A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have been having an affair with a separated man. He has been separated for 5 years but remains in close contact with his wife who lives close by. She has never found anybody else and always hopes they will get back together. He has been gone for 5 years and has no intention of going back but they do remain very close and have family outings and they do a lot together. He has 2 girls aged 18 and 20.I worked all over the Xmas and New year as I work in Health Care so never got to see him at all. But I know he spent Xmas with her, ok I fully understand him wanting to be with his girls but cannot understand why he had to go to parties with her, they went to 5 parties together in the 2 weeks, had Xmas eve and day together and saw the new year in at midnight.I felt so mad and angry, we found some time together on Jan 1st as we work in the same health care facility but work normally separately on different days and times, and I exploded, I admit I became very nasty, said terrible things, he asked for a new years hug, I said no. I ended the 15 minute meeting by telling him that he was just somebody that I used to know.I told him its over, he sent a mail saying nobody in his entire life had treated him in such a nasty way, he also made some reference that " you don't have to sell your soul to the devil"This really upset me big time but it is true I was extremely nasty verbally. all my frustration and anger came out because I know he had spent long hours with her at this special time and he has told me for so long they are not a couple even though they do sleep together occasionally.On her facebook she admits they are separated but there is a public picture of them together with her arm linked in his.Anyway I then sent an e-mail back which was even more nastier, I don't know what came over me but I was really really upset and mad, told him I feel he used me like a toy for entertainment purposes. told him how nasty and cold and detached he was amongst other things.I told him how upset I was for him to write something relating to the devil. maybe I over reacted there.Can you tell me ladies if your lover had made a reference saying you don't have to sell your soul to the devil would you be offended and upset ??Is it something terrible to say that, in my opinion yes.We have been close for 3 plus years sharing our problems, we are compatible in many ways.We love being together even if it is just twice a week for a few hours because of our limitations and schedules.And now this has happened right on 1st day of the year.He got the e-mail last night which was full of critism and abuse again. Also told him he was ignorant, cold detached, clinical, immature and a load of other negativities.I told him how upset I was about the devils remark, how evil it was of him to say such a thing.I don't know how to turn this thing around now and feel too much irreparable damage has been done especially as I went into a lot of detail about him using me.Please again if you can tell me what you think about he devils remark.Thanks in advance.
View related questions:
affair, facebook, get back together, immature Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers, they all made sense.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 Look at all the time (and parties no less) he spent with her over the holidays...sure doesn't seem all that "separated" to me. What it does sound like is that he has the perfect set up: a wife when he wants one and a mistress on the side when he wants one, other than that he's footloose and fancy free. Perfect for him...not so perfect for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 OP, you're making excuses for him and for you. He might be legally separated but he's also legally still married. He has a wife who he still sleeps with, who he's in no hurry to divorce. How do you know whether or not he spends the night, and why is that even relevant? He's bad news. Sorry, but I'm not going to sugarcoat it while you defend a situation & relationship that is wrong for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (6 January 2014):
 I`m going to take a different tack here.
Your lover is not a young man eager to settle down and start a family. He`s a seasoned man on the verge of retirement who has spent most of his adult life in various commitments (wife, children, job, car payments, mortgage). With his marriage over and his children grown he finally has some of the freedom he`s wanted. And apparently this arrangement works for his ex wife and his kids as well. This is as settled down and committed as he wants to be.
He has been honest with you about his life circumstances and where you fit in. Given that you`re an educated woman with decades of life experience of your own, he assumed you were intelligent and mature enough to understand that and perhaps want something similar. Instead it seems you created lofty expectations and behaved with all the piss and vinegar of a hormonal teenager.
You, yourself refer to the man as your lover. A lover is very different from a serious life partner.
His comment about selling your soul to the devil is understandable given your outlandish and abusive behaviour. Simply expressing dissatisfaction is healthy and appropriate, but to express it by sending vicious, insulting, accusing emails is not.
OP, I suspect the damage here is irreparable. However imperfect the man may be he is entitled to not want a screaming, nagging wife for a lover.
