A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidIm with my current bf for almost 4 years, its the longest relationship for both of us. My bf was previously with lots of girls nothing lasted even for 6 months.Coming to my problem, he often becomes abusive, im not even sure whats his trigger. Few days back i went to my hometown and called him once i reached and i was not sure that he was sleeping and looks like my call woke him up. He was very angry towards me and shouted at me saying he'll kill me if i call ever call him when he is sleeping. After that call, he started insulting me, demeaning me...I stopped calling him or picking up his calls, once i came back to our place, he was nice and everything. Yesterday i asked him to clean the place as i was stuck at some other household work, he got angry again and literally stopped talking to me.What should i do now, i dont want to beg him to talk to me, he often stop talking to me when i ask him to do any work around the house or when i ask about marriage. I dont know how to handle him and anger anymore. Please help me Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 January 2014):
 I have not read the other replies yet and I'm few days late here but here is my spin on this.
I come from the life of being married to an angry abusive alcoholic.
IF he ever threatened to kill me for anything at all he'd be gone. and to threaten to kill me for WAKING him? that's insane.
His passive aggressive behavior when you ask him to clean HIS OWN HOME is ludicrous.
In my house when my husband gets angry and out of control or he is irrational (often angry when drunk becomes irrational) I LEAVE. I have SEVERAL friends who are supportive and loving and accepting and I go stay with them overnight.
Are you thinking this is normal behavior? it's not.
if you think you deserve it you don't
if you think marriage will make it better, it won't it makes it worse.
If he won't go to therapy and actually work a counseling program I suggest you not marry him. In fact, the best way to handle him is to leave him and not look back.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 January 2014):
Guy is an abusive loser. Just cut your losses and leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): Run, run, run away from this horrible person as fast as you can.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 January 2014):
 Note this phrase in your submittal: "....when i ask him to do any work around the house or when i ask about marriage. "
May I assume that you and he are NOT married? If "yes," then your "answer" is very simple. Walk away from this cad and never look back.......
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 January 2014):
 Sounds like you need to back your bags and leave.
This is not YOUR fault that he acts this way, it's not something YOU trigger. It's him having no self control and without a doubt serious anger issues.
YOU can't fix this, but YOU can CHOOSE to not accept that he treats you this way. WALK away. BLOCK him from your life. MOVE on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): This behaviour is VERY CONCERNING, it's not normal one bit and is not something anyone would EVER do to someone they truly love and want to be with. Sorry but it's the truth.The bottom line is there's no way you can handle it, or control it, he is abusing you with not on single thought about how it hurts you, ie. he's doing it because he just wants to, simple as that.You say you ask him about marriage but WHY would you want to marry your abuser? Do you think that this is just a phase, he's depressed, things will change when you get married? WRONG, abusers never change, and they feed off your hope that they will. The person being abused always stays because of that hope, or because of the few times when things are good, all the while putting up with abuse. ALso, generally domestic violence is the last stage in abuse. By the time they become physically violent, they have already given their partner so much emotional abuse that partner is a mental wreck, and doesn't have the strength to see clearly, and just up and leave. One last thing, you are only treated the way you allow people to treat you. The only way to stop him is pack a bag (preferably not alone) and run for the hills.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): Why would you want to marry a man who threatened to kill you for waking him up? This sort of behavior has to have been around from the very beginning of the relationship.
He never had another woman more than six months because he is a psychopath.
You'll have to pack your things, call a male relative and ask them to remove you from that place. Then you find a domestic abuse hotline, enroll in a women's support group, and find a shelter where you can stay and get counseling.
If you could still conceive in your mind that you could actually marry an abusive man; you truly should get help so you can sort things out, and remove yourself before you do get hurt.
You can't leave, because you're afraid to. I am sure he has put his hands on you before. Guys like that don't stop at threats.
If you've cut yourself off from family; I guess a shelter for abused women is the best you'll do until you get things in order. Most women in abusive relationships have no support system. It's all about the man, and they don't want to hear anybody's opinions about him. I hope this wasn't the case for you.
You might want to look into getting a restraining order, if you fear leaving is going to set him off.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 January 2014):
 Wow, he said he was going to kill you if you ever call and wake him up again??
I'm sorry, but what a piece of shit. Don't ever let anyone, under any circumstances, speak to you like that. I know you said you ignored him, but you ultimately forgave him and dropped it. So what you're saying to him is that it's okay to speak to you like that; that he can get away with it.
This guy has no clue how to treat another person. And I'm sorry, you deserve so much better than that. I'd give him one last chance, communicating that if he EVER talks to you like that again or gives you the silent treatment, your relationship is over. And then wait it out and see.
If he does it again, dump him. That's a complete and total deal-breaker.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Geta +, writes (11 January 2014):
Drop him and find a man who will treat you nice. Faster you get out of this faster you will find someone better. Just think: if he is pattern-abuser without apologies now he will continue with that in marriage and perhaps expand the abuse into physical. Get out now before you get locked in.
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A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (11 January 2014):
 Please, please don't think you need to 'handle' this. You need to leave. He is abusive and he is not going to change. It is not acceptable for him to threaten you, no matter what the reason is. I know when you are in a relationship it is hard, but there is someone else out there who will treat you so much better and you won't have to 'handle' his behaviour, because he will love and respect you.
Please leave while you can. No talking to him, no second chances. Leave.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 January 2014):
 It sounds like you need to get out of that relationship. You don't deserve to be demeaned and threatened as he has done. You can't change someone who is abusive. Sometimes they do change, but that is up to them to take the steps to do so. You have two choices. (1) Stay and endure the abuse (2) Leave so you'll be safe. That's it. If you stay it is the same as saying that you're okay being treated less than how you really deserve to be treated. I know that you have history with him being there for four years, but I'll tell you the longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the more your spirit and sense of self will be destroyed.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (11 January 2014):
 call the police, your family, call your friends get away
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