A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my wife and i have been together for almost 3 years and have been married almost 1 year. we have had our fair share of bumps and bruises. 2 months ago, i broke a promise to her by going to a strip club with my friends on my birthday. i have been forgiven for breaking that promise, and she forgave me. since then, things have been tougher, i know she still thinks about what i did. last week, my wife went to las vegas with a friend. i had absolutely no problems with her going, i trust her completely. she was there for 3 nights. my wife and her friend (also, newly married) have been best friends for a long time. from what my wife tells me, her friend was trying to get her drunk and dance with guys the whole time, because that is what she was doing. the last night they were there, they were hanging out with two guys at a club. at, 4 am, they went upstairs to the hotel rooms. my wifes best friend, went into the room they were staying in with the guy she was apparently hanging all over all night. obviously, my wife did not want to be in there, so she and this other guy are together. from what my wife tells me, and i believe her, she was plastered.....completely drunk and gone. the guy tells her that she can come to his room and crash for the night, and that she wouldnt have to worry about anything. she agreed. they go into the room, and lay down, same bed. evidently after laying there for some time, the guy reached over and touched my wifes leg. this sparked something in her that made her get caught up in the moment. they started to have sex, and she said about ten minutes into it, she screamed and ran out of the room, then proceeded to cry and regret it. now, she told me all this the day after she got back. i could sense something wasnt quite right, but didnt ever think that this was the problem. she could have not told me and maybe i would have never known (nobody else knows, not even her friend). so, she took the chance of telling me and losing me (and our daughter - 7 months). she has said that she is very sorry and that she never could let this happen again. she knows that she made a terrible decision, put herself in a very bad situation (under the influence of alcohol - to the extreme), and risked everything we have for some stranger. she told me that she got caught up in the spontanious moment to be desired (that new feeling). now, i am hurt, baaaaad. i never ever thought this would be something i had to overcome or deal with. the things that bother me the most about the whole deal, my wife performed oral sex on the guy, and the fact that she allowed herself into that situation in the first place. she told me she didnt kiss him, and that her pants only came down far enough to "make it happen". neither of them climaxed, but with that said, another bother of mine.....no condom was involved...arrrrrrgh! that disgusts me, and the thought and sight in my head of her going down on him. i really do want to forgive her for this. i love her like crazy, and i think she feels the same way. she has told me she will go to therapy to find out why she did this and fix it. i am having the worst time, replaying everything in my head - thinking about what might have happened that she didnt tell me. i am crushed by this, and even though i think there is a way through it, i have no idea how to get my thoughts past it. this was a fluke in my opinion. i dont think it was pre-meditated in anyway. it wasnt a relationship, an affair, or anybody she ever met before. i guess those things are a plus, although it doesnt feel like any part of it is really a plus. any ideas on how to handle this??
View related questions:
affair, best friend, condom, crush, drunk, oral sex, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2014): Going to a strip club, sleeping with someone else, it's all the same?
Tell that to the person who gets a disease from a cheating partner. Or who causes a pregnancy by cheating. Etc.
A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (14 January 2014):
 This is very common in a marriage. I'm sorry for what your wife has done. In my opinion there's different types if "affairs" whether if it's through your eyes or touching. To me they're are one in the same. I always told my husband that if he ever went to a strip club...I would leave him. Men go there to get a high on women...who are dancing...naked...just disgusting! What your wife did was absolutely disgusting as well...so both of you are in the same boat. Cheating. How can y'all trust each other again? Is you can't, then maybe letting go of each other is the right thing to do. Starting fresh. She should've never put herself in that situation...so that's her fault...not yours...but at the same time...what you did was wrong too. So you have two choices. End the marriage or work on trusting each other again. Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Geta +, writes (10 January 2014):
There is no such thing as spare of the moment. Sexually experienced people know exactly where does hanging around with strange guys lead - in bed room. Getting drunk is just an excuse to wash down the desire for sex with strangers.
