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female
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anonymous
writes: i would like to know from anyone who knows how is it like to live with someone who is an alcoholic but can carry himself well when drunk. The reason i ask cos i think i have fallen for someone who drinks a lot (but make perfect sense while chatting) and is a perfectly normal and decent guy otherwise. Would appreciate some opinions.
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female
reader, harvester  +, writes (31 May 2013):
I am very much taking the advice...run like hell. Have just ended a relationship, 14 months with someone who told me they had conquered their alcohol problem, who had clearly not. When sober they were the funniest loving person I had ever met and I quickly loved him deeply. I also thought i had met my soul mate. However when drinking, which was whenever he had money, he would go on day long binges, not contact me, become nasty and verbally and physically aggressive and lie. It was like going out with two different men. I begged him to stop and gave him all my support, but yes he loved drink more than he loved me. I feel like a broken person. I have realised I was not really happy with him and have forgotten what it is like to enjoy myself. My self esteem has taken a battering. I know he will only get better if he wants to and he does not atm. Hence I have run....... but i still miss the sober man and this has broken my heart. NEVER AGAIN
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 My father is an alcoholic and he was everything iamgymrat describes but he was also violent. And living with him was every bit a nightmare and some. Police and Children's Aid were called in and I was placed in foster care.
There was the walking on egg shells, the being blamed for everything, the having to stay up to make sure he didn't pass out and burn the house down while he was cooking himself a midnight meal. There was the horror of hearing someone I knew had run into him at a bar. There was the cleaning food off the walls after one of his drunken rages. And the stress I had in the car with him after he'd had a few. Then there was the year I spent having to taxi him about because he'd lost his licence (I especially loved the driving instructions being shouted at me by someone who'd lost his driving priviledges because he had more tickets and accidents than I had fingers).
Then there was the praying that he just wouldn't come home.
That's what my life was like living with an alcoholic.
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female
reader, iamgymrat  +, writes (19 September 2012):
Living with an unrecovered alcoholic is a nightmare. They make you feel like you are living in the twilight zone. Everytime there's conflict, it's your fault. Everytime there's an issue, you're reaction to what he did or didn't do is THE PROBLEM, not that HE caused the problem. YOU are the problem, your reaction is the problem. They will twist things around, they manipulate, they lie, they are know-it-alls, they have no coping mechanisms. They rarely follow through, they isolate, procrastinate and blame you. You walk on egg shells, you pick and choose your words, you hold your breath never knowing what the reaction will be.They are selfish and self centered. They lack empathy.They lash out. They will always think that YOU are the problem. My advice: Get out if you are in this type of relationship, it errodes your self esteem, self worth and trust.
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female
reader, suey +, writes (7 February 2012):
Hi I live or was living with ( until last week)someone just as you describe. I have done it for 5 years although the first two he wasn't drinking, after being in hospital and nearly dieing. I also fell for him hook line and sinker, he is the best person I have ever met, which makes it all the more sad and more difficult. We have had several times when we have parted for a short time and then got back together. I think this time it will be for good, usualy he keeps in touch through text. but this time nothing. Even though I know its the best thing to do it hurts like hell. But I will get over him, I don't know what will happen to him. Maybe one day he will meet someone who he can settle with and stop drinking, good luck to him. The thing is you may like me think you can change him/help him stop but the truth is you have no chance, sorry but its true it has to be for themselves they stop and no matter how many times they promise it will just go on and on.I would say to you get out while you can before you becime to hooked or like him trying to give up drink, you will be trying to give up him. If you are already hooked then good luck.
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female
reader, suey +, writes (5 February 2012):
Sorry me again, when you think about it, its a form of mental abuse living with an alcoholic. The constant promises, nearly getting there only for them to fall off the wagon again. Your constantly built up to be let back down again and again.
Just a thought!
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female
reader, suey +, writes (5 February 2012):
Living with an alcoholic is hell, most of the time and sometimes great.I met my partner around 5 years ago, he initial told me he had, had a drinking problem but it was behind him now, I had no reason to doubt him. He drank shandy that first night and I thought nothing of it. After a short time I began to realise he had a big problem, but I was hooked. He is a great guy the best person I have ever met, we got on like a house on fire, laughed at the same things (he is very witty) same politics etc, etc. I thought I had found my sole mate. Anyway be became very ill and was rushed to hospital and I was told he may die; I had only known him 8 months but thought the world of him. When he came out of hospital (detoxed) I suggested he came to stay with me while he recovered. And here he stayed, he didn't drink, everything in the garden was rosy! This carried on for 2 years or more, how happy I was and I am sure he was too. He went to college and is now in his final year at university. But came the day he started drinking again, he seemed different but didn't smell of drink so I was unsure, I asked him what was wrong and said if I didn't know different I would have thought he had been drinking, eventually he confessed that he had but he wouldn't do it again. Well I guess you know the rest it gradually became more and more. We have been on the verge of splitting up many times, he then curtails his drinking telling me he will stop but it must be in his own time and leave him to it and don't NAG. So I don't I stay quiet and at first I can see an improvement and as this goes on I start to feel happy again and my love for him returns, only to be shattered when goes back to his usual drinking habits, and mixing with other alcoholics. At the moment he has gone again (hence me writing this) I know I must sever the ties completely, but it is so hard, inside is the great person that I love dearly but out comes this demon who is nasty, boring and puts me down. I have told him I love the real him, but the other one I detest. I am sure he loves me but the trouble is he loves drink more. A friend once said to me you can compete against another woman but not drink how true her words were. Sorry to go on and on but as you will know it is difficult to share this with people you know, (cover for him) I don’t want them to know what a mess my life is in. If nothing else this has helped me just writing it down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): My boyfriend is an alcoholic, we have been together for 18 months. I guess I also saw the signs in the beginning but I made excuses. I wish that I had run away months ago... I have tried to break up with him on several occasions but he promises to change and I believed him. The truth is that he will never change. Drink will always come first. He will pick an argument so he can go on a binge and then I wouldn't see him for 2-3 days. He is depressed and anxious, my life has evolved around him for so long... that I am now on the verve of being depressed. I need to run away as fast as I can.. reading this article has made me realise that I am not going crazy (at times i really think i am) but this disease will never go away.. It is sad because I do love him but I am losing myself staying.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): Living with an alcoholic is living hell. No one who is an alcholic handles himself well. Don't let the false front convince you what a great guy he is. He has a disease that only he can cure. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Take it from someone who knows.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): I met someone recently and I didnt realise he was an alcoholic, I just thought he drank too fast, so we started off he was to pace himself, that didnt work. Then he went on a months detox his choice, 3 weeks later I found him off his face. When sober we chatted about it, he agreed he had a problem and would go for help and not drink, what I didn't realise was he didnt think he had a problem and was nodding to my face and sneaking drinks behind my back, that didnt work as I found him again off his face on beer and vodka, he had also cut himself. When sober he admitted he had been sneaking drinks and didnt realise he then had a problem but does now. Finally he got help and managed 6 weeks sober but I didn't have a life as I would bearly leave his side, and was constantly worrying and nagging him, so I ended it due to the stress of it all, he then relapsed. We got back together based on I don't nag him to get help he does it off his own back, he can relapse but he is to be honest No lies. Also boundaries I only see him twice a week. I knew a couple of days ago he had been drinking again, he denied it, i even put his slurred speech and movements down to sun stroke. Finally i caught him again having a sneaky beer. Now i have ended it for good? I hope, I dont hope. very mixed emotions, very early stages of a relationship but put aside the alcohol we click, we laugh, we get on, he is a lovely boyfriend, strangly enough one of my better ones, but then we have this huge black cloud over us called alcohol which makes him lie and sneak around. I said if you are not doing this for you and want to keep drinking just be honest. His answer is Iam 60 percent doing this for me but I also don't want to lose you. is 60 percent enough? I dont feel so it needs to be at least 90 percent to be successful surely.When I was in the relationship I was drained and now Im still drained, still obsessed reading websites like this trying to get answers to make right decisions. he hasn't contacted me since(happened 3 days ago) because as i caught him he cant lie his way out of it so he knows its over, little does he know how weak im feeling and the love I have for him might make me make a rash decision. hence sitting here reading this website with mainly RUN while you can. Its given me abit of strength, lets hope it gives me wisdom too.My boyfriend was a daily drinker, started at the pub and then at home mainly beer and vodka, mainly after work from 4pm onwards.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): I have read through many of these answers and it has helped me massively to confirm what i have been doubting that i have did the best for me and for him.
I met him a couple of years ago and he did tell me he had been an alcoholic and had not had a drink for four years. i believed him and we started dating. i ignored the signs right from the start. his excuses for being late or not turning up. his extreme behaviours of being all or nothing. his pleas that he loved me so much. his many stories that i believed and that i soon started to doubt.
we didnt live together but i lived in hell most of the time. anxious, depressed not knowing what was happening. i was in denial for a while until i had the guts to ask him if he was drinking again. now looking back it was flippin obvious but its hard to see it when your in it as you will all know.
the constants let downs, feeling that i was losing who i was. when he admitted to drinking i thought we had a chance. but sadly we never did. i have two sons and i was feeling torn apart. feeling responsible for him and yet knowing while i was with him my children were not with me. it wasnt a long time that i could not do that anymore. thankfully i got out of it last year when we had got back together after a break and then the same excuses started again.
thing is i feel guilty to this day that i abandoned him. that i let him down. that i didnt help him but i couldnt. im working on this but i feel different..im not the same. maybe its for the better... i hope to one day feel i can trust myself to be in a relationship again and trust them. right now im taking my time for me. there is still alot to let go of.
it was all about him and his own needs and that is not what i want for myself or my children.
so i dont know anyone who has a happy ending to being with an alcoholic the whole experience has scarred me. im not angry with him anymore, i have been through so many emotiions of grief and loss. im starting to see a light.
i wish all of you the best and that even if you choose to stay that you learn to love yourselves and take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): I livewith such a person he carries himself so well sometimes he even makes me doubt myself ( he has me asking myself is it me with the problem) but i know its not. after seven years of dissapointments and let downs always coming second best to his abuse of drink i went to see a terapist he is the one abbusing drink but it is killing me. after a few weeks she made me realize i was not going mad.. it was him, he and his drinking problem had screwed me into the ground, he had made me weak, confused, he over the years had manipulated me. drinkers are very very clever they do not love you . . they only love what you do for them. they are bullies i so wish i had never took up with him . . run for the hills if you get the chance and never look back . trust me we deserve better. drinkers should not enter relationships as they are selfish people who only consider their own needs . run...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): Three words can describe living with an alcoholic: A Living Nightmare. My stepfather was a recovering alcoholic so many times...it never seems to end. My mother has almost left him 2 times and I think this time she has really had it. Her and I never have had time to relax in our own house. Constant fights with him, walking on eggshells, and never having time to have fun. The trauma is still with me to this day. I have nightmares about him relapsing. I have constant fears that it will resort back to the beginning. Unfortunately, my fears have come true. He has relapsed. Luckily, I am away at college now and don't have to be at the house constantly. However, I feel guilty for leaving my mother there. I feel like I abandoned her. I love my mother very much and really hope she finally moves out in the next few months. My mother is the sweetest, most nurturing and kindest woman I know. She would never try to hurt me or my sister. However, I do not want her to move out for me. I want her to do it for her. She needs to enjoy herself and relax for a little bit. I really hope it all turns out okay.....for anyone else who grew up in an alcoholic household, I really feel your pain. It's never easy. I know that it is a disease and he needs help, but he doesn't want help. I detest him and hope that he realizes what he is losing. His family.
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reader, movingon40 +, writes (15 August 2010):
I didn't realize that my boyfriend was an alcoholic for a long time. I was so naive I thought if it was just beer then it wasn;t alcoholism. He was never violent or abusive but the pain was indescribable and even now that we are broken up and not speaking I still feel like I am "broken" for lack of a better word. I always wonder what kind of secrets people are hiding that don't come out in the beginning. There was a lot of sweetness and love and intimacy but there was also a roller coaster of broken promises, distance and questions as to whether he could be in a relationship or love anyone. Mainly, I realize now there was so much selfishness. Everything was about what he wanted and needed and since he was the alcoholic I let my needs and interests fall very much by the wayside. Behavior that is dysfunctional starts to feel normal and depression appears to be a commen side effect. I had some of the deepest darkest depressing I could imagine and didn't even realize why. I am still healing but it doesn't matter how much you love an alcoholic or how much they love you they are just not wired emotionally like non-alcoholics and this I truly believe. Good luck to you.
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reader, Keep it simple +, writes (21 July 2010):
I left my alcoholic husband almost a year ago. This is the second time. I am seeing an attorney tomorrow. I think God so much for bringing me to my bottom. Living with an addict is horrible. I have lost so much of my life being consumed with trying to help him. I now realize just how sick I have become. I just turned 47, I used the exact words as another has posted. I might have 23 more good years left and this is most certainly not a dress rehearsal. My husband doesn't even want to go for help and try to work things out. I am done with not having a life. When you live with an alcoholic there are things you can count on, being lied to over and over again, never being on their priority list, chaos, my husband never wanted to do anything with me unless it involved drinking and losing yourself thinking that you can change them or help them. I forgot to mention the financial devestation. I am so grateful for Al-Anon. I have been in recovery for over a year now. I am so glad that I am moving on. I have forgiven my husband and I am no longer angry with him. I am stepping out of his way so he can live as he sees fit. I am finally living and not existing. I wish everyone the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010): I can relate to the male who posted here today. First word of advice. Don't get involved with someone you "think" has a drinking problem. You are opening up yourself to lot of heartache. I am 50 and have been with my partner for 19 years (8 1/2 married)and we have a 14 year old son. It is a second marriage for us both. When I met my husband, he had been sober for 14 years. I was so impressed with the fact that he was able to do something that my Mom hadn't....live a a sober life. We were married for 4 years when he started talking about drinking again. he figured after 26 years of sobriety , he could handle drinking again. I fought against it and told him that if he started again, he would be dependent just like before. Then, one night after a local carnival, he stopped and asked me to go into a local bar and get a six pack. When I said "no" he went in and bought it himself. My life has been a roller coaster ride since. He even told our Dr. that he has no idea what made him think he could drink and be "o.k.".And said to him, "I'm an alcoholic. I can't drink." We have had many health scares from his drinking and he even had a stay in ICU but every time I think he has seen the light he starts again. The last time he started again, he never stopped. That was 2 !/2 years ago. His son (also an alcoholic) brought over some beer to share with his Dad when he knew I wasn't home and, that his Dad wasn't supposed to be drinking (Dr.s orders). And we have been on a see-saw ever since. My heart is broken. He is on several medications besides and I am afraid I will come home and find him dead someday. I have seen a lawyer and sought advice. I want to leave but, I am so saddened by having another marriage fail and at the same time, I feel like I am a bad Mother to my son for staying. We both care about him but, we never know what mood he will be in... the nice drinker or the nasty one. I also am sad that I have lived most of my life unhappy and now have some stress induced health problems. I also had spent time in the mental health ward because of him. I can remember him telling the nurses in ICU that he will never drink again because I would leave but, here I still am. And I don't know if it's that he doesn't care or he just figures I'll stay. BTW the best part is we met running EMS and he is an EMT full-time although he doesn't drink on the job and stops the night before well ahead of his shift. But, I also see him starting to have memory loss from it. I pray for him and us all the time but the prayers are not touching him.If no one reads this, I at least feel better for having wrote it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): The question - 'What is it like to live with an alcoholic ?' The answer - 'A nightmare. I am male and have lived with my female partner for 19 years now, we started out in 1991. From my point of view, the first about 8 years were good ones. Somehow though, it has all now deteriorated so badly and it has affected me so much. Over the last 3 years I have experienced extreme depression and I believe that although there have been other factors that contributed to the depression, the drinking on her part played a big part. I am now recovering myself - well enough to think clearly, to plan and to write this. I am at the stage when I THINK I am going to leave, although I'm not positive quite yet. We jointly own a very nice house - I've paid the morgage off, so financially I will be ok - I'd have to get a much smaller house etc and lose the financial security I currently have, but I think that is preferable to staying. Her drinking makes no sense to me at all. She can give no real reason for it. I'm sick of the lies, the deceipt, the hiding of bottles both full and empty, the ridiculous behaviour, the aggression, the uncalled for jealousy, the loss of memory - I could continue but it may get tiresome. She refuses all professional help. I'm 49 years old and generally think of life to about 70 - I know alot of us live much longer now, but that's how I think. So I have roughly 20 more years. I have read what it's like to live with an alcoholic and experienced it too. Even if she were to stop drinking completely, with medical help, councelling and the full works, I'm not now sure that I can go through life with her anymore. It has driven a massive wedge between us and I just feel differently now. Up until about 4 years ago I'd have said 'Yes, I love her', but now - no. I care for her and don't want to hurt her by leaving, but I think I must do that. We are only here once, life is not a dress rehearsal as they say. To cap it all, I have read some articles that suggest that living with a recovering alcoholic is almost as bad as a fully drinking one. That doesn't give me too much hope if I stay. This affects so many others too - my elderly parents, my children, joint friends - I know they'll all be shell shocked if I leave, as they do not know about the drink - I hide the truth. Her parents have died, she has no children herself - her only family member is one brother, who is also an alcoholic. I wonder if my circumstances ring a bell with any other readers...... Good luck to you all, whatever your decisions.
