A
female
age
41-50,
*esty
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and living with him for nearly 1. He's a very caring person and goes out of his way to help other people, it's his second nature almost. Usually I don't have a problem with this (as I'm pretty much the same) unless I feel that he is ignoring his own issues (which he has a lot of and often gets very upset about those issues) while dealing with other peoples.Anyway, recently a female work colleague of his who he is quite close to has broken up with her abusive partner and my boyfriend has been helping her deal with the fall out. Again, I wouldn't usually have a problem with this as friends should be there for one another.However, I'm starting to think that an emotional line has been crossed somewhere and my boyfriend shouldn't be so involved in her life.She's always going to him at work for the slightest little thing and he's forever taking her to private rooms for a talk and making sure that everything is fine for her. They discuss deeply person things (which I am not happy about). Not only that but he's always phoning her up to make sure that she's ok and telling her how to deal with everything imaginable. The other day he wanted to invite her round for tea at our house because he felt she was having a particularly bad time.I feel that she should be doing more to help herself and not relying on my boyfriend for so much. He's admitted himself that she can be quite selfish but he doesn't listen to himself or me. When I raise the subject of her and her issues and the face that be's too involved I'm always made to look like the bad guy.Furthermore, he's started to get reluctant about discussing any of it with me which causes tension. In fact the only time we ever get into arguments is when she is discussed and these arguments are happening more and more often.There's already rumours about them having an affair at work and although I know he would never cheat on me I feel deeply upset and humiliated about it all. My partner doesn't seem to understand how I feel about the matter either instead focusing on how it feels for him and her!I think she is manipulative and selfish and she's already hurt him several times (I'm extremely sick of listening to it as he doesn't listen to anything that anyone ever says).This has been going on for months now and I real feel that my boyfriend is too involved. What do you think? And how do I address the situation once and for all?
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female
reader, sammi star +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Yes I think you're right, he is too involved with this womans life. It will be hard for him to see though because he's grown so close to her. It's as though his friendship with her is more important than his relationship with you and it's wrong to make you feel that way.
Sit him down for a heart to heart. Be careful what you say, don't make it sound like you're attacking him and don't bad mouth this woman in any way. Point out that he's been a good friend but he isn't helping her to learn to stand on her own two feet all the while that she's so reliant on him. Suggest that he cuts down contact gradually. See her a little less, don't always be so available to answer her calls etc.
Most importantly he needs to understand what a negative effect this is having for your relationship, that way he can decide which is important and where he should be putting more of his time and effort.
He sounds like a caring guy that just wants to help so frustrating as it may be just tread carefully.
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