A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts. I have been married to my husband for 3 years. Our sex life is not good at all. I was suffering from severe dyspareunia for which I didn't seek treatment for a long time as the thought of a doctor doing a over examination used to scare me. I was scared despite my husband assured me many times. But finally about a month ago we went to see a doctor and found out that my hymen was still intact and that I was having a tight vagina. Our doctor recommended vaginal stretching and a surgery called Fenton's where they cut open my perineum and make the vaginal opening a little bigger. So I decided to undergo the surgery. Now it's been almost 3 weeks and we were advised to have sex after 6 weeks of the surgery. I read a lot about the surgery and am glad that I underwent it. But the thing is last night my husband and I got into an argument and he said some mean things to me. He said he hasn't enjoyed a single day of our sex life because of my stubbornness not to see a doctor sooner. He said I am the only reason for the failures in his life. He is always worrying about our sex life. It was not like our sex life was horrible. We have had good sex. Because of the pain I sometimes used to avoid sex and we would go weeks without it. I feel horrible now. I feel like a failure as a wife. I have done a lot for him, always encouraged him, supported him. Tell me Aunts is sex so important for men? I feel like he will definitely leave me one day because of this reason. He has been supportive and patient about this matter. But from 5-6 months he is complaining quite a lot about how he is not getting enough sex. He is blaming me for our lack of sex life. Sometimes for no reason he becomes moody. When I ask him why he says he doesn't know. I don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post. I really need help.
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hymen, sex life, vagina Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2017): This is OP. Thanks everyone for the replies. You have made me understand the importance of sex to men. I have been unfair towards my husband's feelings. I'm eagerly waiting for my recovery. I don't want my marriage to be over because of this matter. I will try harder. All this while I tried to avoid sex( mainly the intercourse) because of the pain. Hopefully I'lll be able to have wonderful sex with my hubby in a few weeks. Till then I'll try other methods. Thank you so much for the lovely advices.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 July 2017):
 If you're going weeks and weeks without having sex, and you were avoiding having it, and your hymen was still in tact, that means that in the 3 years you've been married, you two have barely been having sex. That *is* a human need...sexual closeness!
Your husband wasn't being mean. He was being truthful, and that's a good thing in a marriage. He was being desperate, because he HAS a need that is very real and shouldn't be diminished or minimized, and the only two people in the world that can help his need is himself by masturbation, and YOU. A sexless marriage is a prison to a person with a healthy sexual drive, because they are driven biologically to sexuality, and if their one good outlet is stifled, all sorts of problems can happen.
Even if you couldn't have intercourse medically, there are so many ways to satisfy a spouse sexually, and that goes both ways! Your clitoris and his penis are still intact, and oral sex is very pleasurable to both people.
There's an emotional component to things as well! Feeling wanted and desired sexually is critical in a relationship, and systematic rejection will harm that relationship. You had your husband locked in a prison, and it's no wonder his feelings toward the matter have built up.
It would have been a lot worse for you if you had learned of your husband's frustration by discovering that he had entered an extramarital affair in response to a lack of sex at home. No one is justified in doing that, but being locked in a horrible sexless prison of frustration and rejection leaves the unwanted spouse vulnerable to temptation he or she otherwise wouldn't give a second thought to.
He got into the argument with you...he said those things to you because he wants sex with YOU! Saying "It's not like our sex life was horrible. We have had good sex" is as useless and ineffectual as saying "We're not starving to death! We ate pancakes 6 months ago." He and you are sex-starved.
Don't look at this as blame and adversary. You and he together can overcome this barrier by any means necessary! Learn the art of sensual massage and approach sex as a new adventure rather than a painful procedure!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 July 2017):
 Sex is important in marriage, period. The fact that you are not having it with your husband is a problem as you can obviously see. That needs to be fixed.
Having said that, yes, to many men sex is critical, especially at age that I'm assuming your husband is - 20s. At that age, a man is loaded with testosterone and other hormones, testes are producing semen at a huge rate and want out. It's a biological thing analogous to bladder: when full it needs emptying, except this is sex. Testosterone is also a mood controller and people who don't have it are depressed and people who do seek attention with it. So just the way he he understands your vaginal issues, being reciprocated in understanding of male urges is critical for a wife.
The upside of your situation is that you should feel gratified that your man wants you, and that he is upset that he isn't getting enough of you. That means you matter to him, that he desires you... and that is valuable and something you need to keep in your mind. The frustrations you are experiencing is absence of him having you. So find a way he can enjoy you more and you him. Try some different sex while you are recovering.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 July 2017):
 "Our sex life is not good at all."
"It was not like our sex life was horrible."
"I sometimes used to avoid sex and we would go weeks without it."
When you are healed, you will have a choice. You can continue to believe that sex isn't important, and that going without for weeks isn't horrible. Or you can make up for lost time. Your decision will let your husband know whether or not you are the partner he needs.
In the meantime there is more than one way to have sex. Enthusiastic participation goes a long way towards ending resentment.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 July 2017):
 I suspect sex is important to your husband because men (in general) need sex to feel loved. You may support him and do things for him elsewhere, but if you keep rejecting him in the bedroom, or not enjoying sex with him, he will feel unloved.
Ironically, women (again, in general) need to feel loved to want sex (physical problems aside, of course). Often the first sign that something is wrong in a relationship is when the woman doesn't want sex and this is often because there are other things seriously wrong in the relationship so she does not feel loved.
Your husband's moodiness and arguments with you are, therefore, likely to be counter-productive if he is wanting to have more sex with you. He needs to make you feel loved (in whatever way works for you - pampering, helping with housework, just being nice) in order for you to actually WANT to have sex with him.
He feels bitter that he has missed out on sex with you because of a medical problem which could have been sorted. However, it is pointless being bitter about things which have gone and can't be changed. The only way now is forward and, in order for you BOTH to enjoy sex together, he needs to stop blaming you for something which was not your fault and which you could not have known. You have sorted it out now and, when the time comes when it is safe for you to have full sex again, you can enjoy catching up on lost time. In the meantime, don't push him away in the bedroom. There are plenty of other ways you can satisfy each other without full intercourse. Now is the ideal opportunity to hone your skills in this area and add to your sexual repertoire. Also don't forget the importance of cuddling and kissing and holding hands. All these things help to keep you close.
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