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reader, shikar +, writes (22 May 2010):
I have been dating an alcoholic for almost two years. He spends much of the time at my house and so, it is almost like living together. However, I have been always careful that he understood that this was MY home and not his. Still, getting him to leave when he was out of control was next to impossible. My life has been nearly non stop chaos and pain during this time. Police and prisons and verbal abuse, punctuated by intimacy and closeness, support and love the likes of which I've never known. I thought I could help him. That my love would overcome his need for the alcohol. But, I don't believe the alcohol is the crux of the problem. The problem is one which I don't yet understand, but it is clearly deep rooted psychological illness. Last night, was the worst night of my life: I told him that I was not up for this; that if he didn't stop it, as he'd promised from jail in his many, many love letters, that I would have no part of it; no matter how hard, I would break away. He spent the entire night verbablly abusing me. It was an assualt in which he made it clear that he hated women, and despite being deathly ill with food poisneing, he would not let me sleep. He is the most selfish man I've ever met and thinks it's all a big joke. The only way to get him to calm down was to tell him that I loved him, which I do, and that it was all going to be alright, but I had every intention of getting him out in the morning. I called his father to get him out, but his mom intervened and said `no', that she believed her son was dangerous and belonged in prison. I think his hatred of women will lead someday to murder. I told him this morning that `it was over' and that he needed to leave. This time he didn't put up too much of a fight, a first. I told him that I thought he should go to a psychiatric hospital and he said he would if it would mean keeping me; and that he recognized that he needed help. `Well', it's all a crock. I know it's going to hurt terribly for awhile, but I will hang on until my feelings subside. I will not visit him in the hospital; I just finished visiting him in jail. Two years and my own career and finances and family have been severely affected by my relationship with this handsome and charming madman. The buck must stop here. I am getting out. I am crying right now; I will miss sleeping and cuddling and playing with him; I will miss how special he made me feel, but I realize now that it was all an act. He kept laughing about how stupid women are. It's all very confusing. But, I am losing my mind and my life is going down the drain. The buck stops here. I intend to tell him to contact me, someday, when he is a recovered alcoholic and, I know that I will never love anyone as I have loved him...but, `love' is not worth the price of constant fear; dysfunction and depression. I AM GETTING OUT, GOD HELP ME; I AM GETTING OUT!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): I have been in relationships like this for the past 8 years. The last for 2 1/2 years and resulted in our daughter, 1. The pain they put you through is indescribable. They make you feel like it is your fault they need to go out and drink. I excused it since the drinking minimized the past year, but after a binge and no phone calls for 2 days, I have no choice. This is NOT the life for anybody! I used to be appreciated at my job-at this time I am so distracted and make alot of mistakes to the point that if my boss didnt like me, I am pretty sure I'd be fired.I am the one that has a job, he can't support himself or us. I am a strong person that has dealt this hand for too long. I cannot let my daughter see her family in distress. As it is, she can tell something is missing and is not her happy self. If people say that they may change, do not take the chance. There are far too many healthy men out there, and if you set yourself up to date this man--he can drag you to depression. soon you may realize that you made a mistake, but there is an imprint on you to date other men that have problems involving addiction. You may get a "hero" persona and they become a habit. Bottom line-life is short-I thought I did most things right, had a great family for the most part, and had no idea I could end up a single mom living in a crappy neighborhood. ALCOHOL ruined my life. My only choice is to pick myself up and bring my beautiful gift of a daughter around healthy people so that she may have a chance of a happy childhood. Men are too quick to come by to settle. The cannot love you if they are sick.
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female
reader, clearbluesky +, writes (23 November 2009):
"what is it like to live with an alcoholic?"
First of all DON'T live with an alcoholic that has not been in recovery for at least 3-5 years. DON'T EVEN START a relationship with an alcoholic that has not been in recovery for a least a year - IT IS DISASTEROUS FOR YOU AND THE ALCOHOLIC.
I say this from my personal experience(s) with alcholics. My first marriage (I was 21 until I was 28) then my last boyfriend (met at 36, I am now 39 and ended it within the last month). I am a classic co-dependent, and have finally taken the last two years (same time my boyfriend started 12 step) to attend al-anon, undergo counseling, and work my own program for recovery. I feel like a different person than I was when I met him. I am no longer looking for a person to save or to save me.
relationships with alcohlics start off:
Fun
Exciting
Wonderful to be wanted/needed
Great distraction from your own problems
You feel "special"
You feel Omnipotent
You feel you are a healer
You can understand/help/nurture him out of it
you don't believe his/her problem is really "that bad" as other people's stories...
Ends up:
chaotic
self-destructive
sad
uninspirational
you lose your trust in yourself
you lose your trust in the world being "good"
you wonder why you can't walk away
you feel insecure because you CAN'T Help/Understand him
you can literally LOSE YOURSELF if you don't get out
I was married to my first husband (an alcoholic) for 7 years. Thought I was done with that forever and had enough ! ha ha - didn't get the lesson well enough, and low and behold found myself in my most recent relationship with my boyfriend of 2 and 1/2 years who is a recovering alcoholic. When I met him he was very attractive, charming, intelligent and friendly.
However, those traits hid a very insecure, selfish, master manipulator...also known as an active alcoholic.
Quickly in the relationship, I realized he would lie about absolutely anything. This never changed, up to the day I finally ended it with him, despite his starting recovery (on his own I might add) after my knowing him 8 months.
I sadly thought that stopping drinking, entering recovery with the 12 step program that he eventually embraced was the answer to the lying, selfishness, and inability to get trully close to him. However, what I noticed as time continued to march on, is the lies continued (this time with his fully sober conscience), his insecurities grew stronger, and his defensiveness magnified.
He, after a year into recovery, quit relapsing, found an AA group he trully felt he belonged to, and enjoyed immensly, found a sponsor (his second one) that he felt was really able to help him along his path, and he actively started participating in doing his steps.
Even with ALL of this encouraging behavior on his part, and my doing my part and owning my co-dependency and actively working on it, he was NEVER able to be honest with me, even about something as simple as a time he had a Dr's appt scheduled. The stupidest things, that I could care less about, but he would trip himself up with the lie, or the Dr would call to remind of the time of the actual appt, etc. It wasn't just the stupid things he lied about tho, but also big ones, not attending an AA meeting, (I found out cause I attended an anniversary meeting with him and another member said my boyfriend had to start since he wasn't at the meeting on Monday) - ha ha - I should have called him on that during the meeting itself, in front of everyone...
I think I have finally realized thru my experiences and some of my friends and sisters experiences with alcoholics is that only a very FEW alcoholics ever achieve true recovery. - by that I mean someone really fully facing TRUTHFULLY who they are at core, good & bad, examining their issues that they have been running from, and making a true commitment to the lifelong process of actively participating in the transformation of their character.
Every AA meeting that I attended with him as support when he was receiving chips or he just wanted me to go with him, and the Al-Anon meetings that I attended, point out the Alcoholics' SELFISHNESS. While I "heard" that and agreed, and understood it intellectually, I didn't realize the full impact that selfishness on the part of my partner, could make in my own life !
I thought by taking care of myself, confronting myself and my co-dependency, developing my own healthy self-interest in my life, and my boyfriend participating in his own recovery, that the "selfishness" he was prone to would be liveable - that if it was ever an an unacceptable level I could confront him, he could examine it.
I think that is the one thing that makes it impossible to continue a relationship with an alcoholic, even most in "recovery". the selfishness. If they only see things from their point of view and value to them, HOW ON EARTH CAN THEY BE A GOOD PARTNER IN LIFE ? THEY CAN'T, NOT AS A FRIEND, BOY/GIRLFRIEND, PARENT, DAUGHTER, SISTER BROTHER.
The one piece of advice I have to anyone considering a relationship with an alcoholic is always believe that they and you are NOT THE EXCEPTION. I think that is the only way to enter the relationship with a healthy and realistic expectation. DON'T believe they are the one alcholic out of 10 that WILL MAKE IT.
Know that they probably won't, that you have a lifetime of pain ahead of you if you cannot detach, and run the other direction.
Take off the rose colored glasses, and see alcholism for what it trully is, a disease that is started by an individual's thinking and emotional immaturity, rather than a highly addictive substance like heroin. Alcohol isn't the problem, the person's mode of thinking is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for two years now. He is the most charming, affectionate, talented, handsome man. I fell in love with him so easily and I'm sure that some part of him loves me. He has never abused me physically or verbally and people are drawn to him, just as I was.BUT!! He has gone down hill rapidly, lost his job, can't pay any bills, he has 90 pounds a week, 70 pounds of that goes on drink. I have gone from being a person who was sorted out, with a good career and a nice house to living in a one bedroom flat with him and my son. My life savings have gone. I'm hiding from debt collectors. Sometimes I wake up in bed to find I am in a wet patch because he has wet the bed, we can only have sex in the morning because he starts drinking at about 10am. Nothing works after lunchtime. I loose sleep because he has no sleep pattern anymore and disturbs me all night, then I'm late for work, I've been disciplined at work and nearly sacked. When I said he was handsome, you can still see how handsome he was but his body is covered in boils and they have started on his face, his stomach is bloated because his liver isn't functioning properly. He bleeds out of his backside. Sometimes he doesn;t wash for days. He can't drive because he has had fits/seizures from alcohol. I don't see my friends anymore because I am scared they will see him and know. At work, when people say, how was your weekend, I lie. I am desperately lonely. I know I should go, a friend of his sent me a text the other day saying, 'I have two spare rooms, one for you and one for your son, you need a home, that burden is too much to bear.' I'm thinking about it, but right now, as he is passed out on the sofa right next to me, I can't bear the thought of abandoning him to die, it breaks my heart. He isn't bad or evil but he has destroyed my life all the same.The ironic thing is he started drinking heavily at 22, diagnosed with MS and having just lost his father to a stroke. He thought he'd live each day as it came because he thought MS would get him. When we saw a neurologist about his fits, it turns out he was misdiagnosed, never had MS......but now CANNOT stop drinking. He is only 34 and has the early stages of frontal lobe damage which will lead to alcohol related dementia if his liver doesn't pack up first. I am no longer his girlfriend, I am his carer.I wish I had never met him, then I wouldn't have the pain of leaving him or the pain of staying with him. Walk away now while you can, there is no good ending to stories like this. Only regret and sorrow.
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female
reader, nina.b +, writes (10 September 2009):
I left a 3 1/2 year relationship with an alcoholic 4 months ago and I must say am more relaxed and happy than I have been for.....ages!
As most of the (brave) women have pointed out - you get drawn in to the emotional drama of an alcoholic. I will never understand how or why I justified years of his verbal abuse. (He never, ever hit me I must add.) He never missed out on an opportunity to start an argument and blame me for it. Even when he'd sobered up, he never took any responsibility for his nasty name-calling. And I ended up apologising!!! (I want to slap myself at this point!!) I should have realised sooner that nothing would change. Perhaps I should have spotted the warning signs, for example, living with his mother at the age of 37. (Him, not her!) In the final throes, I asked him to get help which was laughed off as my attempts to control him.
The most puzzling part of his behaviour was his dumping me, frequently, and turning up again weeks, or months later as though nothing had happened. Being disposed of, so many times, being criticised, belittled, ignored, shouted at and insulted has an eroding effect on your self-esteem and sense of identity. You can wake up one morning and not recognise the pathetic, weeping heap you have become. Please do not delude yourself into thinking that by staying with an alcoholic you are supporting them. By staying you enable their habit, and only when they reach rock-bottom will they consider seeking the support that will save their life. Please RUN, NOW, AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND NEVER LOOK BACK.
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female
reader, trevorbear  +, writes (6 September 2009):
I live with my boyfriend of only 6 months. He sounds just like yours! He is 10 years older than me and has been working in the hospitality industry for a long time, so at first I thought he just had a high tolerance for alcohol. When he's drunk he's sweet and friendly, never failing to tell me how much he loves me. But when it's time to go home he'll beg me for one more drink, two more drinks etc. etc. Once he starts he can't stop. We'll make deals and he'll make promises but he can never follow through, and so we fight. The last time he left me at home and stayed out till midday without telling me where I was, I told him I wouldn't put up with it anymore and the next time I would leave him. He finally admitted to me that he has a problem and needs help. Now's he's given me control of his finances so I hope he'll be able to recover. I've been reading up online - there's a wealth of information - and trying to understand. I'm very lucky and I love him very much.. I hope we'll make it through this :)
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female
reader, Lorraine50 +, writes (15 August 2009):
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this - so please humour me.
Firstly what I would like to know having read the numerous post, is where do I get help/support from?
