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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I feel like I'm typing to a damn therapist or something but here goes...When I was younger I had an abusive dad. He would whip me continuously with his belt whenever I misbehaved. Looking back though, I never really did anything that bad. He used to beat all of us, even my mom, eventually he left us all for someone else.Maybe that's why I turned out the way I did. After my dad left my mom used to hit me with a broomstick or whatever she carried in her hand, whenever I did something wrong. Now sometimes I get really angry or frustrated and I just can't control what I do. Sometimes I lash out at everyone. My mom, my sister, I yell at them and sometimes I beat them. But please don't criticize me for this, I'm trying to change and stop myself but I can't. Somehow they forgive me and we move on from it, we're all very close and we tell each other everything. We are usually very happy and always laughing together but other times we're breaking. My mom always yells, my sister always yells, sometimes all we do is argue and make each other cry and hate. We're never hateful for too long, we've been through so much as a family.We're happier now. There's less arguing and we don't make each other as angry anymore. But I always worry. What if one day in my future I meet someone I love, I have a family. What if one day I turn into my father. I don't like hurting people, I hate hurting people and I always try not to, for their sake and for my sake, just so I don't feel so ashamed. I do my best to make it up to them always.There are times when I know in my heart that I'll be better and I can take care of everyone and make them happy, provide for them and just show them how much I appreciate their love. It's those times that I feel confident about my future, starting a family of my own and having a wife and children. I feel like I can be the best husband and the best father but I can't forget about my past and what I've done to everyone. I can't stop being afraid that one day I'll just go back to being this horrible thing.I don't know what kind of answer I'm looking for, I just need someone to tell me that maybe everything isn't so bad. Please don't suggest therapy or professional help, that's not an option.thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): I understand what you are going through and I want you to know that within all of this pain and anger... lies the beginning of true growth. You have within you the ability to turn this horror into tenderness. You have within you the ability to become a kind person... a truly kind person.
Anger is really fear and hurt swirling around inside wanting to find solace. Wanting the anger and fear to end. So, people lash out. Animals who have been beaten, caged, and abandoned will attack. A maimed or sick animal ... when cornered... with fight like a raging badger... even attacking the one who is coming to help them. It is then that the fighting becomes a mindless act... almost programmed behavior.
I have had some of the most horrible experiences imaginable... and began to go down the wrong path with my own life. I was angry and bitter AND depressed. I was afraid just as you are. When would I snap and become a monster?
Then I began reading. I read books on philosophy, spirituality, etc... and I realized something. That sometimes we have experiences placed in our lives so that we have the power to CHOOSE. When this mistreatment is directed toward us ... we can see it as clearly wrong. It is unjust. It is abuse. It is misguided. It is cruel. It is unwarranted and unjustified. We can see if for what it is....
We can be angry because someone did it to us and ... turn around and do it to others mindlessly...
Or, we can CHOOSE to never ever do that to anyone BECAUSE we have learned first hand that it was cruel and unjust.... AND that we do not want to be a part of doing the work of an abusive monster.
It was that simple... and yet that difficult... for me. I chose not to do that to anyone BECAUSE I knew it was wrong. Now I stand up for those who are mistreated and I won't hurt a fly.
Mistreatment can create anger, but mistreatment can also be the fertile ground for developing true character and kindness. When we are part of a dysfunctional and abusive home... we are programmed by their insanity. When I began reading about different philosophies, spiritual points of view, etc... I was exposed (for the first time) to ideas that I had never experienced before. There was someone inside of those pages... behind those words... who was an actual human being with the capacity to see beyond the confusion and give me the guidance (yes guidance) I never received growing up.
One of the biggest mistakes we can make is assuming that the only teachers in our lives need be the ones who are around us. That all of the learning in our life must come from our family, friends, work or school. Each one of us can go on our own journey of living and learning ... independent of this tight circle we create for ourselves and open up to our hearts and minds things that we never though imaginable. Points of view and moral challenges that the immoral and insane people we live with could never comprehend.
