A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have been with my partner for 2 years. We live together and have a 3 month old baby. We are both 25 years old and we plan to get married in the near future. He is a good partner and father but I have a problem.When I had known him for only 2 weeks, I found evidence on his phone that he was still in a relationship. He convinced me she was an ex that was still in love with him and that all contact with her would be ended. He was very apologetic and I chose to give him one more chance as everyone makes mistakes. But I made up my mind that if anything else came up, I would end our relationship. Nothing did come up, until recently.He left his facebook logged in and i went through his messages. I know it was wrong to do. I admit that.But i found evidence of him flirting with other girls a good 7 months into our relationship!Also, I found a message to this ex in question saying that he still loved her 3 months after he promised me he would never talk to her again! I strongly believe he would never physically cheat on me. Because we live together I know all his movements and there is nothing to be suspicious of! and this particular ex lives abroad anyway, but thats not the point! The point is, he lied to me! He said he wouldn't talk to her again, and he did.I confessed to him that I read his facebook messages and he apologised for the messages and said it was nothing serious and just a bit of fun. But im now left feeling like I cant trust his words anymore!What should I do to move on? Leaving him is not an option because we have a baby together and apart from this, he is a good man. I just dont know how to get past this issue. Please help!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): Anon aunty here sorry took so long hope you read this:If this happened away in the beginning, it could be that he hadn't let go of his ex etc he maybe was unsure if how you two were going to work out. It doesn't make it right or anything but it could be a reason ' why'Now if he hasn't been chatting up or messaging any other females since that period I think firstly, you need to sit him down and tell him that what he did was wrong .. No matter what it has hurt you.. And he needs to accept that and apologize . That granted you haven't seen any other chats since then so that is good and be honest tell him you won't permit that .. Tell him, he has a living family two gorgeous kids and another in the way .. This is his unit .. There are people out there dying to have what he has .. Then move on .. I think it was foolish things at the beginning .. I think when it got more serious he made a commitment .. People aren't bags or material possessions we don't own them, we can only go by their behaviour and modify ours .. If he treating you good, working hard spending time together then forget this .. If his behaviour changes then you decide what you can live with .. I'm sorry that he hurt you, but as long as he hasn't been chatting like that since . Let it go .. I took over a year to get over my ex longtime ago and I was real young my husband stuck with me and we been together 24 years .. And still strong ..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): no. I jut found out a few day ago when i read hi facebook message.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): Hi. I am the original poster. To answer the anon aunty... It was 3 months and 7 months in. and after that, there hasn't been any other contact with any other girls. So it's like he stopped when our relationship got more serious.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014):
Here a a few q's . Was this chatting principle at the beginning of the relationship 3 months and 7 months in ? Am I right in thinking that..
Has he been flirting with these girls or any females after this time frame ??
I think your answer will help formulate my advise ..
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 Apart from being a lying cheater, he's a good man?
I Know you have a young baby and you say leaving him is out of the question. However, that leaves really nothing else to say, as leaving him clearly seems like your best answer.
He's a liar. Messaging your ex and telling them you're still in love with them is a deal-breaker. Would be for me, at least. Once the trust is broken, to me, it's over. There is no relationship anymore.
So my suggestion is to leave. Get family and friends to help you with your baby. Move on to someone who values you enough to tell you the truth.
If you do stay with him, be prepared for a long, hard road of forgiveness. It will take a long time to rebuild that shattered trust.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 January 2014):
 I agree that you two need couples counseling. Trust is foundation to ALL healthy relationships. Without trust your relationship with be one filled with chaos. Unfortunately if you two don't resolve these issues, you will be bringing an innocent child into your chaotic relationship, which they do not deserve.
Why does he feel he needs to seek affection by other females outside your relationship? What is missing within your relationship that has prompted him to take that direction, which is destructive to the relationship he has? What sort of partner and father does he want to be? And does this behavior fit within that answer? There are questions that need to be asked not only to figure things out in your relationship, but because now their is another person who will be affected by the decisions you two make.
If the relationship is unhealthy, it is unhealthy, and neglectful to raise a baby in that situation. I've heard hundreds of times in unhealthy relationships where one party says, "I deserve to be happy." (which I still don't understand how some abuses to equate to happiness). My believe is this, "It's okay to seek happiness, but it's not okay to do so at the expense of your children." Your taking leaving out of the equation as an option says you'd be willing to drop or move your boundaries to cater to him, taking away from your sense of self and what you deserve to keep this relationship for the benefit of your child. However, I guarantee you that if you're in a situation that is not good for you, it certainly is not good for your child.
If you two can't re-establish trust, this environment will not be a healthy place for your child to be raised in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): Do you see yourself trusting him after this?
He's approaching other women not out of love but for fun. He is not doing it out of a desperate yearning. He is choosing to betray your relationship ffor what?
From his actions, I don't know how you can learn to trust him again.
So far he has not had the opportunity to pursue it with these women bit how can you trust that when the opportunity presents itself he won't pursue it for a bit of fun.
Yes, you have a child and it would be best to try to work this out. But don't be dogmatic about pursuing the traditional nuclear family if your relationship is going to be based on lies. He has to see what's wrong with what he's done and the severity of it before you can move on.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 January 2014):
 Leaving is always an option, you should never feel trapped. I don't really see how to get past it when he was so dismissive of it and trivialized your feelings on it. It was a pretty big betrayal of trust to be telling an ex he loves her! I think the only way to move forward is to try counseling together to address the trust issues here.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 January 2014):
So, you found he was cheater from jump, then decided to have a child with him, now you don't know what do?
Just wondering if I have the details right before thinking about a "solution."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): well i know a thing or two about lying i did it before and so has my boyfriend.but thats besides the point.take a break from him don't break up though go to a friends house and think i hope this helps
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