A
female
age
36-40,
*utumnleaves07
writes:Any advice right now would be so greatly appreciated...My boyfriend of 4 years has just broken up with me. I am absolutely devastated, and I really didn't see it coming. We got together at the start of uni, and graduated in the summer. He is now in Japan for a year and I am in France, we both decided to take a gap year, and wanted to do our own things. We spent hours and hours before we both left deciding what to do, and we decided that after 4 years we were strong enough to make it work - he was going to come home at Christmas and I was going to go over there in April to break the time up a bit. Anyway we'd been having a few minor arguments recently, I was getting paranoid because this girl was always round at his apartment. Last week I confronted him and asked if he liked her, and he was furious with me, saying I didn't trust him and stuff. I apologised and said I was being silly. It was my birthday a few days after that and he sent me beautiful flowers and a present...last time I spoke to him everything was fine. Then on Thursday I got an email from him saying he wanted to end it - he's decided he wants to stay in Japan for another year. He also said he doesn't love me any more. I rang him immediately, obviously hysterical because it was so out of the blue. He was so, so cold to me. After 4 years together I couldn't believe he could be so nasty. We spoke again yesterday for 5 hours, and I was as dignified as I could be. He has a lot of family issues, and I said I believe he is running away from them. He said he agrees with me, but that he is not ready to come back and face his life here. I asked him if he still loved me, because I really don't believe he has stopped. He said he does, but he can't be with me right now and that he needs to be single to sort through his considerable family problems on his own.I asked him whether someone else was involved, and he gave me his word that he hadn't cheated or anything, but he did like this other girl 'a fair bit'. That was like someone stabbing a knife into my heart. She doesn't know he likes her, and I asked him to be single for a while. I asked him over and over what's wrong with me, and he gave the typical bullshit 'it's not you, it's me' answer, which broke my heart. He then said he still saw me as possibly being the one he's going to spend the rest of his life with, and said that maybe when he gets back from Japan in 2 years there'll still be something there. I don't know what to do...I want to keep calling him and emailing him to try and change his mind, yet I know that that would not be right. But I can't completely shut him out. How can I even think about moving on? It's so hard to get out of bed knowing he's not mine anymore. I also know I am clinging to his vague reference to the fact that we might get back together when he gets back...oh God I just don't know what to do...I know that I can't cut him out but at the same time I know that it would be torture to watch him get with somebody else...any advice would be so greatly appreciated, I'm in such a dark place right now and I can't see the light...
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 My dear child, I feel for you deeply. Closure is such a good thing but you should know that even when you get the opportunity things are always left unsaid because people aren't into hurting each other. Sometimes we just have to trudge on without knowing why such a good person such as yourself isn't good enough for someone who probably doesn't deserve you anyway. There really are no words to make you feel better or to make you understand.
I think it is time to redecorate your room. Maybe put all the memories in a box and store it out of sight. It will be hard. You will have good days and bad days. Leave him be. Don't contact him. Be strong. Please know you are not alone in how you feel. Take care of yourself.
Write again if you need to.
A
female
reader, autumnleaves07 +, writes (22 October 2007):
autumnleaves07 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys, lots of useful advice there...I really do appreciate it. It's good of you to give your time up like this, and I thank you. It's great to get different points of view from people who don't know him. The hardest thing is that I am surrounding myself with friends right now who keep telling me how amazing I am, and yet why can't the one person in the world more than anybody else see that? My every waking moment is dominated by him, if I sleep I dream about him...I told him I'm leaving it up to him to contact me first, if it's in my own hands I know that I would be calling him obssessively. I know that I need closure, but I really feel that I need to see him. I don't believe that if he saw me he would feel nothing. I just don't think I can cut him out - our entire uni life was together, we were in the same group of friends, went on holiday several times - everything reminds me of him. I've come back home to be around people who love me, but my room is covered in stuff that reminds me of him - a hot water bottle he gave me, a book we both read, photos etc. How can I start cutting everything out? I don't know where to start...I so wish that I could wake up and not care, or feel that I have something to look forward to. But there's nothing. I just see black. I don't know if I have it in me to be just his friend. But equally the thought of him not being in my life reduces me to tears... I don't know how I'm ever going to laugh or smile again, I really don't...
