A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What is the etiquette for a married woman's behavior in party situations where her husband isn't present?My wife just returned from a trip with some girlfriends to Atlantic City. While there she won a bunch of money playing a game that she didn't know how to play when she left home. When I asked her about this, she said she got help from the dealer, and the man playing next to her. She assurred me he was not particularly good looking, just really nice. I pressed her just a bit one what happened, and she admitted that more than once he put money down for her (doubling or tripling her bet).She also admitted another man bought her a drink later in the eveningI am not sure what to think about this. Check that. I know I don't really like it, but I am really not sure what, if anything, I should say or do about it.My wife is pretty, mid-40's. She no longer makes cars stop in the street, but she regularly gets attention/stares when we go out. When I have been to Atlantic city with her, I have witnessed men doubling her bet on numerous occasions. It's done respectfully, I guess cause they think she brought the table luck? Not really sure what the motivation, as I would never do the same to another woman, whether or not my wife was there. I say "respectfully" because this gesture has never been followed by any proposition or lewd comments.Anyway, what can I really expect or demand of my wife by way of a response to such gestures - without being a controlling jerk - when I am not there to protect my assets (as it were)... What should a married woman say when someone offers to buy her a drink? What should a married woman say when someone flops a $25 or $50 chip down on her bet?My wife is a friendly person, and I don't think she would like an obligation to blurt out "I'm married" every time something like this happens. Nor would she appreciate having to rebuff every conversation starter in such "party atmospheres". After all, who wants to be so negative to everyone (not to mention presumptive - that every man who speaks to her is soooo attracted to her).Should I be giving her free reign to chat, accept drinks, joke around, not freak out if someone is flirting with her - so long as she doesn't actually do anything with anyone? women, what do you think? What would be an acceptable request or expectation from your partner?At this point, I only told her that if a man wants to orbuys her a drink, she should let him know she is married. I also said that she is free to laugh and joke around in group situations, but I wouldn't like it if she were having one on one conversations with men when I am not there.To be honest, I don't like any of this. I don't do it when she is not there. But the situation is admittedly different for men. If I don't start anything, there won't be anything. I don't buy women drinks, or Intitiate flirting, place bets for...etc. Neither does my wife. But as an attractive woman, men are regularly doing this to her.Women, what are the parameters of an appropriate response to her re a situation I do not like. I do not want to be controlling or shut her down from being a normal social person, having fun, but I fear sooner or later, a guy to whom she is attracted may push her too far....
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Gambling etiquette is different from other kinds of social etiquette. When a man (or woman) bets behind you they are not spending the money on you. They are hoping to cash in on what they perceive as your good luck. Women are often thought to bring luck to a table, especially if they have never played the game before. Because they may be new to the game, they are often given assistance by the dealer or other seasoned players. With men it is the exact opposite. If they are a "virgin" in terms of that game, they are thought to bring bad luck. I don't know why this is, but it is.But that is not the larger issue. I travel with my girlfriends every year. We often go to places that have casinos, but that is not the focus of the vacation. I have had men bet behind me and offer me assistance. I have had men offer to buy me drinks too. In a casino everyone is your friend when you are winning.Your post has made me wonder if these thoughts go through my husbands head. I really hope not. Anyway, do you trust your wife? Just as you say with men, nothing is going to get unless you start it. Nothing is going to happen with your wife unless she goes along with it. Your wife knows where the line is.I doubt your wife is going on vacation with her girlfriends in order to hook up with strange men. Come on. Give her more credit than that. She sounds like a classy lady that is above anything that squalid.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 March 2011):
I personally think you're wife's a genius! Think about it - she has all those men around her finger, and does NOTHING with them. At all. Instead, they all spend money on her!
