A
female
age
36-40,
*heLovelyArtist
writes:My boyfriend and I have been going out for a year, but now suddenly he's told me that his parents want me to change my attitude and watch my words whenever I'm at his house (he lives w/his parents). The thing is, they've been speaking to him about this for sometime (I don't know for how long though), but now he's finally told me. Obviously there's some communication problems there. But the thing is, I've never been rude to his parents, though I don't always greet them whenever I come to his house, b/c sometimes they're not home or they're in their bedroom (they like to keep my boyfriend and his brother out of their room, weird I know). They've made me dinner sometimes, I've gone out to eat w/his family, sometimes we all watch movies together at home, etc. But I've never been rude, I hardly swear near them, I always stay out of their way (such as if they need to speak w/my boyfriend about something private, whatever). I just don't like it that they want me to change for their sake and not my own, I know that if I change just for them, I won't be happy. I'm not sure if my boyfriend agrees w/their demands, he said he doesn't want to have to choose sides, and I don't want him to. But I know if I change my ways, they'll eventually want me to change other things to, such as how I dress, etc. I guess now I won't be coming over to his house so much anymore and I'll have to be careful about how much time I spend there, which is sad. Of course my mom wasn't too happy to hear this, and now this has probably tainted whatever ideas my mom had about his parents (they've met twice). How will I be able to continue this relationship w/my boyfriend w/out feeling welcome whenver I'm at his home now? And there's another part to this story, he's been continually pressuring me for sex. I'm not ready for sex, and since he's always inquring about it now, it's kinda made me afraid to even do it b/c I know that once we will, he will want even more. I even do blow-jobs for him b/c I know it'll keep him content for a little while. Since I won't do it with him, he's always looking up porn on my computer whenever he's at my apartment (he's never had sex before and so I understand that, but I wish he was a little more considerate of my feelings). But this isn't healthy and it's annoying me. He wants me to be more sexually, basically change for him. Both him and his parents want me to change for them (of course in different ways). Is this relationship worth trying to save? Is it even going anywhere now? I don't want to have to consider breaking up b/c his parents want me to change. I wish he'd just get a grip on his hormones. There's a few other issues that are part of all this, but that's the gist of it. I really don't know where to go from here. Any words of advice would be much appreciated!!
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female
reader, penta +, writes (16 July 2007):
 You've mentioned a lot of issues, so I'm going to address them quickly. Let me know if any don't make sense.
In general, change only those things about you that you want, but in his parents' house, it's "Their house their rules." If you choose to be IN their house, you need to do what they ask. Or you can choose to stay away (not a bad choice). If you can talk to them, it's a good idea to clear the air. If you can't then just stick to the above. If this relationship lasts, they won't be the influence on your BF that they are now.
I'm concerned about how long it took your BF to tell you about this. It made the issue worse than it had to be. It sends up flags about his relationships (1. with you and, 2. with them). Open communication is important, and he doesn't seem to have that skill.
About the sex: "Your body your rules." You should do only what you feel comfortable with, period. If he won't wait for you to be ready he's not worth being with; it means he only wants you for sex anyway. Ditch him.
About the porn: in general, you shouldn't care about whether he's looking at porn. Guys like to look, and it doesn't have anything to do with how much he likes you.
But looking at it on YOUR computer is where I cry foul. Porn sites are notorious for downloading all kinds of viruses, mal-ware and ad-ware, causing pop-ups and slowing down your computer. If he wants to do this he has to stay away from your computer.
A
female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT  +, writes (16 July 2007):
 Hi there babes,
Sorry to hear this, the parents have obviously got a hold over their son and he really isn't man enough to stand up to them, why should you change he fell in love with you and you fell in love with him not his family.....
Why should you be giving him blow jobs, no no no, you should not be doing things just to keep him happy babes, sex and oral sex is a two way thing not something you need to do because you want him to be content for now and to stop the pressure he is putting on you....
When you are ready then that is diffent but you have to give yourself to the right person at the right time.....
He should not be looking up porn on your computer either this is showing you no respect hun, sorry for being so blunt here but its just not right....
You need to tell your boyfriend that your not happy with the situation and he really needs to understand how this has made you feel, don't feel your less than them babes because your not, bet your mum is angry about this I would be.........
If this can not be resolved then find someone who respects you darling you deserve this for yourself don't feel down about babes, you be proud of who you are, hold ya head up high.....
Good luck babes,
Let me know how you get on
Love Donna xx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 July 2007):
 From your post, I think the relationship will go from bad to worse. I also have the feeling that the relationship is not worth saving. This feeling comes to me from your words; if you look for our advice and this is the question you post, then, obviosly, you have thought about it yourself, since these are major issues and you have not been able to solve them.
If you don't feel happy with the relationship and, worse, you expect more pressure, both from your boyfriend and his parents, I think the wise thing to do is to put an end to the relationship.
When your boyfriend says he doesn't want to have to choose sides, he is saying he won't tell his parents to stop. That can be taken to mean he agrees with them, you know.
Many parents don't like their children's boyfriends or girlfriends; the thing is, not many parents try to change them.
I think the worse part has to do with the sex. You said you will do blowjobs to him because you know that will keep him content for a while. I'm afraid this is not the case. After the oral, he will only be asking for more and more. There is no way to stop it.
If you won't agree to sex, it isn't right that he keeps insisting. And I agree it's rude of him to look at porn on your computer.
I think you can do the following:
a) keep your mouth shut and change for them: absolutely wrong.
b) tell them to stop; which will result in their being angry over you
c) put an end to the relationship, which means they don't change you and you're not with your boyfriend. This also upsets them.
I would go for c). The other two would eventually lead to c) anyways.
I hope this helps.
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