A
female
age
36-40,
*unshine8508
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months now, i asked him if he wants kids with me and he said yes, but I'm wondering what is the average time it takes a couple to move into together? He is making efforts for me he met my mom and sister and for him that was a big step. I know he told me he has trust issues from his past relationship but it's been 6 years now. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 It's different for everyone. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half and we won't be moving in together for a few more months. I'm an an LDR though so my situation might be a bit different.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 What are your prospects for getting "married?" Many people believe that THAT actually PRECEDES moving in to live together and have a family (children).....
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 April 2012):
 There is no standard in length of time. There's just a point when you're ready. If either of you is hesitant or you're just moving in because you feel like it's the next step, you should wait. There's no rush. If you are planning on moving in that means you have reasonable plans to be together for the long haul, meaning that you will still be together in a year or whenever.
Personally I moved in with my partner after 15 months. We had been spending every night together for the past year and were both more than ready/ecstatic to move in and it has worked well.
http://health.howstuffworks.com/relationships/advice/how-to-know-when-ready-to-move-in-together.htm
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 April 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus and everyone on here. Moving in isn't the expected "next step" in a relationship.
My view is that moving in may be a convenience, a cost saving tool, some view it as a "test run" of sorts, and I don't judge anyone who decides to go that route, as many do and it works for some.
However, I'm sensing based on how soon you suggested it (9 months) coupled with your question to him about his wanting children with you that this is a commitment thing. You're wanting a solid future commitment because you want your future to include him in a permanent capacity.
I want to be clear: Domesticity is NOT commitment. Moving in together is NOT commitment. Even having kids together is NOT commitment. The commitment may be to the child, but not each other. You will not get an answer from him on his level of commitment by moving in together. That's like sleeping with a guy to make him love you. Doesn't happen.
You are insecure, and pursuing a move-in this soon (9 months is soon) and especially asking him at 9 months about his wanting kids with you has a bit of a clingy feel to it. You aren't secure in his relationship with you, nor his commitment, and I'm thinking he's keeping you at arm's length and blaming his past relationship for doing so.
You can't push him. You can't get him to commit if he doesn't want to. I know you're feeling this urgency to not waste time, but your pushing for commitment will have the opposite effect. Getting him to move in at 9 months won't give you that security, even if he chooses to do so.
You need to calm down, back off, and respond to that feeling of alarm in a much more beneficial way to you. Instead of responding by "grabbing" and "clinging", decide if those feelings are a valid red flag that he's not going to want that level of relationship, OR if he's simply needing time to be sure. You pressing for that "sureness" will have the opposite effect.
...............................
A
male
reader, Great or Good  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Look here dear things are not the same, and don't expect things to happen like how it happened to your friend or someone you know.
You can move in even a day after meeting, and it works for you and you even live longer until death do you apart.
Where by someone can say I will move on with you after 10th year of dating and breakup a day after moving in together.
You are the one and the only one to decide with your partner when to move on together.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 That depends on the couple. I don't think there is any average time for this, because it variates so much. I moved in after 1 month with an ex. He proposed after 4 months. We split up after around 16 months.
Another one I planned to move in with after a year. It was his suggestion. Then he got cold feet or something and we broke up a week after having looked at apartments, and never ended up living together after all.
The next one I live with for a short period because we both lived in different countries, and staying together at the same apartment when we had the opportunity to just felt natural as we saw each other rarely. This opportunity to live together didn't rise until after a year of being together.
I would say.. the average time couples move in with each other is when they both feel ready to take that step.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): I agree that in your case, the 9 months seems too soon as you would be using the "moving in together" as the "next step" which isn't necessarily that.
Give it time, continue spending time together, getting to know each other even more, spending more time with families and friends and give him the time to feel ready.