You have major marriage issues and do does your wife. Seek help.
...............................
A
male
reader, Geta +, writes (10 January 2014):
There is no such thing as spare of the moment. Sexually experienced people know exactly where does hanging around with strange guys lead - in bed room. Getting drunk is just an excuse to wash down the desire for sex with strangers.
You have major marriage issues and do does your wife. Seek help.
...............................
A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (7 January 2014):
Most women do not cheat but I know a lot do when they think they can get away with it.What will happen when her friend's husband gets to hear of your divorce?is he in the dark about this?Will your wife get half your money if she was at fault?
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 January 2014):
God knows I don't blame you. Id probably do the same. BTW - I don't know why you even brought up the strip club. In terms of severity, its like comparing J-walking to genocide.
If I were you, Id do everything you could know to document her admission. If you can prove adultery, chances are you wont get ass-raped in d-court.
Last, your wife being a tramp has absolutely nothing to do with who you are. I do understand your misgivings about marriage, as its getting to be a worse and worse deal for men as society "evolves." What I would tell you is if you do it again, prenup, prenup, prenup. I think I have a gem of a wife, and thought she was a great girlfriend. She still signed a prenup. No prenup, no nup. That simple.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hate when people label her actions as a "mistake". Eff that. I've made up my mind that I'm gonna divorce her because I just can't accept this. God I hate this feeling I have of insecurity right now. I feel like I'm not man enough or attractive enough for her.
Do most girls cheat on their husbands? I see so many stories on here of their wives cheating and when I think of my own situation I feel like it's hopeless. I just feel really depressed right now. Now she will get to take off with half my freaking money.
This whole situation has made me feel like marriage is a stupid and pointless thing to do.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): Firstly it's not unheard of that people can move past an extra marital affair. So don't panic yet.In your case, it is way too early to decide whether you can fix this or whether it has driven a wedge between you forever.What I will say to you and your wife is this; if you love each other as you claim to, you will do your damned best to honour your vows.-That includes open and honest communciation.-Staying away from tempting situations and from bad friends.- Realising that you are not single anymore. That your lives are entwined.This is a truly horrible situation you find yourself in. But you both have a lot of growing up to do. If you handle this well, you will build a beautiful relationship in the longrun. Ps. In your shoes I would stop holidays without each other again. Call me old fashioned but when I get time to relax, I would rather spend it with the people that mean the most to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 January 2014):
 I agree with C. Grant.
YOU have to figure out if you can (at some point) move past this or not.
Judging by your age you a both so very young, so mistakes will happen, though to me this is more then a mistake. This is a series of bad choices your wife was making (and I don't really care how drunk she was, when her friend started out being inappropriate with a man that wasn't her husband SHE should have known better, not join in). This is about morals and values. She might not have been a GREAT judge of her own actions but she just followed he friends lead?
Again this is where youth play in, she might not be really great at controlling her alcohol intake (I certainly wasn't in my early 20's) - but why she ALLOWED herself to get so drunk that she AT ALL thought it was a great idea to let her FRIEND walk to her room with a strange fellow and herself to entertain the friend, is beyond me.
What happens in Vegas stays in Las Vegas. The whole IDEA that you can go there, misbehave and it's OK because it happened "elsewhere" is not really a great attitude. It's BULLSHIT in a marriage. So that would have to be another subject you two need to talk about. It's OK to have FUN without your spouse, but there is such a thing as being responsible and accountable for your own actions.
You going to a strip club doesn't mean that SHE had a "free get out of jail card". You broke trust and that needs to be mended too.
What does speak in her favor is that she told you. She was remorseful and she IS willing to do whatever YOU need for to do to work it out.
1. she would need to get tested for std's now and again in 3-6 months. And you two would need to use condoms in that time frame IF you have sex.
