| A
age
,
anonymous
writes: I have been married 18 years and have 2 kids 13 and 11. the past 3 years my wife has become more distant, like when i arrive home after work, i would have given her a kiss and cuddle,she would shrug me off with an excuse.we have not had a sex life now for 18 months, and before that, for a couple of years it was only every 4to6 months, but before that, we had a really adventerous sex life.the thing is she says she loves me and dosn't want sex, but i know for a fact that when she is alone at home she uses her toys all the time. and any mention of sex and all i get is "its all you bloody well think of is sex" well i do still find her attractive but its killing me not having some kind of intimacy. i really dont't know where to go.
View related questions:
sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Speaking as a wife who's in a marriage I don't want to be in, but pressured by my husband to stay in, the signs are not good. Your wife sounds like me. She turns away from any affection, won't discuss any sexual issues with you and if you bring it up, she blames you for being "sex mad" because it's uncomfortable for her to talk about it with you. She would then have to admit she no longer fancies you and sex with you turns her off. I don't know her reason. Maybe she loves another man even though she may not be in an affair, or maybe she is seeing someone? Maybe she's harbouring resentment towards you as passive aggression kills any sexual feeling in a relationship. She clearly hasn't lost her sex drive as she's using sex toys to get release. Maybe she's involved with someone on the internet? All I know is if she really loved you, she would be concerned about your needs and try and meet you half way. Sex isn't the be all and end all, but without that intimacy, you lose that bond that glues you together and makes you a couple.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (21 October 2007):
 First of all, women need to know they have the sexual power on this planet. Usually, in a relationship, they carry the torch and decide the frequency of sex.(Like it or not. Be thankful too, could you imagine the opposite !!) This can be frustrating for a man because males usually require more sex. When faced with a wife who is not interested in sex, the man becomes powerless and stuck. Since the female is burdened with the power of sexual choice, she also carries the responsibility of administering the sex. To be specific, women should really try to be as generous as possible with their power and try to at least make the man feel wanted. I'm not saying a woman should be subservient to a man but aware that she is responsible for giving out the sex. Most men are ready at any time to perform. Women are not quite the same. Most women could go for a longer period of time without sex and suffer no sense of urgency. Men are not that way. When a female, who has the power, chooses not to have sex, she's choosing for two people.
Here's another example. A person works hard all day in the hot sun. He's really thirsty. The boss sits in an air conditioned office and gives out drinks of water whenever "HE" is thirsty. After a while the workers would resent that boss. Whenever someone has absolute power, resentment grows. In the above situation, it would be in the bosses best interest to least provide water whenever the workers were thirsty and, appear to be genuinely concerned about the workers thirst while giving it out. People like to be acknowledged without feeling like they're being patronized. So, men like to have sex with their partners but they also don't want to feel like a rapist while doing it.
I really don't buy into the too tired excuse, although it is possible. I think it comes down to being too comfortable with a spouse and not fearing any reprisals for the lack of sexual activity. The fact she uses her toys all the time is a sign she still enjoys a good orgasm. This makes me wonder where the problem is. Sometimes it comes down to attitude. A person often has to take a look in the mirror and try to understand what the issue is. For example, if a friend stopped by for a visit, you wouldn't keep looking at your watch while they were talking or start your housework. You'd pretend you were happy to see them. The problem is it's easy to ignore a spouse. We're too comfortable with them and we feel confident they're not going anywhere. THAT is the BIG mistake. As time passes, the spouse becomes more resentful and does stray. It happens all the time.
If she's willing to spend time and money on toys, what's the problem with spending time with you? I'd start like this.
Remain calm and polite. Be loving, understanding and most importantly FIRM. Sit down with her and ask her what the issue is. Ask if there is any way you can help her with it. If she is unwilling to work on this with you, suggest counseling. If that is not understood by her, this is where you're firm, set a date and give her an ultimatum. At this point you can tell her what her options are and how you're going to respond to her lack of interest. Tell her you're leaving if she doesn't make an effort to wards ending this problem. You have to be prepared to leave though.
You also have to be prepared to hear things that might upset you. I don't know you or her so I don't really know if there are any glaring issues like hygiene, attitude etc. The advice I've given you is based on a normal, reasonable couple. There could be a million reasons concerning you that make her turned off. Hopefully she'll be honest with you.
There is another angle to this too. It is REALLY important to figure out what the issue is. You really want her to solve this as opposed to backing her into a corner and have her perform sex just to please you. Eventually she'll resent this and you'll feel really hurt or rejected when you feel she's only doing it for your benefit. Sometimes I don't think women understand that. A man wants to believe his partner is doing the act because they're horny and desire him, not out of obligation.
To end, we all have our responsibilities in a marriage. It IS our responsibility to fulfill our roles in the relationship. Sex is one of them. It's not a degradation or a curse that women have this responsibility, just a reality. AS much as times change, some things remain the same. We try to alter them and make them fit our needs. We have some success too but there are things that are constant.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): You're not going to solve this problem unless you can talk it out with your wife. You need to make it quite clear to her that sex is an important part of your married life, and without it everything else will eventually fall apart, and that when the kids have grown up and fled the nest you'll have little reason for staying with her.
I'm not surprised that you're thinking about sex a lot, not having had any for 18 months. I imagine that when she's using her toys she's fantasising about some celebrity or other, but to my mind the use of toys should involve both of you, as an enhancement to your sex life and not a substitute for it.
It could be that she's tired herself out looking after the house and the kids. I don't know what help you give her in that respect, but if it's not much, she might see you as being idle about the house and resent you for that, which is not a good precursor for having a loving sexual relationship.
The bottom line is that you've got to have a serious talk about the problem, and if you don't seem to be getting anywhere a spot of help from Relate might be useful.
Phil
...............................
|
