A
female
age
41-50,
*ountryaly76
writes:I have a question for other blended families, I have two kids ages 12 and 7 and my fiance has two kids 22 and 18. The 22 and 18 year old live with their boyfriends and my children live with me and my fiance. Here is the question. When planning to go on vacations, Do i always have to invite his adult children to come with us? and if i do, is their a point in life that i wont have too, because sometimes i would want to take my kids that are younger to places the older ones wouldn't want to go. but knowing his kids they would go anyway just for the free ride. And that brings another question, If they do go on vacation with us do we always have to pay for them and their boyfriends too? I ask this question because recently i took their dad out to dinner with my two kids a spur of the moment thing and I didn't think to invite his kids and they got angry with me saying that he is their dad, not my kids dad and that they should have been invited too, I said i was sorry and that i didn't mean to offend anyone, that i was only trying to do something nice for their dad. I have been with their dad for well over 2 years and we have lived together over one, This hasn't been a problem until now. His 18 year old just moved in with her boyfriend in May and until then she did everything with us, so i guess i can understand its a little different for her, but was surprised at the oldest who hasn't lived at home since she was 18. So now i'm afraid to make any plans with just him and my kids together, because i don't want to upset his children. This next Summer i want to take my children to Disney World before they get to old to enjoy it, but i don't want to invite his kids, but i would like for him to be able to go with us considering we are getting married in May 2018 and he will then be my husband. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 July 2017):
 you should tell them they are more than welcome on the trip, but you cannot afford to pay for them. Look they are both adults now and they need to stand on their own two feet, it is not up to you to look after them or pay for there holidays, neither is it up to their dad. They are adults if they want to go they can pay. It sounds like they feel entitled because they see they can get away with it. Put your foot down, if your boyfriend asks you to pay say no.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 July 2017):
 Well, the fact that this relationship is better than the previous ones does not mean per se that this is a good, or even sustainable, relationship. Maybe the previous ones were really terrible and this being slightly better still does not make it a desirable or acceptable one, it just shows that you are willing to go to great lengths and put up with a lot in order to be in ANY relationship . " That's why I try so hard to make everyone happy " - no that's why you try so hard to make HIM happy, by spending amounts which you can't afford on things that would be HIS responsibility, not yours ( his daughters' cars, for instance ). In other words , you are trying to BUY yourself love, acceptance and validation , because you have the nagging feeling that his love is not so unconditional and that if you closed the tap of free flowing money and gifts for everybody, the flow of his love would visibly dwindle too at once.
Some developments are positive since your last post. At least , he stopped bullying and abusing your children and this is a big victory ( Although, T wonder why taking the trash out is "age appropriate " for a grade school kid .. in a house where there is an ADULT male. But let's not nitpick ). Another positive thing is that you sound a little more assertive, and a little less naive and starry eyed, and have opened your eyes to the existence of various red flags.
Still, like you say, there's more work to do - and more awareness to develop. Don't take all he says as solid gold. Scratch the surface - dig deeper. Easy fot him to say certain platitudes , but .... For instance :
Yes , of course families should pool their resources and should share , without splitting cents halfways. Obvious . Otherwise , say, a well off lady doctor could only marry another well off doctor, and never the less affluent bank teller or shop clerk whom she happens to love.
BUT - the less affluent one needs to keep his priority straight , and your bf does not. He does not earn much ( ... does he work at all btw ? Just curious ) and he spends lots on his animals. Leaving to you to pay for his daughters' wants and needs. Eh no, TOO easy. Maybe the animalist DearCupiders will disagree, but IMO people before pets, and, most of all, daughters and sons before pets. If he cannot properly take care of his kids- then the animals should go. One keeps animals if he can afford them. And if he struggles to pay for stuff that he feels his daughters should have,... then he can't afford them. Or, actually, he can afford them, just because he is fobbing off to you costs that are HIS responsibility. Eh... it's easy this way.
Imagine if the roles were reversed. You have only a small salary - he earns somewhat more. But, you " have to " spend all your money on hair extensions, French manicures , and tanning beds. You tell him : Sorry, but I can't give you anything toward household costs, plus you have to pay for all my children's vacations, field trips, sport classes etc.,... because I do not earn much and my money is all taken up by " other stuff ".
Do you think that would make sense ? Do you think he would agree and approve ? Would he think this is a fair and natural arrangement, or would he think you are a selfish, entitled b...h ?
The daughters act entitled because THEIR DAD acts entitled and is taking advantage of your vulnerability.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2017): Reading your post makes me worry WHY you are staying in this relationship?