There are no averages as the others have said, and in my case, I have and NEVER planned to live with anybody, however within a month or two of dating my guy, when he asked me to move in with him, I did it without blinking. Why? When you know, you just know! We have such a great relationship, it's as if we are married from the start. We are very similar in our interests and hobbies, and where I'm fiery, he is consistent, so we really complement each other's personalities. Many people warn or complain about the issues of moving in together, or married life, yet we have had none of those issues. Nothing the other does irritates the other one. We both get along in the kitchen, our tv viewing, our bedroom activities and sleep. It's just a wonderful gel of two people, who are one, but still individuals with their own friends too, and sharing of families and time. I could not ask for anything better. We are beyond the honeymoon phase for those that think I'm viewing all through rose-tinted glasses. We are almost 2 years together, and I've experienced more growth and experiences with him in that short time, than with others in 5 years + of that.
So enjoy the flow of your relationship, and when the time is right, both of you will feel ready to take the next step. Be it moving in together, getting married & that family you so want ;-)
Good Luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): 18 months to 2 years is my average. I always wait for the honeymoon period to end first. Once the "can't keep away from each other, sex every ten minutes, still trying to impress and get to know each" phase dies down into that comfortable, loving companionship phase that's when I know it's time, that's pretty the time when you really start to get to know each other, everything before that is rose tinted in a romantic haze. To me that's the only time you truly know whether you really don't mind those annoying little day-to-day habits a person has or whether you were just ignoring them because the feelings were so intense.
OP for some reason I've never felt that moving in together as a "next step" in the relationship is a good idea. They're usually the ones that end up killing each other because they're usually doing it in order to appease one person's need to feel a progression in the relationship. A sort of progression that's more like a fix to a problem with commitment and security than it is a practical situation. It seems to me that's why you're considering this, you kind of want to hurry him along to a point of commitment where you already are and you think living together will solve that, and perhaps solve his trust issues. I have to agree with Kc OP. He's only barely met your mom and sister, moving in together is not going solve any trust issues, it may actually make things far worse. He's taking things slowly, so you're going to have be patient. You see trust issues can very easily mean jealous and possessive, he may already exhibit signs of those traits and living together would not make those better in fact it makes them 10 times worse.
He'd be there 24/7 to question where you're going and with whom, you may end up just choosing to stay home instead of going out with your friends because you want to appease him, having you and all your belongings there all the time may make him see things like messages on your phone or Facebook that may lead him to think the wrong thing. And OP if he's only barely gotten to the stage where he's met your mom and sister how's he going to handle your friends and family coming over the visit in his own private space?
Take some more time OP and be patient. 9 months and he still has trust issues is a big red flag to me especially seeing as it's been 6 years. That to me makes no sense and sounds to me like he calls it trust issues but what is really going on is he's jealous and possessive. I could be wrong, maybe he never questions where you've been, maybe he never makes snide jokes about you getting with guys when you're out with your friends, maybe he doesn't text you a lot to check up on you when you're out at a club with your friends and maybe he has absolutely no problem with you having being close friends with other guys or long time ex's.
In my opinion OP I think you should completely forget moving in together as a thing at all until he's gotten to that level of comfort where meeting your family is not a "big step" it's not a step at all. You need to also give yourself a lot more time to get to know the real him and whether he is just the jealous overbearing type. Because I've heard that trust issues excuse a million times and he shouldn't really have any trust issues with you in particular after 9 months.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 9 months is quite soon, you dont know each other that well just yet so I wouldnt expect to move in with him just yet.
There is no 'average' as such, for each couple it is different. But in my opinion you really shouldnt be moving in with someone until you have been together at least a year, because moving in together is a massive comittment and you need to be 100% sure about each other before you make this move.
Give it a few more months and see how things are going - if he has trust issues from the past then he is going to be the sort of guy you have to take things slow with. But if you love him and genuinely do want to marry him and have children then he will be worth the wait.
Dont force him into something he is ready for, let the relationship go at its own pace and see how it is going in a few months time. If you try and rush him it will backfire and you will end up losing him, so be patient and take it slow. He will appreciate you so much more if you take this slowly.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
