A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This question isn't just directed at women, men feel free to give your thoughts and experiences.What do you expect from your husband and his side of the family when getting married?--Whilst growing up my parents spoiled me, I would put them in the middle class. They took me on holiday every year and I had a good childhood. After the age of 18 they stopped doing things for me, I'd imagine for me to find my own path.I know this mostly comes down to culture, but my potential wife's attitude sometimes gets to me because what her and her family expect. They are Chinese have high expectations, not just because I'm a foreigner.Many Chinese parents save most of their life to buy their son an apartment for marriage. I find it crazy that a girl can expect the apartment to be completely paid off, that it's unreasonable to be paying money to the bank for borrowed money. My parents are in no position to do this, they are quite young and have their own bills and I don't expect anything from them. I want to pay my own way. My girlfriend wants my family to pay for this and that when it's an impossible position for my family. What they can give doesn't really add up to expectation.Am I being selfish for thinking like this, that I want to pay my own way. I do alright, I'll pay off the apartment in three years, spend a lot on interior design. It's a question of time. My parents are paying for their home for 25-30 years. We are completely comfortable, I save 90% of my salary every month. So why does this cause issues?There are many factors to think about, it's not simple, but I wish she would just go with it and accept me for me. I know she isn't just interested in the money, it's not that much (not rich) she has just been bought up to think and demand this way.Again the question.What do you expect from your husband and his side of the family when getting married?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): If you're in China, choosing to marry a Chinese girl who herself has very rigid expectations then you just have to go along with it in my opinion.
There are lots of other women, Chinese or otherwise, who agree with your values. But you choose this woman with her values and since you are the more flexible, you have to take one for the team.
You could talk about it and try to understand why she's angry, upset, disappointed and try to fix it. But when it comes to things like personal values and beliefs (in this case about what your duty is), they are very difficult to change.
In your shoes, I'd do as much as I can to appease her and just tell her when it's too much. You'll then either both get over it by accepting that this is the closest to a compromise, or you can break up and find someone with values closer to your own.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): If I was a man I would basically run for the hills. You are not Chinese, but you are being expected to behave exactly like a Chinese man. I'm all for multi-culturalism, but this is NOT an example of it. If you go along with this situation you will basically be expected to behave and act like a Chinese person but will never, ever be accepted completely as being one, because you're not. Where on earth is the compromise in this situation? And where on earth is the respect for British ways of doing things? I wonder why on earth you are in this situation - you are still very young and maybe you should have a couple more relationships before basically chaining yourself to a life of serving this family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): I lived in a poor country when I got married, and because I am a girl, my parents were always prepared to pay for wedding which they did. My wedding was poor, everything my mom and grandma cooked. It was at our house. Grooms parents gave me lots of gold jewelry, now I keep it as sentimental value only, I don't even wear it ( we have a jewelry store). Tradition of paying for wedding by brides parents came from a fact that after a wedding comes a baby, and wife stays home for 3 years at least with a baby, and husband supports her. Then when another baby comes, a story repeats itself. So, husband becomes a life time provider for their daughter, and the least they can do is to pay for a wedding. Traditions carry a lot of meaning, especially for older people. Traditionally women care for their children, and it was a man's job to provide for a family. That's why as it was explained here it is so important for Chinese parents that their daughter finds a husband who can provide. Men never relied on women to share a cost of living, children were raised by their own mothers, not babysitters. Most men didn't marry until they had a job to provide for their families. Marriage was not spontaneous like it is now, and a woman was not required to work as it is now. But it was good old days, now everything changed.In more traditional countries we don't stop doing things for our children when they reached 18, it's still a tender age to leave your child without any financial support. Though it does help to form a character sooner. What your fiancée needs to understand that you are the one who doesn't want any help from your parents, and she needs to accept it as a fact and stop fighting about it. I really don't understand what is her problem. She landed quite a catch: a guy who is financially is more stable than the rest of her country with whom she will have a comfortable life and paid apartment in 3 years. And you are still so young. She needs to understand that she made a choice to marry you and now she needs to come terms that this is your situation and nothing can be done about it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 January 2014):
 See if you can get her to vocalise what it is about the situation that is actually making her angry. She must understand things are different in the UK .... and that your culture says you are doing okay.
