A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What do you guys think about a 17 year old with a man in his 40s? Yes, he is married with kids. Miserably so, but so. I do realize he has other priorities, and do not expect anything from him. Although I do feel that way, the flirting and teasing and whatnot becomes slightly overwhelming because I am in love with him. I am just wise enough to realize that many men that age flirting with women my age are simply doing so because they are aroused by the idea of having sex outside of their marriage and with a younger partner. I doubt he is being satisfied by his wife... but at the same time, sexually, he hasn't made any passes. We bond intellectually - through literature, music, dance and our mutual thirst for knowledge. Then, after all of that, I do believe he'd rip my clothes right off of me if he didn't feel the burden of his marriage (but I do not blame him for this because I am the younger, available woman who is giving him the attention he longs for). Divorce is ringing in my ears. I feel I should stay away from him until he sorts out his problems, but that could take years (he did tell me at the beginning of the summer that he would get in touch later). So I was considering maybe having a Jean-Paul Sartre / Simone de Beauvoir kind of relationship (if you are aware of what I mean). This meaning we meet up regularly, we share a love that is unique and only we know it, we have a relationship together but allow the other to be involved with others. I think because of the whopping age difference, that could be the only relationship we could have. Him playing the role of my confidant, I guess. Do you guys think this is a good idea, considering he is sexually attracted to me and I am in love with him? By the way, in your replies.. please do not lecture me, I am not 14 years old, I am almost 18 and off to university. I am still young yes, still ignorant yes, still naive yes. But I am aware of all of the risks of this situation, and do not need you to remind me of them. The man I am with seems to be decent and not perverted - he always thought I was 18. Though that still seems wrong because the age gap is so big, it's understandable at the same time. Anyways, I would also discourage you to start reciting the Bible or anything that has to do with religion. I am deist, more specifically pantheist. Religious scriptures and rituals have no meaning to me. I respect you for having your beliefs, though. Just do not attempt to relate them to my life. - the anonymous 17 yr old.
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divorce, flirt, teasing, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Cake1011  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 Oh. When I said "side dish" I didn't mean that you were having sex with him. I was saying it like you were the thing on the "side" and his wife is the "cake." But, the friend thing is kinda iffy...I find it hard to see how you guys can be in love and only be friends.
That's got to be very hard. Just make sure to be careful if you go that route. And if you weren't friends, you could just be acquaintances. You could just say "hi!" or chat with him a bit. You wouldn't have to ignore him entirely. Regardless, make sure you don't feel pressured to be his friend. You should WANT to be his friend. Make sure to really think about that.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): What do you think of another 17-year-old guy who messes with 13-year-old girls. Well, you're the 13 year old girl in this case. Don't kid yourself otherwise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): I think they can at 18 so 1 year is no difference so maybe
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female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (30 August 2007):
 Honey EVERYONE is giving you an objective answer however, you are going after what you want to hear.
You are loving a MARRIED man. He will never belong to you and you shouldnt be thinking of him in that way. By opening up your feelings to him things will never be the same. Affections always change the siltation. You can ultimately do what you want but by opening that door to your feelings and telling him...you are introducing a poison. It is going to either tempt him to sin with you or kill off your friendship because marry men know better than to have women who have a thing for them to hang around them. Your choice and something you'll have to live with if you dont purge those feelings.
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female
reader, YummyMummy  +, writes (22 August 2007):
 You want to talk about "love" when it is a married man you are considering telling. You may feel you "love" this man but surely wrecking his life whether you love him or not isn't an option. He is TAKEN so just be his friend.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 August 2007):
 "I unfortunately don't think anyone here is able to give me an utterly objective response."
No you are not looking for objectivity you are looking for validation and you aren't finding it. You are also looking for trouble, knock off this nonsense and focus on your studies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUm there is no affair... I haven't had sex with him. And please do explain to me what is so wrong with him speaking to me? His wife knew that I saw her husband at work, and I actually saw her once a week for a few months. We are quasi-friends and she has no problem with the relationship I have with her husband thusfar.
I completely agree with the morals and values... I have in no way been dishonest or anything of the sort regarding his wife. Yes, I am in love with her husband... but I haven't even told him, nevermind her. I haven't lied to her; to me not telling everything isn't lying... sometimes it's the smartest thing to do. Would you think it to be wise to tell him how I felt? Why should I stir up a pot that's already overflowing (with their own marital issues)?
