A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel pretty bad admitting this but lately I've been so cut up about my breakup and missing affection that I have been actively seeking out people just to spend the night. I'm not interested in another relationship right now and I am really picky for this. I know I'm good looking so I have no problem getting men. I do it all safe and stuff. I just wonder what I really get out of it and if it's empty and soulless. I hooked up with three guys this week on separate nights. None of which I would want anything out of. This break up has been the worst thing ever for me because I was so in love with him. Is this normal? I just like the feel of a warm body in my bed and to feel wanted and desired cause he made me feel like trash in the end like I didn't matter. I know it's wrong. It makes me feel better at the time and then after I think it was pointless and not the same as sex with someone I love. But I don't want to get my heart broken again so for me it's easier just to pick people I only like the look of to do whatever I feel like for the night. I never slept around before but in some senses it makes me feel powerful that I can take what I want and then tell them to leave. I do it with the specific request that they remain in my bed til I wake up in the morning so I can have cuddles. It sounds so pathetic I guess. But at least I haven't been thinking as much about him. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, DatabaseBlob +, writes (24 September 2021):
Congratulations, you have been imprinted by Chad (the now ex). And now you have come to realize that he was way out of your price range, and it hurts, of course. It's like realizing you can't keep a favorite possession because the cost maintenance is too high and so you are forced to sell. This situation forces you to look at yourself in a more realistic fashion, and as is the case for most people when reflecting on the self, you don't like what you see.
To further explain the mechanisms behind your emotions. You are in a state of confusion about your self-worth, and your relations and sex marketplace value. You fear the truth is that you will have to go for guys that are shorter than your ex, make less money than your ex, is less chiseled than your ex and is worse in the bedroom than your ex, and you doubt that you could ever truly respect, much less love such a man.
You fear this very much partly because you know that your biology tells you not to accept a lower quality man than you have had before, partly because your social self-image is based around having a man of your ex's quality, but even more because you know that you should be able to love such a lesser man, because it's morally correct, but you know you can't. Therefore you feel that you must punish yourself for being immoral, by being promiscuous and performing as many degrading intercourse related acts as possible. Adding to this, since your biology hinders you from truly accepting and loving a man you find lesser than your ex, it follows that you don’t want to provide him, your future partner, with your sexual commitment. Better just give him the left over crumbles. Anything else you feel would be degrading to you.
The healthiest thing you can do is to bet on that you will find another man that you will love as much as you did you ex, and that you will want to preserve as much sexual purity for him as possible. Don’t dare take that bet? Then go on and degrade yourself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2021):
 I think in this day and age, yes it's "normal". But... It's also a really bad way to work through a breakup in my opinion. And it IS meaningless - pointless.
I would compare it to someone who is outside in the coldest weather you can think of, ass-deep in snow and freezing, so they pee their pants to keep warm. It might FEEL good in the moment, but the 20 seconds of Ah I'm warm that felt good..... will turn into a WHY the F did I do that?!
Having "meaningless sex" will NOT help you. You might THINK you are being safe - STIs such as herpes, genital warts, and syphilis can be spread from skin-to-skin contact, or hook up with someone who will harm you. It doesn't matter if you've had sex once or 100 times.
You are LETTING random men USE your body like a blow-up doll, thinking that the body contact will make you feel better. Think about that. NONE of them give a single shit about you. They just want a warm hole and move on to the next DESPERATE chick.
You need to find a better coping mechanism. I'd suggest journaling - write through your hurt or working out, hiking, or volunteering somewhere.
You are of the generation where you want instant gratification and don't really think too deeply about whether it can be harmful (to you and others) as long as you are satisfied IN the moment. There is not a lot of self-control going on. LEARN to deal with yearning, wanting, and accepting that being single is OK, sleeping alone is OK.
I think (and I say this as a mom of 3 daughters) YOU are selling out and selling yourself short. And I wish you were more concerned with your personal growth and safety.
While it might make you feel powerful NOW, if something goes wrong (you end up with a guy who hurts you or someone who gives you HPV or herpes) or you STOP and think about what you are doing with your body, it might not feel so great any more. You need to take care of yourself, BE good to yourself. Having meaningless sex is not a good way to do that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2021): I think the other have already said the important stuff.
All I will add is this ...
You may crave a warm body in your bed now but that is simply because you crave closeness. Whether you care to admit it or not, you miss that aspect of a relationship. You will get that again but you need to get through the hard part first.