My husband(as is now) when I met him, we both liked going out a lot & obviously drink was included with this. I never hided the fact that I liked a social drink & to be honest when I went out I did have a few. But after a few months I realised he became aggresive with drink - he then shall I say just pushed me around, but I was so in love with him and I was then 40 years old. Anyhow, I thought that I had found the love of my life. I moved to Harrogate with him, as I didn't know when I met him that he was out of work and he was offered this really good job up north and Harrogate was a place where he could travel to work and I could to Manchester. All was good, then he started drinking heavily and to be honest I got caught up with it- he drank and I did - arguments - he was so jealous as I worked in mainly a male environment. I was so faithfull to him, but he didn't believe it and then he became violent with me. I left him, but he came crawling back after a time - I even cancelled our wedding. But, after a period I agreed to try again, as I really loved him and at my age I truly thought I knew what love was, as I hadn't experienced this before in my previous marriage. Anyhow, we got married & I have to say a wonderfull day. Anyhow, there was more drink related vilolence - me I wouldn't be bullied - as I have been subject to that in the past-but this just seemed to make him worse. To cut a long story short, the violence stopped and we had a good life. My job wasn't secure, so we bought a shop - I'm a quallified Florist - in hindsight it's easy to say that was a very bad decision, as we put so much money into it & it failed. Mortage now a stupendous amount. Worry set in, so it's let's have a drink, but it became 7 nights a week- me too - I have to be honest, but I then said this isn't doing us any good and I had to face up to the fact that bills have to be paid - he did that in that past, but I now had to take over as he didn't do anything - hungover! and he now has other work - Anyhow as I've said- moving on - he couldn't keep that work down, as he was hungover and couldn't work and now, well he has a differnt type of business, but can't do all of it, as he drinks and cannot drive, so on top of my own work, keeping house etc. I have to do the driving because he is now always drunk. I have to do this so the bills are paid. But to be honest, I can't always get him to work and we are now in so much debt I can't sleep. This was my house, which I worked so hard for and now I am trying to keep the mortagage company happy- me - not him. Tonight, like many others - but I should know better, I picked him up, knowing he was drunk & did say that there was no wine in the house, but I couldn't help myself for saying that he was so unfair. It's not unusual he causes an argument/ or I say something because I cannot stand the way he is treating me/spending so much on wine, when we cannot afford it and then he dissappears- is it a hotel bill on the card that I have to manage, or how much has he drawn out so he can go out drinking. This started out as just a social drink, then drinking in the house and now I have to make him realise that he has to go to work - and I am not here for that, I feel like his mother, telling him what to do and that is not a marriage - I hate telling him what to do - he should be able to manage his own workload. If we weren't in so much debt and I had somewhere to go I would leave him. Because I am fed up with him drinking everyday - what happened to the man I loved? - But I know now, that he always had a drink problem. Few words tonight and he disappears, yes I know the excuse - It's my fault I was going on at him!!!!!!!!!!!!!So that begs the question where do people like me get help from.
I would really appreciate any help.
L
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female
reader, shc64448 +, writes (26 July 2009):
I was with my alcoholic boyfriend for three years. From very early on in our relationship he made promises to change and sort himself out, saying he now had good reason. (Although he did have two children and apparently they weren't enough!) His last relationsip before me ended badly and his ex had him arrested for harrasment. For almost three years he dodged court appearances or if he did appear he refused to pay fines, turn up to re-arranged hearings or attend probation, etc. He told me earlier this year he really wanted to give up. As his downward spiral had led to an almost inevitable jail sentence I told the police where he lived and what pub he drank in. He was arrested in February this year and jailed for six weeks until mid March. That was the first and only time I saw the real him. He was funny, lovely, charming, etc when drunk - never violent. But while sober he was also more focused, didn't manipulate, use, etc. He told all his family how important I was to him and how lucky he was to have me. He told me his only future was me and his two children. The night he got out of jail he started drinking again. Within weeks he was worse than before. Just over two months later he finished with me and started going out with a divorced mother with four young children under 10. Alcohol? I think so!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): Do not do it. Live your life. He is the one with the problem, unless he gets help, its only going to get worst. It is not fair to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): be prepared to take the ride of a lifetime.. I have been with my alcoholic for 5 years and have never been so miserable in my life why, did i stay you ask i thought i loved him and could change him but, i realize i cannot and no longer love him. i am going to end this craziness and move on with my life.. life is so short if you dont have to get mixed up with him please dont
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female
reader, Lolli73 +, writes (5 July 2009):
I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 18 months. At first we would drink together and I didn't know that he had been drinking heavily for a long time before we met and that when we weren't together he would drink much more than he would admit to, on his own at home. Gradually over the months this came out and I realised he had a problem. A few months ago we were both out drinking and foolishly he tried to drive us home, we got stopped by the police and he got banned from driving for two years and spent a night in a police cell. We were very lucky that we or someone else was not killed or injured. This was quite a awake call for me, I didn't drink with him much after that. But he kept on drinking heavily and started going on binges at home on his own. I stopped drinking with him altogether and hardly drink at all now.
I knew that he used to be a heroin addict, 10 years ago and I knew he had an addictive nature. But I didn't realise that he also had a fascination with sexual things that I'm uncomfortable with. He loves the idea of prostitutes. He saw one once when we were not together and has not been with one since we have been together but he goes on prostitute websites and sometimes calls or texts them to get off.
He has a fantasy about being "cuckolded" - i.e that his girlfriend (me) has sex with another man in front of him. It is something that I would never want to do and it upsets me although I sometimes go along with the verbal fantasy as he seems more interested in me sexually if I do. I find it upsetting and I feel like I am enough for him. But it seems like it is another addiction. Or a compulsion. Weirdness around intimacy that really puts a barrier between us as it is difficult to be close to someone when this is what turns them on during lovemaking.
Reading all these answers has been very frightening. My boyfriend has wanted to move in with me for a long time but every week or every other week I lose him for a 24-hour period or a few days sometimes or a couple of weeks whilst he is at home drinking himself into oblivion. Then he comes back and tells me he doesn't want to drink, he will stop, but he doesn't want to go to counselling and he doesn't believe in AA or any group meetings for support. So the cold hard fact is that I either stay in this and deal with all the trauma and pain that I have been going through for the past 18 months, again and again and I say enough is enough. I can't make choices for him, it is his life and he must do with it what he wants but I cannot continue to be with someone who is an unrecovered alcoholic. It is not a real relationship. From one day to the next I never know if he is going to be by my side or fall down a whisky bottle.
I love him very deeply but I have been in so much distress and at the moment he is on a binge and not contacting me as I requested until he sobers up. Whenever that may be. I know he is at home as always and out of it but this time I don't want to go through the same pattern again, taking him back, listening to the promises, while he does not go to counselling or meetings or take any steps to get the emotional help he obviously needs but does not believe he needs.
I have been going to Al-Anon meetings and now have started counselling too, I am that desperate. but I know that the only thing that is going to save me from any more trauma is to get out of the relationship for good. It is a difficult thing to do, I am deeply in love with him and have been for a long time, when he is not drinking we have a good bond and a great time and I have never met anyone else who understands me mentally as much as he does but I can't continue. I'm too unhappy. I'm too depressed. I'm praying to the courage to stay away, to look after myself and cut the ties finally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): I have lived with an alcoholic for almost 8 years. When he's not drinking, he's everything I ever wanted in a partner... when he drinks he's my worst nightmare.
In drink he has hit out at me, objects around the home, been verbally abusive, told me what he would like to do sexually to other women, had an affair with another woman and generally spent most of his money and time in the company of other alcoholics getting absolutely smashed.
It was me that had ALL the responsibility of running the home. Yes he would clean & iron, but it wasn't a cleaner I needed, I needed for him to be a partner, to be there for me emotionally as I was there for him. After being at the side of his hospital bed on at least 4 occasions, I once asked him who would look after me if I went down. His reply to me was that he would look after me. He cannot look after himself, let alone look after me should the need arise.
Each time he's been on a binge & run out of money he will suddenly become very remorseful and say all the right things you want to hear. It's at this time you need to harden yourself and see the bigger picture because the disease doesn't go away.
Yes I've thrown him out, then taken him back. It's been pathetic & I've come to realise over the years that I have become co-dependent on him. Something I'm now receiving therapy for. You do not have to accept, to coin a phrase, short measures in life.
In short, the answer to your question is... to live with an alcoholic is miserable, abject misery is waiting around the corner every day. Yes, there may be periods where the alcoholic abstains, but invariably they cannot sustain it and the slightest thing will send them back on their way to embracing their alcoholism.
I still love my man, but I'm nolonger sure that I'm IN love with him, I feel more like his carer. Like so many of the answers here, its like having an adult child that you have to look after, rather than share the burden of life with a partner.
If I'd have known 8 years ago what I know today, I would have run and kept on running.
Before Christmas this year he went on another binge. Christmas was simply miserable. Things were said that could not be unsaid. He was hopping between the sofa's of his alcoholic friends. Of course they were no help. It's a special club they form and once in, an alcoholic will find it almost impossible to get out. They support each other in drinking binges.
I had no choice but to get him a flat. Six days out of seven he would still spend at my house. On his day off he planned to attennd an AA meeting. Regrettably this time he didn't go to the meeting. No he went on a binge.
I hoped that getting him the flat would help him see what he had thrown away and that ultimately this would give him the resolve to try and beat the addiction. Six months down the line I'm sat here and he's on a binge. I've not heard from him for almost a week. I'd tried going into the pub and pleading for him to come home, I'd tried it all, but to no avail. It makes you feel worthless.
Ultimately it pushed me over the edge and on yet another trip to try and get him to come home the anger and frustration spilled over and I was the one, this time, to slap him. For a split second it was such a release. But then it makes you stop in your tracks and realise what you are becoming.
There is a saying "In fighting the monster, you may become the monster yourself". This is ultimately what living with an alcoholic will do to you. The monster always wins... its not a lottery... it is all consuming and respects no-one.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): Just thought I would put little bit of my own experiences here. I have been married for 6 years and in the same situation (except it my my who is the drinker). She is the same as you mention, can get drunk but seems fine. I think these people are classed as "high functioning" alcoholics and it's a really difficult situation. My wife will get drunk everynight and become abusive but she has two degrees and when she wakes up in the morning she is fine and as if nothing is wrong. She will then do day to day things with the kids etc and her performance is not effected. Because if this she feels she can drink and drink all the time because she feels it doesn't effect her day to day performance in the things she needs or wants to do.When she has a moment of rage it generally manifests itself in a verbal attack on me although she has had moments of physical attacks. I have found that in these verbal attacks, she wants an argument, she wants a reaction and so I have found that in my situation if I don't respond back she has nowhere to go and eventually stops. I'm not saying you should do thisin your situation but it works for me! She will scream and shout and get off her chest what she wants to but because she is not getting a reaction she bets bored. It's difficult as most things she says are deliberately antagonistic and meant to cause a reaction, which I think is why being strong and holding my own toungue works, because I take everything she throws at me and it just bounces off. It's not the answer to her problems and it won't stop her drinking and being abusive but it does make it easier to deal with her until such time as she is ready to deal with things properly. You can't force these people into programmes or rehabilitation. They need to first realize they need help and then get it themselves, it's the only way. All I can do is try and help her realize what she is doing to herself and others.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): I am 7 months pregnant and living with an alcoholic. I am alone all the time and he is always gone. By the time he comes home he is drunk and he ALWAYS has an excuse. "well i worked all day, or the race is on, its memorial day weekend." It is so sad is that i dread holidays, and big events that should be fun to me. They are no because i know it is just a reason for him to drink. He does not get drunk everyday, but he does drink at least 4 beers a day. He is drunk at least 4 days out of the week and a lot of weeks more than that. it is against the law to sell beer on sundays here so i saturdays he buys two cases so he has enough for sunday.... It really makes me sick how much he drinks and he is a totally different person when he does. People who dont know and meet him drunk thinks he funny and outgoing. after living with him for 2 years i think he is annoying. his father drank heavily while he was growing up and i dont want my son to see his dad drinking and turn out to be like him. I moved 800 miles away from home to be with him and a lot of times i regret it and if i would have know he was like this i would have never moved. i want to get away but i dont know how.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): Last week my alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me (again like so many times before).I loved him and didn't even realise until this last week that trying to have a healthy relationship with him was almost impossible. I was a train wreck trying to keep us together. It's hard right now because he shut me out like he does because he can't DEAL with a relationship or me. I'm not sure that he loved me but I am sure that I am better off with out him. He's uses alcohol as an escape from dealing with difficult emotions (a lot of them he creates himself). I did have fun with him but I always thought about how it would be being married to him and now this is the right thing. My advice for you would be listen to the posters that have the experience of having their hearts broken over and over again. I will take this heart wrenching pain now over a lifetime of heartache....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Stay away from the guy. Problem drinkers are charming and make you feel special and appreciated.
When I married my man, he drank a bottle of whiskey a month. Now, he's drinking three to four bottles a week. The sweet guy I fell in love with is no more. My husband is either Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde. He is irrational. He suffers from mood swings. He is beginning not to function on both a mental and physical level.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease you can't cure. I was too inexperienced to recognize it but then, I had life lessons to learn too.
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female
reader, nofun4me +, writes (11 May 2009):
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs. we used to live together. He would say he would stop drinking and then still drink heavily. I was paying all the bills. He was emotionally abusive. He used me for anything he could, I was paying his cell phone bill and he was using it to text other women. I kicked him out after that but my self esteem is very low. I am trying to back away from him but it is hard. Just this weekend he found another reason to blame me for something right after I gave him a ride home and he slammed the door and said "happy mothers day" All day on mothers day he told me basicaly what a loser and a bad person I am. This is just one episode, there are thousands more. He seemed disappointed when he found out he did not totally ruin my day. I was with my family and he kept saying "you have your family, you dont need me" anyone who is seeing the first signs of an alcoholic in thier relationship should get out NOW
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): I am married to a "functioning alcholic", he is in the military and a very hard worker. All the responses are true and pertain to my life as well. However the one ecception, my husband tends to be verbally abusive to my son 17 and my daughter 15 more than he is to me. If they avoid him he will lash out at me but his verbal lashings to the children is our fight igniter. I try to walk away and I have told the children to avoid him. My son does a better job than my daughter, she takes everything he says to heart and trys to be "the perfect child" picking up where she feels her brother lacks to keep her father happy yet he is never happy whne drinking and that is everyday.
So, I suggest not believing there is such a thing as a functioning alcholic,eventually you realize a working alcholic is still an acholic with all the bad that entails.
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female
reader, Jennerson +, writes (3 May 2009):
I have read majority of the posts om here regarding living with an alcoholic and I can honestly say I know what you mean. Just a brief background... I am 26 and I live with my boyfriend who is an alcoholic. He lies and hides beer cans because he cannot stand me fnding out. MY answer to anyone living with an alcoholic who hits and verbally abuses you should get out! It's hard when you have kids but like you say they are probably miserable too and their upbringing will be remembered for the rest of their lives. Your responsibility as a parent is to make their life as good as possible and the upset will mean they go off the rails themselves when they are older because they have lived with it and think its normal. For you there are many people out there who need someone goos in their life and being scared of being alone is not a reason to put up with it. Get respect for yourself back and think of you for a change! When you live with an alcoholic like I do and its all about lies I dont control him I ask for honesty and talk to him about it, today I wrote a statement of how I was feeling and talked about the alcohol as a third person, I even named it, I then told my boyfriend how this 3rd person is ruining our lives and comes between our future. Today is the 1st day he has not had a drink and is instead having time by himself (his choice) in our spare room, he cried. I cuddled him to let him know I care then left.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): i love him so much. the good in him. together for almost three years. i threw him out last week when he came in drunk and started hitting me. my daughter is one year old. i feel sick at what the future might bring, i blame myself for getting involved. i wish he would say sorry, so we could try. but he is too arrogant, his friends indulge his tall stories and drink with him, his family accept his alcoholism. he is well known so few ppl challenge him, but then in a pub whose going to question you when your chatty and sociable, noone says now how is your home life.
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female
reader, tilla +, writes (5 April 2009):
Run a million miles away from your boyfriend. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery for yourself and any future children you have. Believe me (I have lived with an alcoholic for 28 years) more fool me. I know what I am talking about. His problem will get worse and worse. They are all nice when sober find yourself a decent caring man think longterm.
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female
reader, tilla +, writes (5 April 2009):
Run a million miles away from your boyfriend. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery for yourself and any future children you have. Believe me (I have lived with an alcoholic for 28 years) more fool me. I know what I am talking about. His problem will get worse and worse. They are all nice when sober find yourself a decent caring man think longterm.
