A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:ok how does people think about dogging my husband of 20 yrs wants us to go he thinks it might spice up our sex life his fantasy is to see me with other men. sound weird my fantasy is to see him with another women. trouble is he has recently been caught going to prositutes now im confused although ive know for yrs this has been his fantasy ive linked him going to prositutes, is he trying to turn me into one!!! i really dont mind fantasing about other men but to actually let another man touch me seems wrong. but then if im turned on maybe i would not sure though please help me on this one. xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): Hi Everybody
Just been to this site, I feel, there is some mix up with regards to sanctity of a relationship, (which is a idealistic view of what a marriage should really be like) V/s The actual needs in a relationship. These needs, change with time.
We live with the perception that we could keep getting what we expect from the person at the other end, but miss out the fact here- that; we tend to misinterpret his intentions, and ability of the other individual and that is what actually brings in misery
In the given case, for the sake of argument,
1) What happens to the sanctity of your marriage, if
a) He fantasies someone else, yet does not let it come on his expressions
b) He indulges in discreet relation; with / without your consent
c) He masturbates, with some else on his mind
What needs to be appreciated here is that, he has expressed his desires honestly, (probably, because he still loves you, and expects you to reciprocate equally) He could have kept that a close guarded secret.
What happens after one masturbates, the sex drive merely goes away, giving a feeling (only if for a short while) of relaxation and pleasure.
We were not born to be ideals, we are human; our needs remain human, the problem is that we chose not to accept these facts, and fulfil these needs, but keep punishing ourselves with the choices that we ourselves wouldn’t won’t to live with. only in the name of some religion or belief, which does not answer our needs, apart from keeping us hungry for the desire or torture ourselves by killing those emotions with the help of some feeling of purity ,ethics and what not!!
You never expected to go through all this 20 years ago, when you married him? Did you? yet it has happend, what could you make out of it
1) Has he lost his love for you
2) Is he finding you less interesting
3) Is he finding new ways to satiate his desires, the emotions of which are directed towards you.
Why worry about what’s going to happen in the future.
20 years ago, your sex drives could satiate each other, yet (Whether you accept this or not) there must always have been a latent yearning for this fantasy, which probably never came up consciously – however the same has now become dominant.
If you are not comfortable with this, leave him to himself, do not crucify him for betrayal; he is merely looking for a sex drive directed towards you, in a different form. (Do confirm this with him)
Why not give it a try, may be you may start liking it, or maybe he may dislike it.
If jealousy sneaks in, let that be seen and left off as another experience of life rather than brooding on it.
Stop speculating, about where will the next thrill come from etc. Such questions have no answers.
Do take a conscious decision, the choice should be something that you both agree upon between yourselves.
Good Luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Hi I go dogging with my husband and its cool.
Its not illegal to have sex in a public place, as long a you do not cause offence to other people and have a reasonable expectation of privacy.
Do not get dogging mixed up with swinging, they are different although a new phenomenon "outdoor swinging" seems to be becoming popular - swinging meets are always arranged before hand, where as dogging is not.
Some couples go dogging just to put on a live sex show and do not full swap or allow involvement from others.
As for the jealousy or fear that sex might be better with another person other than your partner, we have spoken to other dogging couples and this is what we all tend to agree upon :-
Sex and love are two seperate things.
The best sex is always with your partner, especially when your high on the buzz of the fun you just had while out dogging.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 Hear Hear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Anon...That was the most enlightening and humourous response I read in sometime. Kudos. Made me smile.
And I agree with Anon below.
You can't rationalize with a self serving person-they don't care what you think or feel.
Find someone who has compassion and puts you first.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Dogging is for dogs and if dogs want to do it it is a free country. Take him to a zoo and leave him there. Why are you with him when you could be having a free life, trying relationships with other people and making your own choices. You might find someone who actually loves you. I think he is a sexual opportunist and his soul is as shallow as a dirty puddle. It takes much more effort to make a long term relationship sexy. It takes imagination, he has none, he just want to smash and grab. He wants McDonalds-type sex, not gourmet food at home. I hope he gets fat on it, let him get on with it and get yourself a life where you are not beholden to fools. Nothing in life is for free, all excesses come with a price. The more people can have, the more they take and the less satisfied they are with anything. Get gone, tell him you found someone better and stop cowering in your life under the shadow of his seedy existence. Tell him you are going to tell everyone he knows what he is doing. If there is no shame in it why would he object? Because people may make of him what he actually is, and I am sure he does not want THAT. So why should you find it acceptable? Aren't you special? Would you want this type of relationship for daughters? If not why is it good enough for you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): Hunny
you have to talk with him, This is getting you down and rightly so to, This is your husband and if it were me id say if he wanted to keep it this way he better start listening to how you feel and what you want TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok im going with my gut here but my husband gets off on anyhting what is wrong we have joined a cam web site its couples that have fun on the computer you can talk to them he is on it at every oppotunity, our sex life is brilliant he says that! we do anything and everything we want so i cant understand the need for all this cheap sex he wants (prostitutes, swinging, dogging, and internet is our relationship falling apart. last night we went to this dogging site and he watched a couple in a car he said it didnt really do a lot for him but def wants to go back and see more!! please help
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (21 September 2007):
