A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago I caught my wife having an affair with a co worker of hers. When I caught her I called her a slut. She became very angry I said that and has not to this day let go of me using that word. Why? Isn't a cheater a slut?
View related questions:
affair, co-worker Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (17 June 2009):
 I have only to add that the poster who asked the question would be best deserved listening to his own gut.
Sorry to the poster that we took this in another direction, and please know that my advice is brutally honest for a reason. And Kudos to Blondy as well
People Rob Banks because thats where the money is
People call cheaters sluts because that what they are.
So take it or leave it.
I wish you well
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): GrimmReality: Apologists defend a belief or cause. I am not defending the act of cheating. I am giving perspective of the causes of why cheating happens. Cheating is a dishonorable thing to do, yes, but we cannot categorize all cheaters into the same boat and label them as people that "don't give a damn" or "don't care about how you feel", etc.As for my former lover, I understood that I was not there for her emotionally, as well as physically. I understood she continued to stay with me, though her emotions were all over the place, torn between staying with me, trying to be more understanding of my own situation and going for the new man that was able to provide her an emotional and physical comfort she desired. I understood that not every human individual is capable of making the exact same choice as the next Rick, Tetsuo and Enomoto. I understood that she did give a damn, but at the same time, tired of me not being there for her for the weeks and months that went on as I catered to the welfare of my family. I understood that not every human being is strong to overcome what they want versus what they can do. I cannot jump out of a plane, even when I am on the back of a professional sky diver. I cannot swim properly, as I have the fear of deep dark waters. I cannot dance properly, as I have a major discomfort with those I am not close to. GrimmReality, can you jump out of a plane to sky dive? Can you swim? Can you dance? GrimmReality, you may not be able to cheat on your lover, as you may have a much stronger and defined will, but not every human individual share your solidity and definition. Just as not every human being is able to jump out of a plane, swim and dance. Each human is chained to the limitations of their mind. You and I are no different. It's just that our solidity in not being able to cheat or rather, choosing not to cheat are more vibrant in that solidity and definition. With that said, there is ALWAYS an excuse for cheating. Just as there is ALWAYS an excuse to stay together in a marriage, due to one's weakened nature. Just as there is ALWAYS an excuse to NOT jump out of a plane, due to uncertainty, fear of dying, fearing of getting hurt and fear of further hurt. Just as there is ALWAYS and excuse to NOT jump into an ocean, fearing the unknowns of the depths, fearing the underwater currents that may drag us down, fearing the monsters that lurk beneath. Just as there is ALWAYS an excuse to not dance, because we don't want to feel threatened, to feel foolish, to feel like we're looked down upon.There is a myriad of reasons why human individuals do what they do. To say there is NO excuse for someone to cheat, is exactly saying there is NO excuse for someone to not sky dive, to not swim, to not dance, etc.Broaden your mind GrimmReality and let the hurt loose. Exact revenge on the destruction of trust, by not doing it yourself, but know that there is ALWAYS a cause and ALWAYS an effect.NOTHING is black and white.However, know that I am not particularly against you. It's just that to view cheaters as the bad person, is no better than viewing all Germans and Japanese as monsters during World War 2. You preach the way American and English propaganda preached about Germans and Japanese during the war, but when you look at them in the face, they are just as human as the rest of us, with our own little quirks and perks. To them, we were just as monstrous as they were to us. The few that make up the 'bad' people do not dictate that the rest are also 'bad' people.Are all gangsters bad people? Are all police officers good people?
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (16 June 2009):
Ginseng,
There is no excuse ever for cheating...no ifs ands or buts.
emotional cheating is just the same. CHEATING. If someone does not have the intestinal fortitude or self respect to leave and cheats instead, then they deserve everything they get.
So yes, it takes intestinal fortitude to have the balls to leave a relationship. It takes no balls to cheat, only cowardice.
There are apologists abound...take a look in the mirror
There is always an alternative. Unless you are being physically forced to remain, then you simply get up, dust yourself off and go!
As for your answer to your lover of "understanding" why she did it?
