A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Dear Cupid,I would like to know, in your opinion, what is a deal breaker for you? I understand that being in a relationship should be about feelings, connection, and love. Money or materials should not play a big part in a relationship. However, I can't seem to find a balance.My boyfriend is an Uber Driver. I am an Engineering Project Manager. My boyfriend has a large and I mean large family... Six Siblings, Ten Uncle/Aunts, and I lose count how many cousins, nephews, and nieces. My family is small.. just myself and my mom. There are always several birthdays every month. I am the one that buys the gifts and it's getting to be too much. For my mom's birthday, he doesn't even take her out to a meal. It's been like this for the past 7 years. I understand he doesn't make a lot.. but I feel that I've spent so much in this relationship. For example for my birthday, he took me out to a meal. For his birthday he wanted me to pay for his entire trip to Hawaii. He wants to get engaged and move in with me. I know his family has been pushing for this too. But I feel I will become his care taker and not his equal. I want a balance. Otherwise, we do get along very well and we are in love. I just don't know if I can forever be the one giving and giving to this large family of his. Is there something wrong with me?
View related questions:
cousin, engaged, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2021): You ask what our deal breaker are and tell us that money does not matter - you are wrong - it matters a lot. I have always worked very hard, at one time in my life I was very poor, not a bean, struggling to buy food. I educated myself, trained and got skills and worked very long hours to get myself out of that situation and into a far better one where I now own a lot of properties and businesses, have a lot of investments and savings etc. I promise you that I did not do that so that some lazy arsehole could come along and benefit from it. Nor would I want to be wit a lazy arsehole or a stupid guy with no ambition or real skills. I would be better off being single. This is not just about money. Even if I met a guy who had won a huge amount on the lottery he would not be for me because he relies on luck and does not make an effort to improve his lot himself. He would still be useless at making decisions, still relying on other people to get him out of bad situations, still immature, still needy, still needing me more than I need him.
A Uber driver can choose how many hours he works. If he is struggling to pay for things he can work twice the amount of hours, not take from you. And there was nothing to stop him getting an education and learning something that pays a lot more than being a uber drive if spending is his thing!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2021): In days gone by the gender roles were clear , women provided the children and domestic sphere and men the financial
However nowadays it seems women are expected to take on both the male and female roles whilst men do less
Look at the statistics on how household chores are divided and childcare . Women still do the lions share of both even when working outside the home
Think about the type of life you want . Do you want children , so you want to be doing the lions share and earning the doe .
These are just things to consider
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 September 2021):
 WHY are you funding gifts for all his family? If he doesn't earn much money, then his family have to understand he can't lavish gifts on all of them. His family is not YOUR responsibility.
I can't help wondering if he is from a different country/culture.
Not everyone can be a high earner. We need Uber drivers as well as higher skilled workers. However, you need to tailor your lifestyle (and your gift giving) to your earnings, not expect your partner to fund everything.
Are you planning to have a family in the future? What will happen when you have to go on maternity leave and he is the main bread winner?
I just bet his family are pushing him to get his feet under your table and secure his meal ticket (and theirs).
Money is one of the major things which couples argue about. It doesn't matter whether him sponging off you is a deal breaker for anyone else; it only matters how YOU feel about it. Personally, I would be thinking VERY carefully about whether I wanted to support him and his family for the foreseeable future. Only you can decide whether this is something you want to do.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2021): Who's really in-love? You, may be in-love with him; but he may be attracted to your earning potential. You've been doling-out cash and gifts the entire time you've been together as a couple. He makes very little effort, and expects you to come through on birthdays and such for HIS family. He lives on easy-street, exerting the least of effort; when it comes to making a living. Doing just enough to get-by. If you give, he'll take with no hesitance. It's okay to be a humble-person, and it's fine that he's a simple-man; but he shouldn't exploit the generosity of others.
If you cover for him moneywise; that means whatever he earns, he spends primarily on himself. Thus, he contributes little or nothing come holidays or birthdays; and probably doesn't even offer to go halfsies. He also expects you to have a great gift for him on his b-day and holidays! With no-doubt, you probably will!
It's all your fault. Why? You've spoiled him! You've made your relationship transactional. You've built your connection to your partner on materialism. Now you don't know where love begins and money ends. He's the male-equivalent of a gold-digger. He doesn't bother to work harder, or to save for gifts; because you're his benefactor. His piggy bank and sugar mama.
No worries. This can all be reversed. You just take a chill-pill and slow your roll. Stop showing-off to his family, and stop allowing yourself to be everybody's Santa Claus. You want to be liked, and you're using bribery and materialistic incentives to please him and his family. All you have to do is stop. Just stop! You've done it for so long, you'd feel too embarrassed to stop. You've built your popularity and reputation as "Lady Moneybags!" Well, here you are! Writing to DC! You've asked for advice; so here it is! I shoot straight from the hip!
Unwittingly, due to a generous-nature, you've based the foundation of your relationship on your financial-success. It feels good to be generous. It's nice to make everyone aware of our success! You ease any pressure on him, by picking-up the slack. That's fine, as long as it's not "expected" of you. You've accepted him for who he is. How much he earns isn't a problem; until he started taking advantage of what you can afford and provide. If you give a child too many presents, the child becomes spoiled and greedy. We never outgrow that side of our human nature. The more you get, the more you want. It's called "entitlement." Humans are greedy, and we Americans are conditioned to be capitalistic and materialistic. We are a consumer society.