I think this would be a good opportunity for you to step back, take stock and be honest with yourself about what you really want in life. That way you won`t wind up expecting more from someone than they are willing or able to give.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey are legally separated. He lives solely alone and they NEVER share a night together.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (6 January 2014):
 You did "sell your soul to the devil". And he provoked you! So you yelled at him!
The "devil" is the man you were seeing and "selling your soul to him" was letting your heart get involved with a separated man who is still involved with his wife.
So, he was actually right, in a sense.
You allowed yourself to become involved as the third party, you let yourself down and demeaned yourself for his pleasure without a true commitment from him, as you described it yourself - merely as an affair - knowing he still is with his wife as often as possible instead of you??? Actions speak louder than words, and the fact that he can find more time for his ex than for you is SCREAMING louder than you did at him - did you notice?
Now exercise your common sense and cut him out of your life without regrets, and don't look back.
Choose someone unencumbered to give you heart and soul to next time.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 January 2014):
He WAS using you but you allowed it. I totally agree with Oldbag, New Year New start.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 January 2014):
 He meant that you unleashed an evil that resides within you. We are created to experience love, joy, acceptance, togetherness, and gratitude, etc, but having free will also have the capabilities to experience the opposite as well. Some religious teachers claim that when we become angry, and lash out at others, in the way you did to him, we are (in that moment) demonically controlled. I believe this to be true after studying quantum mechanics, and beginning to understand how different light and dark energies battle to control our ego. The devil only has the ability to influence the mind, not the spirit.
First, what is anger, but the attempt to make someone else fell guilty? In scripture Jesus says to be careful in choosing your words as your words define your own state of being. This is true. Your anger directly had nothing to do with him, but is rather your reaction to how you would have liked him to have acted. Instead of just expressing anger, you worked on tearing him apart, limb to limb, didn't you? You're right about the irreparable harm, as words have profound meaning. With words you can take someone's self esteem and completely destroy their sense of self. You can take someone who feels love for themselves, and cause them to despise their existence (this is the exact reason why they are called curse words, because to cause damage to someone's sense of self by using words, is to put a curse upon them) So ask yourself if your behavior toward him is of God, or is was maybe a sinister egotistical act?
I don't know if he's a religious man, but even so I can see where this relation to the devil stems from. You said you felt used. Let's look at how scripture tells us to act."Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." Matthew 5:43–45 (KJV).
In this life it's difficult because we're expected to love with all our mind, body, and spirit, in a world that is egotistical, and oppressive, which doesn't support love and unity. There is an adversary who hates love, and hates the human ability to love, and will do everything in his/her power to destroy it. Although he used this reference toward you, we all have "a devil" who attempts to control our actions toward others, and ourselves. However, once we truly recognize the damage it can do, believe it or not, that part of ourselves begins to disappear. We then recognize that we need to pray for those who harm us, instead of attacking them, because their ability to harm us is the same ability we have in harming others, because imperfection is human nature. Your yelling at him is saying, "I'm not perfect, but I expect you to be."
In your situation I would have told him that I can see he's still "with" his ex wife, I don't want to be the third party, so I choose to walk away. I would wish him the best and that he finds happiness in his choice, as I would be seeking happiness in my direction, which would apparently not be with him. How you handle these situations can make all the difference.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (6 January 2014):
He's a fine one to talk about selling his soul to the devil, being a married man with a mistress.
The things you said in email about him using you were correct. You were right to tell him it's over.
I wouldn't try to turn things around. You've seen that his wife is his priority, and you must have some idea that he doesn't have much desire to divorce his wife after 5 years separation.
Good luck in moving on.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 January 2014):
 The devil remark is the least of your worries here. His actions are worse. After 3yrs you spend very little time together in general, he is closely involved with his Ex wife's life and they still have sex!
I work a lot of hours and worked during the holidays but still make time to see the people I care about. Nobody works 24/7.
You probably did go over the top but were clearly hurting and it has all been bubbling under the surface for a long while is my guess.
Just leave it now, no more contact. He really is not worth your time. New Year, fresh start
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 January 2014):
Sorry, but I stopped reading after the first sentence.
If he is separated, that is "still married," so you are right that it is an affair.
Once you are in a relationship with someone who is not married, you can then ask questions about the relationship. Your only order of business now is to stop dating a married man.
...............................
|
