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female
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anonymous
writes: I apoligise in adavnce for this un-organised mess, I just can't get my thought out in the right order.I'm have a really tought question on my boyfriend's mother.His mother is 60 years old. He is the Youngest of 5 children, but is still a 22 year old adult yet she mothers him constantly. I have very little time with my boyfriend as he is always with her. He constanlty has to pick her up, take her out and spend all day with her just shopping.I know he is close to his mother but I feel so left out, I'm never invited anywhere with them two and he spends more time with her then me, I'm often left alone in our flat. She really never makes any effort with me despite my efforts to be kind and polite to her. I know shes trying to keep hold of her last 'baby' but its unfair, I'm have serious reservations about ever starting a family with this man when he spends 70% of his time taking her out, she relys on him for lifts everywhere as she refuses to use buses or taxis at the age of 60, despite being married to a perfectly healthy husband. I can only see her getting more dpeand.I don't know how to explain my feelings to my man without him gettin upset. Am I asking to much for him to have less contact with his mother? I don't want him to think I'm sufforcating him. I really don't knowThanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (28 September 2006):
 I've had problems in the past with boyfriends and there mothers, some mothers have such a hold over their sons and there comes an age where the sons should really cut the apron strings and make a life for themselves which obviously includes their mother but not as if the mother was in the relationship aswell.
You need to talk to him and explain to him that you know and understand that his mother is very important to him but at the same time you love him and want to spend sometime with him aswell.
You also need to tell him that your with him therefore you would like to be included in some of the thing he does with his mother, you understand that sometimes it's nice they just spend time just the two of them but surely sometimes it would be okay for you to join in.
Good luck :o)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2006): I am sorry this is happening to you. You are in a love triangle of the worst kind. Your bf needs to realize that a dependant, over-involved mother is an unhealthy emotional manipulation of the worst kind and she is being exploitive. This is not about love; it's about her own selfish feelings which leads me to believe she is a unfulfilled, unhappy woman, herself. Sadly for your bf, he runs the risk of losing you if he doesn't make the break from her clutches. A man that is so attached and entangled with his mother will find it difficult and burdensome in life, to have a healthy, loving, balanced relationship with any woman, in his future, including you.
I fully realize that most Mothers want to stay close and bonded to their adult children but his Mother has yet to find the healthy balance between being a strong, supportive parent and a dependant, needy parent who simply can't let go. The best you can do, is try to communicate your feelings to him. This is serious because your love relationship has run into a severe problems. A man that is so attached and entangled with his mother will find it difficult to have a healthy relationship with any woman. Do you want to save this relationship? Examine yourself and your needs in relationships. You need to talk to him honestly about your feelings. Just talk about the fact and what you are seeing and experiencing. If he accepts that his Mother has a problem, then there is hope. He may have to address that he is part of the problem too and be prepared to do something about it. Try to understand he'll feel loyal to his Mother and may feel guilt about changing his behaviours towards her. I also suggest you both try couple counselling. Sometimes people like your bf, will not see the big picture unless someone like a mediator points it out to him.
Just realize this problem belongs to his Mother's...she really should be encouraging him to break the emotional dependancy so he can be a man and deal with life, in an independent manner. Sadly, his Mother has had him under her thumb for many years, now and he may not be able to make the break. The Mother needs counselling as well. You have a lot of work cut out for you, dear. I wish you the best of luck and I hope he see the 'light' before it's too late. Good luck and keep us updated.
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