A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Im off to university in September to study history and am feeling a bit anxious and nervous about making friends. I've had a bit of a bad time growing up and was severely bullied all the way through high school. After highschool rather than going to college I went away and got a job and am now quite succesful at what I do - I want to get myself a degree though and that's why I'm going back to university. I already have a very close knit group of friends and one extremely close best friend, and I dont really tend to go out with anyone outside of that little group. Although I'm excited about going to university, the idea of being back in a situation with lots of people reminds me of when i was at high school and the bullying I went through - Im worried I'm not going to be able to make new friends because of this. My friends say Im just nervous and that I'll be fine, but I still worry. What is the best way to meet new folk and make friends at university?
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female
reader, tick-tick-boom +, writes (13 April 2008):
 Hii!
Dont worry ill be in your situation next year (ill be starting uni, i have only a v close group of friends and ive been bullied all my life)
Going to uni will ofcourse be both exciting and scary. all new experiences are but youll get through it. People at uni are much different from those at school, they are so much more accepting & mature.
If your really shy, like me, fake it. just pretend to be outgoing because you can be a totally different person , nobody will know.
Just get a wee bit more confidence. go out every now and then and just interact with others.
Good Luck! X
A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (13 April 2008):
Hi,
Yours is not an uncommon situation, but you have one great advantage in dealing with this. You have become successful at what you do. The critical factor in making friends and resisting bullying is often self-image and confidence. Bullies tend to be careful about confident people because they do not know how they will react and most bullies are afraid of becoming the target themselves. Often that is what contributed to them being bullies in the first place.
University is not like secondary school. Firstly there are far to many people and with most having different schedules for any small clique to gain social power and dominate the others. Secondly the average intelligence level at uni is higher than at secondary school and so more people are prepared to challenge anyone who gets too bossy. Lastly, the amount of work you have to motivate yourself to do at uni is far more than you ever had to do as secondary school. However, because you have bee working in a regular job for a while, you are actually in the strong position. Let me explain.
At secondary school, the curriculum is quite tightly controlled and the factual information you need is mostly contained in your selected text books and handouts. Furthermore you have a short school year and school days that are well under the 8 or 9 hour working day that is typical these days. On the other hand at university you need to spend about 60 to 90 minutes in personal study for every 60 minutes of class contact that you have. So if you have 16 hours per week of lectures and tutorials you need to spend and additional 16 to 24 hours doing your own research and study and assignments. And this is just to get a reasonable grade. If you want a high grade then more work is required. It is also typical at uni for your text books and handouts to only contain about half to two thirds of the facts you need to know. The rest you need to find for yourself. The course outline will point you in the right direction and will guide you for the overall topics that are relevant, but if you really want a good mark, it takes work and lots of it.
Now do not let all this scare you off. You have been working in the real world at a full time job, so you are used to working 40 to 45 hours per week and for 48 weeks a year. During the time you have been working your work habits and work ethic has changed and matured. As a result you are better placed to be one of the class leaders at uni. I would not be at all surprised if you found that your fellow students came to you for help as you are likely to finish assignments more easily and at a better quality than most. You are less likely to get critically distracted by the social side of uni until after you have done the important stuff like assignments. This is a direct consequence of your experience in the work force.
Now don't get me wrong. It will not be easy. But it will be much easier for you to get and maintain good marks than many of your fellow students who may have come straight from secondary school without having taken time off for a full time job first.
As I have lectured at uni, I can speak about this based on observation and experience.
Perhaps knowing this and reflecting on the added confidence you have about a job well done in your work will give you that extra boost to not let old fears and old timidity slow you down. You can stay as the more confident you and there is nothing that dictates you must somehow slip back into the rut you were in at secondary school.
Feel free to message me if you think I can help, but I am sure that not only will you be okay but you will do well, very well.
Go to it.
One warning though, do be aware that some very intelligent students who do not like to work and may have previously cruised through school, will be interested in distracting those who do work, so as to make themselves feel good. Do not let them win and be selective about who you choose as friends.
All the best.
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