A
female
age
41-50,
*rs.Darcy
writes:I'm 25 and I've been married for 5yrs. My husband and I have had many issues over my feelings and his about masturbation. I'm understanding to a point and I would really like to not be a bitch about this but I'm having a hard time coping with some of the issues we have. What I really need help with is "Guys, especially those in relationships, what exactly is masturbation to you?" What and whom do you think about when you do it and if you have a woman ready to go in a moments noice why do you need to maturbate at all? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): I know this is an old post but I completely identify with this. Btw, what has happened since you posted this? My bf often calls me a paranoid bitch, ignoring the fact that I am only paranoid as a result of the accumulation of things he has said and things I have become privy to that yes, I should never have known about. saltwater, you're really helpful, I almost want to date you! Except for the girl in college comment, as I am extremely paranoid about 2 girls my bf used to know, and I'm not particularly paranoid about exes or most other girls he has said are attractive.
I understand occasionally wanting to masturbate instead of having sex, but I in no way understand or condone my bf who claims to love me and tells me he never thought he would be with a girl as attractive as me, fantasizing about other women to orgasm. That is a betrayal. I feel like I've had to deal with enough with the porn (and I've come to understand and see a lot of what you say as truth, saltwater), for him to take it to another level again and use other women instead of me. Especially when I am ALWAYS willing to have sex. Am I too available?? I feel f ing LUCKY when he decides to have sex with me. I've told him to think about me and another girl, us with another couple... to film us or me, use naked pictures of me, try thinking about nothing and focus on the hand action instead of the action in his head! There's plenty more options than OTHER WOMEN. I do take it as mental cheating (like you would be if you had cybersex with anonymous girl online), I never thought it was cheating in any way before but now I realize I'm having similar feelings to being cheated on so what is the difference? The places my mind and body has been to over this :(
A
male
reader, saltwater  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Well, I can only tell you what I said before, that when men masturbate they don't really think of anything; and I think it's the same for all men.
Some men will of course think of someone or something sometimes. I used to frequently (and still do if truth be told) masturbate while thinking of a girl I knew years ago in college....but it doesn't really mean anything.
Your husband said he thinks of other girls (which he is pretty brave to tell you btw) well, it's natural, don't worry....if he was thinking about other girls during sex though it would be different because he should be thinking of you!
The key is that a man masturbating and watching porn never usually dampens the need for real sex, or make him think any less of his wife/girlfriend....and why should it? However, you said he used to turn you down for sex because he was taken care of...I would have a problem with that. What man would turn down engaging in actual physical sex with his beautiful WIFE?
You need to ask him.
The anon reader who said he is thinking about his "private fantasies" when masturbating may be true on the odd occasion, but I would doubt that was the case all of the time.
So does he say anything about thinking about fantasies when masturbating? Because if he does, this is where you can change things. But even if he doesn't, how about talking to him about his fantasies (and yours) and then maybe you two can act them out.
Then rather than "thinking" about his "private fantasies" and of "other girls" he can act his (and your) fantasies out with you...something which should definitely turn him on and get him thinking of *you*
Good luck :-)
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 It's very normal for people to fantasize about others when they masturbate (men & women, it's not just a guy thing).
But not all guys do it (I don't).
Not all men are alike so there is no one, universal answer to your questions. Some watch porn, some don't, some think of other people, some think of their partners. I have a hunch that most men don't think of anything at all, but I could be wrong.
Either way that is the space between his ears, and neither you nor he have much control over the thoughts that bounce around in there. So to spend time worrying about it is sort of futile.
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A
female
reader, Mrs.Darcy +, writes (25 July 2008):
Mrs.Darcy is verified as being by the original poster of the question -to elaborate on the the first question- Okay I think I may not have worded my question right when I first posted it. I have no problem with masturbating, I do it myself, I do however have a problem with porn. I also have a problem when he actiually tells me he imagines other girls. No one we know IRL but still... We went through a period a few years ago where I was lucky to get any once a month (he would turn me down)because he was taken care of already. I understand the need and the tension release but I wanted to know how normal it is to need to think about other people when you do it. Because I don't, but then again I'm not a guy. So I need some male prospective. Thanks for all of your help by the way, please be honest, don't tell me what I want to hear. If it's normal then I suppose I'll have to swallow my pride and deal.
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A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (24 July 2008):
Men will always masturbate. Whether they're single, in a relationship, married or pending divorce; men will ALWAYS masturbate.
Men just naturally have a high masturabtion rate. It's the way we are. You hear things about how a man is masturbating because "he no longer fancies you" or "he doesn't get excited about the thought of sex with you"...it's all, in most cases, nonsense.
What do men think of when masturbating? Well, nothing really. It's just the action that counts.
Masturbation with men is a impulsive thing; they can be listening to music, get an urge to masturbate, put on some porn, then 5 minutes later put the music back on as if nothing has happened.
Long story short; don't worry about it. No, he probably isn't thinking about you when masturbating, but neither is he thinking about anything else.
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A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (24 July 2008):
I'm pretty sure that everyone masturbates, single or not. Don't take it personally, asking someone to stop masturbating altogether is like asking someone to stop eating, or bathing, or sleeping... it's kind of a silly, impossible request. It's not because you don't satisfy him. It's just something that everyone (especially men, I know some women don't do it as often, but then again I know some women who do it more than I do). It's a way to release sexual tension, or to pass the time, even out of boredom. It's fun, pleasurable, easy to do... why wouldn't we do it?
As far as what guys think about... I imagine that for every man it is different. I suppose most guys think of things that arouse or excite them, such as sexual fantasies, or specific people, maybe memories of past sexual experiences. Usually I don't think of much at all, I focus on the physical feelings.
Don't worry about it, you'll never find a man who doesn't masturbate and you won't find a guy who is willing to give it up for anyone so honestly you'll have to get over it.
Maybe you should take it up yourself- get thee to a sex shop and purchase a vibrator and find out what the fuss is about. It'll be a lot less threatening if you're doing it yourself.
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