A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible for someone to never be satisfied with you,rather not see how much you care..My boyfriend of 5 years never really sees the good in me..I'v been taking care of his autistic sister for the past 4 years not because I have to but because I want to.I spend time with her,yet he tells me I don't look after her that often..he got into an accident and I took leave from work nursed him back to health. I'm not being 'a good girlfriend',his mother was going thru a financial loss and I told my bf I would like to give some money too yet 'I'm not a nice person'..why doesn't he see how much I love him,how much I care for him.he's taking me for granted,and I hate it..what do I do to make him realize whatever I do for him or for anyone is out of love!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Yes OP it’s very possible for someone to never be satisfied no matter what you do to please them.
So you want to take care of his sister… if he was not your boyfriend would you still want to take care of her? If he was not your boyfriend would you give his mother money? Do you think that you WANT to do these things for YOU or for HIM or for THEM… because if you are doing them for YOU or THEM that’s fine… if your choice to do it (even if it’s YOUR CHOICE) for him to please him and make him appreciate you is part of the problem. And I think the fact that you are upset that he’s not satisfied means you do these things to please him and garner his favor and attention.
I can see taking time from work when someone you love in sick or injured to help care for them. In facts, folks do it so often we have laws here to cover that.
But why in the world would you be with a man who says you are not a nice person?
I think that if you stop doing these things you will quickly see his true colors.
I think that you do these things to make the relationship go more smoothly….
Personally, I think you need to stop doing things for him, stop jumping every time he says jump. Stop paying his family to make him love you….
You are a caretaker (as many women are) and as such you like to take care of folks… but you should only take care of people that appreciate it… he does not appreciate it. He expects it. He demands it.
What do you think will happen if you stop? I know. He’ll blow up at you… the name calling will be horrific… the demands to do for him will be outrageous.
I understand his sister is autistic but there has to be other options for her care. My 28 yr old son is on the autistic spectrum. He has a lovely group home and goes to a program and has a sheltered workshop job. NONE of his family cares for him… he has social workers and care givers that are paid to do so.
YOU need to take care of yourself first…. Being his emotional punching bag and doormat is not doing that.
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (28 February 2013):
 This is simple.
You can either choose to see it or not.
Your boyfriend does not love you.
Now, you can be like my mom and be unappreciated for 35 years by a shitty man and then get a divorce in your mid fifties.
or you can take your young, lovely, loving, and quite honestly, amazing personality and ass out of that relationship and be with someone who will respect you for you.
You are a good girlfriend that deserves to find a good man.
Five years is enough.
Now that you know this, I recommend you not seek further responses.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts +, writes (28 February 2013):
 With some people, there's really nothing you can do to make them see that you ARE helping them.If you continue to help them and you keep on increasing the degree by which you help them, they'll eventually think that they're only getting their due. If ever you decide that you've had enough, they'll start to harass you and complain that you're not doing what you're meant to, just because they have become so used to all this assistance you've been giving them over the years. (This sounds like what your boyfriend is doing to you now).Sometimes you help them and you want a little acknowledgement, a thanks, anything to show you that your effort is being recognised... Sometimes they never give it to you. It just depends on the kind of people they are.I have a close relative who is like you. She tries to help out wherever possible and 30 or so years later, she's so bitter about the lack of thanks but she can't do anything about it because by stopping, she cops abuse.You have to decide for yourself if that's the way your life is headed. If it is, you have to make the choice of whether or not it's worth it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Simple : you stop doing it. So he can stop taking you for granted and a) realize how important your contribution was, now that he does not get it anymore b ) get off his lazy butt and take on himself all those responibilities that he has fobbed off to you, or let you take over when deep down he knows perfectly they do not compete to you and he is taking advantage.
Also, don't get me wrong, but if you do all these things then you want the appluase and the compliment and you are disappointed when they are not forthcoming, then you are not doing it out of love, you are doing for the applause or the compliment. Not that it wrong or strange to expect a little gratitude and appreciation for your efforts, and not that your bf is not self centered and rude for denying them to you, it should be a thing that floes naturally.
But, to tell the truth, when you do things because you are attached to a certain result they shoud give you, then it's not out of sheer love, it's also for your personal gratification , the ego stroke you get.
The trick, IMO, is just doing exactly what you would be doing voluntarily also IF nobody would ever notice or thank you ; what you'd do because it comes from your heart, because you could not help doing it anyway, appreciated or unappreciated. No more and no less.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): Because you're not doing good things OP, you're being a doormat.
You're just doing what he should be doing for him. Not only has he taken for granted you're going to do these things but he feels he can actually criticize you for them because you don't stand up for yourself.
OP it's nice to be nice, but if all you do is give then all people will do is take. People don't respect givers OP, you have to have balance.
Is a child who has his ass wiped by mammy until he's 8 years old going to be a nice kid? No, he's going to be spoilt and learn to be critical of his mother's wiping technique.
You've turned your boyfriend into a spoilt child and the only way you'll be able to stop him treating you this way is by reacting and ensuring there are consequences.
You're a woman OP, do what most of my girlfriends and female friends would do. Remember every single time he said you're not being a good girlfriend, every criticism and when he asks you do something throw then right back in his face as a reason you're not going to do it.
"Honey, can you call over and spend a few hours with my sister today?" "No babe, seeing as you feel I'm not a good girlfriend who doesn't spend enough time with her, I may aswell start acting that way."
"You know the way you said you'd give my mom a bit of cash? Any chance of getting some of that now? She needs new dentures." "Nope, I'm a not nice person remember? Nice people don't do things like that."
"Why are you being like this?" "Until you learn to respect me and appreciate the things I do for you and your family then I see no point in doing them anymore, end of story."
You have a simple choice to make OP, either keep being his bitch and let him walk all over you, or stand up for yourself and ensure he respects you. People don't respect people who spoil them OP, and it's not selfish to feel entitled to some gratitude and respect for the things you do.
Until you get those things from him then he doesn't get things from you.
Seriously OP, ask some of your girlfriends about the memory thing. It's a woman's greatest tool. My fiancée has a nice little mental list of things I said that stepped over the line, times I behaved badly and she's not afraid to bring those things up to remind me that there are consequences to my actions and that she won't forget any of them so I know to respect her.
Pretty much all the women I know, know the value of using things that to earn a man's respect. If we know you'll remember things and they're going to come back to haunt us in the future, we're much less likely to cross any lines.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 You stop doing it or do it in moderation.
Your boyfriend wouldn't tell you you were a bad girlfriend because you've looked after his sister, nursed him after an injury and given his mother money. There's more to this, but the bottom line remains the same.
If you want to be appreciated for what you do then you must do it in moderation. People can't help but take you for granted if you're always there for them. And they might come to see your constant care as an intrusion.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 The reason he does not appreciate you is because you stopped being a girlfriend and started being his mum.
There is no fun in the relationship other than responsibilities. He is cricial because he thinks is okay to treat you like a dorrmat.
Let him take responsibility, I know you mean well but he just does not see it or takes it for granted. Its time to draw a line and be a girlfriend and demand his attention. You risk that some fresh face comes along and he decides that she makes him feel free and forget his responsibility.
Start looking after yourself before its too late. Have you not heard before how the nice girls end up with a broken heart and the bad girls end up married to the man.
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