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female
reader, beatendown +, writes (13 February 2009):
I have spent a lifetime in alcoholic relationships....my grandfather, father, husband, boyfriends all have been alcoholics. How does this happen you ask? ALL I can say is I don't know. It never gets better, it hurts more each time, you blame yourself, you spout all the right answers and responses but you still feel like shit. You think you'll never get caught dead with one of these guys ever again and bang there you are....just a different face. I am 53 years old and I didn't do my homework I NEVER went to al-anon, I never sought councilling, I never did any soul searching to figure out what I needed from these guys or what it was that I thought I needed. They hurt me I cried my tears and off I went to the next one and the cycle continued. Here is my advice love yourself enough to seek the help YOU need...it is only now after many years of this emotional roller-coaster that I am seeking help. Will I get off the ride, you bet .... I've wasted my life trying to love the wrong kind of men. I've beat myself up over things that were not my fault, not my doing and not my intention. I've cried many tears trying to figure out what I did wrong when in fact I did nothing wrong at all. Love yourself enough to seek the help you need......get out if you can and give yourself an opportunity at real happiness.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): He maybe able to hold his alcohol at the minute but trust me it never stays like that, i have been living with an alcoholic for 2 years now the first year was similar to you where as i knew there was a problem as he was having to drink every night of the week as soon as he got home from work, but by the second year this has gone from drinks in the evening and days off to drinking in work and has now lost 2 jobs because of it, drinking first thing in the morning i have found vodka hidden all over the house i come in from doing 2 jobs to support us both as he keeps loosing his jobs and find him passed out from drink sick all over my bathroom walls which i have had to decorate twice this year so far, he never helps with the housework or cooking as he is to drunk, and our relationship has now just ended as i cant cope any longer, so please think twice before entering into an alcoholic relationship,
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): I have been married to an alcoholic for 6 years and lived together for 5 before we married. I feel lost. He always belittles me. I can't do anything right. I am the most stupid person on the face of the planet. I am nothing. This is what I hear on a daily basis. He is functioning sometimes. He calls out of work, goes to the doctor, and gets pain meds., nerve meds., and of course an excuse so he will not get fired. We have 3 children and I believe they are as misreable as me. I am a stay at home mom. He allows me no control over anything. I can't have any money. He will go in my wallet and get it. I am not allowed to drive a vehicle because they were bought by him. He gave his brother a car just for sighing his name on a loan for my husband(he was drunk at the time) So now, if something happens to one of the children, I have no way . I really can not do this anymore. I am dying inside. This is what life is like living with an alcoholic.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): i have been dating an alcoholic for the last 8 months. he's lovely but keeps saying he'll stop drinking, doesn't want to etc, but then i catch him having drunk again. he doesn't get drunk, abusive, etc but he lies. it's whether you are getting the lies and deceit and whether you can handle it. what's the most frustrating is that it's up to him to decide to give up. even if you are the most wonderful supportive girlfriends with the best relationship it doesn't seem to help. to be honest after catching him again last night. i'm lost as to what to do.good luck with yur man!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): I have been seeing my girlfriend for 14 months, unfortunatly she is married to an alcoholic.It may seem like an affair to people reading on here but its not, shes been married to him for 18 years, he works during the week and drinks in the evenings and is in bed for 8.30 every night. At weekends hes up in the earlly hours and when she finds him when she gets up hes bladdered on vodka and stays like it all weekend.
They dont sleep in the same bed and havent been intemate for years. Trouble is she thinks she can help him. he lies to her that he will stop and every time she tells him shes leaving he crys his eyes out and threatens to kill himself.
Hes told her he will never let her leave.
This is also killing me emotionally but i love her and just have to hope she can pluck up the courage to leave, i dont think she can help him anymore.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): I have recently seperated from my wife, actually my second wife, she is an alcoholic who is in denial, when we first met we were both going through seperations, so I suppose we had a kindred spirit thing going on! Truth is i loved her from the minute I met her, we have been together 14 years and married for 6, she has 3 kids and I have 1, our drinking in the early days was always together and always when we went out, I did wonder why on the evenings that we didn't see each other she would always drink in the house? Stupid looking back, the answer was obvious! I knew alcoholism, I watched my step father drink himself to death, but Bill was a very happy drunk and the life and soul of all parties, Jo was a time bomb in drink. As the years marched on we would stay in and invariably Jo would drink, quite openly at first, usually a couple of glasses of wine a night, I would join her at the weekends and together we would get drunk. Jo would drink more and more, she would always find a reason, inviting people round to justify that reason, once she had had the first glass it's almost as if her inhibitions regarding drinking had gone, any thoughts of not drinking would go and to hell with the consequences. for the last 2-3 years the drink has taken complete hold, she would hide vodka in orange drinks, start to drink before I got home so she didn't feel the need to justify it to me. I conciously tried not to be judgemental but it was far from easy. Every now and then she would get extremely violent, usually as a result of something happening in her life that she found hard to deal with, the way to shut these problems out is of course to drink. I knew our time was up when she tried to stab me, I had to call the police to her, in the time it took them to get to the house she overdosed on painkillers, I took this as a cry for help from her and tried to work through it with her, she said she would never touch another drink!!! She has tried desperately hard, removing herself from all temptations but ultimately the pull of the drink is too much, she knows the affect on her kids and me but the lure is too strong. She moved out a month ago, I now get her youngest ringing me up 2 or 3 times a week asking if she can stay with me, of course I let her, no child should see a parent doing what jo does. She tried her second suicide attempt last weekend, had she not called a friend in her drunken stupor to arrange a get together then she would have succeeded, fortunately her friend knew something was up and went round!! A weekend in hospital was the result, I stayed away from the woman who I love and feel as guilty as hell, I phoned the pshychotherapist and pleaded with him to section her, I explained how manipulative she is, they can do nothing!! Her youngest came to stay with me again last night, she said she felt her mum wanted her out of the way!! I hope and pray it's because she's got a new man and not because she wants to drink but I think I know the answer already!!!!! As for advice....Run as fast as you can, you can not compete. regards
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): I have been going out with an alcoholic for 4 years now. Until recently, we both lived in seperate houses. It was horrid having to witness his binges and the broken promises after coming off of the drink, but |I really didnt realize how horrific the problem was until he purchased a house for us, and |I (foolishly) agreed to live with him. I now can identify with all the other people in this website. Living with an alcoholic is a nightmare - their mood swings, their lack of respect for you as a person, their maniac phases when off of the drink - all of which leaves the non drinker drained and feeling worse than the drinker. My partner is a hard worker, and goes away for weeks on end to work, but I am really at the stage when I would not care if he ever came home at all. I have problems with my health, and find it hard to sustain jobs - although prior to this last year, I had always worked. He manages to make me feel dependent on him financially - always putting me down and making me feel he has given me the world, even though I have picked him up from the gutter time and time again. I am just about to throw in the towel. The good times we have had in the past are outweighed by the horrid times. Even the sober times are a complete farce, as he is desperate for drink and never really in his right mind. Please dont go there - this is my sincere advice to anyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): I have been with an alcoholic for about 2 years now. Our relationship has never really been "smooth sailing" When we first met there was a big drug addiction that took a toll on both of us for a very long time. After many night of my crying and pleading with him and even physically restraining him from using the drugs, he was able to kick the habbit. But unfortunatly for me, I was unaware of his ongoing battle with alcohol. He had been an alcoholic prior to his drug addiction for about 6 years or so. Our fighting and arguing increased dramatically once he started drinking. It even resulted in a few occasions of him becoming very violent with myself and property of mine. After each incident, he would make a vowe to stop drinking and would stop for a few days or even a week or two, but then would fall right back into habbit as if temptation was too strong for him.
To this day, he still has yet to "change" like he has promised time and time again. And I still deal with the false promises and the violent binges. We have a child on the way, which I thought would be reason enough for him to quit, but it only fueled the fire. His excessive drinking mixed with my hormonal mood swings become too much for myself to handle and resulted in a night of him violently striking me and was then followed by a well deserved broken nose for him. It was a horrible wake up call for me, because I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father, and have vowed to myself that I would never get involved with a man who drank excessivly.
I have since moved out and back home with my mother because I am still rather young and need to get on my own two feet again, and have stability while I am going through this pregnancy. I keep in touch with him because of the father and still see him once or twice a week. But I have stopped expecting anything from him and stopped investing myself into an empty relationship where alcohol rules all.
The point is, that some alcoholics, like my father even, are able to wake up and see that they need to stop for the benefit of their family and even themselves. But some, like my ex, are unable to stop, whether it be because of psychological weakness, habbit, or even fear of swallowing their pride and saying that they do have a problem. It really is up to the individual who is dealing with the alcoholic to choose if they think it's worth it or not. Just don't let yourself be a victim of it at the expense of your emotions, because the bottle with almost always win.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008): However strong you are or think you are, the alcoholic will always bring you down. What is the hardest is that they can be the nicest people when they are sober. Life becomes extremes. Embarassment with friends and evetually you are the one who becomes isolated. The alcoholic is fine they just turn to the bottle. I thought love would win through, she would realise what she was doing to our relationship. Well a rational person would but alcoholics are not rational. They are become more and more self centre, self indulgent and what matters is them. Rather than face what they have done and get upset simplier just to have another drink. Yes love will win through with a rational person but not an alocholic. They are simply never themselves but instead under a constant hase, in their own other world. FInd space, find yourself, protect yourself and gain the strengh to leave.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): I have read all your responses. I have an AH and just found out tonight that he has had a drink today at 4pm. Funny, I was just expressing to him that our relationship has felt "empty" lately. That I have been feeling lonely. I went to hug him and smelled alcohol. He admitted drinking today and then drama started. This is the first time that he has admitted since he started going to AA. Actually he only went for a couple of months and then stopped. He assured me that he was fine and I honestly believed him. From the looks of all these responses, the only way to go is to "RUN". Right now, it's really difficult to see that it's the only option.
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female
reader, maxy +, writes (9 September 2008):
the drink catches up with them and instead of a social drink it becomes a necesity , the behaviour pattern changes and they are horrid towards the people that love them. my man didnt change untill the third year we were together and believe me when he did change it was horrible, he doesnt live with me anymore because i couldent stand the mood swings and the venum that came from his mouth
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): i can only reiterate every comment that has been made just walk away no run.... i have just split up after 17 years with my alcoholic abusive partner he is high functioning also but has wrecked all of our lives i have 3 children with him and they are all suffering psychologically hopefully i can put some balance back into their lives and we can live again you will never be truly happy living with an alcoholic you are just waiting for the next outburst the next lie the next story !!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): I have lived with an alcoholic for 6 years we have now split up and my life has changed i feel free.My girlfriend is still denying it now that alcaholism killed our relationship.I lost all self respect did nothing for myself and it got as bad as taking a walk down a train track.I did nothing, i was so depressed i did had no personal hygeine what so ever.Please take any help you can and get out,if you feel that your new partner or you are thinking of dating someone who denies the problem then get out NOW! Do not do what a lot of us do and put up with it, it helps no one...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): please dont do it, i have and its not worth it you never know if you are coming or going emotionally,one day they are fine the next make your life a misery. mood swings are all over the place. you will always be second place to drink.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): Having read all the post here, the impression I get from people in both long and short term relationship with an alcoholic is to leave ASAP.I too am married to an alcoholic who is a lovely person when no alcohol is on board (mainly only in the mornings after waking up). I too knew he was an alcoholic when we got married, but ignored it thinking 'it will be alright'.Recently, after some very stormy times, he appears to be coming around and recognising that his alcoholism is jeapardising our (non-existent) relationship, which is the biggest improvement I've seen in him. Although we are still in the early days, I am wondering if anyone has any 'success' stories??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): reading all this makes me realise;that im not alone;how sad. ive been with my man 21yrs;3 children;and ive realised that this never goes away;life will only get better if i go alone;his wrecked my life .
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): My wife is an alcoholic, Im 31 and she is 28. We've been together for 8 years. The worst part is for the most of the time weve been together I have known she is an alcoholic or at least have problems with it.We seperated two years ago, mainly due to her alcoholism which made me depressed. I never stopped loving her and we got back together. She was still drinking. She used to be a passive drunk and fall asleep. Now she becames emotionally abusive. She continues to belittle me, call me abusive names, and doesnt stop.I go to work everyday, Im an athlete so I train 5-7 times a week, and I dont tell anyone about it. My parents ask and I lie to them as well. That hurts me.Ive stopped drinking because of her, but that hasn't helped. Im lying to the outside world. my closest friends dont know what i go through every day with worry and then when I have to come home to her. I lock myself into our spare room, shut he door, turn the PC on try and forget about her and my life in general. Sometimes I cna feel my life slipping away from me, where I dont want to be with her, but I cant leave her either. Compulsive liar. everything she says I question, her every move is under scrutiny with me. I check every room, for alcohol, she hides it in water bottles, under the bed, between the mattress, cuts out the lining of our sofa to hide it. This is a nightly ritual. Unless someone has lived it, its very hard to explain the pressure, depression, emotional lows that I can feel.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): I have been living with an alcoholic for just over 4 months now...the really sad part is I have know he was an alcoholic for over 3 years now. We have always been off and on in our relationship, and those times always follow a close pattern of drug or alcohol abuse. About a year ago he kicked the drugs...and what progress I thought this meant for "us". What a mistake this was for "me"! Now he drinks all the time...he is a bartender and so when I say all the time, I mean ALL the time. He gets off work late and goes to the bar with all his friends who are also alcoholics; some higher functioning then others, but alcoholics none the less. He has made many empty promises of cutting back, or getting help. He is currently faceing charges on his second DUI in a year. My nights are filled with worry, and often times followed by early morning drives to the bar to pick him up fighting all the way home about leaving his car behind. How now Im mad at him, and how he hates his life. This problem has become for me a life style. I now come home from work at 6pm and go straight to bed so at 2am I can wake up to take part in that nights dramatic episode of which I have allowed my life to become. I am often late to work, tried all day, and have become incredibly depressed. In the beginning I would talk with my friends about it a reach out for support. Now I say nothing and pretend it has all gone away. I am more ashamed of myself for still engaging in this destructive life style; then I am him for still drinking. Some days, and weeks are better. But that "bad" day is always haunting.I under no circumstance doubt that he loves me; but he does not love himself. Sadly I can not fix him, help him, or change his behavior. I am only one person and no matter how many times I try and tell him how his drinking makes me feel...that is not enough. It has to make him feel; and the entire purpose behind drinking is not to "feel" anything. I would love to say that I am going to walk away from this, but I can not promise that right now. What I can promise is to truely reflect on my lifes choices; and begin shifting them toward some more positive results.My advice to you, along with all other postings is stay clear of this acolholic. They will consume your life like alcoholism has consumed theres.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Living with an alcoholic is soul destroying.
My wife has a problem she will not admit to.The problem developed slowly she drank more and more,two glasses of wine a night then 3 then a bottle a night then two bottles.She only drinks at night then sleeps it off.She works 5 days a week in a good well paid job,we both work and we have no children.nobody knows she has a problem,except me.
