A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so I am an almost-sixteen-year-old girl and I have known for some months now that I like girls. I have never had an issue with gay people or anything like that and I am comfortable with the realization that I myself am gay but at the same time am having a hard time coming to terms with it. There are sort of two main questions I am asking in this single question which will become clear as you read. Sorry in advance for this being so long, I just feel like to understand it you really do need all this background and stuff. :)I've always loved imagining my future - specifically, as far as a family goes. I've always fantasized about having that fairy-tale story of meeting my prince charming and having a beautiful wedding and a happily-ever-after life, and especially of having kids; the idea of being a mother has always held so much romance for me because I love working with young people and just really want children of my own. I realize when you read that you'll probably freak but don't worry, I'm a 4.0 student, very conservative as far as most things are concerned, minus the whole homosexuality thing obviously, etc.--so I'm definitely not even thinking about sex until after college and marriage. :)Anyhow, around the middle of last year I suddenly started having very strong feelings for my best friend. At first I pushed them away because of what I was just talking about: accepting that I was a lesbian would really change all of those images I had in my mind of what my marriage and family life would be like. After having those fantasies swimming in my head for so long, the thought of letting go of them was terrifying. But over the past few months I've realized that I am truly, hopelessly in love with my friend, and that she is my "prince charming" so to speak. She is everything I want and I can never stop thinking about her, and I think the best part of it is, we were friends first and the relationship has developed very gradually over time so it's definitely deep, trusting, and emotional--not hasty at all, most certainly more than a "crush". Now, here's the problem: About a year ago, I barely knew her. Yes, I know that contradicts everything I've just said, but here's what happened. She's been one of my best friends for awhile, but about a year ago we randomly got into this really deep conversation and suddenly I realized I didn't know her at all; since then, we have gotten to know and understand each other inside and out, on a level comparable to the wordless communication and understanding of twins. But part of that conversation wound up being about sexuality--this was at a time when I still believed I was straight and just hadn't found the right guy yet--and she said she had no idea where she stood and that the idea of being attracted to anyone in that way seemed impossible and incomprehensible to her. As we've grown closer, there have definitely been a LOT of very intimate moments, just little things like we'll hug or something and then we both hold on just a bit too tight and a bit too long, and every nerve in my body goes haywire and it drives me crazy because I just don't know if she feels it too, or not! And I'm afraid to talk to her about my being gay and about our relationship for two reasons. The first is that, what if after all this, she still considers herself asexual, and I'm only seeing what I want to see in our relationship? And secondly, what if (in the more likely scenario I think) I tell her that I am gay and that I'm in love with her and she says she's in love with me too? Because then that goes back to the whole issue of letting go of my fairy tale dream. If we talk about it and then it becomes sort of official that we're in a relationship, then it will sort of affirm for me that there really is no going back to that fantasy, and while I don't really want it anymore because I'm so in love with my friend I'm still kind of scared to let go of it.So, basically, my issues are:1. What do I do about my inability to let go of my fairy-tale fantasy, now that I know my sexuality is going to stand in the way of its coming true?and2. How am I to figure out what's going on in my friend's head, and talk to her about where we stand?Any help is SO greatly appreciated; thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I know it's long. :)3 3 SHALOM!! 3 3
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best friend, lesbian, too tight, want children, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, vamp-gal  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 Knowing what to do depends on what happens at the end. Whether she has the same feelings for you etc. If it does come to the point that you may have to give up your fairy-tale fantasy then that may be what you have to do, but you don't have to give it up altogether. You still seem a little unsure about what your sexuality may be. If you are I'd wait until your absoloutly sure before brining anything up with your friend.If you do feel you are indeed gay then that's great, obviously there's nothing wrong with it. Like I said, you don't have to give up the fantasy altogether, just create a new one which fits more with who you're becoming. There are plenty of other routes to having children, which you can explore when you're ready.You can still have the big wedding you've dreamed about.And you can still have the happily ever after. The only thing that changes in this fantasy is that it will be a girl by your side throughout all of it instead of a guy.Whatever happens, you should be happy and confident in yourself - and don't think if you have one you can't have the other :)Hope this helps x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): The easiest thing for you to do is the same thing that many heterosexual couples do when they're first "talking" to eachtoher before dating. When you're having the "intimate" moments you're talking about try to notice her eyes, lips and body movements. You're both girls so it should be dead obvious and not as obscured as men. If shes staring compassionately at you then that is a good sign for your case. If she gets flirty or fidgety with her body or turns redfaced at the things you do together then thats an obvious sign. Also, many younger girls tend to bite or suck at their lips when they're feeling aroused (whether it be just by normal conversation or by the intimate moments you described) take to notice these.As for your fairytale--thats exactly what it is--A fairytale. I once thought that I would graduate, go through college flawlessly, start a small business chain with locations all over the city and have a nice, lower-upper class lifestyle with the girl I met at age 16 and planned on marrying.Now I'm with a totally different girl and WAY happier, I'm still in college but have gone through some rough patches, and I'm certain that the military and law enforcement is the right path for me.See? Much farther from my original fairytale, but still a happy ending nonetheless.Keep at it, and remember that life is blank instruction manual. You cant really know exactly what you're doing until you write the instructions yourself.