Anyways, the point is... this man is currently my friend, and a person I look up to for advice and to help me out because he happens to be experienced in the field that I am going into. When I speak to him it's not just because of my feelings, it's usually because of my future. He used to flirt a lot, but now I think we're truly friends.
I guess my new issue is whether I should be completely honest with him about my feelings... risking making him feel uncomfortable and ending the friendship, or him feeling a little too comfortable and attempting to take it further...
Can you understand where I'm coming from?
I think the man who wrote August 12th, 2007, is the only one who's taken love into consideration. I can understand the others for not favouring it... but I think everyone is a little biased in their answers, and I unfortunately don't think anyone here is able to give me an utterly objective response.
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female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (16 August 2007):
I'll answer again and say this: IF you are going to be friends with this man AND you say you respect and honor his wife, WILL you, as the man's and his wife's friend, tell the wife about the affair? I mean really, friends are truthful with each other. They don't lie or keep secrets. It is a rule of thumb that if either spouse has a friend of the opposite sex then that friend has to be a friend of the COUPLE not individually because that is where suspicion and the like starts--too much time spent with that female or male friend. You are smart. Think about it.
I'd also like to add that friendship is built on virtues, is it not? Love, loyalty honesty and the like. Are not morals and values built on those? I rest my case.
Stay away from that man. Last thing you need is the wife taking you to court or willing to thrash you herself. Women aren't stupid. They can sniff out when their men are fooling around and having you at the house after being with him will just blow up in your face. Do not be involved with him any more, I dont care how much you think you can control yourself. I don't think he can control himself after being able to get sex from two sources. Also, don't look for validation in something that you are doing WRONG. You know its wrong and you feel it? Why look to someone else to tell you it is okay?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): So far everyonr has been giving there moral point of view. I think you should listen to your heart and your comon sense. MY girl is a 21 year old who fell for a 36 year old and i was married in a rocky relationship with kids. we were friends and the wife sen the texts AS FRIENDS and ended it .... we have now been an item for years and in love the best move we have ever done the choice is yours...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Speaking as a wife who had a younger girl sleep with her husband, which resulted in divorce, I think you should respect that family and DO NOT play a part in the break up of it. I've seen first hand what it has done to my children and myself. MY husband thought he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this girl (who is 13 yrs younger than him) He has never been so unhappy. He told me recently when they finally broke up after 2yrs. that he made a huge mistake...one that cannot be reversed. He will do it again, and this man you are with would eventually cheat on you with some other cute university girl. You can bet on that!! I can't understand anyone who thinks they actually have the right to come in as a third party and help to ruin a marriage!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think it's probably because when I first posed, I was at the peek of my feelings. I was being hopeful, and thinking impulsively. Time has passed, and we've e-mailed here and there. Because I've been away from him, I think I was able to tame the primitive beast within. Before, I had been so hopeful. Now, I'm beginning to accept our fate as correspondence friends. I think maybe the main reason why I'm a lot more accepting is because he is out of town for most of the summer, so we barely e-mail. The only problem is that he said he would get in touch at the end of August (and when I'm off to university). I'm hoping that my feelings will have faded a bit, so that his replies don't get me so hopeful anymore. Once I did see the replies to my first post, I thought, "Okay, what came over me? An affair is out of the picture!" Which is why I quickly switched my question to whether or not we should be friends. It may seem as though I am ignoring the replies posted, but I am definitely taking some of them in. A few of them were actually useful, some of them were stating what was blatantly obvious... I think another reason why I kept replying and defending myself was because I think every situation is different, and sometimes it's a lot more difficult than just saying "okay I won't speak to him anymore" or "okay I'll avoid him"... when I used to work with him, if we saw each other we always had a conversation. If I decided to walk by him without saying anything, then he would initiate the conversation (even if this meant ending a conversation with someone else, or interrupting it). This is why I figure being friends is my best bet, because if not, it would just become extremely awkward (if I attempted to avoid him), and this would just make him come and ask me what's bothering me.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Hi again,
I have been reading your answers with great interest. You state clearly at the end of the last one that you wonder if its possible to be friends with this guy and nothing else. And you seem completly indignant about the answers you were given.
