A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for a few months with someone that I am very serious about and I am very much attracted to. I have not had a lot of experience with sex but even less experience in serious relationships. My partner complains that I don't know what to do during sex and that I don't seem to follow my instincts. This makes me feel more pressured and as a I result I start to resort to doing what I think I'm supposed to do. The situation has become so uncomfortable and frustrating for my partner that she doesn't want to try to have sex with me anymore, even though we both want to have great sex. The one time we have had great sex, she told me what to do but later said she felt guilty about giving orders. What can I do to improve this situation? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, nigelfuxwell  +, writes (12 July 2007):
 Wow, reading this takes me back. You remind me of myself when I had sex for the first time. I made the decision to wait until I was married, and being a virgin with a beautiful young wife was a recipe for horrible sex. To say it was awkward would be an understatement at best.
It was clear to me that she wasn't satisfied, and I had no clue whatsoever how to satisfy a woman. That situation really made it clear to me just how important sex really is in a healthy relationship because it started to erode the things that made is strong in the first place.
The good news is that you can overcome it, and it doesn't take a miracle. Great sex is actually 99% mental, and like anything else, you have to put it in perspective before you can approach it.
Some people will try to tell you that being a good lover is natural. That's a lie, man. And people who try to tell you that it takes an encyclopedia of carnal knowledge are dead wrong too. It all comes down to confidence. Problem is, it sounds like you've lost yours.
A couple things can help you though:
1) Forget the past - Constantly thinking about the last time "you sucked in bed" will kill your libido. You'll start to second guess your every move, and instead of having fun, you'll be wondering "is she enjoying this? why isn't she making any noises, etc, etc". If you've ever played sports and had a bad game, you KNOW you can't let a bad game (or a few bad games) make or break you. Shake it off, and figure out how to fix. Can't go back, only forward.
2) Have fun - If you're not that experienced, you will feel timid and awkward. This will translate into awkward and clumsy moments. Don't sweat it. Laugh it off. Joke about it. The best sex I ever had my lover and I were laughing hysterically in the middle of it. When we were done, we laid there in bed sweating and panting - trying to figure out what was so damn funny. Remember - you don't want to have sex with your girlfriend, you want to make love to your friend... So if you truly feel as strongly about her as you say you do, then treat sex the same way you do when you're having fun at an arcade, or shopping, or at a bowling alley. BAD analogies, I know, but the point is, you're not second guessing yourself then, right? Just let it flow.
3) Get a couple of wins under your belt - Again with the sports analogy... If you have a bad streak in any sport, a good coach will put you in a position to make some good plays - to contribute. That will build your confidence, and you'll be more apt to taking risks and be able to perform at a higher level. With sex, the ultimate win is to give her as much pleasure as you're capable of giving her. So the next time you two are about to intimate, don't focus on your pleasure, focus on her. Set up a night, invite her over, and make you house as romantic and seductive as possible. If you can cook, do it! Ordering in can be cool too... Light candles, and play some seductive music. I don't mean corny music, it depends on your taste. Personally, I've put together "seduction CDs" that had country, house, hip hop, pop and jazz). Tease her from the moment she walks in the door. A slight touch on the small of her back, a kiss on her neck from behind as you wrap your arms around her... Then, when you feel the time is right, lead in with foreplay. Kissing slowly, and letting your intensity and passion build up gradually. Don't strip butt naked all at once, take an article of clothing off of her one piece at a time.
Never underestimate the power of kissing and lettinf your hands explore her body. It does two things - it turns her on, and it will definitely turn you on. Vary your caresses between soft and slightly aggressive. Keep eye contact as much as you can. Touch her face. Kiss and lick every...square...inch... of...her...body.
the easiest way to please her is through oral sex, and I would definitely advise you to master it.
4) ASK HER WHAT SHE LIKES - But without acutally asking her... What I mean is, non verbal communication is much better than verbal sometimes. Take her hand, put your hand in hers, smile, look her in her eyes, and tell (not ask) her with confidence to "put this where it feels good..." Give her the freedom and power to guide her, without her feeling like she's "teaching" you. "Teaching" someone to have sex is a turn off for a lot of people.
5) She's already TOLD you what she likes. So do THAT for now. It sounds like you're suffering from a confidence issue, and I'm telling you, you can't let that compromise your ability to perform. Remember, you're a man, and women generally like men who act like men. And the best (and worst) part about men is even when we make mistakes, a little confidence can negate that.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 July 2007):
 I have this question for you, man. If she didn't have the experience, would you be willing to help her learn?
I say, if she doesn't want to help, well, no sex then. I would suppose she cares for you and doesn't want to make you feel hurt, as indeed you are.
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A
female
reader, love-him  +, writes (11 July 2007):
 Hi babe.. first off, if this is such a big deal for her, she needs to be able to tell you. You may not think this is a good idea, but if she keeps pressuring you, then just say fine, no sex, act as though you can deal without it.. I hope i helped & good luck. Mail me if you would like to talk x x
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A
female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT +, writes (11 July 2007):
 Hi there darling,
I understand that you have not had a lot of experience when it comes to sex and you really want to please your partner, well I have to say Well done you!!!!1
You state the one time you did have great sex it was when she told you what to do, well have you continued doing all of this or have you stopped, if your continuing to do all the things she asked then you need to let her know that she is not giving orders and she doesn't need to feel guilty about it she is just merely pointing out what she likes and there is nothing wrong with that I am all for us girlies pointing our men in the right direction hey the bedroom wasn't made just for the male was it ??....
Tell her you enjoyed her telling you what she likes and it turned you on this may help her to relax and you may find she open up more....
Good luck darling
Love Donna x
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