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I really don't think you have to let go of your fairy-tale. So gay marriage isn't legal all over the states yet- you can still have a BEAUTIFUL wedding ceremony. You can have your children either through adoption or artificial insemination :) There's no reason why you can't have your own family. Keep up the good work! You don't have to tell your friend just yet. In fact, I think it'd be easier to let go of the things in your heart little by little. Tell her first that you're not so attracted to boys anymore, note her reaction. Your instincts can take you from there-tell you how much further you can/should go. Just little by little hon-Like dipping your toes slowly in the water before jumping in. Still, take it easy for now, hon. Love is a complicated, difficult thing though very beautiful. Have a little patience with it... I wish you the best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Alyla +, writes (13 October 2010):
Heya well although this may or may not be all that much help I understand exactly where your coming from with these fantasies I also love day dreaming what life could be like in the future even to the detail of imagine little problems we may face as a family ect and I see how your sexuality can effect your family deams but if you think of her as your prince well then surely that's part of your fantasy done there. And you can still do all of your dreams just q case of finding other ways of making then come true. Think of it as a road you have come to a diversion you just have to find another way to get there.
However I'm not to sure on how to find out if your friendfeels the same way I suppose you could just generally talk to her about your sexuality firstly see how she reacts cause at the end if the day if she really is a good friend she would suport you and it may give you an idea of her sexuality but no matter what a true friend will never turn their back on you so is always keep that in your head no matter what you decide
I hope that was some help and goodluck with everything
Alyla x
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A
female
reader, confusoholic  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 There's no harm in having a fantasy...heck! Even i had one- and none of my dreams came true...they just took different directions.
Like when i was 16 (as old as u r), i fell in love for the 1st time...it did not work out- but look at me now! I fell in love again. :)
Things always work out.
If you are scared of your sexuality...try talking to a counselor/ someone's who's not hiding their orientation...maybe they can help you. don't be scared. You can still have kids...ever heard of adopting/artificial insemination etc etc? Science will help you out if nothing else will.
As for your friend...well i'll ask you to think carefully before you confess anything to her.You don't want her to stop talking to you completely, do you?
Though its immature not to talk to someone just coz they like you...but it may damage ur friendship.
If she's asexual...and there's no scope...try moving on...meeting more people...
Try observing her...what does your instinct tell you? Don't see what you 'want' to see...try viewing it objectively. ( I know its tough).
All the best. :)
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A
female
reader, silentrose333 +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Okay, so first: if you are truly homosexual and if it's not just an extensive phase, then you will have to let the fantasy go. over time you may find yourself straight again, but it's 50/50. Also, you may not know if your friend is lesbian or not. my friends and i are not lesbian, but we hug, say i love you to each other, and all the things besties do. I have a boyfriend though so i know where i stand. Like a guy, she will come to you if she feels the same. Dont come straight out and tell her, the odds may not always favor you, and you could lose her as a friend. time just has to work itself out on this one!
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A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Just because your gay doesnt mean you can't live in a fairytale. It just mean's there will be two princess's :)if your really in love with her then the other things wont matter! As for children, you can always adopt or use a sperm doner. But I wouldn't worry about that now, your only young. You might not even be gay, its hard to know untill your past the teenage bit when all the hormones are everywhere.
As for your friend, i'd just have another deep chat with her, as see if you can get her to open up. Its always hard when your not sure if she's gay, be careful though, don't be too forward because you wouldnt want to damage your friendship. Chances are she's just as confused as you!
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, shna +, writes (13 October 2010):
 hey i thought your question was quite interesting so thought i would give it a shot ? basically you being gay doesnt have to STOP your fairy-tale from happening just becuase your sexuality does.same sex partners are now able to adopt grow a family and in most places even marry or have blessings confirming their love for one another.i think you need to tell your friend about your feelings for her !i know there is a slight chance that things could ruin your relationship but being best friends means being honest with one another or in any relationship for that matter. mabye of you tell her that your sexual desires have changed and that you are now more attacted to women . . i think if you approach this way your not going to overwell your friend with all this emoition from no where. see how she takes it and move on from there slowly.if you keep things to yourself they will eventually build up on you and thats when things become messy.Best of luck let me know how you get on safe x
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