I am partly responsible because I did not challenge her enough in the early days.I have never "outed" her to any of her family but I have hinted to them hoping they would talk to her.On the occasions I did challenge her drinking she screamed and shouted at me telling me to cop on and that I was boring Etc.Insisting she needed drink to put up with me.That I was impossible to live with.That she would drink if she wanted to that I was a control freak.Then I stopped challenging her while she was drunk and decided I would broach the subject when she was sober,however when she was sober I did not bring it up very often because I did not want to start trouble and I would think all would be well,after all she did not drink in the day time generally so maybe she was just a heavy drinker.When I did raise the issue when she was sober I was verbally abused and told to back off and stop controlling.Eventually I lost all self confidence and self worth I was being bullied but I did not realise it.She stopped having sex with me rejected me constantly and when she did have sex with me I was not allowed either to kiss her or to bring her to orgasm this made me feel even more worthless.Then I became depressed and moody.Then I became suicidal but did not tell her so as not to put more pressure on her.She eventually drove a wedge between us and I could not take any more we argued a lot then separate bed rooms and more drinking from her and if I commented or tried to encourage her away from drink I was told again it was nothing to with me that I did not love her that I was not part of her life,and that her few drinks had nothing to do with me.
We are separated now,we still share the same house.I do not earn much and I could not afford to rent or buy a house,luckily property values have dropped considerably over the last 6-12 months.We are in the process of legally separating right now.We try to keep everything amicable but her moods change rapidly and it is very difficult not to react,I hold back and hang on,knowing I only have to wait about 9 weeks now for my house deal to go through the legal process.I have managed to agree a deal with her,she gets to keep the house.She is buying my share at a cheap rate and I am putting that money with a mortgage on a small house that needs lots of work,I am keeping the amount she is paying me as low as possible,I am afraid she would run into financial trouble trying to pay her mortgage and paying for drink.
It was not a nice evening tonight things were not friendly but it was tolerable enough until suddenly her mood changed,thankfully she went to bed.
I actually came across this web site just now as I gooogled "alcohol and mood swings"I'm still looking for answers,I really hope she can stay on the rails keep her job,and not drive to buy wine when she finishes a bottle and wants more(mad as it is I usually go for some when she asks,I'm afraid to say no as I reckon that she would no longer ask me and drive herself to spite me,she knows how much I would worry and she manipulates) but I fear it will get worse when I am gone.
My answer to the question...
If you suspect your potential life partner is an alcoholic turn and run as fast as you can away from that situation do not become involved it is different when the alcoholism evolves when your already in a marital relationship.
Your trapped emotionally and possibly financially.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): Yes, yes, yes. .... I do understand with all of the posts here!!! Thank you for this, I have been dealing with similar issues and have been in the relationship off and on for over 2 years now. I was wondering if it was me, but I now am much more aware that it is him. Wow. What a nightmare. Now our finances are entwined, we live in the same house, and he is getting worse and worse as the months continue. I am soooo ready to leave, but I love him and need to emotionally detach. Seems strange that I would even love this person. Nonetheless, it's definitely time for an exit strategy. Thanks to all who posted here it helped a lot!
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female
reader, dontbedumb +, writes (2 July 2008):
It is a nightmare everyday!! I have been married for 12 years with 4 kids and had convinced myself his drinking was normal! He pays the bills, is neat and tidy, never late or missed a shift of work, he is so perfect he has convinced a dr., 2 pastors, friends and myself included that he doesnt suit the classic alcoholic and if it doesnt talk like a duck or act like a duck then well you get the picture. He is an alcoholic he is the most functioning darn one out there!! He can easily drink DAILY at least 6 beers a day. And thats just a min. DONT BE FOOLED LIKE ALL OF US AROUND THIS GUY HE IS SMOOTH AND GOOD TO COVER UP!! You deserve better dont be dumb, you obviously were intelligent enough to get advice i hope you take it too!!I am stuck as I have been a stay at home mom in a city where you cant afford to live with 4 kids!! It will eat you alive if you make this mistake. Marriage has enough pitfalls of its own to deal with why marry someone with baggage and obstacles already.BOTTOM LINE-YOU DESERVE BETTER AND SO DO YOUR FUTURE KIDS!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Things do not get better with an alcoholic - they get worse.
One thing you can never do is tell them when you think they have overstepped the mark.
They will blame you for their drinking and turn to someone else who understands them - usually another alcoholic.
One day they make wake up and stop drinking - but don't count on it.
You have a life of misery ahead of you where police at your door will become normal to you.
Walk away now is my advice.
You cannot save him - he can only save himself.
Maybe if you tell him you left because you don't want to live with an alcoholic that may make him dry up - then maybe if he approaches you in a couple of years you can live a happy life together.
Alcoholics do not love themselves - so there is nothing left for you at this time.
Pray he finds God.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): "What is it like to live with an alcoholic?"...
It is Hell on Earth!!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): i have lived with an alcoholic for almost a year now, we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. And now i am pregnant again. I wish i would have left already but now im on maternity leave and cant pay my bills to leave, last night i found him peeing on my bedroom floor!! It is always something bazarro! life isnt fair to have to be with someone like this! Leave before you get trapped like i am.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Leave him now and move on with your life or it will only get worse!
I have lived with an alcholic for 22 yrs and it does not get better! You cannot change them they can only get help if they choose to!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Leave him now and move on with your life or it will only get worse!
I have lived with an alcholic for 22 yrs and it does not get better! You cannot change them they can only get help if they choose to!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Don't walk, but RUN away from this guy before you get too involved. I have lived with an alcoholic for 34 years. When I first married him he was just as you described your guy. I stayed with him trying to keep the family together as I had three children. I left him a few times over the years but always went back. Which was the biggest mistake I ever made. My life and my three childre's life were pure hell. He is getting worse every day. Yes, I am looking a place to stay as I write this, and filing for a divorce. I have finally had enough. and am leaving him for good. Please save your life and let this guy go. I speak from experience. Living with an alcoholic is not living. You will suffer more than the alcoholic. I regrett not leaving him 33 years ago.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): Is it coincidence that almost every answer posted says the same things. Alcoholics will not change their habits or give up alcohol so bale out of the relationship whilst you still can. IT IS AN INCURABLE DISEASE. Two questions : (1) Why do Al-Anon some-how make you feel guilty for deserting the alcoholic who has this dreaded disease ? (2) How come there are so many "recovered" alcoholics at AA meetings and how did they "cure" themselves ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): I have been married for 16 years and lived with my husband for 9 years before that. My husband is a functioning alcoholic and when he is sober, we get along like a house on fire, have similar interests and love our home and our animals. He is a wonderful person, well liked by family and friends and last but not least, my best friend. Over the last 6 years, he started drinking during the working day and it is always vodka or red wine. This has led to a decline in his income, scores of lies, infidelity on his behalf, loss of our social life and family and friends. I no longer trust him, believe him or respect him and this is no way to re-build a relationship. He has been to rehab twice and now he has joined the AA and goes to meetings 3 times a week but I suspect that he is not honest with them about his drinking habits. After every binge, he makes sincere promises about how he is going to change because he cannot live without me (and I am sure that at the time, he believes the promises that he is making). The emotional roller coaster has finally gotten to me and I have started divorce proceedings against him. He is devastated that I have taken this step yet it still has not stopped him from drinking. I know that he will head downhill from here onwards but that is out of my hands. We do not have any children so the process should be simple. Having said that, this has not been an easy decision for me to make but I can finally see that I am only making his problem worse (enabling him) by staying in his life. I believe that he has not yet hit rock bottom and he has to reach that place before he can turn his life around. As I said, the decision I have made was not easy but I realize now that I should have made it many many years ago and would have saved myself a lot of heartache and emotional stress. Nobody wants to be alone but I have lived an "alone" life for so many years now, that I may as well be alone. I am not proud to say it but my advice is to turn 180 degrees and head for the hills. Save yourself the inevitable heartache of having to eventually do it some time in the future. Alcoholics are extremely manipulative and self destructive and will invariably will bring you down with them.
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reader, 21dragons +, writes (23 April 2008):
I have been married for almost 28 years to a man who works hard and has been drunk for the last 15 years. It has now affected his health in an extreme way. He has been hospitalized 2 times in the last 4 years for almost bleeding out. He stops drinking for awhile and then starts again. This is a very difficult thing to watch and live with. Our 17 year old daughter has never nown him sober. The times he is sober is nice. Reciently he got drunk and approched me romantically and i avoided him this made him mad and he moved out to the garage room and hasn't talked to me in 2 weeks. is this the life you want for yourself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): it's terrible
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): I too am in love with an alcoholic. He is very caring and loving and will do amything for me. He is also a marajuana smoker. I think the reasons that he does this is that he has anxiety issues and with all these habits he refuses to go to the doctor to get real relief. His son and I call it self medicationg. I fear someday that if something medical happens to me, he will not be able to help me. With all the vices he has I am really not sure that after 10 years I am not sure that I really know him. He teases day after day and that is really straining our relationship as far as I am concerned. I bring these things up and he just kind of laughs them off. I too am not sure how to help him. He is sure short changing his life by depending on this crap to get through life. I really want to help him before I walk way from frustration
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): you truly want to know what it's like to live with an alcoholic? IT IS MISERABLE!!!! I am asking myself daily, do i leave or stay? I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and when we first started dating I knew he drank alot, but didn't give it much thought, until my mom pointed it out. Then about 6 months after we met he got a DUI, and 3 months after that another, I later found out that was his 7th DUI. He is now a convicted felon, spent time on house arrest, and is on 5 years probation. I have caught him in so many lies that are not drinking related as well, because after doing some research I am finding out alot of alcholics lie, because in their world, they do no wrong and they make you feel like your losing your mind. I am at a point in my relationship, where we live together and it's hard emotionally to leave, but if you are not living together and it's new, trust me when I tell you to leave this man alone, and don't look back. I find myself alot of times looking back to when we met and not yielding to the warning signs then. When the love is new however it's easy to get caught up and not think clearly. For me this is just one more life lesson. I just hope I can get strong enough to say no more. Good luck!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): After reading all of these, I just wanted to point out that not every alcoholic drinks everyday; some of them really try not to drink every day, they really really really try, and that is the biggest problem, because it is very hard to leave someone who is obviously trying. In addition, I was kind of irritated by the posts which stated that the alcoholic will "love" alcohol more than you; that really isn't true, and I think it sort of ignores the nature of the problem. My girlfriend loves me, I have no doubt about it, and she HATES being an alcoholic; she cries about it, and wishes she wasn't, and can't understand why she drinks so much sometimes -- it isn't that she loves alcohol, but that she is addicted. There is a difference. I stated the below previously: My girlfriend is a little sweety, usually, except when she is grumpy about being sober, or getting a bit too drunk... then, all the sudden, it is like there is some psychotic demon posesses her, and wow... the problem is, I love and cherish and care about the 'real' her, but the alcoholic side of her is absbearable. SIGH.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): My girlfriend is a little sweety, usually, except when she is grumpy about being sober, or getting a bit too drunk... then, all the sudden, it is like there is some psychotic demon posesses her, and wow... the problem is, I love and cherish and care about the 'real' her, but the alcoholic side of her is absolutely unbearable. SIGH.
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female
reader, AvonLady  +, writes (20 February 2008):
Living with an alcoholic is like living with a time bomb - you never know when it is going to blow up. One minute they are nice - the next they are nasty. It's like walking on egg shells. Although I knew he was a heavy drinker I never thought it would affect me so much. If I had known I would never of married him. It is also very sad to watch as their brain slowly pickles itself. They repeat themselves over and over - they won't go anywhere unless there is plenty of alcohol on hand. Slowly, friends disappear. They never compeltely finish anything they start. They are consumate liars - and the more you react the more they feel justified in drinking - after all - it's all your fault that they have to drink - or at least that's the way they justify it in their own minds.They are never to blame, always able to think of an excuse.I've noticed they never empty their glass - always go and top it up - it's as if, if they don't empty the glass then no-one can say how many drinks they have had. When they drain the glass you know they are either going to pass out or go to bed.They become very sneaky - hiding the alcohol all over the place. They don't drink for the pleasure - they drink to feel nothing - no responsibility, no planning needed.Alcoholics can't plan ahead - unless it is to make sure there is enough alcohol in the house.I could go on and on but my advice to you is run away as far and as fast as you can.Avon Lady
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): Don't be stupid . . . like me. I have been trying to change my alcoholic husband for 25 years!!! He is a high functioning alcoholic. Only drinks 2-3 times a week. Only gets out of hand about once every 6 to 8 weeks - but when he does, it's ugly - mostly psychological but occasionally, physical. My kids 11 and 13 years are suffering, yet I can't break out. Somehow optimism has become my worst enemy!!!.My advice, Get out ASAP. Before you have kids or your too old to find someone new.Incidentally, he makes us a great living, in spite of his drinking - we live in a 5 million dollar home! I would trade it all for a stable, loving husband and father!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): My husband lies, cheats, steals and has now gotten to the point where he is making phoney receipts to show me that he spent money on petrol, gifts etc instead of on cask wine. But I always know that he is lying to me, perhaps I feel superior to him and that is why I stay? But one thing I know for certain, he doesn't love me, he couldn't care less about getting a job, but if I should pour out his cask then I know truly what his one true love is!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): The question: "What is it like to live with an alcoholic?" should be rephrased to say: "WHY would you live with an alcoholic?" There is no true 'living' with a substance abuser. They have an agenda all their own that doesnt include significant others, their children or family. My ex significant other is a binge drinker. I stayed with him many years, but after a short living together situation, I decided that the only thing that an alcoholic thinks and cares about IS alcohol. Dont believe that they somehow care about YOU, their job, family, friends. My ex was very secretive with his drinking,or so he thought, by hiding huge bottles of vodka. My ex thought he was 'hiding' his drinking, but didnt account for the alcohol on his breath every night or how he would stagger around and be incoherant. After his binge drinking he could become emotionally explosive and unpredictable. Who in their right mind would 'choose' to continue to'live' like this? I think now that I was CRAZY to hang around with this guy. Sure he was a 'great guy' when he was sober, but truly, how often was THAT? I want to be with a great guy all the time, not when the alcohol isnt available. This was a guy who only "got help" when I asked him to, not because he cared about himself to save his own life. And every time, he went right back to drinking. He couldnt stay sober for 3-4 weeks. He was arrested several times, even went to jail, still he drinks and drinks.... They arent invested in getting sober for their own life. I frankly got tired of the drama, I didnt feel safe at times and I refused to be part of the alcoholics partnering of becoming isolated and alone and just in service to helping the alcoholic without regard to myself or my family.I recently ended this nightmare,thankfully. Has it been easy? Leaving a relationship, good or bad, is never easy. But I now have moments of joy and peace that I could not have while connected to this alcoholic parasite. I am angry that I allowed myself to wait so long to walk away. There is living with an alcoholic, but there certainly isnt any LIFE in living with one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): Unbelievable. 25 yrs. of marriage and alcohol has taken ahold of husband. Like some of the other posters on here...my alcoholic husband also goes upstairs with "his stash" and comes down on occasion to yell, complain about any little thing, then goes back up to continue with his "bottle." He is functional, a totally different person while at work, it's like a Jeckel and Hyde all rolled into one person. Creepy. Debating the options of leaving.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): i married an alcoholic over 21 years ago. when we first got married, he handeled it good, but as the years go by, things change. you start out telling yourself, "it'll get better, he will calm down" but they dont. after about 5 years of it, i hated him when he was drunk and still loved him when he wasnt, but that changes to. mine is a bing drinker, he will go 3 or 4 days without a drink, and 2 or 3 drunk. he has black outs, he dont believe me when i tell him what he does. he has told our kids he dont love them when hes been like that, hes told me to, but i dont care. love turns to hate, but i stay because i feel sorry for him, and thats not a good life, its not a good reason to stay either. he had a really good job, worked for 10 years, bringing home over $600 a week, and i still didnt get to pay the bills, because that cut into his beer money. hes been in jail, i cant even count the times, hes wrecked, i dont know at the cars, cant keep one for him, and hes been in prison for something he did while drunk and didnt remember doing it when he sobered up. if thats the kind of life you want, stay with him, if not, run like hells after you. oh, he also hits me when hes drunk, and says its my fault for bothering him when hes drunk. and by the way, when hes sober, you couldnt ask to meet a better person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): My father is a alcoholic and Im only 11 years old. It is terrible , they don't care about anyone or anything. They will pass out and fall over every night, trust me no one would want to live with one. It is a living hell.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): There are not many replies from males, here is mine. I've been with my woman for 14 years, married 9, no kids. I've had the greatest time with her and love her from the bottom of my heart, forever, we are soul mates. But, the last 3 or 4 years alcohol has slowly muscled its way into her life. We were never big drinkers, glass of wine with dinner etc. A year an a half ago she told me she had alcohol problems, (I knew this anyway, but she was functional and I was in denial)I was finding empty bottles about the place, she was on a litre of vodka a day by now. She went to a doctors and got medication to come off the drink. From that point life has been a roundabout nightmare with her stopping and starting again so many times I feel like i would just like to end my pain and slit my wrists. I'm watching her waste away now, she has lost so much weight her skin just hangs on her skeleton. She has been in residential rehab twice and also in state funded rehab twice, not to mention countless home detoxes from the doctor. She's had the best help anyone could put in her way, but to no avail. She has no job, and she will be on the streets if I leave her, and I wish I had done it a year ago. Leaving her is the last thing I can do to help her, but it's like a knife in my heart, she has given me all I ever dreamed of, her true undying love but I have to turn my back on her now. In a few short years alcoholism has ruined both out lives. I look at pictures of the way things used to be for us, it's like a dream from the past and more and more I feel it will never return, unless, maybe if I left her. This is what it's like to live with the love of your life, who is an alcoholic. Advice to you, get away before he becomes the love of your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Hello :D my name is Gail.
