A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my daughter has been having trouble with her dad and his new fiance.They have been together for about 18mths and engaged for two. When they first got together my daughter happily went to their house.She has three children and things went.I was happy her dad was with someone with children as I thought it would be easier for her to accept.Then the arguements started.My daughter would come how angry and upset saying that her dads girlfriend had said "your dads with me now so any spare time he has is with me."My daughter has asked for some one on one time with her dad , a quick trip into town for a hot choc, or a walk with the dog. Maybe an hr max, not all the time.This has been arranged however at the last minute its been cancelled, or one of her children happens to come along.My daughter has become arguementative with her dads girlfriend, saying she's is ruining her relationship with her dad.Its now to the point that my daughter is now not allowed to go to their house until she apologized.Whilst I don't condone my daughter answering back or being cheeky, I feel she has a right to express how she's feeling. She refuses to apoligize, and I'm backing her on that decision. Its been 3 weeks since she has seen her dad, and although she's saying she's ok, l know she's not.She angry with her dad for not sticking up for her.l wish he would just man up. My daughter is 10, its heartbreaking to see her angry and upset about this.I really don't know what to do for the best.
View related questions:
engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I'm glad he realized WHAT he was jeopardizing by not giving his child the attention she needs/wants and deserves. Hopefully he will remember that SHE is family too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou aunts for all your advice.It seems (for now) he has seen the light.He has taken my daughter, and the dog down the beach.I spoke with him last night and said when he takes her out he should concentrate on building a better bond with her, not want apologies, or talk at her about what he wants.I hope he listens to her points of view.
Thanks again for all the great advice .
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 March 2013):
 I think Cindy, that in that case (if I'm remembering correctly) the "new family" in that case were HALF sisters/brothers to the left behind child who was OLDER as well.... to me that's a bit different in that the kids are actually blood related siblings...
in this case these are the step children of the dad not bio kids... and this poor ten year old would be called Cinderella in another story.... that's my sense....
either way I ache for this child... and just hope that Karma is kind to her later on....
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 Look, the bitter truth is that ultimately people always do what they want to do. Meaning, that we may call this ex husband a wuss or hen pecked or pussywhipped, but at the ned of the day, if spending time on on one with his daughter was important to him, if it was his priority, - he'd do it, trust me. He'd found a way around the arguments and long faces his choice would be met with at home. If he ditches his kid not to be met with long faces at home, - then his first priority is keeping the peace at home and making his new partner happy, and your daughter comes definitely second, or third , or forth.
Some men when they divorce, they divorce from their whole old life, not just from a wife, and unluckily it sounds this may be the case.
So I think you are right to do what you can to mend this father / daughter rift ( the letter etc... ) ...just so you can say yourself you have done what you could, but you are also right not putting your hopes for change too high up.
I feel for your poor kid, but I'll play devil's advocate just for the heck of it. We Aunts are a capricious bunch, I remember a similar instance ( where the daughter was a teen or young woman though ) , the one writing to Dear Cupid was the second wife complaining , why does he have to have one on one lunches or dinners with his daughter, why can't we ( second wife and stepkids ) come along too ? Why can't we ALL share this man's limited time ? Part of the Aunts told her - back off, let him have his one on one moments with his daughter, but many more were on her side. In the sense that the man has a second FAMILY now, if the daughter wants to blend and join, fine, otherwise she needs to respect that her dad has a new partner, a new home, new committments, new obligations, and he's not free to use his time just as he pleases.
So maybe your ex's partner is not really Cruella Deville ( hopefully ), she just embraces this line of thinking . Which I personally don't agree with , but, apparently, is far from uncommon.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): Sound like your poor daughter is going to get a raw deal. Maybe its time you told him that if he wants to see his daughter and spend time with her, it must not be with the baggage until such a time your child can handle teh trauma his GF has put her through.I would get authorities involved about the emmotional abuse your child is being put through. Your ex comment that he knows which side his bread is buttered, sound like the new GF has money or earns a lot and you ex is prepared to sell his soul to ensure that this new found "wealth" is not put at risk. I am afraid your daughter is not his priority and this woman and hers kids feature top on the list. Time for you to be a mum and dad and if it means cutting him out of her life to ensure she does not grow into a troubled teen so be it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 March 2013):
iamHereToHelpYou nailed it! perfect. I cannot improve on what she said.