The problem, aside from the obvious health risks, is that once you open a door like this in your marriage, there is likely no going back. Once you try this - where does the next thrill come from? There is nothing wrong with one on one sex, or even discreet outdoor sex (although it's illegal) but most married people feel that it would be being unfaithful to each other. I would also be afraid of the element (people) that I was being exposed to - who are they? It's a wee bit suspect and I can't imagine that they would be the most savory lot. I lived in Holland for a decade and often walked around the red light district - that was more than kinky enough for me and most of the time I walked out a bit shell-shocked, and I never went in to any shows or clubs, so there are ways to titalate yourself without becoming involved without putting yourself at personal risk. I think it's better as a fantasy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): I don't understand why people get married when they want to have sex with other people. If you're both the kind of people who don't like being monogamous, why even get married? Marriage vows say forsaking all others, not having sex with all others. Do you not care about the promise you made in front of God? I know that wasn't your question, but this is the way I look at it. Sure, I fanasize about being in a porno film or something kinky in order to get off during sex with my husband & I can only assume he has fantasies too. But I would NEVER in a million years consider doing other people. So I say no, don't do it. But ultimately it is up to you & your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): There is something sacred about touch isn't there. Visualising, thinking etc can all be done with discretion but touch crosses boundaries and you are right to feel it would be wrong. Otherwise why would women that are 'touched up'by some bloke in a bar or worse, assaulted, feel so horrified and disgusted if it didn't matter. The most important thing is that your heart and 'gut instinct' are trying to tell you something here. I suggest you trust them both and realise that real pleasure comes from intimacy and respect.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (21 September 2007):
 Sometimes when I'm unsure of something, I step back and imagine I'm actually watching myself do the act. It's like being a fly on the wall. It can give you a more realistic idea of what it actually is or how ridiculous it might look.
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (21 September 2007):
 i think the key point is where you said :i really don't mind fantasing about other men but to actually let another man touch me seems wrong.you've answered your own question. Keep it as a fantasy. It will be a million times better than the reality because like others have said, it wont be as straight forward as your husband thinks. Jealousy will almost certainly come into it. He'll probably keep asking you if the other guy was better than him etc etc. Most fantasies are better kept as fantasies because the reality is just a disappointment.Don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with - even if you are turned on at the time. You'll feel terrible the next day. There are other ways to spice up your sex life without involving other people, breaking the law or risking your marriage.Brookexx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): Hi Hun,
EM! NO!
This would not rock my boat, Fantasy is fine but just kept as that, and role play is great but your man isnt a one woman man and if you can deal with this hun then fine but I wouldnt want any of this in my life, we have all got different ways of getting excitment but why get married if all you want is prostitutes and you mrs to do sexual stuff with other men... Its not my idea of love hunny. I hope you work this out and dont do anything just to keep him happy its your life to love and you have to be happy as well... TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, Sandman  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 Sex with anyone that isn't your spouse is always wrong in my book.Plus, you run the very possible risk of, like leanne.od said, finding someone who gives it to you better than your husband. Do you continue dogging to find that man who makes you scream louder than ever? Do you continue seeing those men who satisfy you better? What happens when your husband wants sex? Do you tell him he doesn't satisfy you anymore?And what about your husband? Does he continue seeing that woman who's just a bit tighter than you? Does he continue seeing those women who do that one thing that you won't do? And when you ask for sex, you don't satisfy him like the other women - then what?I'm with everyone else on this one, keep it a fantasy. Pretend like your dogging. Is your backyard secluded? Go in your backyard and pretend like you're meeting for the first time and have sex in the backyard. Or something like that. But keep sex between you and him.Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, looking 4 lov +, writes (21 September 2007):
To my own understanding, i believe that if there is a true love then trust would be there and no point of dogging for each other. and again to me only if i dont love my wife but if i love her never for me to cheated on her.and again a woman is a woman no how no how woman bahaves the way women bahaved, left to the man to give himself self-control.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (21 September 2007):
 this is a real test of your marriage. dogging is where you go out into a known area and swap partners, almost like swinging. personally, i wouldn't recommend it but if this turns you on, where's the harm?but remember, a fantasy is one thing, real life is another. what if you find someone who satisfies you more than your husband? he'll be heartbroken and vice versa.and it is illegal because you can't have sex in public places, so be careful.good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): maybe do some roleplay where you act like a prostitute. he is the person paying, do some elaborate shit where you surprise him on his way home from work or while he's walking to somewhere he always goes at the same time every day or whatever and be like "hey baby, looking for a good time?" and he has to pay you and all that stuff, make yourself look really whorish and stuff, have an accent or something, just have fun. if you've already tried this, didn't do it and you guys are both open to the other stuff, i say give it a shot. Watch some home movies together of real people doing what you want to do, not the scripted stuff, just go to a porn shop together and look for these types of videos. it might give you feelings that you might end up having. that way you will know better if you'll regret it or if you'll both be really turned on by it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): Keep it as a fantasy. The reality would be nothing like as exciting. Jealousy is bound to rear its ugly head. You could end up being arrested, and that would look good in the local newspaper wouldn't it?
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