A
female
age
30-35,
*eautifulLoser
writes:In my last question I had asked what I should do about my lazy, unmotivated boyfriend. Well, I'm at the point where I think I'm almost at a decision. But now, I need help in a different way.No matter how loving and nice he is to me..I just don't think I can do this anymore. I spent $1000 on him in a year, just on his cigarettes and phone bill alone. I can't support him when I need to support myself. I brought up the subject of getting a job to him a few days ago and he blew up on me. Saying that I'm a spoiled brat and that I've been 'dragging him around by the neck for the past two years' and 'I'm nothing but miserable'. He told me that I didn't understand how hard it was to get a job. I understand that it's hard..but 2 years without one? C'mon.. I've been nothing but supportive of him, all while dealing with the verbal abuse he dishes out when he has a fit or a mood swings.So my question is..how do I go about getting rid of him? What's the best way? I'm at the point where I don't even want to see him again, because I'm afraid that if I see him I'll just fall right back to where I was before. He's slick, he knows how to manipulate people into doing what he wants and he's great at playing the woe is me card to make someone feel bad for him. He's had a bad childhood, but that should only make him feel more motivated to change himself. Shouldn't it? The only thing is, is that a majority of his things are at my house. Once he's gone I'm cutting all communication with him. Blocking him via social networking sites, as well as any of his friends or family and I plan to have his number blocked. I just don't know how to finally break it off. Also, I'm a tad worried that he might do something one way or another.. His mother lives about twenty miles away, but within the past year he moved about 10 minutes away from me. During that blow up, he repeatedly said that he was going to kill himself or kill everyone around him. We've been together for over 2 years so he knows where I live, where I work, etc. I don't know if he's serious about it or not, but saying that has made me a bit uneasy. So please, I need to know how to make the cleanest break as possible with him. How do I not end up back at square one, debating with myself about breaking up with him in the first place? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 You need to leave this one for your own sake. I've been there.
"I would recommend pulling away in the relationship or becoming very mean about things that bother you...this is one situation where hopefully if you can make him relieved you are breaking up, he won't do any harm to anyone else."
This is an unbelievably stupid and irresponsible and VERY DANGEROUS idea and can't believe someone has even suggested it. This is tantamount to torture. Especially considering this guy is unstable.
"I would also recommend speaking with a counselor about your fears as they may have some sources of help."
Now this part, I agree with.
PunchWolf has it down; "What you need to do is plan the practicalities very carefully, and tell some trusted friends, so they know exactly how they can support and protect you... I mean really strong people who genuinely care about you, who will be there for you, and you can open your heart to... You need this network of friends because after you leave your boyfriend there will be a vacuum and you will feel isolated. At that point you will be vulnerable to pleas and threats from your soon-to-be ex."
You need to use your own "support network".
I would also advise contacting the police and letting them know of the situation beforehand so they have a record of it should anything happen.
You must be VERY STRONG and FIRM and not go back... EVER.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Oh this is so hard. Let me start with this.. YOU are not responsible for him if he harms himself or others. However, if he tells you he’s planning to harm himself or others you can call the police and report it. They can take him into protective custody… he’s probably just threatening it to scare you… call his bluff. Once he has a 72 mandatory psych eval under his belt, he probably won’t do that again….
Now… stop paying his phone bill. You no longer care if you can get in touch with him or he with you, so why do you care if he has a phone…
Step three stop buying him cigarettes or gifts or food or gas or ANYTHING else.
Step 4… tell him, Pack up anything he has at your place and put it in a bag by the front door. Next time he comes over say “I’m done. I can’t do this with you any more. I’m sorry to spring it on you out of the blue but in time you will understand that it’s what’s best for both of us. I’m holding you back from being an adult with my caretaker ways and I can’t do that any more as it’s bad for both of us”. Wish him well and then go no contact.
IF he shows up at your door… you call the police. YOU must take a very firm stand with a leech like this.
His bad childhood is not anything other than an explanation of what he learned. He can unlearn it. He’s young and still flexible with his thinking if he wishes to be.
IF you are afraid he will hurt you… keep records of threats or actions… and then if it gets bad you go to the police about getting a restraining order. DO NOT WORRY about hurting him. HE IS NOT your PROBLEM to fix any more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): "He's had a bad childhood, but that should only make him feel more motivated to change himself. " He should also not make you worry about other peoples' lives, but unfortunately, no matter how many times we think someone should do something, it is only he who can decide.I think this is a very difficult situation for certain and I am sorry you are dealing with this. You are only 18-21 years old and really should not be supporting another grown adult at this age. I would recommend pulling away in the relationship or becoming very mean about things that bother you...this is one situation where hopefully if you can make him relieved you are breaking up, he won't do any harm to anyone else. On the other hand, I would also recommend speaking with a counselor about your fears as they may have some sources of help.Good luck!!!
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