As a woman who has been single for years, I can tell you hand on heart that once you get through the pain and gain your independence, it is WELL worth it. It's like losing 20lbs, or getting that promotion that you've always wanted! It really is that good. Not tastes better than independence.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 September 2021):
 I'm not sure it is "normal", but it sure as hell isn't unusual. If people are hurting, they seek something to dull the pain, until such time as the pain subsides enough for them to realize a temporary fix isn't much use for the long term. It appears you are getting to the point where you are beginning to take this on board.
You will stop sleeping around when you are ready and when you have got your head around what happened with your ex. In the meantime, please keep safe (sexually and physically). This pain will pass in time. Allow yourself to grieve, give yourself a breather, then shake yourself down and get on with the rest of your life. This is just a chapter in your life, not the whole book of your life.
Sending hugs. Be strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2021): Error corrections:
"You've become [disillusioned] about love, and have lost all hope."
"You can't judge a book by [its] cute and gym-chiseled muscular cover!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2021): You are on the rebound. You are angry, and resentful of the pain and rejection; even if you may have been the one who initiated the breakup. You've become disillusions about love, and have lost all hope. Life is so unfair! You hate him and love him at the same time.
I will not say it is normal. Hurting and belittling yourself isn't normal. It is for sure, very unhealthy. Regardless of gender!
Sex should not be abused, used as a weapon, or used like a "painkiller" when you are in emotional-distress over (and immediately after) a breakup. Your head isn't right.
BTW, you can use all the health safety-precautions you like, but having several lovers in close-succession increases risk of infection. Condoms break! If you have contact with a person's blood or body fluids you could be at risk of HIV, hepatitis B or hepatitis C, or other blood-borne illnesses. You can scratch in the heat of passion, or break skin with a cut. If you're drunk you might be unaware!
You can only cover his penis with a condom; not his or your entire body! No precaution is 100% effective! You can catch more than an STD these days! You can be exposed to deadly viruses! You might bring home, or go home with the wrong guy...I mean THE WRONG GUY!!! The kind you hear about on the news, or see in scary movies! You can't judge a book by it's cute and gym-chiseled muscular cover! He could be the devil!
Bad-behavior also comes back to bite you in the a$$! You may run into these guys while you're with someone you're serious about. They might be glad to remind you about the fun they had in-front of your date; or proposition you at an inappropriate time. You're using your body recklessly; and treating other human beings like they're useless and dispensable. You don't always need a warm body in your bed. You need to be independent; and to regain your self-awareness and self-worth. You're undergoing the withdrawal-effects of the detachment-process.
Being in relationships is good for us; but we also need a sense of individuality, and to know our own strength and potential. Your life is not centered around being with a man; obviously, you won't always have one. There are times you can have a man, and feel completely alone and isolated! You're trashing yourself, because someone made you feel degraded and worthless. I know the feeling! Been there, and done that! Trust me, I feel you!
Hopefully, you'll get it out of your system soon. You are a female, going home with strangers is very risky. Some guys don't take no for an answer, and some may have things in-mind you aren't into. You may not want to, but he might insist. With the wrong-guy, everything is consensual.
I think you need to be around other womenfolk. You need a person you can vent to and confide in. You also need to be alone; so you can sort-out your feelings. You're being self-destructive; then deluding and rationalizing why you're doing it. You are placing your mind, body, and soul at risk; because someone has hurt you. Oh, how I know the feeling! You're purposely doing everything mama told you not to do, and you're giving judgy-society the middle-finger! Hurting nobody more than you're hurting yourself, sweetheart. I know your pain.
Okay, you've come here with a cry for help. It's time to accept that your relationship has ended, but not life itself. He doesn't have a right to have this much control over your feelings once he's gone. You're proving nothing to anyone; but you are hurting yourself emotionally and psychologically. You're numb right-now; but the remorse and guilt is a delayed-reaction that suddenly hits you like a ton of bricks.
You need to call your best female-friend, or your closest and most cherished female-relative; and stay with her a few days. Just to get your head right. You're out-of-control, Missy! You're not helping yourself by picking up random men, and throwing yourself at them. It's meaningless, so there's no reason to continue doing it. Is there?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2021): I did it once, to get over a assh*le boyfriend. I loved every moment of it while it lasted; the only difference was that I was sleeping around with just one guy who was a colleague and he fell for me. That ruined it. Other than that, as long as it's safe and you're safe, why not? Yes it's meaningless but if you get an orgasm or two out of it and a fun night then go for it! Not everything has to be so serious in life!
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