In all seriousness, I don't think she's doing anything wrong at all. I think this is a woman who is in complete control, and just graciously accepts the fact that men want to spend money on her. This isn't something you need to worry about at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): Thanks for your responses.I think i could have been more clear, in that the drinks we bought for her at a casino bar - away from the tables, and by men (2 different occasions) whom she did not gamble with.s far as the requirement to set down rules when we first got married and stick to them? Well that happened 15 years ago. We did not sit down with a ledger and script every scenario. Things change even if we had. I do love her for her, but that does not mind I appreciate every single decision she makes, nor that I am required to sit in silence when she makes one thtat makes me uncomfortable. This is to sY, I don't really ascribe to the take it or leave it motto. From time to time she let's me know when I have done something to make her uncomfortable. I try to keep her feelings in mind always. I take them very seriouslyNow some men might not care if their wife accepts free drinks at the bar. Some would be furious. I am in the middle bi don't like it, but assent so long as she tells them she's married before accepting. I guess I answered my own questions, but I am curious what most women think of this issue.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Ooh! Great question!
I assume she's playing table games in Atlantic City? Blackjack, Texas Hold 'Em, etc?
As a table game player myself, I can tell you that there's a unique sort of comraderie that takes place at the games. I've been given chips by others (guys and women) to double down with, and have done the same for others. There's this whole "us against the house" mentality that a good dealer will join in on (your wife's dealer wasn't hitting on her - big wins mean big tips for him).
I've fist bumped (and even bear hugged!) strangers there, and truly felt alive when there's a big win at the table. I've had drinks bought for me, drinks bought for the table, and it's part of the whole culture of the table.
You've got to trust your wife. You can't "protect your assets", so to speak. At a table game, these gestures don't necessarrily mean the same as they would in a bar, where the drink is the door-opener to a possible next step. At table games, it's completely different. Drinks can be bought because the person treating is winning, in a great mood, drinks can be bought for sympathy to someone who lost a lot on a bold move.
Bottom line is - your wife had fun. Trust her. She was there for fun, not to go flirt and sleep around. The rules at a simple party aren't the same as the ones at the table games, and neither is the intent behind certain things. I have no doubt that if, upon leaving the action at the table, were a guy to try and take it further, she would not let it happen.
If your wife were at a bar, and some guy came up to her with a drink and a pick up line, that would be very different. But a table game is very different. Maybe to understand it, you might want to try it out, and maybe you'll feel better about peoples' intent there.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2011):
 A female reader, chigirl + ?, writes (1 March 2011):
"Should I be giving her free reign to chat, accept drinks, joke around, not freak out if someone is flirting with her - so long as she doesn't actually do anything with anyone?"
Yes, thats it. She's not your property, she's your wife. She's still her own person who makes the right decisions for herself. And if you don't like her actions, or her behaviour, then are you sure you love her for her? Because her actions, and behaviour, is what essentially makes her.. her.
Amen to that Chigirl!!! Unless she had given you reason to not trust her, what is your problem? You want her to go out with friends, but hide behind the potted plants?
YES, she could decline the drink ( that is what I would do, personally, but I can't fault a woman who appreciate the gesture.)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 "Should I be giving her free reign to chat, accept drinks, joke around, not freak out if someone is flirting with her - so long as she doesn't actually do anything with anyone?"
Yes, thats it. She's not your property, she's your wife. She's still her own person who makes the right decisions for herself. And if you don't like her actions, or her behaviour, then are you sure you love her for her? Because her actions, and behaviour, is what essentially makes her.. her.
Are you scared she will cheat on you? Don't you trust her? If a man pushes her too far, don't you trust in her ability to speak up for herself? After all she is a grown woman, not a child. She doesn't need you to protect her from handsome men at the bar who buys her drinks. If she feels it is getting uncomfortable then she will say no herself. The alternative is that you lock her in the house and lever let her go out unattended by you. And you know where that will lead you.
An acceptable request from a partner is made at the beginning of a relationship. The rules don't change after marriage. You have already established, at the beginning of the relationship, what is acceptable between the two of you. Keep to the already established rules. I don't what what rules you already have, as they vary from couple to couple. But the common ones are: no cheating, groping, sleeping naked in the same bed etc. But in most cases these things are also case sensitive. A friendly slap on the bum between great friends is quite different from groping a stranger in a bar. Thats why laying down rules is so difficult.. its best to just trust the other person judgment.
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