Your fiance sounds like he is taking advantage of you financially. And whatever you 'give away' to him is money that won't go to your kids one day, and financial security that you and your kids won't have now. What if something goes wrong and you or your kids need the money which you've given to someone that really doesn't deserve it? You're not his mum!
It also speaks volumes that instead of being THANKFUL for the HUGE amount you have already done for him and for HIS kids, you get BLAMED for the ONE time you aren't able to reach them before a meal out. And yet YOU are the one left to worry about this, not him. They're his kids?!
HE is the one which is the problem here. And perhaps that's why his kids are so 'take, take, take' -because they suffered being brought up by this scrounger, just as you are now CHOOSING to live with and care for this scrounger like he was still an (ungrateful) child himself.
I'm sorry, I'm only saying this because I'm worried for you, and your kids. WHY are you staying with this man/child?
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female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (2 July 2017):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a response to the answers, yes this is the same man that i was supposed to marry in 2017. I had decided to wait because we did have lots of issues, we have worked through most of them or so i had thought. My kids are fine with him and his daughters, he calmed down a lot when it came to my kids, my children have age appropriate chores to do. (one feeds the dogs the other feeds the cats they take the garbage out together, Im ok with these chores). And yes these are the same daughters that I have taken in and provided shelter for and food for, I have bought them both cars to get back and forth to work and school in, and i am helping pay for their college. I have taken a lot on. I Make more money than my fiance does and better at budgeting, The biggest problem is the finances, he believes that in a relationship money should be shared, but in this case i do most of the sharing. Don't get me wrong he does pay sometimes. His animals are still a big expensive problem but I dont offer to take care of them anymore, that cost is on him, but it does still take away from his family. I do love his daughters almost feel sorry for them at times, but they do act entitled most of the time. Maybe we still have a lot of problems to work through. Sometimes i do wonder if it worth all this effort. For everyone who thinks i'm trying to not include his daughters in the family that simply isn't true, I didn't include them in one dinner to a restaurant simply because they never answered their phone, and got into trouble. I just asked because i didn't understand why they got so angry at me over one small thing. And i was curious about the bigger trip, but i will invite them as always. but im not paying for their boyfriends. I know this relationship sounds bad to a lot of people, but this is actually the best one i've ever had, I guess that's why i try so hard to make everyone happy,
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 July 2017):
I see now Aunty BimBim's post - and I recant my advice. I take it back. Not that it's not sensible advice, in a normal average blended family situation. It is.
But yours is not exactly a typical situation, and your problem is not the etiquette of step-parenting. Your problem is that you have taken up with an unemployed scrounger who exploits your easy going demeanour, and your vulnerability, while being psychologically and verbally abusive to your kids .
Isn't this the same guy who left to you the burden to feed his younger daughter because he would only feed his..animals ? Then, no wonder that he is not willing to chip in for his daughters' vacations, and tries to make it your duty. It's hardly surprising, it's just the follow up of an exploitative situation which was already going on.
I am sure that you have your own good reasons to stay in such a questionable and unrewarding position, so I won't offer further comments other than : good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2017): I read your other questions. Are you 100% certain you want to marry into a family of lazy entitled bullies? Plus weren't you supposed to marry May 2017? It's been postponed a year? Why?Paying for the boyfriends is crazy. Their parents can pay for their sons. Has he stopped bullying your children by the way?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 July 2017):
I agree with Chigirl in almost everything . Of course you should have invited your bf's daughters to his special celebration - age is irrelevant in this case, same as the fact rhar they live by themselves. You should have invited them even if they had been 28 and 32- they are still his kids, and part of a , supposedly, blended family. You can't blend in just your own kids and let these girls out of a special celebration for their father - what blending that would be.
It would be different if it was a couple thing, - you and your husband going out for a romantic candlelight dinner or going on a cruise or something. But if it is something which YOUR kids will attend- the invitation should be extended to his kids. Just because they have been nice enough to become independent and take themselves off from underfoot and not cramp your style crowing the place more than strictly necessary- it does not mean that they get rewarded ... by getting excluded from family functions !
