A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So ive been with my current bf a year and this is my first serious relationship and we live together. He however is a divorcee who has been in several committed realtionships. (He is a decade older than me.)Ive been seriously debating whether to continue with the relationship or not, its not the age difference that bothers me, its just the way he patronizes me and says I dont really understand what a relationship is really about, as I am younger and this is my first serious relationship. He always says this when we argue. But doesnt his divorces and failed relationships say more? The relationship has been strained somewhat as I was made redundant at Christmas and have been looking for a job ever since, I have a couple of interviews this week i have a strong feeling about. He makes me feel really bad about this, I resorted to selling my computer and gave him the money to settle his credit card bill. He says I am inclined to give him money as I live there to, and I agree, but he complains about having no money but still manages to go out with his friends once a week and go out for the odd meal even though I havent seen my friends in months. Maybe I am being unfair. I suppose I dont deserve a penny as I dont contribute to the house, although I do get some support from my parents and tend to give him all of it. But this weekend I began to seriously doubt us. I was quite ill with a chest infection all week. We planned to go watch football all day in the pub and go to a party one of his friends was having afterwards. I left me unwell on the sofa while he went out with his friends and then came back for a shower and went to the party. He said he would only be an hour and I called him 3 hours later asking him to come home, i was upset he had left me and i wanted to talk. We had an argument, he came back asking if i was happy i ruined his night. I tried to calmly speak to him and say I was upset he didnt think to come home early to take care of me. This isnt the first time hes ditched me for his friends when ive been unwell. He said he wouldnt put up with me trying to control him like his exs and that i didnt deserve to go out because i dont work.Im worried, is it me ? Should I just deal that this is because of the strain of my unemployment and feel lucky hes still with me or is he just being really selfish? Im really unhappy :(
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 Here, read these for a look at other people in a similar situation to yours financially:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-is-financially-dependent-on-me-will.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-bf-doesnt-work-and-i-pay-all-the-bills.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girlfriend-is-starting-to-ask-my-help.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-is-financially-dependent-on-me-will.html
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 Chigirl, I totally agree with you on principle, perhaps a bit less in practice.
I think that some flexibility is always helpful in any situation.
The OP lost her job at Xmas, not even 4 months ago, it's not exactly ages. She HAS been seeking employement, at least so she told us, she has two interviews this week . She gave him all the money she could rack up from other sources ( her computer, her parents ). She tries to contribute the best she can.
I understand he may be worried and annoyed, but he surely does not show himself as a generous person or a caring partner. It's not a matter of " owing " , technically and legally he does not owe her anything, agreed, but, stretching this reasoning, then he should have to let her starve to death because she can't afford her own food. Or maybe, just give her the bare minimum for survival- bread and water. But never a slice of cheese or a fruit or a cup of coffee , because she did not work for these extras..
Fact is, that when you care about a person, you don't want to see him/her struggle and do without , it bothers you. So you don't mind giving an occasional and reasonable hand if only it's possible. Sure if she wants to change her whole wardrobe or get a new hairdye- she will have to wait until she can pay for it by herself. But I don't think that a loving, caring partner would begrudge her a couple of drinks or a meal out once in a blue moon.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 April 2012):
I find it hard to believe that the majority of you think the girl in a relationship has a right to expect her boyfriend pays her way when she is not working. And to demand pocket money as well. That is called free riding. I don't think this girl has any intention of paying him back. She certainly isn't planning on supporting him financially should HE ever get unemployed, because she's about to leave him. So it just goes one way. She takes, and he gives, and she dumps him because he doesn't give enough.
Of course he doesn't see her as his equal. One, because he isn't mature himself so he thinks his age alone gives him a right to belittle her. Two, because she acts like his daughter and not like his equal.
It is childish to expect everyone else to pay your way when you are an adult. Adults need to make their own money. Children are the ones who can expect to be paid for. Not adults. If you want a boyfriend to treat you as his equal then you need to also BE an equal. Which means you need to fend for yourself and be able to support yourself. Asking for help at a difficult time in your life is one thing, demanding it and taking it for granted is quite another.
Couples are not expected to pay the others way, or share their income with their partner, until they are married.
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A
female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 Time to bail on this one sweetpea. He sounds terrible. Go and be with people who are supportive and caring. Once you are back on your feet you will feel much better and stronger able to make better choices. This idiot sounds like he is going to suck your energy and continue to be horrible :(
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Hunny if you have to ask then im sure u already know he is no good for u. Alo of ppl r out of work but then y shuld u be punished in that way, by being kept from your friends and denied money, he is treating you like child and honestly sounds like a pig of a man! Yes u shud contribute to the house but not with every single penny you own expeshally the money your parents give you. I would et rid of him, move back in with ur parents and when your happier and more confident you will get that great job and hopefully the great guy u deserve.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 I think it's kind of obvious why he started dating a younger woman. The guy IS immature and very unsupportive. And he is NOT seeing you as an equal. He's got all the "power" and for the last 4 months all the money too. So basically he is in control.