But if you look at your original post, you clearly think there is the possibility of an affair.
I am wondering what an intelligent person is doing even thinking about all this stuff.
I have come to the conclusion that YOU MUST BE BORED.
Be carefull what you do, life has a real nack of bitting you on the ar**
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female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (25 July 2007):
I haven't skipped over what you are saying. I think you having a friendship with this guy is dangerous. But that is only what I think and like eyeswideopen I think you have already made your mind up.
xxxxxxxxx
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 July 2007):
You've already made up your mind so I guess you are still here waiting for someone to say something to validate your decision. It won't be me I think you are looking for trouble.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S. his kids are way younger than I am. He had them late.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOddly enough, I think people are skipping over half of the things I said. If you scroll down a bit, you will see that I am asking whether or not we should have a friendship. So I am in no way expecting him to commit adultery. And just to let you know, you do not have to be religious to have values and morals. Love isn't based on ethics, but they can help moderate the impulses that are incited by love. Anyways, in the end, my question was : knowing that I truly adore and respect his wife, should I maintain a friendship with him (if I feel that we both can control ourselves)? It is also important to note that he's helped me through a lot of situations, and been the person to give me much advice. If I broke ties, it might sit too well with him... and that would reflect on his relationship with his wife (because it's already rocky). Sometimes you need friendships to help you through the downs of the rollercoaster of life. I think I did make him generally happier, and I think sometimes it made him have a better time at home with his wife.
Yes my feelings for him are extremely strong, and this is partly why I want to keep in touch with him, but it's not the prevalent reason. And I am quasi-friends with his wife, so I don't think I could ever do anything that would hurt her. Though, I think she expects us to be friends (her husband and I), because I was introduced to her by him. So, the only way I could hurt her (not involving sex) would be if she knew that I loved him, or if she knew he flirted with me. But if I let myself move on, and not tell her... it'll probably be a lot better for her and her marriage. Instead of stirring up the pot because of a 17 year old's feelings. As for his feelings, those, I cannot control. If how he feels hurts her, I can't control that. And I can't avoid seeing him, because there will be occasions when I will have to go to his workplace, and I will most likely bump into him. So maintaining a friendship, and nothing more would seem most fitting to this particular situation, no?
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female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (25 July 2007):
Look, he is married and has kids. Leave him alone. His kids may even be around your age and THEY WONT tolerate their father being with someone that age or at your maturity.
If you are not religious then what are your morals and standards based on? You want to make a man commit adultery for your own lust? Dont be like that. Fna a man you can grow with not one who is already committed to the woman he loves and the children she bore to him. You will only be a contention and in the way. it wont be easy for you.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (25 July 2007):
Hi,
I have to say you do sound intelligent, but perhaps a little odd in the way you are thinking. You say you adore his wife, and yet you say, you are also in love with her husband. Do you really know what harm you could do to this lady, even just as a friend?.
If they are having problems, she is more than likely feeling pretty low at the moment. So how would she feel knowing some 17 year old girl has the hots for her husband.
I think you are playing a very dangerous game, and lets face it, who is going to get hurt.
IT WONT BE YOU, WILL IT?.
If you take a look at porn, there is often an older guy with a young girl. Its a fantasy that a lot of men have, and I can, kind of see why they would want this.
But what you dont see is the lady of around the same age as her husband, sitting crying because she will feel worthless, and not able to compete.
Can you understand where I am coming from?. If you want to have a relationship with an older guy for fun, then go and do it. But not someone with loads of problems, that you will hurt. Not that I care about the stupid sod if he takes your offer up. But think about the Lady you say you adore.
Do you really want to live with that.
You are an intelligent young lady, so do the right thing.
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female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (20 July 2007):
I would go to uni and enjoy your life there and try to move your feelings away from this guy. No the odd coffee or odd email isn't a bad thing but remember he is a) a lot older then you and b) he's married. How would you feel in his wife's shoes.
