A
female
age
41-50,
*ESTINY 23
writes:I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years . I have had a lot of loss over the last 4 years which caused me not to be in a relationship for a longtime . I felt all these years of being alone and I mean alone I didnt go out at all or date because my pain was so great I couldnt feel anything inside. The loss of a relationship ,my home, my dogs,father, a law suit and money caused me to have a break down. I didnt want to be with anyone until I could get my bills paid and get back to where I was. I moved to a new city and this is where I met him. Again I wasnt looking for it but it happened. I didnt know at the time but he had a history of drugs . Herion . his ex girl friend was calling and they were very close. I never expected to date a person with this kind of history . He told me a lot of lies and was hanging around people that drank and partied. My life was shattered and all I wanted to do is trust that the lord was directing me in the right direction . I felt an intense connection wtih him and although there where many things wrong at the begining they seemed to work themselfs out. slowely the girls where gone the fiends left and we started to grow and become one. Over time I was not paying my bills but was paying his. We stared to fight a lot and now its over . What happened and why is it so hard to move on?
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female
reader, DESTINY 23 +, writes (12 October 2009):
DESTINY 23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank you for that last post it was so helpful . I think your right I did let my self go to soon. Hes life was a mess when I met him his friends were really young and all they did is go to bars and drink and use drugs. He told me he was trying to change his life and he had been sober for two years and hadnt used. I was shocked when he told me this of course I never thought Id date a ex drug addict.He had a really bad smoking problem as well . He did work but he kept having things happen like tickets , insurance, car problems, and I would help him.The fighting just kept going on and then he would leave for 3 days and go stay with his alcholic brother and drink and who knows what. I put my foot down and it stopped for a while but slowely it all started again. It is clear to me what you wrote and im glad im reaching out for help because I felt so isolated . I felt like how could I go with someone like him and allow him to take me for granted was I that desperate ? I guess I thought he would keep trying to improve his life and I thought I would make a differnce in his. now Im embrassed that I even dated him and lowered my standerds
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): From the sounds of things when you moved to the new city you had high hopes for a new start, but you were still vulnerable from all your losses, now you are feeling very vulnerable again.
You were attracted to a guy because you felt a strong conection with him, but you didn't take the time to find out his history or to sush him out before you allowed yourself to become too involved with him, you were hungry for love and you were vulnerable.
The guy was a former addict and you had a lot of problems in the beginning and maybe signs that he wasn't the guy you would normally want to be involved with, but you ignored all that. He is most likely a user and a manipulator and he got you to pay his bills instead of taking care of them himself. In short he is a big fat loser and you let him take advantage of you.
Learn from this bad choice in a man. Learn that there is a danger in a strong connection. Because what that means is that there are intense emotions involved on your part and these emotions are blinding you from reality, the reality of who he really is. So the next time this happens to you, take a step back and assess why you are having such a strong connection, is this man too open too soon? Is he telling you things that make you feel sorry for him? Is he playing on your trust and the fact that you are a caring person? Are you having to give more than you are getting in the relationship? Are you making excuses for him, for his inconsideration or bad behavior or for things you really don't want to have to put up with from a boyfriend? These are all red flags that you are not accepting the reality of who he really is.
Sit down and make a list of the characteristics in a man you want, be specific if he has to be a certain age or have blonde hair write that down.
Think of three non negotiables that you must have or it is a deal breaker. You can leave off he can't be in jail and stuff like that...get real, what are the three things you could never live with? And then study your list.
Set some boudaries for yourself the next time you get involved. Set them early, let the man know what you will and will not tolerate and mean it. You aren't going to find a man that fits 100% of your list and if he doesn't violate your non negotiables then he is not the wrong guy for you, but you should maybe hold out for Mr 80%, then he is Mr. Right for you.
Don't settle because you are lonely. Realize that you are vulnerable, and some bad people can pick up on that in a heart beat and target you to use you. Be a little cautious when you meet men, don't tell a lot of what you are looking for or what you want right away, it just gives them a roadmap on how to trick you. Take things slowly and make a man earn your trust and prove himself before you invest too much in him.
Put your focus on you and what you want and what you want to be happy. Don't focus on the guy who you just broke up with. Good riddance, I say.
Things will get better, they always do.
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A
female
reader, DESTINY 23 +, writes (11 October 2009):
DESTINY 23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your post its hard to go through this all agian
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A
male
reader, shane in dallas +, writes (11 October 2009):
 It's hard to move on because your feelings are still hurt. But look back on everything you went thru. You overcame it and became a stronger person for it. Now the next life lesson had come along. And this too shall pass. Now take what you have learned and apply it to your future.
You have a better understanding of seeing the signs in men and relationships and can make better choices. Put yourself in better places with better people, going out with friends you trust, and continue to trust that the Lord is still directing you in the right direction.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 October 2009):
Because of your previous losses, you were looking for love and affection and fell for a guy who seemed to offer it, but was in fact highly unsuitable. Believe me, it's far better that this is over. You need to take a lot of time over yourself now, really focusing on your own happiness and confidence and esteem to make sure that you don#t attract guys that will hurt you. Have you spoken to therapists? They might be able to help you understand why this has happened and how you feel. Take your time getting over him and take time getting to know any future men that come alone so you know they're right for you. Lots of luck.
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