I want to thank you all.. I am not alone with my problem. And have gained the courage to take steps to change my situation, through reading all your stories.
My partner is 57 and i am 42. I was a very heavy drinker with my partner, in fact that is how we met... in a pub.. during the day.. drinking. This was 8 years ago. I no longer drink. Cancer kind of woke me up to a few things. I have been dry for 5 years now. Harry goes to the pub at opening time every day stays for 4 hours comes home then drinks for another 4 hours then watches television picking at his food then goes to bed. This is seven days a week. I have no friends, my family wont visit me anymore. My life is empty and so very lonely. Most days i wake up thinking there is no point. The easy way would be to just finish my life. I have no confidence in myself, in my skills, I dont remember how to go out and have fun. I am no longer 42 my life is that of a house bound old woman. Depression and hopelessness are my constant companions. It has been 4 years since i had my last hug, or kind word. I am ashamed that my life has sunk so low :(
As I was an alcoholic too.. I can say there is a part of an alcoholics brain that just wont register there is a problem. In fact you think it really strange that everybody doesnt drink with you.
As others here have said, Run my friend. Loving an alcoholic is a very slow and painful form of suicide. Dont join our club matey. Take care and good luck. Remember you are special and are worth more..xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Like the other answer, run as fast as you can. You are not seeing the real person. My wife is an alcoholic and it has ruined my life. She is mean and nasty. Every night she goes upstairs and comes down every few hours to tell me what a lousy person I am. We have too much invested to divorce. It also affects our kids. RUN RUN RUN
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Hi, i was browsing on ways to live with an alcoholic on google because i have an alcoholic father and came across this particular website. my only advice is to get out as soon as possible! i don't know how my mother does it, they've been married for 27 years now and she is my hero. although my father is not physically abusive and has never called me names he does in fact have a problem. he never wants to do things with the family on the weekend and would rather be by himself so he can drink however much he wants, he doesn't like it when my mother goes out because he fears that other men are interested in her, it feels as though he is a complete stranger at night but a wonderful father in the morning. i think that the best thing a person can ever do is never get involved with an alcoholic in the first place..and if you realize that he has become an alcoholic get out asap. the agony and pain it'll cause you and your kids (if you end up having any) is probably the worst feeling ever. its a constant battle even if he may not drink in the morning. you hope for a change and yet there is no change. you see some progress and one single compliment can make him go back to his alcoholic ways. you'll always wish for a way out but life shouldn't be lived that way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Honey - you need to run. Five years ago I was madly in love with this man. We would drink when we went out, but never thought about alcoholism. I'm 47 and had two teenagers. We moved in together and then I realized how bad it was. He would drink wiskey in his coffee first thing in the morning. He got so bad that I begged him to go to AA or leave. He went for one and a have years, that was the best time in our lives...THEN he started again,this has been almost two years now. He's drinking Jack and at least a 12 pack of beer everyday. He drinks on his way home. I USE TO HAVE A GREAT SOCIAL LIVE, I WAS HAPPY AND HAD A GOOD CAREER. He has sucked the live out of me and I am in the process of getting rid of him. PLEASE, PLEASE SAVE YOURSELF AND STAY AWAY FOR ALCOHOLICS THEY WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): I have been married to a "functioning" alcoholic for 16 yrs. His problem is getting progressively worse. A month ago he totalled out our family car and left the scene of the accident. The police came to the house to get him. A month later, he's drinking again in between work and home. I've finally had enough. I'm getting out before he kills someone or injures himself to the point that I have to take care of him the rest of my life. I'm tired of all of his empty promises. If you are smart, you'll get out now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): Honey, you do not want to get involved. I'm married to an alcholic and he is perfectly normal around friends and family. But behind close doors a very manipulative, self destructive person, to me. It is not worth it. After 5 years of complete heartache our marriage is slowy coming to an end. Please don't get involved no matter how nice he may be. It is very painful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): I have been married to an alcoholic for 35 years. He has been the only love of my life - a great father, an excellent provider, always supportive, my best friend.I always wished he would drink less. And over the years he always drank more. He drinks beer and wine. Way back when is was a six pack of Bud a day. Now he drinks at least a six pack of higher alcohol malt liquer plus a bottle of wine. In the last ten years since our daughters have been on their own it has become so lonely for me. He goes to bed by 6:00 each night. We don't go out any more. We don't entertain anymore. I dread family gatherings. He no longer can hold a conversation (unless we talk before work at 6:00 in the a.m.) I do go out with my friends but I talk to no one about this. I don't want them to think badly of him. He used to be such a good man. I don't leave him because I do believe he would not survive long. I think about divorce but I don't know if I ever can. God forgive me, I sometimes wish he could die peacefully. He isn't happy anymore. But I did have 20 good years.
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reader, schrob01 +, writes (30 November 2007):
I was married to a drug addict for 13 years and I prayed that he would change. The only thing that changed was me! I started to learn how to love myself and take care of my own basic needs and put me and my children first..thru God. As i sought God, i began to change and realized how VALUABLE I was in God's eye. The marriage was abusive also, he drank also and was in and out of prison the entirety of our marriage. 1 1/2 years ago, i fianlly filed for divorce and it was the BEST thing that i ever did for myself. Now, i recently found myself dating a a person who was in a relationship w/an alcoholic. she recently started calling him, claiming to be sober (for one whole week!) and now he's torn between me & her. I told him what I'm about to tell you... PEOPLE don't change!!! Unless they take a LONG hard inventory of themselves and most addicts and alcoholics won't and don't unless something tragic happens. You will never have solid, loving relationship w/ an addict or alcoholic because they don't know HOW to love. EVEN AFTER the alky/addict gets sober, it takes years of counseling and programming to stop the manipulative behavior. Save yourselves a lot of time and GET OUT!!! It's not worth it!!! The guy I was dating, I kissed his b--- goodbye! He's obviously addicted to her! That's what being co-dependant is... it's being addicted to your alky/addict and all the drama that goes along w/it. Life is too short and you all could find some people who will TRULY love you! Learn to be good to yourselves, know God and then you will know what you are worth and be able to walk away from those who are unable to give you your basic need for love!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): My biggest dilemma everyday is wondering how to keep my wife from drinking. When she doesn't drink, she is incredible and an amazing woman who can do anything she puts her mind to; however, once she starts drinking I never know what to expect. Some days are better than others but most of them end with us fighting because I'm asking her not to drink any more and all she wants to do is get her next glass and party. I guess I never should have fallen in love with a high-functioning alcoholic, the real question is what do I do now...besides going to an Al-Anon meeting, which I have yet to do, are there any other options for trying to get our life or my life back together?
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reader, cheryld +, writes (18 November 2007):
Ah, the question of the century. I could put it easier if the question was how to live with a non drinking person. My father was an alcoholic, my first husband was into drugs and lo and behold I fell into the alcohol trap with my 2nd husband of 17 yrs. I have read the other answers here and I think it about says it all --an emotional roller coaster ride which seems to get derailed at every twist and turn. financially i can't leave --isn't that sad? i could if on my own but i have resposibilities of animals that i can't trust to him. [falling asleep w/cig, not feeding them or putting out, etc]. my daughter is grown and on her own and i pray she never has to go through what i go through and my mother went through. i can't tell someone not to get involved --a person does not listen -they ""think" they and thier love can change people but the love of alcohol for them surpasses all else. they think this will never happen to them. i know, i was one of those people. alanon says this is not our problem --i don't agree with that --it is very much our problem. my dream is to be with someone who comes home, we have a nice dinner and cuddle and watch tv --to go places without having to worry that my husband who says "i'll be right back" doesn't ruin the plans by coming home drunk after those few minutes, which are by the way hours.
he has recently decided to stop--even went to drs for help. did great for short time but now are back to -he is drinking again and only went to drs because i wanted him to quit, he did not want to, he enjoys drinking etc etc. there hasss to be an end to this madness sometime --i have wasted so much of my life being scared of someone driving while drunk or waiting for that argument over nothing. i can't count howmany times i have been told i am nagging, worthless and so much worse.
ilove him very much but i no longer like the person he has become. my advice is to run like the wind in the other direction --love does not conquer all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): I have been married to an alcoholic for 37 years. When we were first married and until our kids were in college alcohol did not interfere with our lives. He drank but he was always a good husband and father. Things got out of control about 10 years ago. We had financial problems and he couldn't adjust to a move to another state. Eventually I told him he had to stop drinking period. I gave him a cutoff date. That made him drink his butt off until the cutoff date. He went to a psychiatrist and got meds to get off the alcohol. He went on Prozac to help with the depression. Things were really looking up or so I thought. He decided to start drinking non-alcoholic beer. That of course tripped the alchohol sensors in his brain since there is still some alcohol in the non-alcoholic beer. He had a good job and we started a business together. Eventually he got fired from his job. I don't know if it was because of the alcohol or something else. I might have to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. Anyway he got a part time job and we worked on our business. The business grew and now we both work at it full time. It's not a business that has physical products or a business that can be sold. It is our only source of income. Well my husband has really been drinking lately. He doesn't really get drunk. He drinks beer from morning until night - usually in the garage where I can't see him. He bruises easily and he rarely bathes. I think he is also having some problems with incontinence or maybe he just wreaks because he has bad hygiene habits now. There is no sex. I want to leave but I have no source of income and we have a lot of debt to work through. If we sell the house there won't be much left over. I want to try and get some type of job or business on the side so I can start putting money away but I feel like I am frozen in place. I just can't seem to get it together enough to become independent. I am not even brave enough at this point to go to an Alanon meeting. My husband isn't abusive but alcohol, depression, and low self-esteem are ruling his life. I have made some friends that I go out with quite a bit. My husband doesn't really like to go anywhere. I am trying to have a life without him. I do know that he can't operate the business without me because he doesn't have any computer skills and this business is all about using the computer. So if I leave I know he will eventually be homeless. I guess I am just going to have to get stronger or more fed up to get out of this mess. I feel sorry for him. He is a decorated veteran and was a wonderful husband and father at one time. I don't know where that person is now. I think he is lost forever. I know he doesn't want to stop drinking or smoking for that matter. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I feel better. I am going to find a way out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): I found these posts wile searching the web for advice on how to handle my current situation. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. It took me along time to realize he had a problem. I rarely drink at all, and he handled his alcohol well. The only reason I realized he was an alcoholic was because I found an old diary of his from a few years before we met, and in it he talked about how his drinking was destroying his relationship at the time and how he was struggling with AA. The last thing he writes about is how "it is only a problem if I make it a problem". Essentially he has decided that there is no problem unless someone else turns it into one. He is a very functional drunk. He never drinks when he is working, and he is never violent. he just gets very touchy, and I am never sure what I am going to say that will take him from a normal mood, to a very brooding cranky mood. I have told him that it is hard for me because I know that I will have the man I love and am attracted to for part of the day, but I also know that wonderful man is going to be stolen away from me after 5 or 6 p.m. I also worry about his health. he is young and drinks about 8-12 beers a night, in fact last night he polished off about 2 and 1/2 or maybe even 3 bottles of wine in probably 7 hours. I don't like who he is when he is drunk, but I don't think he will change for me. There has to be another way to deal with this other than ending it. I waited my whole life the man he is when he is sober. Can I throw it away because of the man he is when he is drunk? I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): There is a lady here who replied to this question who has had a similar experience to myself. My husband committed suicide and after a while I met and fell in love with a man who turned out to be an alcoholic. I thought I could "fix" him with love. It doesn't work. What is so awful is that although he loves me and that I love him he loves the drink more and that is what it boils down to. I have to walk away. I wonder if it is a personality trait exacerbated by the alcohol that makes him violent, deceitful, manipulative, cruel and self pitying - or the drink. Either way it is academic because at the end of the road he chose drink over me and my heart is broken. So many people tell you to walk and leave. It is very very hard to do - but ask yourself one question - can I spend the rest of my life living as I do now? Is it fair to my children? Is it fair? By staying with him I allow him to drink, allow his behaviour and allow his decline. By walking away there is the one chance he will have to pull himself together and wake up to what he is doing to himself. The saddest thing in the world is that I don't think he ever will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): I have been sober for 2 years now and my ex-girl friend still drinks. She just can't get past 30 days. She is having problems being employed and can't be honest with herself. She has been rushed to the hospital twice and was cliniclly dead once. Still doesn't stop her. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is not a good place. The only thing you will be doing by staying is enabling them. They need to seek help on there own.
My heart and prayers go out to you and a I recommend going to an alon on meeting in your area, they are located all over the world. Don't put yourself in a situation that could kill you. I had the girlfriend and told her she had to leave after disappearing for weeks at a time. They need to go and get help at AA. It really does work, I'm living proof.
Hope everything works out for you and remember God loves you.
God doesn't put anything in front of you that you can't handle.
