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*cebunny
writes: What is he really thinking?I've been with my boyfriend for the past 7 years. We're both in our late 20s and I thought we were very happy together and he was the one. However, he dropped a bombshell on me a couple of weeks ago and told me that he couldn't do us anymore. No reason, other than he felt that I've worn him down. Well, we've been together for 7 years, not engaged and were not living together, although were planning to move out next year into a place of our own. After he told me that, he sends me jokey emails, kisses me on the cheeks and gives me hugs. So, naturally i thought everything was okay. This weekend gone, I went to see him and he was really cold with me. I said I thought we needed to chat and I told him that I felt my feelings for him were stronger than his were for me. He told me that every time I'd said that in the past, I'd been wrong, but now I was right. He said he felt the spark had gone between us. However, he hasn't really given me any reason for wanting to finish. One thing he did cite was my jealously. Basically, back in Feb he went to America without me (we live in the UK) to go snowboarding. Well, I wasn't allowed on this holiday and he went with people he'd met previously on the net. He actually went over Valentines Day. When he got landed (at 2pm) he texted me to say that he was going to stay over night in London. He basically stayed overnight at a girl's flat. A girl that likes him. He didn't contact me until 6pm the next day. Obviously I thought that he was cheating on me and when he got back we had a blazing row. He goes to London regularly, but when I ask to go he says that, that is his space away from me... Part of me thinks I'm better off without him, but the other part of me absolutely adores him, loves him in fact. We were meant to be going to Canada on holiday next week, but I'm not so sure it's a good idea. He has told me that we will go as friends, but I'm not to get my hopes up. I don't know whether I can go that way and not be able to hold him, kiss him etc. Just need some advice really! Icebunny x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): I have been doing alot of research on the internet about men and women's differences emotionally and how to understand what is on a man's mind. From a woman's point of view, I would say dump this loser! But I think you should evaluate things. Learn from this experience and keep an open mind. You two are very young and I can understand it if he needs to explore a little (not sleep around) to feel sure about you. The jealously you showed was for sure a relationship killer. Try to portray more confidence and security within yourself. Remember your friendship with him and why you love him. Understand his need to soul search and be sure if this is what he wants. The saying goes "men want what women want'. If you want and love him, show him unconditional love and don't be angry. This equation is quite common: He'll realize what he had and he will beg to have you back! Best Wishes.
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female
reader, jessi +, writes (14 September 2006):
theres one thing thats happend here the spark has completely gone,if you find it that hard to be friends with him then get him out of your life completely until you have healed then consider a friendship but right now its over and yes its going to hurt alot you have spent alot of time together but its for your own welfare trust me.xxxxxxgoodluckxxxxxxxxxx your wasting your time your worth more then this there is someone out there waiting for you but how can you meet him if your stuck in this relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): I totally concur with WildThaing on this. You do need to find the strength to say a final goodbye to this fellow. A relationship really needs two fully committed people, so if one of you doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, it's best that you twork hard at accepting that. You have a choice of whether to live life for yourself now, or to keep hopeful and pining away for someone who isn't committed to you anymore. You need to remove yourself from this man's life totally and it won't be easy. Hun, don't go on that Canadian trip and stop all contact with him, immediately. You need to grieve. You need time away from him to recover and heal. Call in friends and family for support to help you through this. He's told you his feelings..and yes, he was brutally honest. Listen to what he's saying. If he's telling you that he wants different things out of life and there's no way you can work as a couple, don't turn his words, and actions into what you want to see and hear. That's denial and you are hurting yourself all the more. It truely is time to move forward with your life. Don't shortchange your progress. Be strong, dear--we have all felt your pain and my heart goes out to you.
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reader, Herr Professor +, writes (14 September 2006):
 Icebunny, I know exactly how you feel. This happened to me. You should always go with your gut instinct, because it's generally the right one. I don't think that you being suspicious of his frequent trips to London, spending the night in the flat of a girl who likes him, and not contacting until the night of the next day is unreasonaable or an outrageous display of jealousy. That, coupled with the fact that he wants separate vacations to have time away from you, suggests that he was already distancing himself back then. It's really hard to love someone so much when they don't return the feelings, especially when they once did, but you can't be happy in this kind of relationship.
I think your ambivalence about going to Canada with him is justified. I mean, he wanted separate vacations with you when you were together, but now it's okay for you to go? No. No, no. If you went and saw him with other people, or God forbid another woman, how would that make you feel? You should be with someone who wants to be with YOU. Don't settle for anything less. You have many years invested with him, and making that break will tear your heart out at first, but when you meet another guy who loves you and wants to be with you, it will be so worth it, I promise!
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reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (14 September 2006):
 Honey, while he had the balls to break off the relationship with you I think you need to go further and make a clean break so that you can heal.
For the most part, since the breakup, he has been up front with you. He is finished with you and it is time for you to finish with him. Good luck and take care.
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reader, Juliette  +, writes (13 September 2006):
 It sounds as if he doesn't know for sure what he wants and he will keep you on a string thinking he will make his mind up, but it doesn't work like that. It is more a case of 'You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone' so hard as it may be for you, it is probably better to make a break on good terms, so you can both have breathing space. He will also be able to realise how much / if he misses you when he believes you have moved on. I don't mean trick him, I just mean, move on and see what happens. If you are meant to get back together it is better to do it when he has learned what you mean to him and not by keeping you on a tether to be there if it suits him.
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reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (13 September 2006):
 It could be an array of different things. I will start from the beginning. It could be the 7 year itch were he has become bored with the whole relationship thing. Or the other I can think of is that there is another woman and he is using this as an excuse to end the relationship. You said he spent the night at another woman's flat while in London and you know and he knows that she likes him. Then he didn't call you until 6 pm the following day. He may have told her that you all have already broken up and had to save face by not contacting you the whole time he was with her. You also stated that he goes to London quite frequently. This is another indication of infidelity. Personally, I don't like to pass judgement or say one way or the other but I think he is seeing this woman. He has the grass is greener on the other side syndrome and he doesn't want to hurt you by telling you the full story. I hope this isn't painful for you because this is only my opinion because I have lived it. I hope for the best but expect the worst. Good Luck.
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