A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I guess like a lot of girls do, I thought I could change my boyfriend. He smokes weed and drinks a lot. His friends are no good and he doesn't look after me or our children as he should. I don't work as my youngest is 3 weeks old, and my older child is only 17 months old. I thought being a dad would change him, make him grow up and see what he is doing is wrong.For a short while when our eldest was born, he did kind of change. He played the daddy role well and he still drank but didn't smoke weed, which was am improvement. But he slowly went back into his old ways, and by that point I was already pregnant with our second baby. I have put up with all of the rubbish for so long. I don't know how to get out of it. Maybe it was wrong to have a baby with him in the first place but I love my kids and neither were planned so its not as if I set out to have kids with him. I do love him, when he's the nice guy but I haven't seen that guy for nearly a year.Basically, I don't know what to do for the best. Whenever I ask to face his issues, he does talk to me about changing but it never happens. All his money goes on his lifestyle and we struggle at the best of times. Please help me work out this mess. I arent close to my family and friends just say ' told you so '
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): you both need to grow up. obviously with his lifestyle he is not working so do you both think it is upto social welfare to support you and your family? like abella said, you need a plan and you need it fast. the kids deserve better and someone who smokes weed around them is not fit to be a parent.
A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (7 February 2013):
 You need to be responsible now that you've got kids to think about. You can't stay with this man because he's not gonna change. If you insist on doing so, your kids will probably have a better life if you give them up for adoption. If you insist with staying with him, don't have anymore children because that's being cruel to them and putting you in a situation (like this) that is difficult to get out of. Do the right thing by them because you haven't by bringing them into the world even though you were aware the father had problems. If you leave him, there's a chance (I don't know how it is in your country) that he is obligated to pay for child support even if you aren't married. Anyway, the thing you should understand is that he won't change. Don't keep hoping he will because you'll just be disappointed 20 years down the track when you've wasted half your life expecting something different.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Well, you've got yourself a good one there. Great role model for your kids. In short, no he won't change and you were naive to think having kids would do so.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): "I guess like a lot of girls do, I thought I could change my boyfriend."I guess like a lot of guys do, I don't understand why so many girls waste their time trying to "change" selfish, immature, iresponsible, deadbeat, drinking, drugging party boys (and ruin their own lives in the process, as you pretty much have) when there are guys out there who are intelligent and hard-working and decent and responsible and respectful as they are, and therefore do not need to "change" one bit to suit potential girlfriends. "I thought being a dad would change him, make him grow up and see what he is doing is wrong."You were wrong. Any random fertile male can make pregnant an ovulating female at any moment in time. Being a dad is entirely different than being a sperm depositor. If he was a loser before he knocked you up the first time, then you shouldn't have expected him to be any different now. "Maybe it was wrong to have a baby with him in the first place but I love my kids and neither were planned so its not as if I set out to have kids with him."Take control of your fertility."Please help me work out this mess."Abella has given you an exhaustive list of resourses. In the meantime all you can do is accept the cold harsh reality that your choices have effectively (for the next several years at least) result in a hard-scrabble life as an unmarried single mother, and it's up to you to do the best you can to make sure your children have the best chance possible to succeed in life.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Hi
You don't say if he has a job or not, he seems to have alot of time to drink and smoke, time he could spend helping you out with the children.
He has chosen his lifestyle,but bought 2 kids into the world, now he isn't man enough to accept his responsibilities.
I don't think he will change, not in the near future,he isn't ready to nor does he want to,he buries himself in escapes by smoking weed and drinking,mixing with bad company.
You either give him an ultimatum,stop or get out, or simply throw him out and go it alone. Your friends and family can see him for what he is and now you can.It must be hard with a 3 week old baby, a toddler and no support, at least if you were single you wouldn't have to cope with him on top.
Get some advice on where you stand financially and home wise if your single, make sure child maintenance is organised,try to get support from family too.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (6 February 2013):
He may change, who knows. You may have to give him an ultimatum that he either quits or you are leaving him. If he doesn't quit you need to leave. And you have to follow through.
Give him all of the reasons he needs to hear and be as supportive as possible if he chooses to quit.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 February 2013):
 And if you don't live in Ireland then my answer will just demonstrate why using the right flag ensures more accurate answers.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 February 2013):
First of all I think the environment for you and your children is potentially abusive for you and your children. He spends all his available money on his perceived needs – including weed and alcohol. This is irresponsible and potentially dangerous for you and your children. He is not a supportive partner and he is not a responsible parent. So the advantage for him is your presence and the support you give him. But in return he disrespects you and fails to support you and the children properly. So he is a liability until he can get his act together. Plus while his friends also smoke weed and drink excessive alcohol he has no motivation to stop.
Offer him some options to rid himself of his addiction to weed and his over-use of alcohol. Here is one option to help. If you contact them they could advise you of the closest service to where you live now. Offer him help to get off drugs http://www.drugs.ie/
And if he is not motivated enough to get off drugs then make plans to leave
If you decide to leave then you will need the financial resources to support you and the children and initially you may need short term emergency accommodation. And you have mentioned that you cannot ask you family for help you. Here are some options:
Family Support: http://www.fsa.ie/selected-by-service/family-resource-centre/
Getting support in Dublin if you need to leave a relationship in an emergency situation: http://www.saoirsewomensrefuge.ie/about-us/
Some money advice is important and here it is: http://www.spunout.ie/health/Young-parents-%2526-pregnancy/Young-parents-and-money
Income support in Northern Ireland for young families : http://www.nidirect.gov.uk/income-support
In the time after you leave and find a place to settle, do give some thought to studying. Getting an education when you are a Young Parent - http://www.treoir.ie/PDF-documents/y_p_edu.pdf
Helping young Parents in Northern Ireland – there are many resources to help you.
http://www.platform51.org/downloads/resources/reports/supportingyoungparents.pdf
Your guy is mixing with a crowd who are no better than him. Sadly it is true that if you lay down with undesirables then some of their influences will affect the new guy in the group. If he will not give up his friends then maybe you need to give up on him. Until he realizes his mistake. When ever that might be? Being a Dad has not changed him for the better.
Children are not a novelty to play with. Children need a calm environment where they do not see things that may frighten them. A Toxic environment is like living in a War zone. And that does harm a child.
Do not blame yourself for getting pregnant. Instead, quietly make plans to leave. Without saying much to him such that he might feel threatened and abusive.
I am sure you do love your children very much. And you will want them nurtured and loved in a calm peaceful environment where they can be supported with love.
He’s changed and you must expect it to get worse as his addiction to weed becomes worse. Because of his addiction to weed and his abuse of alcohol you can no longer rely on his assurances that he will change in the near future.
Put you and your children first and make plans to go somewhere safer.
If you can also consider a free counselling service that your government may provide.
Good luck and please consider an update.
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