A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel afraid to have sex with my boyfriend. We were so close, but he began neglecting me emotionally, affectionatly, and sexually. It got to the point where we would have sex once or twice a month and it often fekt strained, as though he were doing it to get it over and done with. Before then he rejected my advances frequently, as I had a high sex drive and sometimes would yell and lecture me. So I backed off, but then things just became more strained and I held in all of this resentment.I started to feel very low self esteem and that I am unworthy of love and unattractive. I still feel that, even though I believe it is not true, everyone is worthy of love in my opinion. But last time I initiated sex it felt weird so I tried to explain how I felt weird about sex and that I was unworthy etc and felt like I was pushing myself onto him, when I only want to make love and be connected to him. This caused a major argument and he shouted at me for always making an issue out of sex. I was really hurt and cried and vowed to myself I would never have sex again to protect myself from this hurt and feeling like I'm worthless. Now I accept that I am uber sensitive and make things worse than they perhaps need to be in my head, but I just hate that he gets so angry, because I was just trying to express myself so he understands how I feel, but it always comes out wrong and we argue and it becomes a big deal. And I know I'm being pathetic...But since then, the last couple of times he's tried to initiate sex, I just tense up and feel scared. I'm afraid that I won't be in it, I'll just be lying there and he will be able to tell how I feel. I guess I don't feel turned on by him now. I used to be turned on, ready for sex whenever I was around him. I've never felt like this before. In a way I'm happy because I feel strong and safe, like I cannot be hurt by sex anymore. If I don't want it and it's no longer important to me, I cannot be rejected and disappointed and hurt. But at the end of the day i know this is not healthy, as I have always believed sex is very healthy and essential in relationships, to keep connected to your partner and for the health of an individual also as sex is so good for you biologically. I know why I have retreated into myself, but I don't know how to tackle this with my boyfriend. If I turn him down tonight and tomorrow, he's going to know somethings really wrong, as I never turn him down, its always the other way around. Perhaps it would be good if this carries on, perhaps it will force us to deal with some issues, if he sees what has happened to me. I just feel so awkward when he tries to touch me up, I just recoil. I just think, no, you've hurt me so much, and now I am strong within myself, you have to earn back my trust by treating me better. But its not fully conscious, as I'm not doing it to prove something, its more like self protection. Like I just want to keep my distance, not to hurt him or prove a point, just because the hurt and resentment has been building up, unresolved. Our last argument left me feeling so ashamed of being sexually open with him. I felt embarrased for wanting him to fulfil my needs, I felt filthy and disgusting and ashamed, like a whore and I never want to feel like that again. I just want someone to love me, and make love to me, for me.
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male
reader, thomas1214  +, writes (15 April 2011):
soo your bf acts like a jerk and you still don't seem to realize is that you can find something better out there. and now you learned your lesson. when you get into a new relationship if something doesnt feel like its right and its degrading you get out.
A
male
reader, macdubh712  +, writes (15 April 2011):
"If I turn him down tonight and tomorrow, he's going to know somethings really wrong, as I never turn him down, its always the other way around. Perhaps it would be good if this carries on, perhaps it will force us to deal with some issues, if he sees what has happened to me."
This is an excerpt from your posting. It should not have to come to this to resolve this issue. You need to sit him down and talk to him. Advise him beforehand that you are going to keep any and all emotions in check and you demand the same thing of him. He needs to get a can of man and give you the same promise in return. Then you need to tell him the following (another excerpt):
"I just feel so awkward when he tries to touch me up, I just recoil. I just think, no, you've hurt me so much, and now I am strong within myself, you have to earn back my trust by treating me better." That last sentence is strong; tell him just that!
Also tell him this (another excerpt): "I felt embarrased for wanting him to fulfil my needs, I felt filthy and disgusting and ashamed, like a whore and I never want to feel like that again. I just want someone to love me, and make love to me, for me."
You, as the initiator, should be the first to speak unless he has something to tell you so relevant to this situation that it might be a divine moment. After you say to him what you have to say, you need to give him the courtesy to say any and all things he may need to get off his chest. MAINTAIN control of your emotions and if he loses control of his, terminate the conversation.
You might feel the need to write all this down, if you're one who expresses themselves better through writing.
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