Only, you're like many people, myself included; who like to lavish those you love with gifts, or pickup the tab. When shopping for gifts, I don't pay much attention to price-tags. I see something special I'd love to give someone I care for; because somehow it fits their personality. I want to see the look on their faces when they open the gift. It doesn't dawn on me at that moment, that I may be equating feelings with a price-tag. I've since dialed it down; because I've noticed some of my friends expect big gifts on holidays. Yet they seem to put very little thought into their gifts; and it has a feel of "reciprocation out of obligation." It's not the gift, it's the thought. It's what's in the giver's heart; and the grace upon which the receiver accepts the gift, or when we offer them financial-assistance. Expecting nothing in return. A man shouldn't feel comfortable taking money from a woman; because he can't earn his own. That has nothing to do with his pride or ego; it's a matter of character.
When people start taking you for granted and "expecting" you to pay the tab, because "you can afford to;" something is wrong in their mindset. They've lost sight of you, and can only see what you can do for them. Generosity is a spontaneous and thoughtful action you direct towards anyone, even a stranger. It's not triggered by the recipient's expectation, or done on-demand. It's fueled by kindness and a free-giving spirit.
Sit-down with your boyfriend and discuss exactly what you've written in your post. You're intimate with this man. He has seen you naked! He's not a stranger. You've known him for seven years. If you can't be honest and direct with him, of all people, whom can you be?
Are you afraid to lose the prestige among his family-members of being his successful-girlfriend? You've got to be certain your success is not the main incentive behind how he feels about you. You say he loves you, but your post doesn't completely convince us that you truly believe he does. You realize he may be taking advantage of you; and you also see he's lacking in drive and ambition. It almost seems as if he sees no reason to work any harder; when he figures you'll pickup the slack. He probably feels he can depend on you to carry the heavier-load financially. You created that monster; because you "feel sorry for him."
If people have big expectations, and feel entitled; they should have the ambition to match the size of their expectations. It only stands to reason. You want a lot? Then be prepared to work and earn the money to get it. Don't place it on anybody else to give you what you can't earn, work, or save for yourself. My parents drilled that into me from a child! It stuck!
Talk to him, and stop being his sugar mama. Do not let him move in, unless he can prove it's not about the $$$$Benjamins$$$$.
He's seems lazy and greedy. Let him work overtime for family birthday gifts. Get a better paying job, or find himself an extra part-time job.
Own some of the responsibility for this situation; because you, more or less, have implied he doesn't have to work hard...or show any ambition. It's not up to you to change him; but there are some character-traits that ought to be there that make you both a good match for each-other. You love him, but sometimes love clouds the judgement; and you'll overlook things in and about people, that doesn't speak well about what kind of person they are. Those particular elements in their personality may seem insignificant; or you may think you can work your way around them. That's settling, and not using discernment. These elements might become an issue that will slowly erode the relationship; eventually, they might kill it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 September 2021):
 The only thing that's wrong with you is that you have never said no to him. That you've never set your foot down. That you've allowed yourself to be exploited by him.
Read your own post OP. I don't think you need anyone to give you any advice for something that's a no brainer! Why are you even with this guy? What's in it for you? Are you ok with being his ATM for the rest of your life? What when you have kids? No offense to his profession but given your qualifications, how do you think it's going to feel when your kids say that their dad is an uber driver?
And the best part in all of this is his sense of entitlement! He wanted to to pay for his trip to Hawaii?! And you still haven't kicked him to the curb?
Run for the hills. Run and don't look back. Ever.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2021):
 you ask:
"Is there something wrong with me?"
Nope. Other than you are dating a guy who isn't your equal.
No wonder he is pushing for you two to get engaged and for him to move in with you! You are an amazing meal ticket and ATM! You are stable, in a good career, obviously making a good salary and all about fairly independent! What is not to love?!
You BUY all his family members' birthdaypresents? No, no-no. Just.. no. That is HIS responsibility! You are JUST the GF! NOT your monkeys, NOT your responsibility!
And for your birthday he took you out to eat, which is nice. But expects YOU to pay for HIM to have a vacation in Hawaii for his birthday? Did you go to Hawaii too? Or just have to pay for the expenses?
Are you nuts? Is he nuts?
Sorry... I just don't get it.
Do you NEVER say: "no". ??
Do you ever set boundaries?
Can you really IMAGINE yourself being married to his man and not only take care of him financially but his whole HUGE family too? I'm sure once you marry he will be VERY generous with his family with YOUR income.
OP, you are in a VERY lopsided relationship here and you know it. He will NOT EVER have any ambitions to do better in life financially, after all, he has YOU to help with the slack.
He might be a lovely person, but he is also a USER. He is USING you.
You write:" Money or materials should not play a big part in a relationship. " Yes, it should. That doesn't mean HE should make the same amount as you or be THE breadwinner but shouldn't YOU be with someone who is your EQUAL?
You have been with him for 7 years and still not living together. My guess is that YOU are dragging your feet because you know HE isn't the "right" guy for you.
He hasn't proposed to you either, because? Is he expecting for you to pick out the ring, pay for it and oh yeah, pay for the wedding, his family's outfits, transport, hotels as well?
OP, you are dating a leech. He is sucking you dry.
Think about it, HOW much money have you spend in those 7 years on presents for HIS family? Money that you could have saved up? For YOUR future, retirement, house, car, a vacation for your parents, or whatnot? I bet if you added it up it would be a large amount.
And while I don't think it's a bad thing to be generous, HE is the one being "generous" with YOUR money.
You have to decide if you are willing to be his CARETAKER and marry someone who doesn't feel like HE has to contribute financially. I'm guessing if you marry, his money will be HIS, and your income with be for BOTH of you.
How do YOU see your future? With him in it or not? With whatever that entails (you being the giver, the
breadwinner and caretaker and him just taking and taking)
I'm also not saying that the woman in the relationship CAN'T or SHOULDN'T be the breadwinner. That is fine if SHE IS totally OK with it.
Would it be a dealbreaker for me? Yes.
That doesn't mean it is for you. YOU have to decide that.
...............................
|