I looked beyond my circle... beyond the trappings of my life and read the thoughts of some of the most successful and perseverant individuals through the ages. I learned how the journey of the Phoenix rising from the ashes is the greatest of all accomplishments... I have learned from inventors (Thomas Edison) how their journey... of never giving up... led to immeasurable gifts to the whole of mankind. I read tales of men such as Alexander Graham Bell (the inventor of the telephone) who fell into bankruptcy over and over again... rejected by his friends and almost thrown into debtors prison... and never gave up.
They never 'believed' that the THINGS happening around them MEANT anything... In other words, failing at their invention did not mean they were failures... or that they should believe that they were a failure. Failing at a stage of development of their invention was seen merely as a part of the process.. Now they knew what not to do. Did you get that? Now they learned what wouldn't work.
You know that violence and anger don't work. You've recognized that. Now you must find what does work. We become angry when we are not loved. We become angry when we are not accepted. We become angry when we are beaten. We become angry because it is wrong.
So learn right from wrong. Let this horror be a lesson on the difference between right and wrong... and not allow it to serve as a mindless example of how to behave. It is not your roadmap... let it be your detour to finding who you really are. The you that is you. Who would you have been if you were in the right home with the greatest parents on earth? Would you be different?
Give yourself time to imagine that. Really. Imagine who you think you'd be if you weren't abused and abandoned. And then realize that the person you are imagining is who you really are... you are just confused and clouded by what others have told you.
So, like the inventor who wouldn't buy into the idea that he was a failure because his inventions didn't work... Get up and see yourself and your life as a process. It is a process that you can take in any direction you desire to take it in. You can accept the wrongdoings committed against you as proof that it is wrong... and you can do the right thing. Be the guy who you imagine COULD HAVE BEEN if he were loved.... Because the truth is, that you'll get that love when you make that change... Maybe it will never be from the dysfunctional family members... but maybe it will be from those whom you inspire through your hard work and goodness. Your payoffs come later down the road, sometimes.
Don't settle for being caught up in a broken video tape that keeps rewinding from generation to generation. See the truth inside of you and make a difference and stand tall knowing that you can. That must become your new truth... the moment you can see beyond the cycle and see who you could be... then you can be. You can be anything you want to be.
Godspeed.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): I know you said you don't want to be advised anger management and domestic violence therapy but that's an appropriate way. If I could do it all over that's what I'd do but since I was thick headed it costed me my 5 children, wife, job, house you name it. I did have therapy after the fact but I the marring I did left my exwife in hate for me and til this day she turns her back to me won't even look it me.I wish I could do it all over again.you have a chance take advantage of it it can only benefit you.
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female
reader, alice0110  +, writes (4 December 2010):
it sounds like you have been through a really difficult time in your life and its good that you are aware that their personality may be reflecting onto you but you are wanting to change it.Also, its good that you are thinking about the future, but try to take something positive from something negative.you have been through alot and im sure you wont mind me saying that at times you maybe didnt/ dont have the happiest childhood. but from this you can learn what it takes to make people happy by looking at what angers others.im sure that one day you will make a fantastic husband and father, but for now, just focus on trying to control your emotions and try to remember that you are not alone, other people have/are going through this and therefore, there are always people who are willing to help. good luck for the future :)
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reader, AgonyAuntiee93 +, writes (4 December 2010):
well, i think you are thinking very far ahead, but it is very good that you are; if you promise yourself that you will never be like your abusive father, you will find that you proberly will not turn out like him?well you need to know how to calm yourself down straight away when you start to feel angry, control your anger maybe? although, because your beatings you recieved from your dad were physical, when you lash out they become physical too. never discount theropy; it could really help you.. hope i have helped you a bit? x
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 Im afraid of the same thing. I had a father that was not a good father at all, while he would hit me at times the worst was still his anger, and reaction upon things that were minor/not the children's fault at all. So I recognize what you say when you said you think back and what you did wasn't really that bad. You didn't deserve that treatment. You suffered from an abusive childhood, and naturally that leaves it impression on you.
What I have learned/believe in is this: during the childhood you were not able to develop normally like you should have. Now that you are older is when you need to grow as a person, that includes learning how to control your anger, to balance yourself, to express your emotions in better ways etc. All these things you were supposed to have learned as a child, but your parents taught you otherwise.