2. I would ask her to consider distancing herself a little (actually a lot) from the friend. Someone who is only been married 7 months, but behaves like "Debbie Does Las Vegas" is NOT really a kind of person I would be too happy about my spouse hanging out with. BUT I would not demand or expect her to drop the friendship, but cool it for sure.
3. IF YOU think you can move past it, I would suggest you two find a marriage counselor and get help in rebuilding the marriage. Or you two will be playing a tit for tat game for the rest of your marriage, you will BOTH find things to HOLD over each others heads to excuse something stupid either of you did.
Forgiveness doesn't come easy. Saying it does, but ACTUALLY forgiving is harder and a whole other matter. She SAID she forgave your for betraying her trust by going to that strip club. BUT in reality, she didn't. She wanted to, but she didn't fully.
Forgiveness means that the subject is closed, that the trust you lost or the hurt you felt, is IN THE PAST. So don't TELL her you forgive her TIL you actually DO forgive it. Til you are ready to start anew. She will JUST have to accept that.
Last but not least, if you can't FORGIVE this or you feel the loss of trust and respect makes you less interested in trying to work it out, WELL that is OK to. YOU have to do what feel right FOR YOU.
If she had been your GF, I would have said HANDS down, DUMP her. I think once you have married someone it tosses it into a more grey area. Personally, I would not stay with a partner that cheated. I think (but I can't really say for sure) that I would TRY to make it work and I would TRY hard. I would put in the work and I would hope we would emerge stronger, but I would NOT allow for a second slip up what so ever. And if we couldn't make it work, at least I gave a good shot before walking away.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): This will probably get me slammed by the other aunts but here goes.
My condition would be getting to cheat on her once in the future. The point is to test her and punish her with the idea. If she is serious about doing whatever it takes to fix things with you then she will accept that condition.
If she won't accept it, then where in the hell does she get off asking YOU to accept that exact same thing from her? I would not have an ounce of patience for that kind of unequal treatment.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 I think the place to start is to decide if you can ever get back to where you were before. Do you still love her? Can you imagine ever trusting her again? Individual counselling might be helpful. If you were married in a religious setting and have a relationship with the person who officiated they might be an excellent resource. Otherwise a qualified marriage counsellor, or a wise older person whose judgement you respect. Couples do get past these things, but only if there is the right attitude on both sides.
If upon reflection and discussion, you decide that you'll never get past it then act accordingly. Tell her, so that she's not going through self-flagellation needlessly. Then make the break and move on.
But if she's genuinely remorseful, and if you think the reasons you took the vows a year ago are still valid, you might work though this and emerge stronger.
Get your own head on straight first.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 January 2014):
The only thing honorable here is that she told you.
If it were me, Id say I respect your honesty, and then drive to my lawyers to start divorce proceedings.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): Sorry to hear this. I think it was honorable of her to come forward with this to you, but what is disgusting is that she allowed herself to het hammered and put herself in this situation. I don't think this is forgivable, especially that she had unprotected sex. The whole thing is really bad. It is not only a question of trust but also a lack of judgement. Based on your ages, perhaps you guys are too young to be married. I wouldn't allow my husband to go to Vegas alone, let alone allow myself to go to Vegas by myself. But that's just me. Some things are forgivable, but this, in my opinion, is not. Better to get out of this now while you're both young, and take this as a learning experience.
...............................
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (3 January 2014):
Why do women get plastered when they go for a drink these days.Those type of men love these type of women as they are easily seduced.She gave a complete stranger oral sex without thinking of the consequences and I'm afraid she probably had full sex as well if she was so drunk.The one important thing your wife has done is broken that all important trust between man and wife.How do you know that this bloke didn't film the encounter on his mobile as a lot of men do these days.What if she has already fallen pregnant?or contracted a sexual disease?What of her friend?only married 7 months and already cheated on her new partner.You might be the type that'll forgive but for 3 out of 4 men this will be a seed of friction throughout the marriage.How would she feel if you said that you were going to Las Vegas with another friend now?
...............................
|