I would honestly throw in the towel and move home with your parents til you can get back on your feet and get a place of your own or find a room-mate situation.
I don't think this guy is doing you ANY favors. Did you two sit and make a budget when you worked? For rent, petrol, phone, food, electricity and so forth? And if you did, does the money your parents give you cover this?
I assume you moved in with him, in a place HE already had? So if that is the case he SHOULD be totally capable of paying the full costs, but I DO understand why he expects you to chip in as well. 4 months of paying all the bills can be a strain. So I won't call him a total jerk.
I do understand that if you don't make any money, you can't SPEND any either.
I have been in a relationship where we a fist both worked, then my BF lost his job and I picked up the slack for a good 5 months. It wasn't easy, but we made it work. Why? Because we were equals.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 April 2012):
 The guy you described is the quintessential self-centered little boy who is ecstatic to have landed a "G/F" such as you.... one who is naive enough to ask the question: "...(Im worried,) is it me ? "Of course it's "not you".... BUT, in order for him to continue his philandering, he needs YOU to continue being his wiping mat.....YOU have two choices:1. Continue as things have been, until they become SO unbearable that you, finally, figure out how one-sided it is (on HIS behalf) and leave..., or,2. You figure out NOW that things are unbearable, and they will continue to get MORE unbearable, until you, finally, figure out how one-sided it is (on HIS behalf) and leave......Wish I could offer you some sort of "third" choice... but, believe me, there ain't one....Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): Quite honestly it doesn't sound much of a relationship. Don't agonize, end it and move out. You are young and have so much ahead of you. Don't settle for something that clearly is not perfect at the outset. Expect more for yourself and do not put up with shabby treatment. You can bet things are not going to change and are likely to get worse in time. Ship out.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 April 2012):
 As a supporter of age gap relationships I can tell you that this one is not a good idea. I don’t think its really the age difference as much as how he treats you. And perhaps he treats you the way he does because he views you as young… which is his error…
I am 13+ years older than my partner. I have had several divorces and he has had few relationships even at 38… and yet I would never treat him like a child…which is what your “partner” is doing.
IF you are home sick and you generously tell him to go out and have fun, he should not take advantage of that.
It’s not you, it’s him, but I strongly suggest you go home to your parents' home if possible.
I don't agree with Chigirl that couples that live together have separate finances totally... I subscribe to the 'what's mine is yours what's yours is mine' once we live together belief... but then that doesn't work for everyone.
I'd leave him dear one... he will rant and rave, he may even tell you how immature you are to bail on him, but in truth walking away from a bad relationship shows great maturity.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Well, you are rather foolish to give him all your money to help him pay his credit cards, especially when you don't have a job; not to mention moving in with him when you've known him barely a year. As if that wasn't bad enough, but he's divorced, been in "several committed relationships" none of which apparently worked out - or he wouldn't be with you, now would he?
He sounds very self-centered, spending a lot of time with his friends when you were not feeling well.
It concerns me that you are putting yourself down to such an extent ("I'm worried, is it me?").
I encourage you to see if you can move back in with your parents at least until such time as you are established in a job, have accumulated some savings and a decent checking account, enough to be able to find or share an apartment of your own.
As for not being experienced with relationships, you should look for someone whose company you enjoy; who is considerate, courteous, supportive and kind. A man worth being with will not come on too strong and try to rush you into anything at an early stage - i.e., sex, moving in together. Nor will he ask you for a "loan" because "I'm a bit short right now."
It's one thing to offer to pay your share if you go out for a meal or trip somewhere, however. Finding someone likeable who you feel comfortable with, and have things in common with (outlook on life generally, interests, etc.) Not necessary to be in agreement on EVERYTHING, OR to be together 24/7! We all have our own lives to live and two people both need time on their own and to see other friends, interests, do chores, go to work, etc.!
And yes, there should be mutual attraction - but remember, infatuation and starry-eyed stuff doesn't last. In fact, getting carried away with it can and does blind you as to whether a man and you are a good match!
You did say - or at least I got the impression - that you don't have a lot of experience with relationships, so forgive me if the above is redundant.
Finally, I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Go home, ask your parents if you can move back home until you get back on your feet with a job etc.
I agree you do seem to have moved in with him before waiting to see what sort of man he is, you should pack up your stuff and leave him to his own stingy, selfish ways.