Your fear of turning into a man like your father is reasonable. I fear that I will turn into my father as well, I know I have his temper, I know I have his anger inside of me, and anger towards the things he did when me and my siblings were children. And it is almost like a drug to release that anger. But it is not good for you or for your surroundings. You need to work very very hard on learning to control your anger, and your feelings, and to understand your feelings.
I've hit as well. And I regret it. I am working on it, and I am slowly turning into a more controlled person, someone who understand themselves more than most people do. I think you need to follow that same path and accept that you are facing a challenge, and you can not just ignore this or you surely will end up abusive yourself. But at the same time, allow yourself to have this problem, recognize that your parents/father didn't do their job to teach you what you need to know to control your emotions and express them. Probably they didn't even know how to do it themselves. So it's up to you now to learn what most children already know, and that is a huge task.
I do suggest you seek out therapy from a professional to talk about this. An abusive/neglected upbringing is classified as very important, and might even move you further up on any waiting lists for therapy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): ~DEJA VU~I was reared similiar to you..HOWEVER..rather than turning out like my father, I've turned out like my mother...DRAWN ONLY TO ABUSIVE PARTNERS...be it physical and/or mental abuse.My recent ex was the most emotionally abusive...one sided stuff...There is this one who is 100 percent nonabusive...but I'm not in love with her, and I wonder if it's because she's so kind, sweet, thoughtful, compassionate and understanding of me...and she's really gorgeous...Not only does she look like Halle Berry's clone she looks better...she's an OB/GYN/PEDIATRICIAN...she is selfless...she worships the ground that I walk on...I've come along way though...I don't allow anyone to treat me like a doormat anymore...My ex put me through emotional hell and I couldn't pull away no matter what I did...BUT...enough was enough.I really am glad that you are addressing this issue as it's potential impact upon you...because you don't want to be an emotional or physical abuser because that hurts...My ex really hurt me...did some serious damage to me to the point where I had to seek therapy.She messed my head up bad...But I will admit...in the end I started fighting back and began to emotionally abuse her back and that was cruel. Try therapy.
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female
reader, Mjfbla  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 Aw im soooo sorry. I understand where you are coming from, my dad was an alcoholic and became abusive. But honestly (and u may not want to hear this) ur dad made his choice by beating you. You beating ur sister is ur choice. U cant use ur dad as an excuse because he isnt the one doing it u r. U r responsible for you own choice. I know ur working not to do it, and thats great good job! But until you can get into a fight without hitting dont think about getting a girlfriend or having kids. Find another way to deal with your anger. WHat would keep you from hitting your gf/wife if you cant even stop from hitting you mom/sister? Whether you become absuive is you decision. U can learn from ur father and follow in his footsteps, or look at him and say I will never do that, I will never hurt the people i love. He showed u what not to do, now its up to u to choose what to do. and it is ur choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): It is really good that your family is getting on better. And that you are building the relationships between you.I am very happy for you. Due to the violence in my family i had to walk away, because I felt they would never change. They still have not changed.Instead other people took their place as people i look up to.At first I never wanted to be a parent, because of my upbringing. I grew up with horrid things: alcoholism of father, my mother saw no problem in unfaithfulness. In fact i think she regarded two men fighting over her as proof of her attractiveness. I hated all of it. The screaming, door slamming, verbal abuse, hurtful spiteful behavior, things thrown. My parents often in trouble with police for noisy nasty arguments. Being hit with sticks, switches (live new green wood with leaves still on - we would be hit until no leaves left on the wood). It was horrible. Never could I ask anyone to my home after school. Because I never knew what state my father or mother might be in.But i left it all behind. And i did get one year's counselling when i left the family home. Because i felt like I was abandoning them. And i was worried that people would 'judge' me for walking away from my family. I need not have worried. I have discovered that many families out there are not perfect. For me it was safer and better to walk away from physical, emotional and psychological violence that threatened my safety and happiness. And I made a decision to never behave like my mother and never behave like my father.I can really recommend some Anger Management Courses, Assertivenesstraining and some counselling.When the plumbing goes we get a plumber.When the electrics go we call an electrician.When we need the support of any professional we call them.Getting counselling is like that. And you are not 'ill' if you are seeing a psychologist, you are just getting good quality professional support to explore some issues of concern to yoy.If you find the right one, fully qualified psychologist, not some charlatan, it is amazing how it is. It makes it all clearer.I found it a great support. My parenting skills are pretty good too. My husband's family are wonderful and my mother in law is my greatest suppporter. You can overcome abusive parent/s.