If you feel your girlfriend might be having difficulty expressing why she is angry, get a multilingual friend/colleague to help, if you can pin down why she is angry it may turn out to be a simple miscommunication, or worse case scenario she REALLY is angry your parents are not contributing, with no concern for understanding things are different in which case I would reconsider the whole marriage thing .... mainly because things will only deteriorate from there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for the confusion. I'm actually in her country and I'm open enough to understand many traditions here. I know that I have to have an apartment here before marriage can be considered. Her parents have finally approved of me, they do like me, but they are afraid and don't agree so much with a foreigner. I bought the apartment with a loan from the bank, which will take three years I guess. Most of my costs here are paid for, which along with the low living cost allows me to save very comfortably. Her parents even gave me some money to help me hit the deposit. Her parents said they will pay for the wedding too and I pay for some other things. I'm concerned about my girlfriend getting angry each time we talk about what my family will give, because she doesn't understand England, that everything is on credit and very little savings now. I think my Grandmother and Aunt will give me 5,000, which is roughly 50,000 rmb. This isn't enough to her. Yet we have friends who got married and he did most of it himself (smaller apartment, cheaper interior and little help from his parents) he has a similar opinion as me. I'm happy to pay for everything, I just a two years to settle everything down.I don't care about her salary, mine is the bread winner and I consider it our money. I just want her to see we are fine and comfortable. I look at my mother paying thirty years for her house and my apartment for three years and I facepalm because these non issues.Sorry for the ranting. A difficult read.
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A
male
reader, Geta  +, writes (11 January 2014):
My marriage is multicultural but part of the decision to marry was a discussion over these customs. In my case we decided to follow my customs in large measure while setting aside many of hers that deal with finances or require spending in order to meet them.
Finally many of customs in one setting do not make sense in another and frankly if my wife side was unwilling to be flexible then, oh well, get yourself somebody else whom you can rule their marriage.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 January 2014):
 I'm not Chinese so I can't tell you what a Chinese girl might expect.
I would sit her down and talk it out. If her expectations is not at all reasonable or realistic, then maybe you need to reconsider marriage to her. Because that WILL cause friction later on.
You save 90% of your salary EVERY month? Goodness aren't you thrifty?! And she is still complaining?
I think her expectations are unreasonable, and frankly I would be sure to tell her this is 2014 and NOT on mainland China. If she WANTS to be with you, this is how YOU were raised and how YOU do things. Not saying that she "just" have to suck it up. But she has t understand that when you marry someone from another culture there will be a different viewpoint and if she can't accept or understand that.. maybe the cultural difference is just too big.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): Im Chinese, brought up in the UK, so I know a fair bit about this. In China almost no parent would allow their daughter to marry a guy who doesn't buy a house, or at least pay a large lump sum and pay off the mortgage (usually the mortgage is all the man's responsibility too). No it's not fair, yes it's ridiculous, but it's a fact, even when the girl doesn't require it her parents do and the parents have the final say. Furthermore in China usually the male side will give the female side a large chunk of money before the wedding as a 'gift', and the wedding costs are covered by the male side. However it's obviously not like this in the UK, I'm assuming your british? I'm sorry but your gf and her familyneed to understand marrying an English guy, in the UK, means it can't all be done the Chinese way.Personaly I expect nothing when getting married, I don't need it and as for a house, I think that is something 2 people should work together to get money for, it actually makes a couple stronger. I expect nothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): My partner and I have different cultures too. Mine is similar to your girlfriends' in that the guys family have to fork out a lot of money.My family is very conservative and I suspect they will be expecting what you mentioned, but I am very liberal and I don't think it's fair that the male partner has to shoulder the costs by virtue of being a man... So best case scenario, I convince my parents that it's unreasonable to expect xxx in a multicultural context. At worst, boyfriend and I will split the cost or pay a deposit and tell my parents he did it. Everyone wins. Both set of families are happy, couple have the house they want etc etc. But it does mean delaying the wedding so that you have enough time to line your ducks in order. It is absolutely unfair and unreasonable for your girlfriend's family to accept this when you are not from the same culture! And I'm coming from her culture.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 January 2014):
 Well, different cultures, locations and social groups have different expectations.
In my country too, Italy, which is still more about family than about independence, it is not unusual for the groom's family OR the bride's family OR both families combined, to help the new couple start their new life by buying them an apartment, it's not mandatory of course but mostly anybody who can afford it - or even only sort of afford it- does ( or did. We are all SO broke now :).
But, that's just the point. She is not in China and not marrying a Chinese guy with Chinese parents, so it is not reasonable from her to expect what she'd get in her country of origin.
She is ( I supppose from your flag ) in UK and marrying a British guy with British parents. If she wants a traditional Chinese wedding and a traditional Chinese family , then she is with the wrong guy in the wrong place. What it is reasonable to expect varies according to general context.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 January 2014):
This have changed considerably in Australia, although some marriages do follow traditional lines most don't, and the vast majority of couples now pay for their own weddings and only the mega rich would expect a house or apartment.
Traditionally in Australia, the bride's family were in charge of the guest list and they would let the grooms family know how many they could invite.
The brides family would pay for the food and brides dress. The Grooms family would pay for alcohol and other drinks, the priest, any church fees, the groom would buy all bridesmaids a nice gift, usually jewellery, and the groom was responsible for the cost of a honeymoon.
These days it is much more negotiable, I think you need to just tell your girlfriend you will not be asking your parents to go into debt to do something you don't want them to be doing. Tell her now, let her know it is non negotiable, if she cant accept it, then she is not the girl for you.
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