A
male
age
30-35,
*ic
writes:hey i have a problem with my girlfriend she used to smoke before we hooked up and quit when we became official because she knows that i wouldnt be with someone that smokes for reasons i told her. we are going to a party this Saturday and she said she wants to there because it a "social thing and it only once in a blue moon" and i told her that if she does smoke im not going to be around her because i wont be able to take it and it going to be hard for me to see the person i love the most piss away her self and what we have. after me telling her this we had an argument about it and in the end she said to me "i love you to much to smoke" the second time i asked her if she still thinks about it and she said sometimes so i asked are you going to smoke she said she doesnt know. she knows wats going to happen if she does but if she doesnt shes gonna be mad so i dont know what to do. i dont wonna go to the party because i dont wonna see her smoke or let alone know about it. but she wants me to go so im going. i told her friend about the situation and i also said to my girl and her friend f she smokes our relationship is going to be different im not going to be around her (im not going kiss her hug her talk to her look at her or talk to her because its going to be to hard to know she smoked it going to be like i dont know her and she knows that but she still said she doesnt know if shes gonna smoke. i know most of you are going to say "its just once or its just a cigarette. but on the real it fucking nasty sorry if you get offended and i have nothing agains people who smoke but when the girl i love smokes its rely hard. maybe im just up set because i have a thought in my head that shes gonna choose a smoke over love you know i mean when she said she doesnt know if shes gonna smoke i thought to my self how can you not know. i told her for the time frame that you smoke im gonna not be around you for a long time. so ether way one of us is going to be upset if she smokes im gonna be heart broken and if she doesnt shes gonna be mad at me and if i dont go to the party shes gonna be up set so i dont know wat to do its to hard for me to knoe or see her smoke
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (23 October 2009):
 I can sympathise with your situation. I myself have always looked for partners who didn't indulge in smoking as I too could not stand to watch the person I loved slowly poison themselves.I think the biggest underlying factor was because my father passed away of cancer. He was a smoker of course and I was only 6. Normally these feelings stem from a core problem or issue. Its not that you want to be controling more so you dont want what you think is harmful to be harming your lover and unfortunately you are going the wrong way about this.You have to trust her that when she says she loves you that she wont. You are not allowed to be suspicious of her because you knew before had that she had found pleasure in it and you have taken that pleasure away from her. Though you do not share her pleasure you must respect she chose you over it. Of course she will think about it and miss it. If she took any pleasure or comfort in it she will miss it. It was a part of her life.Also you cant try and force her to do so with emoitional blackmail as this normally makes her WANT to do it more really out of rebellion. The more of a taboo you place on a said thing normally has one of two effects, you either get your result by means of terror or you get someone who will do it out of rebellion and the thrill. Like others have said, you cant put her on a leesh. It has to be something she wants to do. If you try to be a good boyfriend, if you try to make her happy and dont harp on about this subject, she will not want to. She simply would not want to lose you. Her desire for you would outweigh her desire to smoke. But make no mistake she will always have a desire TO smoke. You will always have to accept that. If you dont you will have to let her go.If you have made it clear you dislike her smoking you should only have to tell her respectively once. You only need to set up that condition once and not need to worry about it until she breaks it. Its like people who constantly worry about their partners cheating on them. There is no point worry about it unless it actually happens. Otherwise you will miss the beauty of the relationship at hand. You have set up the boundries it is up to her to respect them. You cant force them. She is her own person and can do as she likes. That is what trust is for. You either turst her or you dont. If you dont, thats not foundation for a relationship.I would advise you to apologise to your girlfriend for your behaviour and your outward hostility to her smoking. Tell her you are sorry for projecting fears of things she hasn't even done and for lacking trust in her. tell her you do trust her and want to. Tell her you will try your hardest to suppress those feelings because you do love her. Once you have done this, try to actually do them. It will give you a very healthy relationship and peace of mind.HonningKanin
A
female
reader, DESTINY 23  +, writes (23 October 2009):
 yuck I hate smoke on peoples breath and to kiss someone is just sick ...not sexy at all . MY ex stopped for me and smoked behind my back . I left him but I made a list of what I would never put up with LIARS..AND SMOKERS first two on the list.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (22 October 2009):
 It's her choice or not to smoke. She will either do it or not. You have your opinion, but when you give ultimatums based on things like this, you dont have much of a relationship.
If it bothers you so much then break up with her. That is your choice, but you have a bit of a control issue, so it will eventually come out in every relationship you have. And frankly for you to be writing at length about this does not bode well for you in the future. People don't like to be told what do do, and once again its your choice to stay with her. But she in no way shape or form should feel obliged to respect your wishes on this. There are a lot more pressing issues in a relationship. Ones you obviously have no clue about.
I suggest you take a look at yourself before you start giving ultimatums to those you claim to love. Maybe growing up a little will help too
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 October 2009):
If you have your reasons, and she can't quit, then she's not the girl for you. Find one who doesn't smoke who you can be with.
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