Dennis M
Jacksonville Florida
[email address blocked]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): I am married to an alcholic and have been with him 17 year. He is mentally abusive and calls me all the disgusting names under the sun. He has recently lost his job and now goes to the pub at aroung 2pm each day only to stagger in at 11pm. The only time he speaks to me is to call me names. I hate him, I have not slept in my own bed now for over 4 weeks and he has started to mess himself and the smell of alcohol is awful. I know I have to get out and divorce him. My grown up children keep telling me to. So I have decided to see a Solictor before I have a complete breakdown. Any advice would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): Depends if he is violent with his drinking, i grew up with an alcholic father, it takes over everything, drink is the relationship in the end, or the guilt that follows the binges. Be warned.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): i have lived with an alcoholic for ten years now and i have now decided it is time to leave.he is verbally abusive when he is drinking but absolutely charming when he is not.i have now reached the walking away stage.my partner has cancer and is now coming up to the end of the 5 year period of being clear of cancer.he stopped drinking for a while when he heard about the cancer but in the last 6 months he has went back on the drink.i never knew what mood he was going to be in when i came in from work. i have panic attacks i am on pills to make me function. i helped his alcoholism just by staying with him.i was a weak pathetic person and it is only in the past week that i have found the strength to walk away. He doesnt know that i have left yet as he hasnt sobered up since last week. i know i can have a better more normal life without him.This is it, i am going for it and nothing he says to me will make me change my mind. i have moved in with my daughter and am now looking forward to getting my life back for me. if the cancer doesnt kill him the alcohol will so really i know that there is nothing more i can do.If you are in this type of situation please walk away and let them fend for themselves because if you dont they will drag you down with them.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): I am in a very similar situation, as others have posted. I have been married now for 4 years to what I consider a "funcional alcoholic". Needless to say, I feel the effects of the alcohol daily. The low self-esteem, depression and constant need for praise is all my husband wreeks of, besides the beer breath. It wears me out! It is like an uncontrollable roller-coaster ride. He says he has everything under control and that he doesn't have a problem but I know better. The money that is spent on beer could pay a better part of our bills in one month. It makes me sick to my stomach. I guess I am maddest at myself for getting into this relationship knowing everything and thinking that my love would mend him....YEAH RIGHT STUPID GIRL!!!! I feel ashamed and I haven't even done anything... that's what living with an alcoholic feels like to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): I live with the most wonderful man I have ever thought worth being in a relationship with and yes, he is a functional alcoholic. We have known each other and our families since 1st grade. We are now both 48. He has never been married, never lived with a woman, and has no children. I have 3 beautifully grown daughters who lost their father to suicide. I then remarried and after 16 years, learned that I wasn't enough for the man I had been sharing him for a year with another woman...and I gave him the priveledge to be a step-father to my daughters!!!!???? So now I am living with a life long acquantance which I knew from our first date that he had a love for the bottle. Doesn't seem to matter if it is beer, wine, vodka, whiskey...the stuff makes him mean! He speaks to me in a very insulting way...is bringing down my self esteem and often times, I'm asking myself what is it I can do right! I like to drink socially and at home. I do not drink and drive. He makes me so disgusted and anxiously worried because he goes to the bar every day after he gets out of work for about 3 hours and then gets behind the wheel... By the time I get home between 7-7:30 in the P.M., we can barely have any kind of conversation. Over and over, I have told him to call me for a ride...but that has never happened. I don't do much that is right in his eyes...he moved in with me 2 years ago when his landlord sold the house he was renting in. I thought it would work out, was willing to try because I can honestly say, there is not a doubt in my mind that he adores me. I have 5 gorgeous grandchildren and 3 more on the way. He runs away whenever they are to come around. They are my everything, just like my girls...Tell me what you think???
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): I am curious to see if anyone else has expierenced this....
I have been married for 5 years and my husband drinks everyday. He doesn't get drunk but he does have 3 -4 drinks a night. I have absolutely no expierence with Alcoholism as I rarely ever drink (maybe 6 drinks a year).
It doesn't seem to affect his work but he is very short fused at home mainly with our children. He is very self-centered and puts himself first always. Is this alcoholism or just a worsening personality trait? I am personally on the verge of divorce as he wont try counciling with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): I am living with an alcoholic, my husband. I have watched him go from bad to worse, I give excuses as to why we cant attend functions. Our children are older now but still feel the disapointment of not having there father here. I watched him have seizures when he tried to give up alcohol. He now has heart problems associated from his drinking as well. I feel I have done more harm staying than if I would have left him years ago. When he is sober he is the person I married and we truly love being together. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with someone who has no control over his obsession? You will end up living as if you are on a roller coaster, an emotional one. Look with in your heart and see what you want for your self first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): I am glad you asked the tricky question. First you need to know ; There are many different types of alcoholics. 1.)the fuctional 2.)the dis fuctional
I was for many years a very fuctional drinker or so I was convinced. Just ask my son who lives on the streets using smack to self medicate. I also married a "fuctional drinker" He is much worse now and the desent is picking up momentum as it is distroying his health. I am still married to him. I have been sober for almost one year. I like it. I give my girls all that they coud want from a mother but there is nothing I can do to change there father; He is an alcoholic and in bad health and they can see this even though he is not being abusive to others he is teaching selfloathing. Take a closer look at this person' and don't lie to yourself.... If you are asking this question ???????????
your higher-self already knows the answer.
love&light
lady J
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): Hi i am a 22 year old and my husban seems to like the drink more than me or our son. I'm not sure what to do our son is a year old. my husband comes home late every day and when he gets in the door he is drunk and says i have not touched a drop, an hour later im having to wake him up in the bath. there is no restect im our relationship anymore but i still love him. when he has not been drinking he is a great father and husband but that is not often. Worst of all non of this seems to bug him, he seems to think there is nothing wrong. He is so up him self and all he cares about is money and drink. I dont want my child to suffer, what do i do stay and my child will grow up with this or leave him and my child comes from a broken home and i dont know if i am strong enough.Please any advise is most welcome
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): I am in the middle of the same things most of you describe. After nearly and 8 year relationship and 6 years of marriage, I can no longer deal with the constant demeaning, name calling and emotional abuse against myself or my kids. Do I love him?? Oh YES! I always will love the incredible man I fell in love with but the person that I have lived with these past years must have been switched around our 2nd anniversary because he is not here. I am blessed to have had the opportunity to spend a few of the most amazing years of my life with this man before he fell victim to the disease. And he will always be the ONE TRUE LOVE of my life. The daily rollercoaster ride is not worth the emotional turmoil that has forced me into a deep depression. I want to find myself again, like myself again and smile again and I now believe that all the above is only attainable without him in my life...... Legacy??? I pray for his biological children who will remain in the shadows of this physically and emotionally debilitating disease. Life is too short to live in misery. God Bless to all and if you haven't found the strength to remove the alcoholic in your life, the one would rather choose the bottle over ANYTHING IN LIFE, than may you find it soon! Give it to GOD!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): hi to all i am 42 and have had three relationships the first 2 were for 2yrs and 7yrs the third was with an alcoholic for 12yrs. I must state i was a confident bubbly full of energy and life before i entered the third relationship at the age of 30 i was tee total until the age of 37 by this time my partner addmitted to AA that he has been an alcoholic for 25yrs he abused the AA meetings,because of the states i had seen him i managed to control a drink the most i ever had as been 3 small glasses of dry white wine
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): What it is like to live with an alcoholic. My answer may surprise you. I typed in my google box the worst things about him. Lie, cheat, violent, drunk. And voila, I was brought to your question. If it walks like a duck, honey... My guy was great at first. He was sweet and he drank alot, I mean alot, but he was attentive and there for me. No he didn't make alot of money, but I have never been one to go after the money, but one day he made an awful comment about my vagina. Said he was joking. I stormed out of the house. I came back within 5 minutes and he had broken his hand. It progressed to him shoving me and now he is hitting me. He has cheated on me. If I get upset with him for anything, he becomes violently angry and/or manipulative. He is self absorbed, controlling and thinks that it's everyone but him. He rarely takes responsibility for himself. He won't help around the house. In two years I have had 2 black eyes, a hyperextended knee, I have a bulging disc in my back for the past year because I wouldn't move when he said move. He goes to work every day, sometimes works overtime. Says it's ok that he blows all our money on booze and strippers. He owes everyone we know. He is likeable when he is sober and it's hard to stay mad at him. I want to leave him, but due to health issues I can't work and I can't put my son in a shelter. He's almost grown. You make your own decision sweetheart, just as I did. But remember you have to lie in the bed you make.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): You'll See Another Side Of Him Real soon
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): I feel for each and every one of you that has had the horrible experience to live with an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a horrible disease that affects the people around the alcoholic more than the alcoholic. I have lived 11 years with and alcoholic and am about to the end of my ability to deal with it. There are times he does not come home, he is confrontational, and just down right mean. I am a professional female who has a very good position and this has created more problems in our lives. My husband rather than support me has basically done everything he can to destroy what success I have. He has created extreme amounts of bills in running around and having fun with his friends and now refuses to pay for them. We have a very young daughter who is sometimes in a state of confusion about why things are happening, these things are usually happening because my husband was drinking. This is the part that truly breaks my heart, she is so innocent and never deserved any of this. To make my problems even worse I found out recently that I was pregnant with our second child. After telling my husband of the wonderful news, his response was "who have you been sleeping with". Then when I told him how far along I was he was adamant that this child was not his. To add more salt to an already open wound, we found out at our ultrasound that it is going to be a little girl and he wanted a boy and his response was "yeah that's what I figured". My worst fear is that if I leave him and get a divorce that a judge by some weird happening would give him custody of my children and they would forever be subjected to this behavior, so as of yet I have not left him.
I feel for each and every one of you because I myself has felt your pain and when I read your stories felt your pain.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): I am in total agreement with those of you that say "run as fast as you can!" I have been married for 20 years and it was the same...at first when we were dating he was a "social" drinker and we would go and have a good time with our friends. However once I became pregnant (and stopped drinking for the health of my child) and he felt he "had" to marry me things began a spiral downward. He would talk about other girls in front of me while I was pregnant and joke that it was funny. I should have left at the time but still had feelings for him and felt that with enough attention and love he would stop and change. He holds down a good job during the day but begins drinking the minute he steps into the house. When our teenage boys try and hold a conversation with him he slurs his speech and gets very argumentative. He most often does not remember the important things they have mentioned to him. He has not remembered our anniversary, my birthday or other important dates in at least 16 years. He then drinks enough (in the privacy of the bedroom with the door shut - as if he thinks I am stupid enough to believe he is tired and has "gone to sleep") I have 4 children and 2 are grown and in college. I have 2 left at home and they will graduate in 2 years. Once they do I am gone! I am so worried that if I divorce him now when they would be with him he would not be the parent that teenage boys need. If I felt like I had some control over that I would leave him now. I also am a professional career woman but about 10 years ago quit my high paying job to take a job with better hours so that I could be there for the kids (as he was not). I feel like I would rather be alone and be lonely than be in a relationship and be lonely. I have never felt so alone, lonely, and disappointed. I do not love him any mlre and have not for many years now. At least when you are alone you do not have expectations from someone else. Do not think you can change them or their empty promises. They are married first and foremost to the bottle and that will never change. If anyone has some words of wisdon for me please share...20 years ago I never would have dreamed that my life would be what it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): Hey guys, I am the original poster....my heart went out for everyone who posted here, especially the two young girls who wrote about their abuses. I honestly didn't realise how serious alcoholism is....may be because people around me are social drinkers. I can't deny the fact that i still love this man but i didn't go into a relationship with him, instead i found myself a good job. I am still shocked by the stories people have mentioned here and the things they have gone through...i feel like a fool falling into something like this. But the problem is i still can't help thinking about him every day....he is my weakness just like alcoholism is his.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): The advice is pretty much the same - run as fast as you can. I am leaving a marriage of 9 years because my husband is an alcoholic. For most of that time just about funcioning, but recently getting worse ie picked up by the police, hospitalised, losing jobs etc. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it gets worse. Only the alcoholic can do something about this disease and the people around them only enable them to continue drinking if they try to help. I tried to help for ten years - it did not work. Your post was nearly a year ago, I hope you have got away and found someone better, no-one deserves to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. You wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who told you they loved someone else more than you, but that is exactly what being in a relationship with an alcoholic is because they love drink more than anything else. Last Saturday my husband had a bottle of brandy in his pocket to 'help' him through his son's 7th birthday party - it's sad, but walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): I have lived with an alcoholic for about 5 years, and we just got married two months ago. He drinks less than he used to, and when we first met we would go out all the time together, but now i dont so much, and he drinks every day. i knew all of this when we married, but decided to go ahead with it anyway. Feel sometimes that i made a mistake, especially when he disappears one night or more a week to get really drunk at the local bar. I constantly feel angry and lonely and isolated. I think i should go to alanon, but keep putting it off. I guess living with an alcoholic is a potentially harmful life, even if your partner isnt abusive. I often have panic attacks, and depression, and worry that I will get ulcers from worry. I worry about him, about us, and a wasted life. I always think that there is hope, and I love him, and want so bad for him to stop, but dont think he will. Either I will end up living a really dysfunctional life, or I will leave him. Lately I feel sad that we cant have kids, and have told him that if he doesnt sober up (completely), and we have kids in a year, then it will have to end with us. I have been making idol threats for years, but think that health-wise we will have to part ways if he doesnt stop. My advice is that I cant tell you what to do, but just relate my experience. I regret things, but i still have hope.
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female
reader, bellydancer +, writes (2 August 2007):
I live with an alcoholic and right now can't sleep with worry. I need someone to talk to. I thought he was doing ok. wrong. Here we go again
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): DO NOT GET INVOLVED. I am married (soon to be divorced) to an alcoholic, and trust me (as well as everyone else who has commented on this board), alcohol will ruin your life if you let it. I am about to go bankrupt, have to move to a different (less expensive state), and start all over. I've been with this person for six years, and finally enough is enough. The truth is that the alcoholic loves alcohol more than anything in the world (including you), and from my experience, will not stop drinking. You deserve better, again, do not get involved.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): My current boyfriend of 4 yrs. is an alcoholic, like the way you describe, normal like anyone or it would seem. After a time I thought it didn't make a difference if he drank all day and night, he started being critical and yelling a lot. The man has a lot of responsibilities and gets upset, acting like everyone is inadequete except him. After wards he tries to be really nice and do things for me. It's difficult to be with someone like this as he thinks everyone else is wrong. He drives with liquor in hand and sometimes the " plumbing " won't work which causes a very long night of him trying to please me, but at the same time, he blames me for " it " not working.If you can tolerate this behavour, stay. I don't live with this guy. We are both in our 40's.Good Luck to you and listen to your good inner sense.K
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): I am currently divorcing my husband of 21 yrs because he is an alcoholic (and abuser of prescription drugs). I have been married, yet emotionally alone for much of that time. If I had known then what I know now....I wouldn't have wasted all of these years trying to "help" a man who had no intention of being helped.I am wishing him luck, and moving on.My advice to you is to do the same.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): I grew up with an alcoholic father. I swore I would never live like my mom did. Then at 36 I met a man, thought I loved him and could accept him the way he was which included his drinking. I watched him drink EVERY DAY, I watched him quit his job after having worked there 12 years. He quit while he was drunk. I never realized the full effect of being with an alcoholic until I was with him. I lost myself being with him. I am now fighting to get myself back. At one point I had even started drinking with him. The relationship lacked any and all compassion, passion, love, caring, and intimacy. On occasion he would get extremely drunk and tear into me with his verbal abuse. Of course he never remembered the next what he said. But I sure did. Finally, after beinbg out at a restaurant with him, and him calling me a whore and telling me he hated me and I meant nothing to him etc etc etc, I left. I will not answer his calls, I will not see him. I have cried till I cant cry anymore..but I keep telling myself I deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): I have been married for 30 years and my husband who is an alcoholic now has a lover I help him all these years to recover but he never put forth effort He has made my life miserable and our daughter is suffering too I am deeply sad
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): I am married to an alcoholic now for 30yrs He has destroyed my life as well as the lifes of our two children. I have a good work and able to look after myself. My children are now out of the house but wil carry the scars with them for the rest of their lifes. Allthough he was never physically abusive he abused us in many other ways. An alcoholic is selfish and manipulative. I have learned to live with the situation but am lonely. Never get involved with a man/women that drinks to much no matter what their story is. Stay away. Rather be alone than to be lonely for the rest of your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): I am married to an alcoholic and we've been together for...too long now. She just recently got a DUI and stopped drinking because of being scared out of it. Within the past few months it's come back full circle but does not drive drunk any longer. She finds ways of getting places, taxi's, friends, etc. I am sad every day and walking on eggshells as to what the night/day will bring. I thought that I could love no other, but I'd rather be single than go through the verbal abuse of what is said each time she's drunk. I need to get out of my situation and don't know how. Please, take the advice from everyone who has written and DON'T get involved. Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2007): If you've fallen for someone who is an alcoholic, you have hope. You aren't married to him yet, and you don't have children. Please look the other way. I know it will be hard, but here's what you'll have in front of you: Years and years of a critical man who will make selfish decisions across the board. He may be generous with money, buy you nice gifts, or give you compliments, but he will criticize you in little ways, or tell you that you spend way too much, or not be there for the important events in your life. He will smell badly the whole next day after drinking as the alcohol oozes out of his pores, and the sheets of your bed will always have that odor, because he'll progress to drinking pretty much every day. In years to come, the alcohol will make him do stupid things: I'm not talking just about falling down at a party, I'm talking about the decisions he makes, little and big. He won't be able to talk to you with intelligence, and if you like carrying on a decent conversation with your soulmate, you can forget it. He will not be kind to your children. He'll be critical at the least, and they will always feel an emptiness because of it. The ups will never be as good as the downs with an alcoholic. You might want to seek some help to find out why you might be attracted to a person who you highly suspect is an alcoholic. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak if you do. The "love" attraction is very, very strong, but it's not worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): Your post (30/06/2007) just breaks my heart!
