A
male
age
41-50,
*raditional1
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for a little under a year and I find myself obsessing about her sexual past. We are both in our late 20s, so we’ve been through the highschool, college, and post-college freedom experiences. I’m sure that she has skeletons in the closet, hell I’ve got plenty, but I have a limit on how many I can tolerate in my potential wife. Respect is the pillar that long term relationships stand on (marriage), and I believe that self respect must exist for mutual respect to form. Sex in past relationships does not bother me, I understand that is part of the deal. But, I cannot respect a woman that has given the most intimate part of herself away, with no real attachment in play. Screwing random people, hooking up, one night stands, whatever you call it, is fine for some, but I do not want that type of person as the mother of my children. I don’t need lectures on sexual equality, ridicule for being old-fashioned, or the likes. Things are getting pretty serious with us, and everything seems perfect, I just don’t want to continue down this path to find out later that she has a past that I cannot accept. I’m not saying my views are right or wrong necessarily, just that they exist and affect me. If anyone out there has been through this and found resolution, please share.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): I hear you bro -- I feel exactly the same way. Im 39 -- my gf (of 4 mos) just turned 25 -- I know big gap. Anyways I got divorced 4 yrs ago, and she is the best thing Ive found since --- after going out w/ over 30 or so girls (not sleeping with most). I found out 1 month in, she has slept with 16 guys before me. I just found out today that she did 2 in the same day. She stopped that behavior about a yr ago, and is ashamed of how she was. She got hurt in a relationship about 3 yrs ago, and just decided not to care for nearly 2 yrs. To make things even better -- we found out (after making her get tested)-- she has HPV -- she really doesnt act slutty or anything, in fact, she has been nothing but honest and good with me, and is actually quite the homebody. She wants to marry me eventually, but I'm having a hard time seeing her as marriage material. Now Im a bit of a hypocryte here, since Ive slept with the same number as her (including one of her co-workers -- and she's been great about that). Like you-- I dont care about the past relationships, its the slutting around for 2 yrs that bothers me. Sometimes I feel like she has (or had) no moral standards. The only advice I can give is ---- a good relationship is REALLY hard to find. I've been through 4 yrs (and countless dates) to find something like I have now. As hard as it is for me, Im going to suck it up, and say it was just a phase she went though -- wasnt like that before, and isnt now. It wont be easy for either of us, but maybe we can grow and mature through all this. I would have a good talk with her, get the answers you need (not too many details)--- it will probably rock the boat a bit, and you'll have youe fights over it for a while, but if you can get past those rough waves, you may find that smooth sailing you had before. It may even strengthen your relationship. It's a lot better to get it out of the way now, than finding out things you cant accept on your sons 4th birthday. Good Luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): You have every right to be concerned. Everyone has a past, but it's also a pretty good indicator of future behavior, especially for women. A man has urges. He should learn to control them, but most don't. A woman, on the other hand, has attachments. Her first attachments are strongest, but these diminish with each additional one. This is why virginity is traditionally prized in women. These are general traits and obviously there are some exceptions.Your feelings are normal. Colleges want transcripts, employees want resumes. Not perfect predictors, but good indicators. You want a history.I wish it were easier, but you need time. Watch her habits. Her friends are a good indicator. Have a conversation with her about values. Talk to her about general scenarios, and see how she thinks about moral issues. Watch her behavior too. Talk is cheap but actions are loud. But don't be obsessive. You need time to get this right.
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A
male
reader, Traditional1 +, writes (16 June 2009):
Traditional1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses so far. To clarify, we have not approached the topic of sexual pasts yet. I have some suspicions because her best friend for years is a very sexually liberated person, which is fine for her... not me. When stories come up from the past, my girlfriend just sits silently. This include some heavy drinking, partying, random trips, etc.. all things that I have done, so I know what comes along with those activities (again, I am no angel). I'm scared to ask because, once you know - you know. I'd much rather just not care, like hypnosis or something, it's just not who I am. Also, if I have to share my experience, it might not go over too well if she has been pretty conservative. I really do appreciate your opinions... thanks.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (16 June 2009):
Just to clear something up, do you KNOW she has a past of sleeping around? Or do you just suspect it? Or are you worried about the unknown,thinking this could be a possibility?
If you arent sure about her sexual past, then you should start a conversation about it with her, and share yours as well.
If you find out she has slept around with alot of guys etc...
Well, I can understand how you feel! Ive been in a similar situation where my ex bf would brag about how many girls he had slept with to me, like as if it was something to be proud of. He slept with many girls on the first date. I found it really hard to respect him because of that. It also made me feel like I meant nothing to him and I didnt want to sleep with him because I thought I would just be like all the other girls.
So I do understand your feelings. But it is up to you to decide whether or not you can deal with her past or not. If you honestly feel it is something that will always stop you from truly respecting her, then maybe its best you consider if this relationship should end or not.
However, I think you must consider the context in which her past happened. Ask her why she did those things. Things change over time, as do people. Is it possible her beliefs and values in regards to sex have changed? I think you need to ask her about this. Ask her if she considers her past a mistake, if she regrets what she did. All of these things will give you a true indication of her she is currently, and that is truly what matters I think.
Im assuming she was young when she did those things, so I think you also need to take that into account. Its quite common for young girls to be insecure and to sleep around in hope it will make them feel more confident (this comes back to asking why she did it). Maybe she did have little respect for herself in the past, but maybe this has changed now? As we grow older, people tend to value themselves more and truly respect themselves. They learn their true value.
So I really think you should consider all that before making any big decisions such as ending the relationship. If you talk to her, and she thinks what he did was fine, no big deal, doesnt regret it, and he values and level of self respect havent changed, then maybe it is a sign that you two possibility arent right for each other.
Hope you work it out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): If he could just decide not to dwell on the past and that would actually work, he would. The problem is that natural emotions don't work that way. A lot of the things that we find sexy or attractive or endearing in a partner can be totally illogical and sometimes even downright problematic. This is just one more thing that matters to some people more than others.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): It's clearly important to you, so the only thing to do is talk to her about it. If you're both getting serious, and you suspect there's a deal breaker lurking, then get it out in the open and deal with it before you waste any more of her time or yours.
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A
female
reader, EBM2008 +, writes (16 June 2009):
 Could you perhaps add specifics to let us help you more? From what I read, it seems like you suspect she's had one night stands and things like that, but you're unsure. All I can say is if her past matters so much, why are you even considering marrying her? Your love for her and hers for you should be what matters. Don't dwell on the past.
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