A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has changed so much since we got together it's like he's a completely different person. We've been together for almost five years and moved in with each other about a year ago. A year into the relationship, he started gaining weight and grew a beard that I don't like. He knows I don't like either of them. I am very much into working out and eating healthily myself. He's been saying he will lose weight since 2010 and making half assed attempts to do so, but just gets bigger. He does exercise, but continues to over eat massively. I don't want to have sex with him and he has guessed the reason why but still over eats, he's always hungry, even after a big meal. He refuses to shave off his beard even though he knows I don't like it, says he wants to lose weight first. I'm just not attracted to him any more. Also, he has a really sarcastic, critical personality. We almost split when we moved in together because he criticised everything I did and had meltdowns over the smallest things, like putting together a book case. I told him if the criticising and tantrums carried on, I would leave. It has improved, but he still can't help but criticise me over minor things. His father behaves in a similar way. It's just the way he is, I only realised the full extent when we moved in together. Basically, it seems he is just so different to the person I fell in love with, if I met him now, no way I would go out with him. He is very attracted to me and says he loves me very much, but I make an effort to look good and am a laid back, calm person. I wish I could have the man I first started dating back. Is it time to call it a day?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): OP here. Thank you all for your replies. I think the hope that I could one day feel for him again what I felt at first is what has kept me hanging in there. Guess I was hoping someone would suggest something I hadn't thought of or tried. Ironically, he doesn't like it when I wear my glasses rather than contacts and criticises overweight women all the time so I don't feel bad about not being keen on his weight. I don't think think he'd be impressed if the boot was on the other foot! I now know what I need to do. All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): I don't think he changed either OP except for the weight gain, which frankly is there to stay, especially seeing as it seems to be "happy weight" and he has zero reason to change his habits.
"Also, he has a really sarcastic, critical personality."
Sounds a lot like me, although I'm critical of others and situations rather than my wife, plus she has the same sarcastic sense of humour so we work well together. There are plenty of things in the world to be critical about that I don't need to direct any towards my wife, it would grind anyone down to be honest.
"if I met him now, no way I would go out with him."
Then it's time to call it a day OP and you know it. If I met my wife today I'd do everything in my power to get her. Funnily enough I wasn't even nearly her type when we first met, it took a long while of friendship before we fell in love. The opposite seems to have happened to you.
You fell for him from the start and then as you got to know him you fell out of love with him.
OP your wish here is to get this guy to change the very core of his personality for you. It's not that he changed but you finally got a taste of what it is really like to be his partner and what he'd like to live with. You have a future of sly little digs disguised as sarcastic jokes but with too much relevance to not be a real criticism to look forward to.
You can't have the guy you first started dating back because there's no such guy. That was just the best behaviour, trying to impress phase of the honeymoon period where everything is rosy.
I think you came here knowing full well what's going to happen but hoping somehow a fresh perspective or a new idea would change things. I'm afraid all we can do is confirm your fears and support the idea that this is probably the end of the road for you. It's been 5 years, you've been living together for a year you've discovered he's a man you just don't work with.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 January 2014):
 Yes... you and he have evolved such that you really aren't a compatible "couple", after all. Cut your losses....
Good luck...
P.S. "Moving in together" is a very dangerous step in a relationship.... as it allows the guy (usually) to let down his "guard" (of being a nice guy), since he now has his lady under the same roof.... and he often/usually has the upper hand - or, power - in dealings, after that. THAT is why I often advise against moving in together when women ask......
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 January 2014):
 I don't think he's rally changed a lot, maybe you have just seen more of his personality after moving in? Such as the criticizing you and throwing tantrums.
You write :" His father behaves in a similar way. It's just the way he is"
Well, honey, IT IS JUST the way your BF is too. Guess where he learned THAT behavior? AT HOME.
To me it seems like you are looking for ways to end it. It's more then just how he looks. You are just putting more emphasis on him being fat and unattractive (which people would slam a GUY for saying about his GF) then him throwing fits.
I would look for a new place (unless he is living at your place) and separate your finances then tell him you are moving out (or ask him to move out).
Why stay with someone you obviously don't love anymore?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 January 2014):
 It's true, people do change and it's why so many relationships end.
Ok you could tolerate the weight gain if you really really love him but the constant criticism and bitching is a deal breaker.
You can ask him to change.
You can tell him things are over unless he changes...
If he don't change or won't change, then you got the choice to walk.
Personally, if it were me and I were your age, I'd end things if he refused to change because life is too short to spend it with someone who makes you unhappy...but easier said than done.
(I did end a 20 year marriage but for something more serious. The bottom line was, I was miserable and felt unloved, asked him to fix things, he wouldn't, so I walked...regrets...none)
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