Also what would you say to a mate who said they had feelings for an older married guy??? You would tell them to enjoy their life and find someone their own age.
xxxxxxx
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 July 2007):
I just think you are taking a risk when no risk HAS to be taken. Out of sight- out of mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy hands wouldn't be on him if we were in a friendship, anyways. But I do understand where you're coming from. Though, because we both don't want anything to happen (beyond a friendship), solely for the sake of his wife and kids, I doubt anything would happen. I doubt that there will be any situations that with enable us to even "test" our self-control anyways. Since this man has been a very good friend to me - confidant, I would hate to just end our friendship, simply because of my current feelings or our desires... There are no quotation marks needed, we are friends and as far as I know... won't be anything more.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 July 2007):
Of course this is not a good idea, it is a very, very bad one as a matter of fact. Whether he is happily or unhappily married is none of your concern. Married is married. Hands off and move on. You can find another person to be "friends" with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh woah, I'm definitely not having any sexual relations with him. So I'm not a "side dish." He's made it clear that he is attracted to me, and vice-versa. We've also both made it clear that we will definitely maintain at least a friendship even if we aren't working together anymore, or if we don't see each other too often (e-mail). Anything beyond that I don't expect. I was just wondering if it was a good idea to ask him to meet (for coffee or something of the sort), knowing that I love him, and that he desires me (at the least).
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male
reader, Cake1011 +, writes (19 July 2007):
With a firm voice, tell him that he either leaves/divorces his wife or you leave him. He is having his cake and eating it too. You are not in a full relationship with him if he is also married and with children. It sounds to me like you're a side dish. Like, he's having problems with his wife and he wants to feel better (you). If he loves you, he will leave his wife. He may never leave. He will continue to make excuses about how he can't leave til you're 50. If he can't leave his wife, you leave him. Not even a friendship (If you love him, a friendship is not possible). You deserve to have all of your lover, not a piece. If he can't see that, he's not right for you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): With a firm voice, tell him that he either leaves/divorces his wife or you leave him. He is having his cake and eating it too. You are not in a full relationship with him if he is also married and with children. It sounds to me like you're a side dish. Like, he's having problems with his wife and he wants to feel better (you). If he loves you, he will leave his wife. He may never leave. He will continue to make excuses about how he can't leave til you're 50. If he can't leave his wife, you leave him. Not even a friendship (If you love him, a friendship is not possible). You deserve to have all of your lover, not a piece. If he can't see that, he's not right for you.
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female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (18 July 2007):
No I shouldn't think so as long as like you said you don't interfere. If they really are unhappy the marriage will end at some point. :)
xxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I know his wife. Yes, I know, that's ridiculous. I know her, and I adore her. I do know that they are miserable together, but I would never want to interfere. He's gone out for coffee (as friends) with 18 year olds and others in university. He works with people of all ages, so it makes sense that he would have younger friends. We'll definitely bump into each other, because I'll be living close to him because of my postsecondary institution... And we already e-mail each other rather often, so it wouldn't be too much of a stretch if we did go out for a cup of coffee, no?
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female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (17 July 2007):
I would say a friendship could work but how would you act in this friendship. Don't friends hang out and things like that. Wouldn't his wife find her husband hanging around with someone 17 a little odd????
xxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, well I do ask at the end, what if we were to maintain a friendship, as it is now... do you think it could work out? What about that?
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female
reader, Cyg79 +, writes (16 July 2007):
 It sounds like a bad situation to me. You seem so prepared to sacrifice yourself for him. I would say leave it alone, he needs to decided for himself if he wants to be with his wife or if he wants to pursue other relationships. Yes you're young, I doubt your ignorant (otherwise you wouldn’t even question) and we are all naïve at some point. But no matter our age or our levels of life experiences it’s important that you’re true to yourself. I’m a hopeless romantic and I know I would want more out of life then a love affair with no possibility of commitment.
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female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (16 July 2007):
Honestly- I can't see what a 40 year old guy sees in a 17 year old girl. I don't mean that disrespectfully as I am sure you are a very nice girl but come on hunni! This guy is well old enough to be your dad. I can see you have a sensible outlook on the situation yourself.
Not only is this guy old enoughh to be your father but he's married with kids probably not much younger then you. I would seriously think about letting this guy be with his family and getting on with your own life and enjoy your time at uni.
xxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): your too young to be with someone that age you should go out with people in your own age group hes married you need to see that your just a little thing on the side while hes having problems with his wife
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