Sure, I agree you need to help with living costs, but for you to sell your computer, nahhh, was that really necessary?
He doesn't seem to care for you much, nothing in your question suggests that he does care, he didnt care you were sick, he doesnt care you are looking for employment, all he wants to do is rub your nose in your circumstances.
You have no reason to stay, and hundreds to leave. Go!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 April 2012):
"its not the age difference that bothers me, its just the way he patronizes me and says I dont really understand what a relationship is really about, as I am younger and this is my first serious relationship."
Correction: it IS the age difference that is the problem. With him that is. He can't handle the fact that you are younger than him in a mature manner, but feels superior to you, and patronizes you. The age difference is what creates this problem, as he might act differently if he is with someone he deems to be his equal. You are not his equal, in his eyes, because of your age.
"he complains about having no money but still manages to go out with his friends once a week and go out for the odd meal even though I haven't seen my friends in months. "
How he chooses to spend his money is entirely up to him. You being broke and not having seen your friends is no reason why he shouldn't be allowed to see his friends. You and him have separate economies. He gets to prioritize his money the way he sees fit, and you prioritize the way you see fit. Not all couples have the same financial priorities. If it comes to a point where he can not pay his share of the bills, then you need to stop living together.
If you do not pay rent then you do not have a right to complain about not having money, because you live for free at his place. How this is supposed to be is that you pay rent! Set up a proper agreement, on paper, if you don't already have one, where it is stated just how much you will pay every month. Then the both of you sign the contract and stop selling computers to pay of credit cards.
If you need money then get a job. Your boyfriend is not your money-supply. Your boyfriend does not owe it to support you financially, and just having you live for FREE at his place is actually a huge contribution to your financial well-being, as you are saving a load of money by not paying.
How do you pay for food? Do you have ANY income at all? If you get support from your parents then pay your part of an agreed RENT with that money. If you happen to get money left then you can spend that money how you wish. If money from your parents is not enough to support you then your boyfriend is seriously giving you a free ride by paying for the roof over your head and the food you eat every day. If so he is doing way more than his obligations as a boyfriend. But perhaps this is the very reason why he treats you as a child and himself as the parent: if he is the one who pays for you all the time and you have no economic independence then you play the part of his daughter and not his equal.
I think.. all in all... I understand where you are coming from. This isn't easy for you. But your boyfriend is doing you a big favour and you do not appreciate it. You take it for granted that he works for YOU BOTH and supports YOU BOTH financially. You take this so much for granted that you complain about how he gets to go out and have fun and you don't. But you are the one who is unemployed, not him. You need to start realizing that just because you are out of work doesn't mean HE has any obligation to share everything with you. You think he prioritized friends over you? But he pays your way. He uses his money primarily on YOU. Not on friends. Do you have any idea how much money he gives away every month on YOU?
In fact, if you were my girlfriend I wouldn't have you stay at my place for free even. I wouldn't buy food for you. I'd let you fend for yourself, or stay with your parents, or go to social welfare. Because I am no charity institution, yet you treat your boyfriend like one.
Sure, he isn't the perfect guy, and there are things he shouldn't do, or things he could do better. But you need to start building your independence and get a job before your unemployment, and neediness, ruin this relationship. I think your boyfriend cares for you way more than most would, seeing how much he looks after you. You complain that he is not there when you are sick, but you are unemployed, and I can promise you: He is there for you every day when he lets you stay at his place for free. Not all people would do that. In fact, few would. And you do not appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): So you are penniless, struggling to find work and told you dont deserve to go out. You dont get help when you are ill. You are being made to feel badly about yourself and you are being patronized. Why are you there?
Hes probably hoping he is right and since this is your first serious relationship, you dont/cant really know what relationships are about. He probably relied on that when he met you and assumed he could secure you easier than a more experienced woman, who would send him on his way quick smart at the first sign of his dubious ways!
If I were you, I would go home to your parents, find work from there and leave this man to his own devices. He has too much baggage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): Oh dear, what a pickle your in. This is a new relationship and already you are living with him.You are only beginning to get to know the real man that he is and hes a man who wants to do what he wants and to hang with the rest of you.His comments made about his exes should be a warning to you. He is not going to change and all he cares about are his needs. Hes not supportive of you.I would urge you to move out and leave him to his own devices. I was in a relationship like this and the ex was never with out a woman. He knew how to lay on the charm when it suited just to keep me thinking he cared. In the end he only care about being alone and not have the token young thing on his arm. He moved onto some rich young thing after me. Just days after he dumped me because i mentioned that i need more concideration on his part. He said i was too needy and that he wasnt going to be controlled. Im glad we are over but i did really fall for his lies and charm. Please take it from me dump him before he dumps you.
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