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Hi,
sorry to hear about what has happened. You have been dealt a crap hand here mate.
Your boyfriend's friendship with this other girl was the first sign of concern. Having said that though if she isnt in Japan with him I cant see how she would be much of a threat, from her point of view the guy has a girlfriend and is living overseas - what would interest her in that?
Regretably I think at the end of the day he simply wants to end the relationship. I hate to say it but guys use the "we'll meet up later in life" line as an excuse not to deal with the real issues. The tragedy is it offers a beacon of hope for the jilted partner, yet it may have been said with the intentions of making you feel better.
All I can say is dont hold out for this man, you are better than that, surely you dont want to find out in 2 years that he has come back and has moved on with his life whereas you are still holding a torch.
Be strong , and time will heal . Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (21 October 2007):
Dear autumnleaves07,
Poor you, poor you, you have my absolute sympathy! I hope you are making friends there in France. It was pitiless that he broke up with you by e-mail, I knew a woman whose husband broke up a 30 year marriage by e-mail. How cold can you get! At least you talked for five hours by telephone. Long distance realtionships are difficult, and it sounds like his emotions were already straying with this other woman. Perhaps he's just not ready to commit to marriage and wants to be on his own a little bit more and really does love you, but this thing about staying another year in Japan sounds bad. There's no way you should sit around for two years while he has fun!! You sound like a wonderful, articulate person, who could find a more worthy guy. There are two things you could do. Think things over very carefully, while eating some chocolate and not being alone. One is, maybe if you really think he's making the wrong decision, you could think about making a trip to Japan???? But this may not be the right thing to do. Use your gut reaction.
Number 2 is to pull yourself together, then look at the other fish in the sea.
I wish you much, much happiness!!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 October 2007):
autumnleaves07-If your bf had only said he wanted a break because of the two years of being apart that would be one thing. When he added his feelings for another woman, though it hurts, it seems as if he is questioning your relationship. In my opinion, the 2 year stint in Japan is his excuse for breaking up. I believe he is unsure of the relationship at this time. When people go through family issues, sometimes they question everything in their lives. Only he can tell you the truth but I don't think he is going to do this. I think it was really mean for him to string you along with "you're the one I'm going to spend my life with." This puts you in the waiting seat and him off to live his life. Don't wait for him. I know you miss him and I know life will be sad, hard and that you will hurt for awhile. But if you put closure on this relationship, you will heal. If you continue to believe he will be yours, you put life in limbo and you will continue to open this wound and the healing process will be much harder and longer. Take some time to deal with the hurt. Lean on friends. Then move on. If he comes back later and wants to get back together, be cautious with him.
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A
female
reader, Helpmeplease123 +, writes (21 October 2007):
The fact that he sent you flowers on your bday after you had argued about him as this 'other woman' makes me think that he has a lot of guilt inside of him. It seems like he has become overwhelmed by his feelings for this new girl ontop of his family problems and
He has cut you out of his life to make his life a little less complicated. Breaking up with you after 4 years by email was incredibly insensitive and i think that you should let him know that youre not going to hang around waiting for him. Cheer up
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A
female
reader, superdopah +, writes (21 October 2007):
i found myself in a similar situatuion recently, and he is completley out of order to give you hope like that, if he doesn't want to be with you he cant expect you to hang around waiting for him to decide what he wants that is not fair on you. the best thing to do which is extremely hard to do, is to cut him off, and i know the thought of that is heartbreaking in its self, but he will never want you back if you are always there, because he wont get a chance to miss you. and this "other" girl is proberly a contributing factor of the grass is greener scenario.
eventually it will get better, you will begin to feel better surround yourself with your friends and although you think you wanna be alone that is the worst thing to be.
and remember, if it is meant to be it will be, good luck i hope you feel better soon.
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