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 December 2010):
 Why is therapy not an option? If you got ran over by a freight truck, Would you try to treat it your self with a few band-aids? Would the Emergency room be "not an option?"
The first step on the road to healing is to admit that there is a problem. You are there. You don't have to become your father, but you need help to get past this.
So far you are doing all the right things. But you still lash out when someone makes you angry. You need to learn to control and own your anger and not blame it on those around you. Anger is your reaction to outside stimuli. No one can make you angry, you choose to be angry. This is hard for everyone, even people with no history of abuse.
You need to learn to control your feelings before they get out of hand. You also need to find appropriate outlets for your emotions. If you can do this yourself, that is great. Sadly many people in your situation can't. Therapy is often self help. I just worry that you need some help from outside your family. I guess I'm just glad that you asked here, it's a good start.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Firstly you're very young to think that far ahead but it is good that you are.
I come from the same kind of background and from your age I made a promise to myself I wouldn't be the same and I'm not.
First things first though. You need to learn how cope with your anger, you need to learn how to "Time Out" and you need to make sure you never lash out again. It's not hard by the way, it's actually quite easy. Now I know what it's like to fly into an uncontrollable rage the trick is to learn how to vent that. You know when it's coming on a good while before it happens, you know but out of habit you will keep going in whatever argument or fight you're having because you have that need to vent your rage. Your beatings were physical so your anger and frustration becomes physical too.
What helped me control mine was martial arts. Thai boxing to be exact. I trained 3 nights a week. Most people think Thai boxing or martial arts is about hitting people hard and fast but it's not. It's about disciplined combat, it's about being able to channel your power to well coordinated and disciplined attacks all while being under attack. It can be hard to remain calm and relaxed while getting punched in the face but if you lose your cool then your opponent will make mince meat out of you because they'll outthink you. It really is fantastic for learning to keep your mind focused and calm in the heat of combat or other stressful activity. Plus kicking the crap out of a punch bag is a great stress reliever.
Martial arts are better than any therapist. Plus the confidence you get from being able to defend yourself breeds humility. Seriously look into joining an mma gym or something.
Now back to time out, time out is essentially what you need to learn when you feel the urge coming on, when you feel your anger is building up. Now a lot of people say count to ten in your head. What worked for me was walking away from the situation and going a few rounds with a punch bag all the while focusing on a reasonable and logical solution to whatever situation I was just in. Now you don't have to and can't always just go off and start hitting a punch bag. So in situations where that wasn't possible then I'd think it in my head. I'd go over strike combinations in my head, picture myself fighting another person in the ring. I'd take my mind back to the discipline I learned there and use that discipline to calm my mind down. Or at least hold it off until I was free to go be alone and punch the crap out of my punch bag.
Never discount therapy or professional help in the future okay? Seriously it's better than having to try and live with physically hurting the ones you love.
As I said earlier the fact you're thinking about it now is a good thing, you have a long time to learn to control your anger. Just always strive to do that.Do whatever it takes to make sure you can. But start off by never hitting your mom or sister again. Never again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): I have a son in your position. I was also abused by a man for nearly 20 years. I had 3 children with him. The eldest is now 22 and when he was 2 his father was abusing him. I eventually involved the authoritys as i couldnt stand to witness this abuse. It is a long story but my son who was also abused like you is not a nice person at all and now trys to bully other people. You can never ever use that you was abused as an excuse to hurt other people. I find that people that do that are full of crap. If you have been abused and know what it feels like then why would you want to hurt someone and make them feel the way you did. We all have a choice to as how we behave. I have also suffered abuse in my life but there is no way i would hurt someone or bully them. You have to make a decision do you want to be luke skywalker or do you want to be darth vader and turn to the darkside, the choice is yours!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): I think you've taken the first steps to ensure you will NOT be liek your abusive father. Your aware of the problem....you know what you are capable of and of what you do not want to be. It will take alot of hard work to recognise your triggers and learn to walk away. The internet is a great resource, lots of sites for anger management etc. Have faith in yourself and good luck.
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