I take it that you understood that she didn't give a damn about you or anyone else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Unlike others whom have posted here for your side of the story, we only know she cheated on you a few years ago, but why did she? Did you neglect her? Did you cause her emotional torment? What was her motive to cheat?The fact that you are still with her today, should tell us that you have forgiven her. If not, then the question everyone is asking, "Why are you still with her?"If you have indeed forgiven her and is still calling her a "slut", then that is no better than trying to put her down to satisfy your own ego. If this happened a few years ago and you still call her a "slut" to this day, then there is a good reason why she would still be angry.What she was and what she is today are two different things. She may not be reasonable in holding that sort of grudge if you have only called her by that label when the cheating happened, but if you are still calling her that to this day, then it is not emotionally responsible on your part to continue this.You and others may argue, "She was the first person to not be emotionally responsible and cheated!" Then I call you all who think like that ignorant. Everything has a cause and effect. Don't be so bold to label a person a cheater, when there are other forces at play and not every 'victim' of cheating is innocent.I am only offering another perspective of everything, since there is an abundance of people here who with a one shaded mind, only look at this sort of 'problem' from the surface.-----As for GrimmReality:You are obviously a 'victim' of being cheated on, but you also have a very black and white mentality. This was apparent in your hostile email to me earlier. As an aside from the poster's question, tell me this, if a person has been abused emotionally for years and came from a remote farming family, then later, married a man who continuously controls all aspects of her life, while making her feel less human and more like dung, then one day meets another man and has an emotional affair with him, would you still call her a "whore", a "skank", a "slut"? What would your justification be? That she 'should' have been strong enough to leave the controlling and abusive husband? That she was wrong regardless of what the reasons were?Even something less complicated and less extreme, that someone being constantly neglected and put aside would have the desire to seek out someone who better suit her or him emotionally, maybe even physically. There are no 'apologists' here. Just people that have a broad horizon in understanding people's emotions, desires, issues and such. To answer your question in private, publicly, yes, I have been emotionally cheated on before, but in the end as I broke up with my then-lover, I told her something along these lines:"I cannot at the moment continue this relationship with you, as you cheated on me with another man, but I understand why you did. My work and my time is for my parents. I have neglected you. Therefore, you require something more comforting. Someone to listen to you vent about me. I understand. However, I am still human and with this human heart hurting, I have to let you go."-----It's all about perception and awareness. Many 'victims' simply do not see and can never see. Everything has a cause and effect. Yes, indeed, some 'cheaters' do so because they want and they can. However, not everyone cheats for the same reason. Just because I was hurt, it didn't mean I was ignorant.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): she is so damn lucky you only called her a mild word such as a slut. but the following would aptly describe her;
whore
slag
sloppy seconds
piece of shit/trash
rubbish
if she is angry , just too bad......and why are you still with this person. and next thing she would actually blame you for her opening her leags to this other man. the gall of here. she is lucky you still took her back. she is more than a slut. i love the word whore..........don't you? your wife got off lightly and by the looks of it scot free.
GrimmReality, always love reading your words. calls it like you see it. good one.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): she cheats on you, yet gets mad because you call her a name as a result of her cheating?
Listen up man, toss this one aside she dont respect you.
Theres better women out there.
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (16 June 2009):
Uh dude, the question should be...
WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS SLUT???
For the Kids? The Economy?
Thats no excuse...be a man and kick your wife's ass out.She screwed arouind, she has to lose something for it. And thats any right to live under your roof
I see you are discovering that forgiveness is overated. Did she tell you it was a "Mistake" of "I didn't know what I wanted?"
Typical bullshit excuses.
Make her mind up for her and toss her shit on the lawn, dial up lover boy to come pick her up and let her be his problem.
Did you get tested for STD's? How do you know she hasnt screwed other guys?
You dont, becuase the slut isnt gonna be honest with you.
She is getting off light compared with what Id call her to her face and what I call all cheaters, regardless of gender.
Yep, she is just what you call her. I would add...
Garbage,skank, whore....the list goes on and on. But why do continue to put up with this piece of garbage in your life.
Dude, you should only address her as that for the rest of her life.... after you kick her ass out of the house and cancel your joint bank accounts...DUDE YOU CANT TRUST HER WITH HER VAGINA..WHY TRUST HER WITH YOUR MONEY?
Christmas Cards should be given salutations....
"Merry Xmas from me, my family, and the WHORE previously known as my wife!"
That would be priceless.
MISTAKE? As opposed to what some misguided and unrealistic apologists on this site will tell you.... Cheating takes a conscious effort of selfishness and disrespect. So I think Slut is pretty light. Myself Id go with WHORE,or GASH but you have your own lexicon
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (16 June 2009):
 If, "a few years" later you are still dwelling on this and if you believe that she is a "slut" then why on earth are you still married to her?
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (16 June 2009):
Well if she doesn't want to be called a slut, then she probably shouldn't act like one. In my opinion, women cheat for emotional purposes--not because they "need to get some." Which may not always be the case, but maybe in her mind she's not cheating on you because she's a slut, but because of other reasons. Maybe she feels insecure or that she's not getting the affection that she feels from you. I don't know the situation and I'm in no way taking her side. But I'm just trying to give you some reasons why she may be upset at the whole name-calling when she's clearly in the wrong.
And yes, cheating once makes someone a cheater.
...............................
A
female
reader, love-struckxo  +, writes (16 June 2009):
 Me, being a girl. I hate the word 'slut' is so degrading!!I also don't think that people who cheat once, should be called a 'cheater' I believe that a 'cheater' is somebody who constantly repeats that mistake.I understand that in the heat of the moment, why you would of said it. I understand how you must of felt - but I am sure you could of used a more appropriate word as I'm guessing you have a wide vocabulary.I am guessing you guys have worked past this - and are still together, so I would suggest apologising for it.One more time.. I HATE THAT WORD!! Take carexx
...............................
A
female
reader, Blondy +, writes (16 June 2009):
 SHE hasn't let it go? Excuse me? This woman cheated on you, betrayed your trust and is mad at YOU for calling her what she is? I'm sorry, that is retarded. Yes, she is a slut because she cheated on you. How dare she be mad about that! You should be pissed at her for this, thats what she thinks about when looking back to her affair? What you called her? Wow, there are many worse things you could have called her that she would have deserved for cheating on you. Sorry about the rant but this is ridiculous. Yes, a cheater is a slut.
...............................
|