People in the past laid down their lives for the human rights and dignities and the laws to support them against this abuse - don't you slip the net!
You have to be really strong and break this circle and you and your mum have to report his abuse. Don't act rashly - Don't just walk into a police station & expect it all to happen in one night. You have to do it thru your school, or doctor, and get the authorities on your side, and get them to help you with housing, protection, additional income for your mum (if you need this).
Don't take NO for an answer!
I really hope it all works out for you. Why? Because your post has prompted me to take action NOW to protect MY son from my alcoholic abusive partner (SOB).
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): I am the sixteen year old daughter of an alcoholic. My dad has been an alcoholic since before I was born. He has ruined my whole family's life, which includes me older sister, me, and my mother. I grew up being not only the daughter of an alcoholic but the subject of a mother who worked night shifts and I never saw her. My parents used to fist fight a lot and I would always get physically and emotionally hurt by this. I remember vividly a time when a beer bottle was thrown at my head because I peeked down the hall. My mother has finally quit the fight and just deals with him. He used to be amazing when he was sober(which didn't happen much anyways)but now even when he is sober he is mean and emotionally abusive. He still physically abuses me when he's drunk. He never touched my older sister, and he hasn't touched my mom in years, I think that's why I'm the object of his violent outbreaks. I've fought back recently and became more independent. Let's just say a sixteen year old girl shouldn't have to fist fight her father. I can't give you a wife perspective, but this is what a child would go through, and it's not fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): Living with an alcoholic is an emotional rollercoaster that is difficult to get off. My husband is a functional alcoholic. I left him after 9 violent years of marriage because I didn't want our then 3 year old son to witness his behaviour anymore. I spent 8 years living apart from him but maintaining an on/off relationship with him because I found it difficult to banish him completely from our life because my son missed him dreadfully. After 8 years apart we got back together because I thought his drinkin was under control (how naive) - we have now been back together 6 years and it has gradually spiralled out of control. we have good periods when i feel his drinking is at an acceptable level and then for no reason that is apparent to me, it steps up and he becomes angry and aggressive. He drinks every day - I don't know how much but I think the constant alchol in his system affects his mood and his judgement. He has conflict with almost everyone in his life. I am a strong career woman but he completely makes me crumble and the situation is difficult to deal with. most of the time i want to leave (despite still having a small amount of love for him and desperately wanting a succesful marriage) but am scared to go through with it because of how he will react - he becomes threatening when i say im leaving. PLEASE DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH A DRUNK - THERE WILL BE FAR MORE DOWNS THAN UPS TO THE RELATIONSHIP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2007): I am in my twenties and have been with my boyfriend for almost five years. I can count on one hand the days he hasn’t had a drink. I’ve tried speaking to him about it but he is in complete denial about it saying, “it’s his little pleasure”. He is functional during the day, goes to work and deals with big accounts. Once he comes home he will have 4 or 5 beers or a couple of glasses of whisky, till he gets tired and goes to bed. On the weekend it gets worse. He starts drinking usually around 1pm and doesn’t stop till he passes out. He will finish a bottle of whisky in two days. He has two personalities, the sober one and the one when he drinks. He changes when he drinks; he feels he must prove himself to everybody and often gets into conflicts. I often watch what I say in fear that he will get mad. Once, he came home from a stressful day at work and started talking to me about it, well he kept going on and on for about an hour and half at that point I told I was tired because I too had a long day, so I called it a night and went to bed. The fact that I did this resulted in him taking a cup from the coffee table and he threw it in the wall spilling the contents everywhere and making a huge hole. He then took off to a local club, came home at 3am drunk, he had driven home. He was so dunk and he couldn’t even put the key in the door to open it. I was furious, how could he not care about risking his life as well as the life of a stranger. He didn’t care. We can’t go out for a nice supper without him getting into an argument with a person of the staff. He takes everything extremely personally and had become very insecure. He then causes a scene and start yelling in the restaurant, it is completely humiliating. His mom is an alcoholic and I guess that’s where he gets it. Nothing I can say will ever make him want to stop. He doesn’t want to help himself. It makes me sad to see that how this has completely overtaken him and how it controls his life. I don’t want to have a family and bring children in such an unstable situation. At this point I have realized that I have to think about what I want out of life. The house is for sale and I’m leaving him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2007): I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for four years now. I am older ... have grown children and two still live with us. He has small children from a previous marriage...also living with us. I love him and thought that somehow he would get a grip on this addiction but day by day my love is being destroyed by his drinking. He is a functional alcoholic in the sense that he does not run for a drink first thing in the morning..and runs a successful business. That is where the functionality ends. Our home is totally disfunctional. He starts out the day well...but I know by the time he comes home each nite...he will be drunk and mean. He is manipulative and controling. It seems the less control over his problem the more he has a need to control everyone around him. It is hard. Really hard. I have put everything I have into trying to make this work...my life's savings is gone...and I haven't worked in three years because I am taking care of his small children. I used to be a self-assured career woman...I have been reduced to a shell who lives on the edge of her seat every day...not knowing what will be walking in the door at night. hindsight is 20/20...I wish I'd never gotten into this. To anyone out there who is contemplating a relationship with a heavy drinker...Just say NO!
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reader, angel 86 +, writes (17 March 2007):
Hi,
My boyfriend is an alcoholic... I think that the advice given from the gentleman who is an alcoholic is excellent.. My boyfriend loves me, but he love alcohol more.. He has been to treatment and stayed sober for six month..he has started drinking again, just a little,,, but I know what will come.. His problem has destroyed all his self confidence along with many other things. I love him very much, but after two years it is getting hard.. You must remember that with drinking come infidelity,, and lying and many other negative things. Your honey is not physically abusive,, only mentally,,, that is just as bad.. And I am sure he was not that when u started to date him.. An alcoholic is capable of anything when drunk.. I have pitty for my boyfriend because he battles this disease, but what will it do to your mental well being also. Many people become recovered alcoholics, I often think that when we stay with them and do not set rules in place we become the enablers. Sorry and I will not do it again becomes very easy to say because they know we will except it every time.. You will have to decide on your own if you are stong enough to stand up to what comes with this man. Maybe you should find a support group around you to help you deal with this.. I am in the same position you are.. I know all the negatives but have seen the positves from my man also. Unfortuneatly there seems to be less and less.. I have given up many things for him and put a hundred and ten percent into this,, but i am realizing that his efforts in helping our relationship should be there as often. Good luck... and stay stong....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): have just read the updates on this post I am always looking for ansewrs on this subject. I posted on 27th Jan 07. My ex is an alcholic and is now living with someone else who like a drink where as I do not drink at all. To the male poster you said you will lie cheat why do you cheat is it because you can get away with it cause your drunk or is there some other reason like you regret it or you didnot know what you were doing the reason I ask is i still love my ex but cannot live with him lies cheating and would like to know why he does this but can never get a staight answer.The girlfiend knew his past and knows he cheats on her with me but the way I see it at least my eyes are open i am not living a lie anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): I am an alcoholic. I am a white male, 50 years old, college graduate, ex-business owner, professional, and most important a very caring person. I have always been a heavy drinker, (and thank GOD not a violent drunk), and came upon your question while seeking help for my wife and children.
I can't possibly offer you an explaination for an alcoholic's thought process within a finite amount of typing. It is truly an unexplainable disease, even as it comes from someone suffering with it's addiction.
I will ask you this. Are you so special to anyone that they will enter into a relationship with you, only after not breathing for eight hours? That is the best way I can explain what you are up against.
I will lie, cheat, hide alcohol, steal, beg and borrow to have a drink once a day, all day long, every day of the week.
Run, hide, and break off your relationship as soon as you can. You are unable to stop him from breathing, and you are unable to stop him from drinking.
I'm sorry, you as well as the people I love deserve better.
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female
reader, dollparts +, writes (21 February 2007):
 Hun message me with this one
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007): Hey thanks all of you who have taken time out to write your opinions on this one. Even though i have fallen big time for this man i am trying to forget him amd move on. It is hard but i guess, i would rather feel the pain it now then later
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007): I have been in a relationship for over a year now. I too knew he was an alcoholic from the first date. He had to stop at the liquor store and pick up his best friend...Vodka. This is my first experience with alcoholism. I have watched his attempts to stop drinking complete with body tremors and night sweats. I was always comforting him and supportive of his efforts to stop. I listened to the nightly rants about all the wrongs in the world and how nobody understood his pain. I shoved my own needs aside to meet his. I was becoming part of the problem.I left him last night. I had been excited that we were going to have a romantic night together and spent hours getting ready and buying food and candles. He said he was going for a drive to visit a friend and would be back in a couple of hours. When he arrived there I was all smiles eager to see him and in the door he starts his rants and I knew....I knew my night was going to be like all the others...within 10 minutes of his arrival he was asleep/passed out in his lazy boy....you see he went to visit his friend....Vodka.I just packed up my belongings and left. I want a boyfriend not a drinking buddy....I want a boyfriend who walks in and says...wow you look great....not "can you believe that guy next door...what an SOB!! or "my family just uses me...I give and give and give and what do I get" or better yet..."why didn't you put wood in the stove or feed the dog " I also knew that I had reached my limits with this illness. It was robbing me of my self worth, my confidence and my once trusting nature. Because of the unpredictability of alcoholics trust was a big issue. I never felt centered...never.So my advise to you is to run the other way unless you can learn to accept that you will never be his best friend and will always come second to his best friend...alcohol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2007): this is to the anon posted 1 jan that lives with her boyfriend yes your post makes a lot of sence but can i ask how /why can you accept this you said loved your b/f to death is this for real how can you stand by a watch someone anyone for that matter slowly kill themself with drink? yes i can imagine you feel sorry for him but when he said you can let it destroy you live with it or leave him how did you reach your conclusion? i myself lived with such a b/f but in the end i had to get away as it did destroy me my self confidence my self worth everything that is why i ask the questions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): Just be aware of what you are getting yourself into. I went through the same scenerio. My husband and I used to go out drinking and having fun the first year that we were together. Everything was fine Of course in the begining, he was always sweet and just perfect to me. He's always been a functional alcohol but the more time that goes by, the more he drinks and the easier it is to show his "bad" side. We have since had kids and I do not drink near as often. Even though he is functional, his moods are very unpredictable. One day he'll be all sweet and sappy (sometimes too sappy). Some days he just feels sorry for himself for one reason or another. Another day he might just snap at the smallest things. He will often forget important conversations that we've had. For a short time he did become physically abusive and (as they all are) he was always so sorry the next day. There are so many different emotions and situations involved with living with an alcohol. If you are aware that he is an alcoholic now, then you need to be cautious of your decisions. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with constant unpredictability? It has been 6 years and last year was our worst. I left several times and always came back after he would give his "pitty" story about how sorry he was and could not live without me. It has been 6 years now and though his "attitude" has gotten a little better but we still have major issues with his drinking every day. This has been the hardest, most emotional 6 years of my life. Think about it. Living with alcololism is an emotional, unpredictable, stressful, confusing and eventually depressing lifestyle. Save yourself the burden. If he is willing to get some help before you guys establish a relationship then it might be worth it. Just know that if he doesn't, it will only get worse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007): I live with my boyfriend and he is an alcoholic... I knew he was when we started dating, but I love him to death. He's not physically violent when he drinks, but he can be VERY verbally abusive if provoked. You have to realize that it is a disease, and support goes a long way. He once told me: "I am an alcoholic. You can either let that destroy you, accept it, or leave me for it."
He seems to go through cycles of being able to control and limit his own drinking... and being totally disabled, where for days or weeks at a time he will just stay in bed and drink and sleep all day. (He's in the latter cycle now...) But i realize that blaming him for his problem or dwelling on how it upsets ME is NOT going to help.
I'm hoping to get him into detox in the next week and to go to his NA meetings again. We'll see.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2006): I am married to an alcoholic and when we first were dating I knew he drank but didn't realize he was an alcoholic. It is miserable now. We have 2 kids together and they are unhappy and our family is very disfunctional. He has tried to quit many times to no avail. I say run away as fast as you can. You can't love them out of it and once your in it is so hard to leave. I know this sounds harsh but unless you are looking for a life of unhappiness tell him goodbye. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2006): Alcoholism is very sad, especially as it affects partners and children. You say your boyfriend is not violent in anyway to you which is a good thing. However you will never be his number one priority as the drinking will always come first. Not only that you have to consider the financial implications when someone is always spending their money on drink. Yes, in the beginning the relationship will be good because he will be on his best behaviour. But in time you will become angry and frustrated as you will never experience a proper committed relationship, always feeling second place to the drink. If you can encourage him to seek help, then all well and good. But he will only do that if he wants to. Don't deceive yourself into thinking that you can change him, by being good, supportive etc.
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female
reader, valmaniac +, writes (24 September 2006):
I am sort of in your same situation. The guy I've been dating for 4 months came to me & said he wanted to go to rehab. That over a month ago & he has not brought it up since nor went. We have since broke up twice (once was just a misunderstanding tha blew over w/in a week), but then 2nd time which was about a month ago came totally out of the blue with no explanation as the night before we were still perfectly fine (except for the fact that he was drunk on the phone & had been every night I called him that week). But he's like your bf, just a talkative drunk no violence or craziness or anything. Out of pure love for this guy I want him to finally go to rehab and treat this now before it gets worse or leads to more problems, plus it'd help our relationship too. My advice to you would probably be the same. Even though he still treats you fine and doesn't seem to cause trouble, I would get this guy some help to prevent anything like that that might occcur in the future and if nothing else, to protect his health (and yours). It won't get better on it's own and you don't want him to all of a sudden go Awol on you or have him get into legal or health trouble. Hope that helps.
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