed and miserable. Get out now while you still have your sanity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): You seem to be letting your husband off lightly here. You are waiting for him to decide what he wants to do. He had, and it seems is still, having an affair. He has not said it is over - can we start again. He is trying to fit his mistress into his life. He no longer loves you in the way you want and chances are he will leave you after the holidays as you say. You need to steal yourself for this and be strong - not easy - but he is either with you or not - and any half way house will not work for anyone. Just look at the facts and tell him what you want too, not just what he wants. And stop sleeping with him!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): There is no easy way through this. Betrayal by "best friend" and "spouse" is doubly destructive.Unfortunately, you have another problem that is more serious than your own betrayal. All of your children will be more insecure in their own relationships due to this, and this has the potential to create problems for many years.The only thing that might help is to get everyone into a counselor together. They need to understand that not everyone is like this, they can trust, and they can be trusted.You just found this out, it will take years to work through it, give yourself breathing space, and your children as well, all of you will need it.Your husband and you will need counseling with each other if the marriage is to survive, and the "friend" which is not what she was, must disappear from your lives completely, hard as that may be.A book may help, "Surviving the Affair", another "After the Affair" may also help, as well as "Not Just Friends".Good Luck,
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Your husband is screwing your best friend and you're still living with him and having sex with him.Your husband says he is no longer in love with you and you're still living with him and having sex with him.Your husband says he is going to continue his relationship with your best friend and you're still living with him and having sex with him.Your husband has broken your daughter's heart and created a situation where she may be damaged by his actions and you're still living with him and having sex with him.What's the price of an affair? You pay with your dignity, your self-esteem, and the emotional well-being of your children. Your willingness to stay in this relationship is making it easier for your husband to have his cake--and eat it, too. He's not going to make a decision to end the affair and devote himself to his marriage because as it stands, he is not losing a damn thing. He gets to have sex with TWO women, keep his home, his family and his upstanding appearance to the outside world. What do you get? You get your heart broken.If he wants to be with your friend, tell him to pack his shit and go to her. He'll be back once he realizes what he's giving up, but don't allow him into the home until the two of you get some marital and individual counseling.
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male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (17 December 2010):
There doesn't have to be a price. Yes he has been selfish and reckless but you get to decide how much damage gets done. Life is very complex and we should all beware knee-jerk responses. Why not just let the situation run for a while. Is it impossible that you could all be happy together as a somewhat unconventional family?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): When he goes make sure he goes for good and not have u waiting in the side like orphan annie. I hope u cut your so called best friend out of your life.If you are mopy, clingy and acting all weak this man will (and I am sure he has) walk all over you.Why is he still at home when u know he is having sex with your ex bff?Do u think that by having sex with him he will choose u over her?Next time have boundaries and do not have another woman in your home life. Keep friends as friends and not as extended family. Very hard I know but it has to be done.Make certain u get the best deal financially. Basically take him to the cleaners. After all let him pay with something dear to him.Your daughter is hurt and rightly so. Your hb has shown that his lover takes precedence over his wife and kids.Whether she is a loose woman or not makes no difference to your hb. Perhaps the sluttishness excites him.However u will be making a grave mistake putting your life on hold for him. Why settle when he has obviously chosen. Do your homework and grow some 8alls. Yes women have 8alls too, so become strong and solve your marital woes with dignity, not his doormat, not insecure as you have been thus far.All is not lost . At least u can be rid of the cheating hb but have peace of mind. What are u loving about him. If you focus on his wrongdoing u can achieve so much more. I think YOU are doing your kids a disservice by holding on to him. He doesn't want to be home. So plse let him goSlowly u will heal and make sense of what had happened. Be strong for your kids and once and for all get rid of the trash.LoveGirl
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Child support for you and his $ also pays for the divorce.
This will be better and healthier for the children in the long run..it's best to grow up in 2 happy homes rather than one that's miserable where daddy cheats on mommy.
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