A
male
age
41-50,
*onfusedmrk
writes:I need advice please. I married my best friend that I never loved romantically. She got pregnant and I have the most wonderful child. I left my wife when my child was under 1 as I did not want to cheat and was not pleased sexually. I feel so guilty as she did nothing wrong. A year after divorce I met the love of my life. Wonderful she is but age differce but we work through it. 2 years into this very strong passionate relationship, I feel guilty then ever for leaving my wife and giving my child a broken home. I spend as much time a I can with my angel and I still feel guilty. I look after my ex financially. Just can't get over guilt and it's not fair on my new partner. Don't know what to do. Any advice I thank people for in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): You still seem like u are in pain.I think u know u need to let your present gf go. In spite of so called loving her, I think u know that u two are not meant to be.I think u are looking for 'love' too drastically. In your mind perhaps love only means great sex. And I think bec u did not have great sex with your wife you think that that is not love.Love is just so much more than sex. Yes great sex counts, let's not forget this. But love is also quiet, have u considered this. A lot of people expect that love is all consuming, knees shaking, hey even heart palpitations. But to me love is quiet. I cannot explain it but it is. It is contentness, it is a smile, a laugh, a thought, a shared memory. I know a lot of people here on DC expect fireworks, expect so called Magic, and they spend the rest of their life chasing this concept of love. I repeat to me: Love is Quiet. Call me boring, or anything else but this is how I see and feel love for my hb. Being sexually compatible is a plus as well.Confusedmrk, yes you do have a major decision to make. Have u tried getting your ex to date. Tell her to try online (although I am quite perturbed by the stories I hear), social club, maybe she can take up dancing? Something to get her back into 'relationship' mode again.Personally I think your gf and u have long passed your sell by date. Perhaps you need to be direct with her and call it quits.Why do I have this feeling that one day you will find your way back to your ex wife. Maybe once you understand the concept of 'love' you will find your way back home to your wife and daughter. Just a hunch, maybe I am wrong.LoveGirl
A
male
reader, Confusedmrk +, writes (20 December 2010):
Confusedmrk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhen i left my wife .i was honestand i have treated her so well .she is a great lady and i never forget that but i did not have that passion like with current love of my life .i raggree with the other writer? i dont want a best friend i want a wife ,the decision i said i had to make was to leave current gf as i dont want to hurt her too as i cant get over guilt.the guilt is simply i hurt a very nice lady .when i tried my best to fall in love with her .the guilt is my child has broken home and i love her so much.the only thing makes me feel better as i have treated both of them well and i never cheated .my ex i ask for forgivness and she gave it but she has not been with anyone else since me over 3 years
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A
female
reader, Lemony Snicket  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 no matter what anyone sais, if u love you child then mrryig your best friend wasn't a mistake-nd also brakin up with her.you spared her feeings, that is all anyone can ask in that situation but never grow apart from your child-never push him/her away always keep close.
explain the difficulties of your last reationship with your girlriend, but explain its a different matter with her.
just don't spend more time mending you ex than u do moving forward with your girlfriend
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Confusedmrk, what decisions? I thought you made your decision when you left her???
Look you want to do the right thing so just have a heart to heart with your ex.have you really apologised to her for what u did. Were you honest to her from the start? Were you fair to her? Were you honorable to her? These are heart wrenching soul searching questions that u need to answer. I think the reason you have so much of guilt is bec you could have done things differently or perhaps u could have tried harder instead of walking away from her and your kid. Maybe that is your regret. Maybe you feel guilty that you found happiness and what u were really looking for so soon after leaving her. Search your heart and you will find your answers. Have you asked her for forgiveness? Perhaps if you can do this it may just help you to come to terms with what u did.
I also want to add: I am so sick and tired of couples saying their partners are their best friends.
My hb is not my Best friend. He is my friend. I like to differentiate hb and best friend.
Sometimes couples are just so caught up being besties that they forget the passion, lust, intimacy.
I do not want my hb to be my best friend. People look at me strangely when I say this. But just think about it.
I would never do things that i do with my hb , that I would do with my best friend.
The intimacy, the thoughts, the everyday challenges. I have purposefully decided on these 2 clear roles in my life bec I did not want a best friend but a husband who just happens to be my friend as well.
For me it works. After 19 years of marriage it works and I am just so glad I decided on the 2 roles. Too many couples (just read here on DC) have hurt each other being best friends and not hb and wife. Perhaps you will disagree with me but to each his/her own.
Thanks for the update OP. Its nearly Xmas time so perhaps you will be able to have some closure. Perhaps your ex wife too. She's a good woman, don't forget this.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Confusedmrk +, writes (18 December 2010):
Confusedmrk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u to everyone who has given advice. It been very helpful. I have a Hugh decision to make!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): You are wracked with guilt which may spoil your new relationship. But it doesn't have to be like this. Your first marriage didn't work. Not uncommon. But your daughter has a lovely Dad who is very much on the scene and is supportive. That is the most important thing. Your child will grow up with other children in the same situation so it is not unusual, and she won't think of it as a 'broken' home if she has two parents that love her, are around when she needs them (infact she's rather lucky to have two parents that love her). So give yourself a break. What's done is done. Make the best of what you have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Have u spoken to your ex about your guilt feelings? Did u not know that you were not in love with her at the time of marriage? I think u did a very selfish thing by marrying her, giving her a child and then leaving her.I am assuming you also destroyed your friendship with her when u left her?You need to analyse your guilt. Obviously u know what u did was wrong therefore u are being eaten alive. It is sad that a beautiful friendship was ruined.Did your bf love you? How has she reacted to your admission that u did not love her at all. Does she blame you for destroying her world? This is indeed sad not so much for your kid ( u left the kids mother before she turned one)but more for your ex wife. I think your ex is a good woman and u basically pulled the carpet from under her. And u know it therefore your guilt.At least u are human to admit your wrongdoing. Your new gf is she much younger than you? Does she treat your kid well? Will she make an excellent step mother? Is your kid used to your gf ?I do not know what else to tell you but you are mourning 2 things: hurting a decent woman and the end of a beautiful friendship. Not right but I guess that is how the cookie crumbles. Hindsight sometimes is so awful. The bummer in all of this is that your ex is a good woman and she did not deserve you throwing her away. I am glad you found a person to love and you are getting your sexual needs satisfied.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (17 December 2010):
 You can't control who you love and its foolish to try to stay with someone that you don't. You made a mistake in marrying your best friend... everybody makes mistakes, its how we learn. It's not a hang-able offense.
You gotta remember that while its going to be harder for your ex-wife, it in no way means that she or your child are not going to be ok in the long run. Just keep supporting them as much as you can.
My dad left my mum when I was 2 years old but continued to see me on holidays and religiously paid child support even when mum told him that she didn't need it. Frankly, I'm glad that he left... now I have two sets of HAPPY parents and two sets of HAPPY siblings all of whom I love dearly. I like to think that I've turned out a well balanced adult- despite coming from a "broken" home.
Its not the end of the world and it doesn't make you a bad person... having two parents who aren't happy with each other is more a broken home than you might think...
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