A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi cupids any chance of a little help??Been seeing a guy for 5 months now, it’s been ok-ish.I've began to fall for him and I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing allowing myself to as he's so complicated.He’s got a lot going for him, he works very hard and I admire that and he looks after his kids from a previous relationship, again I admire that but I’m not sure he’s the time or energy to give anything to me.He comes round about 4 maybe 5 nights a week for an hour or so and it’s usually a quickie then he falls asleep then goes home, we have a night out once or twice a month and well, that’s it. That’s the extent of what we do together. I've asked on numerous occasions if we are in a relationship or not and he’s always very reluctant to answer me, and the two times when he did answer me all he’s said is that he doesn't want to rush anything.That's fair enough, but it’s been 5 nearly 6 months now and I don’t think I’m being unreasonable in saying its becoming a bit ridiculous now. He’s not putting any effort into us at all.I even tried to organize something special for valentines; I said he could pick what he wanted me to wear and I would have to wear it! Spice things up, have a bit of fun! His reply was :Don’t you think you’re wasting your money as I'll be tired from work and more than likely fall asleep!He just doesn’t show any interest at all. I told him he put me on a downer saying that as it made me feel very insecure and unwanted and he just sat there at mine and ignored me. We sat in silence for like an hour. I was waiting for him to just do one out the door as the atmosphere was so tense and I was so pissed off giving him the silent treatment, but he just sat there, then after an hour said he was going home and even tried to give me a kiss.I don’t get it! If he really wants to be with me why isn’t he making any effort to do so?Does he just expect me to be there as and when he wants? I don’t think he realises that if he doesn’t pull his finger out and sort this that I will walk away. I don’t want to at all, but I’d rather get out now rather than another month or two down the line when more feelings are involved and its harder to get out of.He’s always said that if he didn’t want to be here, he wouldn’t be. But that doesn’t tell me much at all. He doesn’t show any interest. I want to give him an ultimatum, but I need your help, do you think I should/shouldn’t and why?If I should how should I put it to him? I’ve tried to explain my feelings the best I can but he does not understand what I’m saying, how would you guys put it to him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): The only reason he moved in with you was because his gf had to move far enough away to not be taken advantage of anymore. Seeing how he was with her constantly, it makes sense, the little fights he'd pick so he could spend a night out every four days or so. Everyone has been taken advantage of and hurt by this predator...... Sad.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): OP here again, update for you guys:Well i really appreciate all your help such wonderful advice!I had it all out with him and told him exactly what i wanted and made it abundantly clear that if he didn't agree to making more effort and committing himself to me then i would dump him! He came clean and said (miraculously) that because i wouldn't let it go and threatned to leave him he had to tell me that he had plans on valentines for HIM to ask ME for a relationship. lol. He agreed to make more effort, said he couldnt keep it a surprise now as I'd jumped the gun and threatned to get rid of him. felt a little awful in finding this out but we are (for now) happyI hope this does stay happy for usagain many thanks
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (7 February 2013):
Don't ask him what he wants, or ask him to tell you if he thinks you are or aren't in a relationship. Tell him what you want.
Tell him what you aren't happy about, tell him what you want, and then see what he does, not what he says. You can ignore whatever he says and focus on what he does. That will give you your answers, but you need to tell him where you stand. If you want him to acknowledge that you are in a relationship, tell him that's what you want. And if that means you want to go out once or twice a week together, or have x number of night where you are spending quality time together rather than just having sex, then tell him that. Whatever it is you want, make a list and tell him. Then see what he does.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): Im the OP. thanks for your comments.
I dont think they were overly harsh, actually your all in a way right.
I do feel like a knock-off to him.
Well i told him how i felt last night, said if he doesnt make this a relationship and put more effort into it then im walking.
He told me that i was not a "quickie bit on the side at all" so i asked what i was and he just grumbled something.
today he asked how i was , as if nothing happened pffft!
I told him i still felt the same and im not budging on my request, he said he would ring me later.
Il let u guys know what happenes, but if he doesnt compromise then im definatly out of it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Well the first thing I would do is stop letting him come over 4 or 5 nights a week for sex and sleep.
If at this point he has not taken you to family events, introduced you to family, friends, co-workers and even his kids (by 5 months of regular visits I think it's ok for the kids to know about you)... then that's your answer honey... you are a handy penis holder.
Ugly feeling isn't it.
You even started with 'it's been ok-ish"
you are lukewarm on this guy
he's probably using your for a warm meal, a warm body and a warm bed...
you want to give him an ultimatum for what? to do what?
I would not bother. His actions tell you exactly how he feels and what he wants.
I would say "listen billy-bob, it's been a fun ride these last few months, but i'm not happy and I think we should part ways"
he will say "but why it's so good" and you can say to him
"how is it good?"
Listen to what he says (note them down if you must so you can address the issues there...
if he says 'sex is good" you can say "yes but a relationship needs more than sex so since we've had sex almost daily for 5 months, if you want it to be good again we are now on sexual break for 5 months.. no sex no blow jobs no hand jobs..."
see his response to that....
if he says "we have fun" say "you have fun" tell me how WE have fun... then he can list the things he thinks are fun.
truthfully he won't have any good answers because it's all about sex honey.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 You must be a patient type, I'd think that 6 months of quickies, naps and ..nothing much else would have bored to tears everybody.
In general, if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck.... if he does not show enthusiasm and interest, it must be because he does not feel it. Or, he is already showing you all the enthusiasm and interests that he is able to feel with his current work, schedule and family obligations.
I thinks he realizes perfectly that you are frustrated and unsatisfied with the current state of things ( you've told him already, repeatedly ) and that once you get TOO frustrated you'll walk away , but... a) you haven't done it yet , in fact you have been putting up with more of the same, so he's counting to drag it on some more b ) if he is not that interested to begin with , then he hasn't got much to lose anyway, does he ?
So why is he staying ?.. well, said brutally, maybe he likes his quickies. And, there's not only crazy in love or total distaste. In between there's a vast grey area of " it's Ok -eish for the moment - in lack of better - and as long as I don't have to make any effort to keep it going ". Which seems to be the case.
Are you sure you want to squeeze out a commitment from such a boring, sleepy guy ? Even if you manage to make him say " yes, I am your boyfriend " it seems to me you are in for a long series of yawns- I think you can get, and deserve, something better.
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A
female
reader, chinana  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Dear OP, here is what I have learned from past relationships. when I invest time, love, energy, care etc into a relationship I believe that I should receive the exact from my partner. If my feelings are not reciprocated then I know that he is not worth investing into. After dating for 5 months and he still isnt sure if he wants a relationship or isnt ready to commit then you have an emotionally unavailable man on your hands. He probably is a good guy but actions speak louder than words. His actions dont seem to reflect what you would consider a man in love with you, a man who even after a hectic day work and his kids looks forward to coming to see you. He isnt putting effort into making your relationship special his comments about valentine's day shows that. To him you doing something special for him is a waste of money, seriously.
Sometimes some people are so ignorant of the fact that they have something good in their hands and take it for granted. Dont be taken granted OP. You deserve someone is willing to invest into a real and meaningful relationship rather than someone who is obviously just going through the motions. Goodluck OP.
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A
female
reader, MissMacBreeMac +, writes (6 February 2013):
 If you want to know, ask him! Say something like "so, what exactly are we doing here?" Or even more bluntly "Are you my boyfriend?" If he seems surprised or doesn't really know what to say, let him know what you want by saying you either want a casual relationship or if you want to be exclusive.
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