Ditto for vacation and trips- you should invite your bf's girls too. Inviting is not synomymous with paying- you are not obliged to pay for them if you cannot afford it ( and least of all for theit bfs- bfs are not family ) It's your bf , their father, who should pay . It makes sense, doesn't it- that you share - you pay for your kids, and he pays for his kids. If HE cannot, or does not want, to spring for his kids- well, it's up to HIM telling them : " I would love for you to join us at..., unluckily right now money is tight and I am not in position to cover your costs, but if you still can make it blah blah ". At least he has invited them , then if they don't want to spend money on a family thing , or they don't want to leave without their bfs, or can't convince said bfs to pay their share- that's another story and their problem. Also, as Chigirl says, if you REALLY want to include them and make them feel part of the blended ( or not so blended ? ) family, you have to make allowances and meet them half way, generally people at that age aren't that rich and cannot spend as freely as they'd like, so you , or actually their dad, could offer to pay for food if they pay their own airfare , or some other sort of compromise. Then if they still beg out, fine. But the basic idea would be to do all that's possible to make them feel part of this family, because....well, they ARE , no matter their ages.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 July 2017):
 PS. I read your follow-up that you think this is all about money for them and getting things for free, and how you can not afford it. If your boyfriend wants to treat them, then that is on him to do so. His kids = his expense.
But an invitation does not automatically mean you have to pay. You can invite them along, but also say they must pay their share. They are, after all, adults who are able to pay their own way. When they were under 18 and with no jobs and no ability to earn a living, they didn't pay for these things either. Now they have to. But, you could perhaps make a deal with them and say you pay for the travel expenses, but they must pay for food there etc on their own, or other types of subsidiaries. Because at 18 especially, or even at 22, they probably do not earn a lot and might not afford to go along.
But this, really, is something your boyfriend must talk about with them, not you. It's his kids, so he needs to tell them how the "rules" will work. It needs to come from him, and not from you.
And if you can not afford treating his kids, then simply tell them this. That you invite them, but can not continue to pay for them. But remember to never treat your own kids either then, when they turn 18 and move out....
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 July 2017):
I think you are making this into a bigger problem than it is.
His kids are his kids no matter how old they are. You wouldn't think this way if it was your kids who were 18 and 22 and having moved out of home. You would have invited them along just the same, to the things where it would be appropriate.
Just because they moved out doesn't mean they stopped being part of the family. I understand YOU don't feel like they are part of the family, but remember, you are the new addition here, not them. Yes, they should be invited along.
As for their boyfriends? No. Boyfriends are not family. If they want to come too, fine, but they pay their own way and live separately while on vacation. I would also look over finances and talk about it with your boyfriend, what he thinks about inviting them along and whether or not you should pay for the older daughters or not. That one is on you to decide TOGETHER.
Remember that they are FAMILY. Keep that in the back of your mind. Yes, they should be invited along ALWAYS. They are part of the family, even if they don't live with you. They will never stop wishing to have a family, they will never stop wanting to have a relationship with their father, and they will continue to want to be a part of FAMILY happenings such as dining out and going on vacations.
Then let them decide. Invite them, but if they say "thanks, but no thanks" you go without them. Pick a place that suits your kids desires, if they want to come along why not?
Your post reeks of you wanting nothing to do with them, and I think it's sad. I would be very hurt if my mothers new husband would ever try to prevent me from having family vacations with my mom, or celebrate big events with her and him. It's about being part of a family, after all. And I moved out 15 years ago! Yet I still want to do family things and be a family! That desire never stops, and the need and wish to be invited along will never stop.
It's a whole other matter if you want to go on vacation alone with only your kids. Or if you and your boyfriend want to go alone on a couples only vacation (although I was even invited along with my mom and her boyfriend on their couples vacation, lol, I was happy about the invitation but I declined).
I'm just saying. They will never stop being his kids, and the correct protocol is to never stop treating them like family, because they are family. Always be including and have your arms open for family to join you. Your life will be richer this way. And if you bring them along and pay for them, then you can also say they have to baby sit your younger children while you and your boyfriend get some alone time at a spa or a romantic dinner for two. Think if the benefits of having two adult children along with you, rather than thinking how uncomfortable you feel around them. Perhaps you just need more time with them to get to know them more?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 July 2017):
 Your followup regarding your fiancé's daughter's expectations rang some bells for me. Is your fiancé still unemployed with you picking up the tab for most expenses?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-talk-to-him-about-these.html
If your fiancé wants his daughters, AND their boyfriends, to participate in family holidays and meals and celebrations he can pay for them. If you are paying then his ADULT kids can either pay for themselves or stay home. If he thinks this is unfair he can stay home with his mooching daughters and their partners.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 July 2017):
 Talk to your partner. This is really between HIM and YOU.
IF YOU are the one PAYING for the Disney trip, YOU get to choose who goes.
I have to my parents took a vacation every OTHER year alone without us kids. We spend the time with one of our grandmothers either staying at their place or at the family vacation home or wherever the grandmother planned on going. Normally it was 2 weeks and occasionally 3 weeks if that fits better in all the grown ups plans.