Is your child support garnished or does he pay directly... I'm wondering if this jealous, immature, self-absorbed woman your ex is marrying will try to cut your child support or convince him not to pay it.....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis situation has been building up for months.I have repeatedly told my ex about spending quality time with her.He doesnt really give me an answer.I told him what my daughter said about what his finacee said, she denies it.All he says is' I know what side my breads buttered'.
As for speaking to my ex alone, his finacee won't allow it, I've suggested it.I ring him at work and I get a better response, if I ring when he at home, he puts his phone on speaker and hear her whispering in the background.Its ridiculous.The idea about my daughter writing a letter is a good one, however I feel I'm setti g my daughter up for disappointment. While his finacee is dominate in his life, I can't see the situation changing.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2013):
oh your poor daughter. Her dad's a wuss and thinking with his dick isn't he? (sorry I have no better word for this)
Does her dad know that his fiancée told his DAUGHTER "your dads with me now so any spare time he has is with me."
if he does and he accepted it, I can tell you that it's NOT going to get better for your little girl till her dad grows a pair.
MEN like this make me SO ANGRY!
can you talk to your ex for her and let him know what's going on... does he KNOW???
IF it was ME, I would so validate my child's anger at her father. "yes I know you are angry and I understand it, and I don't blame you, how would you like to handle it?"
I also would suggest some counseling for your daughter... a lovely safe PRIVATE place for her to vent to an adult she is not related to who can validate her feelings and help her figure out coping strategies that do not put you in the middle...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2013):
Honestly, I think I would have a chat with your ex-husband. He NEEDS to take time/make time for his daughter. And your daughter needs to accept that she will be part of a blended family so she might not be #1 priority all the time for her Dad. That is hard for ANY child, specially if they are going from being an only child to having siblings.
I would definitely look up some books about blended families and how to deal with it and then talk it over with the ex.
I would also talk to your daughter about how she really feels, she says she is OK but you know differently, so help her express how she really feels, maybe even in a letter to her dad? She doesn't have to send it right away, maybe she wants to re-read it and re-word it but I think letting HIM know how it all makes her feel without involving his "new" family might be good for your daughter.
And honestly, his new fiance sounds like a cow. What grown woman makes it into a contest as to whom gets to spend time with the man? She sounds jealous of your daughter and that is not healthy. However that might be hard to bring up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): Hi, why dont you phone your ex and ask to meet alone with him over coffee, tell him you want to discuss your daughters visitation also play on his emmotions that your daughter (which is true) has been badly affected by her relationship with the him or lack thereof.Also tell him she is close to her teens and any negative relationship will impact the type of teenager she turns out. Its time to try the softer approach and appeal to his responsibilities as a father.You should tell him that this has nothig to do with the new woman and he must understand that his daughter loves him and will always need him. He needs to listen to his heart and not his dick. Sound your this girls dad forgot that his daughter is his blood and will always remain his family where as a new girlfriend is related by marriage which can always desolve.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (28 February 2013):
 This is a really sad and difficult situation and I am sorry to hear that you are both going through this. I think it is very poor that your ex husband has not stood up for his daughter - she is only ten. I would not ask my daughter to apologize to his fiancee as I think the circumstances are totally out of order and I can imagine that your daughter is missing her Dad. Really it is up to her father to make contact and the fact that he hasn't and has effectively sided with his new partner against his child makes me think that your daughter for the moment is best kept away. I am really sorry that she is missing him but for the fiancee to in effect force your daughter to apologize before she can go to the house again - effectively keeping her from her Dad is so very wrong. I would text the father and ask him to come and see his daughter at your place or somewhere neutral so they can spend one on one time with each other. I don't think a walk in the park or time with the dog, just being the two of them is too much to ask for. You sound like an exceptionally nice really easy going lady and this is a horrible situation. If the father won't come and see his child then for the moment she is better off without them and being upset any further.
...............................
|
