A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I wont bother telling you the background of me and the girl I was dating for just about 3 months, I'm just interested by her comment and wanted to know what you guys can make of it...My best friend saw her last night and said he spoke to her and said that they were talking about me and he told her i did really like her, but i only did what i did because i've had bad experiences with relationships in the past and got hurt by them (i got scared and shut her out, then ended it terribly) and he said she said this "that didn't make it okay for him to compare me to those other girls and hurt me because of his bad experiences. I'm not them".She doesn't understand if you have bad experiences with people you've dated in the past, it can scare you off future relationships. What do you guys think, is she right? And what do you think she meant by that comment, like what was she getting at?
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female
reader, Red591  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 It sounds like you broke up with a girl out of fear she would do something someone else did in your past. Yeah...that is a problem and its all your problem. If I gave up on dating and guys because they might do what some other guy did, I would have stopped dating at 19 years old. I'd have 54 cats and watch shows about knitting
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Yep she’s 100% correct you cannot hold her responsible for the bad behavior of others.
IF you know what behaviors are not acceptable to you any more, then WHEN you see them you address them but until you have the problem why look for it… If you are gun shy about getting into a new relationship then you are not ready to be dating new folks yet.
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A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (28 February 2013):
This is something I struggle with myself.In all major relationships I've been in, the girl at some point chose to end it, and didn't choose the most amicable ways to do so. Cheating, disappearing, etc. And from my point of view, these things happened suddenly. I've spent a long time trying to figure out what I might have done wrong. But I still feel no matter what I did wrong, cheating or lying as a way out is still wrong.But I also know that when you get with a new girl you HAVE to let the past go and you CAN'T use your ex's actions as an excuse to distrust your new girl. Think of it this way - when you dated whichever ex(es) that hurt you, you didn't distrust THEM - you gave them the gift of trust. She (they) chose to shatter that gift. But why doesn't a new girl deserve that same gift?Here's an example. Suppose you were cheated on. Now, every time your new girl doesn't call you back or is at a party or is doing ANYTHING that COULD be conducive to cheating, you freak out. You could certainly explain your fears to her and she might be willing to at least listen and reassure you, but this is NO excuse to become a stalker and it is UNREASONABLE to expect her to start calling you every five minutes just because the last girl who didn't do that ended up cheating.If the fears of being hurt again get so strong that it's affecting your well-being, then 1) don't date anyone and 2) consider seeking help if it's really bad. Everyone deserves to be happy, and everyone deserves a chance to prove their trust. Let's make a virtual pact that we're going to leave past hurts in the past. Nobody says you should forget being hurt. In fact those experiences can bring wisdom and maturity (albeit in a painful way). But we also have to decide that no matter what has happened to us, if we're going to try to be with a new girl we have to give her all the same trust, security and honesty that we gave to the girl who hurt us. Love is always a risk, and there's always the chance of being hurt, but if you hold your past against your new girl, the chances of being hurt again will definitely increase significantly.Self-fulfilled prophecy anyone? ;-)Good luck!F
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): "She doesn't understand if you have bad experiences with people you've dated in the past, it can scare you off future relationships."
Then why did you get into a relationship then? If you're scared off relationships then don't fucking get into one.
She is right and she meant exactly what she said. You hurt her because of what some other bitch did. You took out what happened with another girl out on her and not only is that extremely unfair, but you've just risked that becoming a domino effect, maybe she then will go on to hurt someone else because of what you did. I doubt it though, that girl sounds intelligent and insightful.
It's you who doesn't seem to understand OP. A new relationship is a completely clean slate. If you're not ready for that then you don't date, if you still have issues pertaining to a past experience you deal with that before you enter a new relationship.
Brutal honesty? You were a fucking asshole to treat her as some kind of experiment to see whether you were ready and then turn around and expect her to understand you, to feel for you. No OP, she's the one who deserves sympathy here because you used her, you got with her when you weren't ready and you fucked her over. You then turn around and wonder why she doesn't understand why you weren't ready? What you want her to feel sorry for you? Nope, don't be a dick OP. You don't take your baggage into a new relationship, she didn't deserve to be hurt and punished by you because of what another girl did. Intentionally or not you used her, you experimented with her and then you threw her away when you got the results of your experiment.
OP my tone is harsh but I'm really not trying to imply that you intentionally went about fucking her over, but the result is the exact same. She got burned.
Imagine this for one moment if you will. You get with a girl, you start falling for her hard but no matter what you do she won't trust you because she was cheated on, you do everything you can, for all the time your heart aches because she won't let you in, eventually you break up and you're crushed. Is that situation in any way fair on you? No it's not. Why not? Because she was never truly available to you emotionally so everything you did was a waste. Imagine after having your heart ripped out, eaten, shat out then stood on this girls friend meets you some time and tells you she really liked you and why don't you understand what he's feeling?
Salt in the wound isn't it?
Learn your lesson here, never get into a relationship when you're not over your last. Never enter one where you're not ready that's wholly unfair on the other person. People who do that are assholes OP, date someone who never had a chance with them and be crushed for no good reason. Every relationship is a clean slate, if you can't see them that way then you don't enter into one until you can.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 HI
Yes she is right you shouldn't judge every other girl because the last one was not the right girl for you. Not everyone will be out to hurt you, there are plenty of girls who like yourself just want to be loved and respected. That is all she meant, that just because your ex treated you bad it didn't mean that she would have. You never gave her a chance, so while your destroying your relationships because of how your ex treated you she is STILL hurting you even though your no longer with her because you are allowing her to keep on emotionally ruining your future relationships without even being there don't you get it? she has probabally moved on and is laughing and joking about having fun and going places enjoying her life, while you still let that past relationship bug you and wont give into love again of fear of being hurt, but your hurting no matter what because your alone, not having a fun and exiting relationship!
SO put the past to rest and let that wall down to allow someone to love you and be happy ....YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE SO MAKE THE MOST OF IT ;)
Good Luck
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Well you are both right in some ways. Of course your past is going to affect you, if you have been hurt before it is human nature to be wary of the same thing hurting you again, so it means you will change your behaviour in order to avoid getting hurt.
However if you are in a relationship with someone and its going well, and they show no signs of hurting you like previous girls had - then you should NEVER treat them badly just because you are afraid. Just because someone has hurt you doesnt mean you are allowed to be a jerk and treat people like crap. Imagine if the roles were reversed, and some girl had shut you out and the relationship ended badly, just because her ex had hurt her before? You wouldnt be ok with that, it is not a good enough reason to treat people badly.
You have to live life by the rule 'treat others how you would like to be treated' otherwise you are going to go around huring people and they will hurt you too.
Being scared is fine, but as an adult you have to learn that when you are scared you have to talk about it, share your fears with the person you are with and let them be part of your life. Opening up is crucial in a relationship, otherwise you will never be happy. So what you did was very childish and immature, you thought that because someone hurt you in the past she was the exact same as these other girls from the past, so you hurt her and you still think its ok to behave like that.
When you are afraid, TALK. So if you meet a new girl, start to like her and you are dating, when those fears come up again instead of running away from your fears confront them head on, talk about them and let your girl help you and comfort you so she can show you she wont hurt you like the rest.
What did she mean by the comment? That she was never going to hurt you, that you wasted your opportunity with a nice girl through your own immaturity and fears.
Just because one man might be abusive towards women, doesnt mean that all men hit women does it? The same applies for you - just because you have been hurt by a girl before, doesnt mean that all girls are going to hurt you.
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