Then every other year we went somewhere as a family (my parents, my brother and myself) AS LONG as we lived at home.
Once my brother and I moved out they vacationed wherever and whenever lol WITHOUT us. Though we did have a couple of family vacations where WE (my brother and I) paid for our own tickets and out parents took care od the house/car rental and food while there.
I don't think there are ANY set rules for what you HAVE to do. Like I said, TALK to your partner. HE will be the one either FINANCIALLY responsible for HIS kids (if he feels they MUST go) and for telling them that you all can go do stuff without THEM and it doesn't diminish how much you all CARE about them.
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reader, countryaly76 +, writes (1 July 2017):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to respond to one of the answers, I have never left his children out because they are older. I have taken them or at least invited them on every vacation and weekend outings that we have taken. I fix dinners at home and invite them and their boyfriends and tell them our doors are always open to them. The 18 year old just moved out in May and she lived with us until then, i have always treated then with kindness and respect, because i love their father. The dinner at the expensive restaurant was the first time this has happened and it worried me and made me start thinking and wondering how to handle vacations and things in the future. I dont mind his children doing things with us at all, Ive actually taken them out and done things with then without their father coming along. The reaction i had over the dinner seemed strange to me and thought maybe their was an issue i wasnt seeing. I always thought that when children became adults and started having lives of their own that it was ok for parents to do things with the children left at home and not have to make sure to invite the older children along every time when they do anything. I mean as far as the Disney World vacation, it is a big trip and I will invite them if That is what i should do. But i cant afford to pay their way and pay for their boyfriends to tag along also, and most of the time that's how it works out, they don't want to do anything unless it is an all expense paid trip for everyone. I simply cant afford that, So when it comes to that should i cancel the trip because i cant afford to make everyone happy or tell them that they are invited and if they want their boyfriends to come along they will have to pay their own way, because, I know they will get mad, because its happened before on a weekend getaway to a water park, they got angry and refused to go unless we paid for their boyfriends and when they refused, their dad got upset because he wanted them to be there and since I didn't have enough to afford it for everyone, we all stayed home. He said it wasn't fair to them. And yes most trips we take i pay for, because he usually doesn't have extra money. But i don't care to pay, I think of us as a family but when something doesn't go exactly as planned, it doesn't feel much like a family.
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reader, jls022  +, writes (1 July 2017):
I can see where they are coming from to be honest. To them, you are trying to incorporate their Dad into YOUR family with YOUR kids while they get left out simply because they are older.
Just because a person is an adult, doesn't mean they don't need their parents or want to feel important to them. I know your kids are younger, but the fact is you are part of a blended family and the kids on both sides should be treated the same.
The only point on which I agree with you is with regards to payment - if his kids are older and working they should pay their way. But to suggest that they shouldn't get an invite and your kids should? Nope fraid not. Not how step families work in my opinion.
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reader, jls022 +, writes (1 July 2017):
I can see where they are coming from to be honest. To them, you are trying to incorporate their Dad into YOUR family with YOUR kids while they get left out simply because they are older.
Just because a person is an adult, doesn't mean they don't need their parents or want to feel important to them. I know your kids are younger, but the fact is you are part of a blended family and the kids on both sides should be treated the same.
The only point on which I agree with you is with regards to payment - if his kids are older and working they should pay their way. But to suggest that they shouldn't get an invite and your kids should? Nope fraid not. Not how step families work in my opinion.
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reader, countryaly76 +, writes (1 July 2017):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe share expenses, sometimes i pay sometimes he does. We have been living in the same house for the past year. His children have expressed that they should be invited to go out with us to all dinners, weekend trips, vacations, anything is which money is being spent. They dont care if it is something my children have like sporting events or school functions. Only if they think my children are getting something and they are not.
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (1 July 2017):
His kids are adults, living in adult relationships, so nooooo you don't have to invite them to join you every time you do something with their father.
Who pays when you go out, you or him? Or do you share the costs? Maybe his kids think any money he has to spend on feeding kids should go to them, not your children.
Would it be of benefit for you all to sit down over coffee and ask them what their concerns are and what their expectations are, especially in light of the fact you will soon be their father's wife and your children will be living in the same house as him.
Talk to them, in a non threatening environment, and if they don't want to talk tell them YOU are taking your children to Disneyworld, and your husband will be accompanying you. For them to expect anything less that this is unrealistic.
Any occasions out to celebrate milestones they can be invited to attend as your guests, in which case you or their father will pick up the tab.
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